Understanding the Highly Sensitive Child

What Is a Highly Sensitive Child?

Highly sensitive people (HSPs) (including children) are more reactive or responsive to their environments.¹ They may be more significantly impacted by their surroundings than others. High sensitivity is not technically a clinical diagnosis, but some highly sensitive people have other conditions like autism or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), that heighten their sensitivity to environments.²

“A highly sensitive child is one that is strongly attuned to the emotions of themselves and those around them,” says Dr. Laura Mraz OTD, OTR/L founder of Eyas Landing therapeutic clinic and Blue Bird Day. “They tend to notice even the most subtle changes in other people and their environment, such as when lighting changes or toys are rearranged. They express strong emotions at times, with what appear to be overreactions to minor environmental sensations. A highly sensitive child may also be sensitive to clothing textures, sudden noises or when anticipating a new event. Caregivers may find that standard behavior strategies, such as time out, do not work as effectively with their highly sensitive child.”

How Common Are Highly Sensitive Children?

Almost one-third of children are believed to fall into the “high sensitivity” category.¹ While they may face some challenges, there are also advantages. Rather than trying to change your child, approach high sensitivity like you would any personality trait. Focus on their strengths and help them learn ways to cope with overstimulation, negative emotions, and changes in their environment. With support and encouragement, your highly sensitive child can thrive.

Highly Sensitive Child Traits

Highly sensitive children are especially tuned into their environments, emotions, and the emotions of others. This can cause them to become easily overwhelmed or startled. To avoid overstimulation, highly sensitive children often prefer to be alone, in small groups, or in settings with minimal noise and stimulation.

Many children show some signs of high sensitivity, especially when they’re hungry, tired, or emotional. However, highly sensitive children show a significant number of these signs. If you suspect that your child may be highly sensitive, consider speaking with your pediatrician or a therapist for more information.

Signs that your child may be highly sensitive might include:³

• Depth of processing: Highly sensitive children tend to be deep thinkers and may be especially curious. Parents and teachers may be surprised by questions they ask.
• Being easily overstimulated: Highly sensitive children are more aware of what is going on in their internal and external environments, which can cause them to experience overstimulation. Signs that a child may be overstimulated include displaying tantrums, irritability, and fatigue.
• Emotionally reactive and high levels of empathy: These children tend to feel their own emotions and those of others deeply. They tend to be closely tuned in to how others are feeling and can often pick up on a parent’s mood.
• Awareness of subtle stimuli: Children may notice smells, sounds, and other changes in their environment before others do.
• Finding clothing itchy or uncomfortable: A sensitive child is more likely to be bothered by fabrics that are scratchy or too tight, and may find uncomfortable clothing to be distracting.
• Wanting to change their clothes right away if they get wet or sandy: Because of heightened sensitivity to sensory input, if a highly sensitive child becomes wet or sandy, changing into clean, dry clothing right away is often preferred in order to remain calm and focused.
• Being easily startled by noise: Loud, unexpected noises can easily startle a sensitive child. You might notice a highly sensitive child placing their hands over their ears or reacting fearfully to sudden noises.
• Noticing slight changes in their environment, such as odors or objects that are moved: Highly sensitive children often have a detailed attunement to order and routine, and may notice the slightest changes in their environment, sometimes even becoming distressed in response to a particular change.
• Feeling overwhelmed by surprises: Where many children meet surprises with excitement, highly sensitive children might feel anxious and overwhelmed in response to surprises, often preferring to be a part of the planning process.
• Responding better to gentle rather than critical feedback: Sensitive children are more deeply impacted by criticism. To avoid negatively impacting a sensitive child’s self-esteem, deliver feedback gently and collaboratively.
• Having an advanced vocabulary for their age: Many highly sensitive children are deep thinkers, and exhibit an advanced vocabulary for their age.
• Having a hard time falling asleep after a lot of stimulation: Because sensitive children are more significantly impacted by sensory input in the environment around them, they may have a harder time winding down and falling asleep after a stimulating day.
• Picking up on others’ emotions: Highly sensitive children are known for being empathetic, often being deeply attuned to other people’s emotions, embodying them as if they were their own.
• Asking a lot of questions: Their heightened awareness of the world around them often leads sensitive children to ask many questions in order to gain a deeper understanding of the way things work, and what to expect from a person or situation.
• Sensitivity to pain or discomfort: Because a highly sensitive child is wired to experience their feelings more deeply, they will often have a lower pain and distress tolerance.
• Feeling anxious or uncomfortable performing in groups: Group work can be stressful for a highly sensitive child, who is uniquely attuned to each person’s emotions and personality. The unpredictability of working in a group setting may also pose a challenge for the sensitive child, who often prefers to work alone.
• Questioning the safety of something before taking action: A sensitive child is cautious, and is likely to evaluate the safety of something before taking action. Because of their mature cognitive skills, they naturally want to mitigate risk after considering all possible outcomes.
• Trying to do things perfectly: A highly sensitive child is more likely to be a perfectionist, resisting the out-of-control feeling that comes with making a mistake. Shame also comes easily to sensitive children. These effects can be mitigated by withholding criticism and promoting a growth mindset.
• Preferring to play quietly alone than in groups: Sensitive children often prefer to play alone, rather than in groups, often to avoid overstimulation.
• They may be uncannily self-aware: These children are often very insightful and self-aware for their age, as they experience deep thoughts and emotions beyond their years.
• They can be more rigid and inflexible: Highly sensitive children can be rigid and inflexible, perhaps in an attempt to control their environment and limit sensory overload. Their rigid rules help them to organize the overwhelming world around them.

What Your Highly Sensitive Child Needs to Hear From You

While you will not always find the right words when speaking with your child, do your best to communicate warmth, support, and understanding. Note that highly sensitive children may interpret what you say differently than other children. They may be more sensitive to feedback and take constructive criticism negatively.

Here are four things your highly sensitive child needs to hear from you:

1. “It Is OK to Feel (Name Any Emotion).”

Highly sensitive children may be more sensitive to their feelings than other children. When your child is experiencing an emotion, they need to be told that their feelings are OK. Phrases like “Don’t cry” or, “Calm down” may be well-meaning, but they can leave highly sensitive kids feeling misunderstood. Instead, a statement that reflects what they’re feeling, like “You seem angry right now,” can help your child become more aware of their own feelings, which is necessary for learning how to cope with their emotions.

2. “Take Your Time.”

Highly sensitive kids may take longer to prepare for things, process information, and make decisions. While this can be frustrating for parents, putting pressure on children to do things faster will only increase their anxiety. Instead, plan ahead when you know your child needs extra time and remind them to go at their own pace.

3. “Let’s Make a Plan.”

If your child is highly sensitive, social events like parties, playdates, or outings can be stressful. Your child may be highly anxious before and during these events. If that is the case, it can help to talk to your child in advance about what to expect. You can also empower them by brainstorming together what they can do to cope if they feel overwhelmed.

For example, they might want to bring a book or noise-canceling headphones, or agree to step outside and get fresh air. You may even come up with a code word that your child can say to you if they need a break. Having a plan can help you both feel prepared and increase the chances of having a positive experience.

4. “You Are Not Alone. I Am Here For You.”

Being a highly sensitive child can feel lonely at times. These children may be aware that they are different from their siblings or peers and feel embarrassed, ashamed, or judged. Reminding your child that they’re not alone and you are in their corner can help them learn to accept themselves.

How to Parent a Highly Sensitive Child

Highly sensitive children often require special attention in certain areas, which means that parenting or caregiving comes with its fair share of challenges. However, as a parent or caregiver, you also need to care for yourself to prevent parental burnout.

Here are 15 tips for parenting a highly sensitive child:

1. Accept & Believe Them

Accepting your highly sensitive child for who they are is the first step to healing. Once they feel safe in your acceptance, they’ll lean on you as an ally in their struggles. Part of becoming a safe, supportive presence for your highly sensitive child is believing them when they express their needs, like needing the tag cut out of their shirt in order to wear it to school, or needing to be a part of making their birthday plans rather than having a surprise party. Things that might not seem like a big deal to others are truly impactful to your sensitive child, and the more you believe them about their level of distress and discomfort, the more you’ll be able to offer the support they need.

2. Manage Your Own Expectations of What They Can Handle

Your highly sensitive child is wired to experience emotions and sensory experiences differently than other people. They are not overreacting, but are often rigid in response to a world that overwhelms them. Do your best to withhold criticism, and adjust your expectations based on their unique needs. Offering a peaceful, predictable home environment, along with plenty of downtime, is important for your highly sensitive child.

3. Help Them Name Their Emotions

All children can benefit from learning how to talk about their emotions. This is a core component of emotion regulation, which is the ability to cope with one’s feelings. Teaching your child about emotions can start in infancy by naming feelings (e.g., saying, “You are so happy” when your baby smiles).

As your child gets older, continue to help name their emotions, but don’t assume that you’re always correct. With an older child, it may be helpful to say, “You seem upset today, am I getting that right?” You can also incorporate education on emotions by selecting books and games that help teach children this important skill.

“The key to parenting a highly sensitive child is to build empathy for your child by accepting that their reactions are often neurologically-based, rather than behavioral or ‘by choice,'” says Dr. Laura Mraz. “Empower your child to communicate their feelings openly so that you can help them navigate strong emotions without telling them their feelings are wrong or not true. Refrain from shaming your child’s response and instead provide structured choices to navigate power struggles. Do not minimize or tell your child that their feelings are not true.”

4. Give Your Child Time to Unwind

Highly sensitive children may become overwhelmed more easily than other children, especially when it comes to social situations. It’s important to give your highly sensitive child time to unwind. For example, you might schedule quiet time for an hour a day where your child can do a relaxing activity like reading or artwork. If they have a hectic day planned, consider scheduling extra unwinding time to help make up for it. Remember that, for many highly sensitive children, quiet time is a way to decompress and recharge their batteries.

5. Set Expectations Ahead of Time & Preview Activities When You Can

The highly sensitive child thrives in an environment that is predictable. By setting expectations ahead of time, your deeply-thinking child has space to think things through and reflect on what you’ve shared. Whether you are discussing expectations for behavior in a certain context, or what to expect on the first day of school, knowing what’s ahead will help to mitigate any anxiety that is coming up in your sensitive child. Especially for new experiences, previewing activities can also help to reduce worries and allow your child time to ask questions and feel more prepared for the transition.

6. Maintain Consistency

All children benefit from consistent and appropriate limits. Children need to know what is expected of them and what the consequences will be for not complying. Setting limits while being responsive to your child’s emotions, like authoritative parents do, is optimal for their emotional well-being.⁴

Highly sensitive children especially benefit from clear and direct communication about limits and consistency. You can achieve this by posting a list of house rules, discussing expectations and consequences, and always reminding your child that rules are intended to help rather than hurt.

7. Avoid Harsh Discipline

Harsh discipline involves physical punishment, like hitting or spanking, as well as emotional tactics like guilt tripping or shaming. All of these forms of discipline can have negative effects on children and should be avoided.⁵ If your child misbehaves, you can respond by providing a consequence that is appropriate for their age and their misbehavior.

For example, if your toddler throws a toy, you can remove the child from the situation, place them in a safe area, and say, “We do not throw toys. The toy is going in time out until after dinner.” This sends the message that your child’s behavior is unacceptable and provides an appropriate consequence.

8. Resist the Urge to Label Your Child As Difficult

Raising a highly sensitive child can be challenging. You may find yourself frustrated or angry with their reactions or behavior at times. You may think that your child is difficult, annoying, or rebellious. While it is normal to have these thoughts and feelings, it’s important to avoid labeling your child based on their behavior.

When your child hears a label placed on them, they may internalize this and experience negative feelings like guilt and shame. Instead, give yourself time to manage your own frustrations and focus on describing behavior instead of labeling their personality. For example, you can say, “That hurt my feelings when you said that,” rather than, “You are so mean.”

9. Create a Safe Space For Your Child

Highly sensitive children often benefit from having a safe space they can retreat to when feeling overwhelmed. This can be an area of your home that is quiet, has gentle lighting, and offers a few relaxing activities. Encourage your child to decorate this space so it feels special and inviting.

10. Educate & Collaborate With Their Teachers, Babysitters, Coaches, Etc.

It is important to partner with the other significant adults in your child’s life in supporting your highly sensitive child, whether they are at school, sports practice, or grandma’s house. Providing education on your child’s unique way of experiencing the world can help to build empathy and understanding for your child. Emphasizing collaboration, offering your child choices when possible, and accommodating any known anxiety triggers, like loud noises or sudden changes in routine, can equip adults to respond to your highly sensitive child with acceptance and confidence.

11. Highlight Your Child’s Strengths

All children can benefit from being reminded of their strengths from time to time. Think about what areas your child thrives in. Does your child excel in a certain sport, art, or school subject? Is your child especially kind, caring, or funny? Reminding your child of their strengths can help enhance their confidence and self-esteem.

12. Help Them Learn to Accept Their Temperament

When a child behaves in a way that is different from the norm, there may be pressure to change what is believed to be “wrong” with them. Unfortunately, this approach can backfire and cause children to feel like they’re not good enough. It is more helpful to work with them to accept themselves and find ways to highlight the advantages of high sensitivity. You could also help them figure out how to cope in stressful environments.

13. Help Them Create a Supportive Friend Network

While many highly sensitive children prefer time alone, cultivating a tight-knit, supportive friend network can be incredibly valuable for your child. Seek friendships for your child with peers who are kind and accepting. Finding other children with similar temperaments can also be helpful, particularly if your child often experiences sensory overwhelm. You can also encourage them to be a good friend themselves, learning to look out for others’ needs and be kind. Know that, though some highly sensitive children might struggle to make friends, slowly building a supportive network of friends over time will help your child gain confidence and find support through life’s challenges.

14. During Meltdowns, Stay Present While Also Giving Space

When your child is in full meltdown mode, they won’t be able to process information as well as they would when they are calm. Rather than discipline or problem-solving, your child needs your supportive, calming presence. Stay nearby while also giving space, particularly for kids who move their bodies a lot when they’re angry. You can say a calm, empathic statement like, “You’re feeling really angry right now. I’m right here, you’re safe.” Your silent confidence and watchful eyes help your child to feel secure in the midst of their emotional storm.

15. Keep Yourself Calm

Parenting a highly sensitive child can be difficult, and it may test your patience. These feelings are normal and signal the importance of caring not only for your child, but also for yourself. Finding time for self-care can help balance the stress of parenting. Whether it is taking a bath, exercising, or spending time with friends, taking a break for yourself is just as important as other parenting strategies.

How to Get Support for a Highly Sensitive Child

It is important to get help for your highly sensitive child if their ability to function in daily life is being thwarted in any way. If their relationships are suffering, or they are struggling to function at home or at school, it may be time to explore supportive therapy options. Talk with your child’s pediatrician about your concerns. They will often provide a referral for occupational therapy, which can be helpful for many highly sensitive children who struggle with sensory overwhelm and big emotions. Play therapy is another option that might help your deeply-feeling child express themselves, and learn coping strategies to help them better understand and calm their emotions.

Final Thoughts on Highly Sensitive Children

Raising a highly sensitive child can be both rewarding and challenging. These children may benefit from more support in certain areas, and as a parent, you may benefit from extra self-care. Most importantly, arm yourself with knowledge on how to raise a highly sensitive child. Awareness and understanding will equip you to better understand your child and help them thrive.