Gentle parenting is an evidence-based peaceful, soft style of parenting that focuses on establishing a collaborative parent-child relationship. Parents practice empathy, respect, understanding, and healthy boundary-setting with their children. Through consistency and compassion, parents work to encourage their children to become self-aware and express themselves in socially appropriate ways.
What Is Gentle Parenting?
Gentle parenting encourages parents to raise their children without shame, blame, and punishment. This evidence-based parenting style, founded by Sarah Ockwell-Smith, centers around cooperation between parents and children. The main principles and techniques include empathy, respect, understanding, and boundaries. When gentle parenting, parents are compassionate as they help their children navigate the world.1
The four elements of gentle parenting include:
Empathy
Empathy is crucial to the development of children as it supports their autonomy and emotional, cognitive, and physical growth.2 Gentle parents provide a critical example by modeling compassion in everyday interactions. Children learn empathy by watching and copying their parents’ behavior toward them and others. Additionally, continuously offering kindness builds a child’s self-esteem because it respects and validates their feelings and experiences.
Understanding
When gentle parenting remains open and understanding, it allows the space for children to become aware of and comprehend their behaviors. For example, if a child throws things when upset, parents create a safe place for them to explore these actions. Understanding parents show they acknowledge their child’s learning process and age-appropriate limitations.
Healthy Boundaries
Gentle parenting stresses the importance of setting healthy boundaries as these create expectations for children. Establishing limitations creates parameters that support consistency. For example, if a rule set by a parent is “no throwing things at others,” both parents and children are on the same page regarding expectations and consequences.
Respect
Respect is necessary for any parent-child relationship and plays a part in building a safe connection between parent and child. Gentle parenting focuses on respecting a child’s feelings to teach empathy and reciprocation. Because children learn from their surroundings, modeling respectful behaviors, such as speaking kindly and politely, creates the expectation that respect is a priority. As children mature, they can engage in respectful relationships with others.3
Gentle Parenting Vs. Other Parenting Styles
There are numerous parenting styles, but experts have identified four primary methods–authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, and uninvolved. These approaches vary in demandingness and responsiveness, and techniques from each have branched to form additional parenting philosophies. Gentle parenting most resembles an authoritative style with slight variations.
Differences between gentle parenting and other parenting styles include:
- Authoritative: Authoritative parents set clear rules and expectations, provide discipline when necessary, and remain highly responsive to their children’s needs and emotions. While gentle parenting emphasizes empathy and understanding, it does not encourage punishment or discipline.
- Authoritarian: This parenting style is strict and focuses on obedience without question. Gentle parents are the exact opposite of authoritarian parents as they encourage child autonomy, independence, and self-expression.
- Permissive: Permissive parents are very lenient with rules and boundaries, often allowing a child to do whatever they please. Gentle parents encourage children to explore and develop individuality but prioritize safety by setting clear boundaries and expectations.
- Uninvolved: Unlike gentle parents, neglectful or uninvolved parents want little to do with their children. These parents may even ignore children by failing to meet their emotional needs, getting involved in academics, or teaching them crucial life skills.
Benefits of Gentle Parenting
Gentle parenting provides the space for children to see how their behaviors impact others, how others react, and how they can react. This approach benefits parents and children as it supports working and growing together. As children grow, they learn to consider how their behaviors might affect others and what outcomes can come from the situations.
Possible benefits of gentle parenting include:
Reduced Childhood Anxiety
Gentle parenting can reduce the likelihood of a child experiencing childhood anxiety and social anxiety.4 Parents who provide a supportive and encouraging home environment allow their children to know what to expect from their parenting.
Improved Parent-Child Bond
Gentle parents build a strong bond with children and are attuned to what is happening to them. Creating this positive relationship can further help children develop healthy relationships with others. Knowing what a healthy relationship looks like can also show them when to walk away from a negative one.
Reduced Childhood Anger
Gentle parenting creates a family environment free of blame and punishment. Anger often covers up more vulnerable emotions such as shame, fear, and low self-worth. A gentle parenting style honors these emotions, which can help reduce anger issues in children. For instance, if a child were to get angry, parents would try to understand what caused the emotion and support their child.
Positive Social Skills
Learning empathy, respect for others, boundaries, and understanding from parents is essential. Young children can develop these skills and learn how to interact with others when supported. A gentle parenting style can help children learn to share and regulate themselves in socially challenging situations.
Can Be Used As a Motivational Tool
Parents can utilize gentle parenting techniques to motivate their children to approach situations differently. If a child is having trouble with anger, a gentle parent focuses on understanding why their child is struggling. Doing so allows them to teach their child how to handle negative feelings positively.
Increased Emotional Vocabulary
Parental awareness is essential for positive development as children expand their emotional vocabulary. Children learn basic emotions, such as happiness, sadness, and anger, at a young age. Gentle parenting provides the space to explore other feelings and how these interact. As children experience new emotions, they will already know how to handle these feelings.
Possible Cons of Gentle Parenting
Like any parenting technique, there may be potential drawbacks to a gentle parenting style. Parents should consider the patience, persistence, and time needed to practice this approach before adopting it. They should also identify constricting factors such as parental separation and other familial challenges.
Possible drawbacks of gentle parenting include:
- It can be time-consuming: Gentle parenting requires parents to be active and present to support their children. Parents may have responsibilities that decrease the amount of time they have to focus on parenting consistently.
- Setting boundaries can be challenging: Some parents may have difficulty setting boundaries with children and others. Establishing rules and consequences takes practice and constant evaluation.
- Breaking parental patterns can be hard: Many parents learn parenting styles from their upbringing, and breaking these patterns can be challenging. Parents must evaluate and process their childhood experience before becoming an effective gentle parent.
- This style can seem too unstructured: Collaborating with children can change the family dynamic because kids and parents become partners. Some individuals may assume that a mutual parent-child relationship can make them appear more like “friends” rather than parents.
- Parents need patience to make it work: A gentle parenting style asks parents to have patience. Practicing patience can be challenging with children and contribute to frustration and a lack of motivation.
Is Gentle Parenting Effective?
Research on gentle parenting suggests that this philosophy can effectively promote positive child development. One study found that children of gentle parents experienced better mental health and fewer behavioral problems than children of authoritarian or permissive parents.5 Further research indicates that gentle parenting correlates with improved child social and emotional development.6
While additional research is necessary to understand possible benefits, current findings suggest that gentle parenting does work to some capacity. By prioritizing empathy, respect, and positive communication, gentle parenting may help children develop meaningful life skills and build strong, loving relationships with their parents.
How to Gentle Parent: 9 Tips for Success
When adopting gentle parenting techniques, consistency and patience are essential. Parents should focus on remaining calm when frustrations occur. There may be situations where safety becomes an issue–child safety or the safety of others should be the top priority. Families should also be mindful of how their culture and daily dynamics may affect their gentle parenting practice.
Below are nine tips for practicing gentle parenting:
1. Stay Calm
Staying calm, especially in times of high stress, is essential when gentle parenting. By remaining composed, a parent can think about how to react appropriately and recommit to being a supportive caregiver. They can listen attentively and better understand their children’s behaviors.
2. Be Consistent
In gentle parenting, consistency in showing respect, understanding, and empathy can help the collaborative process feel more manageable. After setting boundaries, parents should ensure they are followed and acknowledged by the entire family. Doing so is crucial to the success of gentle parenting techniques. Consistency also entails partners confirming they are on the same page regarding expectations and perimeters.
3. Plan for Negative Situations
Preparing for potential negative situations can help you avoid both predictable and unexpected problems. Parents can remain calm when stressful events occur if they have already identified possible solutions.
4. Set Expectations With Others
Being transparent with family, friends, and others can help you confidently practice a gentle parenting style. Explaining your parenting techniques may encourage loved ones to use these skills with your children, too. Informing others about what to expect from you as a parent can reduce stressful situations.
5. Remain Positive
Remaining positive can help you stay motivated when practicing gentle parenting techniques. It also allows you to reflect on where there is room for improvement. Parental positivity offers a healthy model for children to adopt. They learn they can try again if things do not work out as expected.
6. Work Together
With any parenting style, working as a team creates a sense of support in the home. Gentle parenting stresses the importance of remaining a collective family unit, so creating a team dynamic embodies this in everyday practice. Together, parents and children can brainstorm to develop possible solutions to problems.
7. Be a Positive Model for Kindness
Modeling kindness is an important aspect of gentle parenting. Parents who demonstrate empathy and compassion show children how to approach their own relationships. Start by being patient, understanding, and supportive of your child. Your child is more likely to adopt these behaviors if you utilize them yourself.
8. Encourage Any Positive Behaviors
Focus on what your child does well rather than always pointing out their mistakes or shortcomings. A gentle parenting example would be if your child shares a toy with a friend or helps a sibling with a task, praise them for their kindness and generosity. This positive reinforcement can help your child feel good about themselves and their actions.
9. Comment on Their Actions, Not Your Child
Address the behavior or action that is unhealthy instead of criticizing your child as a person. For example, avoid saying, “You’re so lazy,” when your child doesn’t want to clean their room. Focus on offering healthy suggestions such as, “Let’s work together to clean up your room.” Speaking this way demonstrates to your child that their actions do not define them. It also helps them feel heard and encourages them to work with you to find a solution.
Is Gentle Parenting Right for My Family?
Gentle parenting may not be a good fit for everyone, but parents can incorporate its techniques into their approach. Exploring parenting options can be stressful, but doing so can help you determine what works and doesn’t.
Therapy can be beneficial when determining a good parenting style that adheres to your values and beliefs. Many parents find online therapy options are a good choice if they have busy schedules. Being a parent can make individuals feel on edge about their parenting techniques, so finding the right therapist to help them through their challenges can be a positive step.
Final Thoughts
Developing parenting techniques that work well for your unique family takes time. While gentle parenting is a peaceful and positive way to raise children, families should find suitable tactics for their personal needs.
Gentle Parenting Infographics
