Parental Burnout: Causes, Signs, & How to Cope

What Is Parental Burnout?

Parental burnout involves becoming completely zoned out, providing little support and showing minimal emotional expression. It can cause feelings of shame, guilt, and resentment, and be triggered by things like last-minute after-school activities that make you feel like a taxi service, or the “emergency” gathering of supplies for a school project assigned over two weeks ago.

If you’re dealing with parental burnout, your metaphorical gas tank is empty, and there’s no gas station for miles. There’s a sense of mental and physical absence similar to what mom guilt, mom burnout and stay-at-home mom depression can feel like. You may have been pushed toward burnout for a number of reasons, such as society’s expectations of parenting, your own perception of what being a parent looks like, or a perceived lack of options for support.

Signs & Symptoms of Parenting Burnout

Sometimes, parents and caregivers experience and exhibit feelings of frustration and disappointment, which can be linked to parental burnout. Being able to recognize these common signs and symptoms allows you to take positive action sooner and prevent burnout in the future.

Common signs and symptoms of parental burnout include:^3,4,5,6

• Overwhelming physical and mental exhaustion
• Changes in behaviors or interest in doing things
• Revenge bedtime procrastination
• Irritability
• Difficulty remembering things
• Feeling frustrated
• Chronic mental fatigue or physical exhaustion
• Sleep issues
• Isolation or avoidance of others
• Feelings of resentment
• Feeling shame and guilt
• Loss of productivity
• Emotional detachment or disconnect from your child
• Urges of self-harm or harm to others

Parenting Burnout Stages

Parental burnout may progress in severity if symptoms are left unaddressed. Recognizing beginning symptoms of mild burnout may help you avoid progressing to more severe symptoms.

The stages of parental burnout are:

• Mild burnout: Mild burnout may occur due to short-term stressors like caring for a sick child, where you might feel irritable or experience disruptions in sleep. During this stage, you might feel more sensitive to small changes outside the norm.
• Moderate burnout: During the stage of moderate burnout, other stressors can build up, such as financial issues, an inability to secure childcare, or extra occupational responsibilities. As the burnout progresses in the moderate stage, other symptoms such as forgetfulness, fatigue, headaches, nausea, stomachaches, and feelings of emotional overwhelm may set in.
• Severe burnout: During the severe stage of burnout, physical and emotional symptoms are intensified. You may not be able to complete daily tasks and require the help of a professional or support system to return back to your personal baseline.

The Underlying Causes of Parental Burnout

Causes of parental burnout can include poor boundaries, lack of communication, and general people-pleasing behavior or tendencies. Overall, when you spread yourself too thin or take on more than you can handle, leaving little room for error, you create the perfect storm of potential for parental burnout.

Causes of parental burnout include:

• Employment: A high-stress job can contribute to parental burnout by taking up cognitive and emotional space. If your job also has physical requirements, this can add another level of exhaustion.
• The number of children you have: More children generally equates to more responsibilities. Having more than one child may stretch your mental and physical resources.
• Your child’s development stage: Depending on your child’s development stage, they may need different levels of involvement from you. For example, a newborn experiencing trouble sleeping through the night may contribute to your parental burnout.
• Your access to support: Social support can offer a buffer against symptoms of parental burnout. Lower levels of social support may mean you lack emotional support in times of need.
• Your child’s needs: Different children may experience different daily needs based on genetics, development, or cultural expectations. For example, if one of your children has a learning disability or diagnosed mental health condition, they may require more of your attention and resources than your other children.
• Your level of perfectionism and expectations: Perfectionism may cause you to question how much is enough for your children. These ruminations can contribute to exacerbated symptoms of parental burnout.
• Poor boundaries: Setting healthy boundaries with your children helps them learn appropriate levels of self-reliance and self-confidence. If you’re constantly doing tasks for your children that they could be ready to do for themselves, that could be contributing to burnout.

Who Is at a Higher Risk of Experiencing Parental Burnout?

Parental burnout doesn’t target one specific type of parent or caregiver, but it generally occurs when parents and caregivers lack the necessary resources to take care of their children or handle child-related stress. Some specific risk factors include employment status, age of children, age of parents, and number of children. Even cultural background can be a factor to consider because in some cultures, family support is much more normalized.

Risk factors associated of parental burnout include:

• Employment status
• Financial status
• Cultural background
• Age of parents
• Age of children
• Number of children

How Parental Burnout Impacts Kids

Burned out parents impact not just their own mental and physical well-being, but the overall well-being of their family system. Parental burnout increases risk of child maltreatment, such as neglect, verbal, or physical abuse.⁷ Once burnout reaches this severity, it may require professional intervention for improvements to occur.

Other research supports that parents may emotionally distance themselves from children during experiences of parental burnout.⁸ Parents may become less responsive to the emotional needs of children, while allocating what little energy they have toward basic needs, like feeding.⁸ Parents may feel the need to escape their situation, but the connection with their children can keep them from neglecting their basic needs.⁸

How to Recover From Parental Burnout

Parental burnout can bring on intense feelings of guilt and shame, but there are many ways to support yourself and reduce these negative feelings, including seeking professional help from a counselor or therapist. Remember, recovery from burnout is possible, and you’re not alone.

Here are 10 ways to cope with parent burnout:

1. Consult a Therapist

Consulting with a licensed mental health professional will help you understand what type of support would serve you best. There are many options available like individual therapy, couples therapy, and group therapy programs. Because every therapist and practice has a different style, try and schedule initial consultations to help you find the right fit. The more you know about a program or experience, the better the results.

2. Go to a Support Group

Support groups can be held online, in-person, or, depending on the group moderators, in a hybrid model. They generally allow for more flexibility in engagement, and are often peer-led, meaning there is not one group leader. Support groups are not always run by a licensed mental health professional either, but by people who have had similar experiences or feelings. Try a handful of support groups to find the right fit.

3. Call a Friend

This one may take a lot of courage or even feel inaccessible to you. If you don’t already have a close friend who you can trust, try reaching out to people that you used to be close to. As we mature, we are often able to look past old drama and better understand the importance of mental health. Fortunately, society has become slightly more open in talking about mental health, but there is still a long way to go!

4. Improve Your Self-Care

Like anything else, self-care is unique to you. What feels re-energizing and beneficial to you can feel like the most dreadful thing to someone else. What helps you feel rested, balanced, and in an overall better mindset? Start doing those things daily, and you’ll begin to increase your mental energy required for parenting. The longer the time in-between your moments of self-care, the quicker you will begin to experience burnout.

If you don’t have time for a self-care routine, start small. Take two minutes every morning before checking your phone or grabbing the kids to breathe deeply and think about yourself. What do you need to be happy? What do you need to feel successful? What needs to change? Then smile, and thank yourself for how far you have come and all of the accomplishments you have made along the way.

5. Identify How You Could Get Help

When experiencing parental burnout, anything you can do to minimize your to-do list may be helpful. Hiring a babysitting service, finding a household manager, or even asking for support from friends or family can be an easy way to lessen some of the stress from responsibilities. This could be as simple as asking a friend if they mind watching your little one while you get an extra hour of sleep.

6. Let Go of Your Unrealistic Expectations

Perfectionism fuels the fire of parental burnout. Wondering if you are doing enough may spiral you into unhelpful ruminations about your worth as a parent. Social media can enforce unrealistic expectations of what the parenting experience should be. One way to manage some of your expectations about parenting is to follow social media pages which show the messier and more realistic sides of parenting. Bonus points if you find an account that uses humor to help you laugh about the serious stuff!

7. Work to Establish Structure & Routines

Children tend to thrive with structure and routines because they understand what their expectations are and learn to depend on what their environment can offer them. Parents can also enjoy structure because it allows them to establish healthy expectations and boundaries for each day.

For example, maybe you establish a routine that when you and your child arrive home from work and school, they start their homework while you start cooking dinner. Then you know those few minutes in the kitchen you can have some quiet time alone while you prepare a meal and process your day.

8. Take Micro-Breaks

Of course every parent would love the chance to take a break, but this isn’t always feasible. Have you ever heard of a micro-break? Here’s a couple examples: Maybe while you are in the shower, you do a breathing exercise. Or maybe while you take your child to the park, you bring your favorite coffee to sip on while you watch them play.

9. Find Meaning in This Season of Your Parenting Journey

The journey of parenthood will have its ups and downs, but one thing is for sure: each moment will pass through its season. Find time to reflect on the meaning of this journey in your parenting season. Maybe your child is having trouble sleeping, but it gives you more time to comfort and snuggle them. Or maybe your teen is acting out with snarky comments, but you notice they are becoming more independent around taking care of personal and school tasks.

10. Practice Self-Compassion & Self-Love

Being able to take care of yourself without negative self-talk is the greatest act of self-love. We are always most critical of ourselves and automatically assume that when things don’t go as planned, we are at fault. More often than not, it is out of your control. When you notice yourself speaking negatively, take a deep breath and focus on forgiving yourself. Focus on what is in your control and recognize the things that aren’t. By focusing on the moment, you can parent more mindfully while taking care of yourself and your children.

When to Get Professional Help for Parenting Burnout

Don’t wait until you’ve hit your breaking point to get professional help. If you start thinking it’s time to see a therapist, it probably is. If you wait, it may take a few weeks to get your first therapy appointment scheduled, or you may be so overwhelmed that you don’t know where to begin. The sooner you have a safe space to express your feelings, the sooner you can learn how to manage daily stressors.

Major red flags that need immediate attention are any signs of suicidal or homicidal thoughts. Medical professionals are trained to help you navigate these dark places and can offer you a variety of options based on your specific symptoms.

When deciding whether to get professional help for parental burnout, look for these four symptoms:⁶

• Overwhelming exhaustion
• Emotional detachment from children
• Loss of productivity and pleasure in the parental role
• Change in behavior

Who Should I Consult For Help In Overcoming Parental Burnout?

If you have a trusting relationship with your primary care doctor (PCP) or OB/GYN, consult them about overcoming your parental burnout. Or, when working with a therapist one-on-one, you can learn coping skills to help with day-to-day challenges. A therapist may also be able to help you notice negative patterns and explore ways to improve your environment.

Consider seeking couples counseling if there are a lot of issues surrounding communication, role responsibilities, and overall parenting styles. Initiating the conversation with your partner about going to couples therapy can be challenging, but the sooner the family unit seeks support, the sooner some of the stress will improve.

Lastly, if you are looking for even more support outside of individual or couples therapy, there are group programs or support groups with other parents and caregivers. These meetings are a great way to gain different perspectives on your situations. Group therapy is often facilitated and organized by a licensed mental health professional, whereas a support group is often peer-led.

How to Find a Therapist

You can start your search for a therapist on an online therapist directory. Try to schedule initial consultations with therapists to determine whether they are the right fit. It is OK to ask questions in order to fully understand the therapeutic process and style of your provider. Keep in mind that, depending on the severity of your symptoms, therapy may last longer.

The price range can also vary depending on whether or not you choose to use insurance, the level of expertise your clinician has, and the location of services. Talking to your therapist about payment options is always recommended.

How To Support a Loved One Who Is Experiencing Parenting Burnout

To help a loved one who is experiencing parenting burnout, be honest, open, and direct. If they come to you and share, listen to them. Chances are that it has already taken a great deal of courage to open up and share these feelings, so ask them what they need from you to feel more supported. Most importantly, don’t take their responses lightly. What you initially think may be helpful is often quite the opposite.

What isn’t helpful is brushing your loved one’s feelings off by making statements such as, “Oh, everyone’s burned out” or, “You’re a great parent! The kids love you!” Generalizing their experience makes people feel invalidated because when they finally asked for help, they weren’t taken seriously.