How to Be a Better Lover: Tips From a Sex Therapist

How to Be a Better Lover

Whether you’re new to sex or have been doing the horizontal mambo for years, wanting to be a better lover is both understandable and beneficial. Maximizing pleasure can enhance connection and intimacy.¹ Attending to the needs of your partner(s) may express caring and respect and increasing sexual satisfaction may also improve overall relationship satisfaction.²

The importance of sex in a relationship may vary. For some it may be the focal point of a relationship while others may not value sex at all. Regardless of where you fall on that continuum, being able to engage sexually in ways that are mutually enjoyable is ideal, regardless of how often it happens. Good sex doesn’t have to mean frequent sex.

Here are 27 tips on how to be a better lover:

1. Know Yourself

Take some time to know your sexual self. How do you turn yourself on? What clothes make you feel sexy or desirable? Where do you like to be touched and how? Do you prefer the lights on? Is there music that gets you in the mood? Enhancing self-awareness and sexual confidence is the first step in being able to communicate with a partner.

It’s also important to think about things that are off limits. Consider positions that may be uncomfortable or parts of the body you’d prefer not to have touched or penetrated. In this reflection, try not to think about what your partner might want; really focus on you. Having a clear sense of self allows for more open communication and honest negotiation around what’s ok or possible.³

2. Dismantle Shame

Many people deal with sexual shame every day. It may stem from messages received from society, skewed messages from family, or a host of other places. Regardless of where it comes from, shame effectively shuts down sexual desire.³ Take time to evaluate your sexual values as they exist now to provide a new anchor from which to evaluate your interests or behaviors.

3. Improve Sexual Communication

Good sexual communication is important in any relationship. Even if you’re having casual sex without romantic involvement, talking about sex makes for better sex.^{2, 3, 4, 5} Use “I” statements to express the things you want, want to try, or that are off the table. Starting sentences with the word “you” may put your partner on the defensive. For example, “I don’t want anal penetration” lands differently than “you can’t penetrate me anally”.

Practice using words or language that feel comfortable for you. Non-verbal communication can help in the moment when words may feel awkward,⁶ but open communication is a must. Inhibited sexual communication has been linked to higher rates of faking orgasm.⁷ As difficult as it may be, solid sexual communication has been shown to clarify doubts and reduce insecurity.⁸

4. Talk Outside the Bedroom

Waiting to talk about sex until it’s happening is a slippery slope. Talking about sex when sex is imminent may create feelings of pressure or expectation. If feedback is shared immediately after sex, someone may feel scrutinized or judged which may impede future encounters. Wait until the next morning to talk about what you liked, what you didn’t, and what you might want to try next time.

Sex is a vulnerable experience for many people. Respect this by having conversations when sex isn’t possible. Talk over dinner or while getting ready in the morning. Car rides can also be a good time as they provide a break from intense eye contact. Give your partner a heads up that you want to have the conversation so you can decide together when a good time would be.

5. Discuss Boundaries

Communicating boundaries early and clearly is a way to show both yourself and your partner respect. Some people may feel shut down if a boundary is discovered only after it’s been crossed. There may be feelings of guilt about having caused hurt or distress. There may also be the need to engage in caretaking or soothing, neither of which tend to be very sexy.

6. Do Some Chores

Turning off our thinking to engage in sex can be difficult, especially when there’s a lot to do. Helping out with household tasks may allow for greater relaxation and presence in the moment. More egalitarianism (sharing of responsibilities equally) in a relationship has been shown to increase sexual desire.³ Plus the laundry gets done – it’s a win-win!

7. Talk Inside the Bedroom

Good communication is an ongoing process. Talking with your partner outside of sex helps bring understanding and awareness. Talking during sex takes that to the next level. Verbal sexual communication has been linked to an individual’s own sexual pleasure.² Tell your partner how sexy they look and how amazing they feel. Expressions of desire increase intimacy.³

Telling someone what you don’t like or want doesn’t give much direction about what to do. If it’s not ok for a partner to touch certain body parts, be sure to name the ones they can touch. Make it clear which parts are longing for touch. Point out things that feel good. “Yes!” is one of the sexiest words out there!

8. Communicate Non-Verbally

Non-verbal sexual communication has been connected to both self and partner’s sexual satisfaction.² It tends to be an aspect of almost all in-sex sexual communication. Many people believe that non-verbal communication during sex better maintains the mood and can be protective of a partner’s feelings.⁸ Making an adjustment by moving a partner’s hand may be smoother than asking.

Moaning or panting can express pleasure and may be very erotic to a partner. Freedom to make noises also removes pressure to think about something to say. Moving your body in time with your partner demonstrates connection. Allowing your body to respond with movement lets your partner feel that connection rather than hearing about it.

9. Tend to Your Body

People often assume the things that make a better lover are focused on one’s partner. Don’t underestimate the power of good grooming and hygiene! Make sure nails are clean, trimmed and filed if there’s going to be any penetration with fingers. Skin of the vulva and anus are quite soft and can easily tear. Consider the use of any lotions or lubricants as they may add an unwelcome taste.

10. Connect Emotionally

Some people need an emotional connection to be able to experience sexual desire. Emotional intimacy can elicit feelings of safety which can allow the body to relax into pleasure. Take interest in your partner’s life. Ask about their feelings, accomplishments, and evolution as a person. Connecting intimately is much more than knowing the details of someone’s day, it’s knowing their internal world and all its complexity. Emotional connection may facilitate more intimate sex.

Emotional intimacy has been found to help maintain sexual desire in long-term relationships.³ Couples who value sex as a means of connection more than pleasure tend to maintain sexual connections longer. They are also more adaptive to adversity, such as medical issues, which may alter sexual function.⁹

11. Intimacy With Intention

Great sex doesn’t have to be romantic or emotional. Sexual intimacy can be fostered by authentic, non-judgmental communication about sexual interests and desires. It’s possible to share openly about one’s erotic self without having to talk about other aspects of life. Don’t feel pressure to engage or connect in ways that aren’t comfortable for you.

Sometimes people want to have passionate, intense sex without the expectations of emotional closeness, and that’s ok! In one recent study, some people reported intentionally abstaining from kissing during sex as it was seen as too intimate.¹ Cuddling and massage have also been linked to intimacy,¹ so consider leaving this out if emotional closeness isn’t the goal.

12. Broaden Your Definition of “Sex”

Interestingly, there’s no universal definition of “sex”. Some people only think about penetration while others may see any contact with genitals as sex. The more we broaden our understanding of sexual or erotic play, the more likely we are to engage without pressure. This also creates flexibility as we age or experience changes in our bodies. Sex doesn’t have to require any particular part in any particular state.

Further, many people don’t think about when sex is over. If the assumption is that sex requires an erect penis, then many people would say that sex is over when the guy ejaculates. How limiting! Sex is over when one or both people are done. Being a good lover means being attentive to your partner and their needs even if yours have been met.

13. Kiss & Cuddle

Kissing, cuddling and massage have been linked to increased intimacy. These may be wonderful alternatives to intercourse whether for personal preference or because of changing physical abilities. Cuddling particularly is connected to greater sexual arousal, emotional intimacy, and sexual pleasure.¹ Cuddling before or after sex is a great way to tune in to our largest sex organ – the skin!

14. Don’t Take it Personal

Sometimes people just aren’t in the mood. It’s common for people to be willing to have sex, even if they’re not wanting. Be clear about how you’re feeling and allow your partner to decide if that’s ok for them. Sometimes being a better lover means being in tune and accepting of where your partner is. Being responsive to your partner helps build intimacy.³

15. Plan for Protection

Worrying about unwanted pregnancy or STI’s can really dampen sexual energy. Have a plan for protection before things get hot and heavy. In the midst of the throes of passion is not the time to go searching for a condom. Trusting that physical health is being protected allows for immersion into all the best parts of sex!

16. Slow Down

Building anticipation is a great way to enhance pleasure and stoke desire.³ Keep that in mind before jumping directly to stimulating nipples or genitals. Consider exploring your partner’s whole body, perhaps using feathers, silk, or other sensuous materials. Tease with light touches around erogenous zones such as the neck, stomach, and armpits to really get the juices flowing.

17. Play Optometrist

Anyone who has ever been to the optometrist knows the whole “is it better 1 or 2?” process. This can be a great way to explore together! Present your partner with 2 options of stimulation in various ways and let them tell you if it’s better the first way or the second way. Continue this exploration until you find the option your partner continues to choose, then go for it!

18. Be a Giver

It’s ok for sex to occasionally be one-sided as long as everyone is consenting. If you’re not in the mood but your partner is, offer to sit behind them naked while they masturbate. Perhaps the feel or sight of your naked body would be an excellent stimulus for their pleasure. Sexy statements whispered in the ear can really crank up the erotic factor.

Providing manual or oral stimulation is another way to emphasize your partner’s pleasure.¹⁰ Let them know that the main intention is for them to feel good and mean it! Focus solely on their pleasure until either one of you taps out. Tune in to their body’s reaction and the sounds and faces they make. Take pleasure in knowing your partner feels wonderful!

19. Listen to Your Partner

If your partner has offered some direction, listen! Adhering to guidance increases trust and continues to improve communication.⁸ It demonstrates both that you’re listening and that you care about your partner. Improved satisfaction with sexual communication increases overall sexual satisfaction, not to mention that it fosters orgasm.

20. Go With the Flow

Be open to go where the experience leads without feeling pressure for certain aspects. Great sex doesn’t have to include orgasm. Some people long for physical connection with their partner and would rather have an evening of passionate kissing and touching over genital contact. This fluidity also allows for permission to stop at any time. Respecting boundaries without reaction is another hallmark of a great lover.

21. Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness has been shown to significantly enhance sexual pleasure¹¹ along with a host of other benefits including positive emotions, sexual arousal, and feelings of closeness to partners.^{12, 13} This has even been found for people with a history of trauma.¹⁴ Mindfulness practice can happen solo or with a partner. With all these benefits, it’s highly recommended to share the love.

22. Plan & Anticipate

For busy couples, sex may be one of the first things to fall to the wayside. Make a point to prioritize time for sex. Let your partner know that you’re looking forward to connecting and being intimate. Send flirtatious text messages throughout the day with some hints to what you have in store for your partner. Planned sex doesn’t have to mean predictable sex.

23. Set the Mood

Taking time to set the mood demonstrates that time together matters and has been shown to increase sexual satisfaction for both men and women.⁴ Consider all senses when setting the scene. Put on music that sets the tone and make sure you have a couple hours of it ready. Light scented candles for a romantic glow with an aromatic edge. Tidy your space, lay down soft blankets, and have pillows ready to be used as needed.

24. Explore Novelty

If variety is the spice of life, then it’s no wonder that sexual variety enhances sexual satisfaction and desire.³ For many couples, sex can become formulaic and predictable. Consider diversifying your sexual repertoire. Try a new sexual position or go shopping for lingerie. Take a trip to a local sex shop together and see what piques your interest. Read erotica aloud to one another and act out a particularly steamy scene.

For some, variety might include kink or bringing in other partners. Even talking about such things can be a big turn on. If you’re going to try something that can change your relationship, be sure you talk about more than just the enticing aspects. Ongoing communication is key to any change in a relationship.

25. Nurture Autonomy

Fire needs air as passion needs space. We need time to miss our partners in order to revel in reconnecting with them. In a now famous TedTalk, Esther Perel¹⁵ talks about this dynamic which has been further supported by research.³ And it’s not just time apart that does the trick. It’s time apart and appreciating it that really stokes desire.

26. After Care

Continuing to attend to your partner after sex is another way to express care and connection. Hugs, snuggles, space, or reassurance may be needed. Sex can be physically draining, so make sure water is available to rehydrate and cool down. The aftersex glow can increase intimate connections, so make sure that whatever aftercare happens is congruent with everyone’s needs.

27. Masturbate

Masturbation is a wonderful way to maintain a connection to your sexual self. Feeling comfortable with masturbation allows for a quick release any time it’s needed. Masturbation provides an opportunity to practice delaying orgasm, experimenting with different types of stimulation, and provides an outlet when partners aren’t in the mood. Regular masturbation also helps maintain sexual desire.

How Therapy Can Help

Therapy can help address concerns before they start creating problems in a relationship. Talking to a marriage or couples therapist in-person or virtually can help improve overall communication with the goal of being able to talk more openly and effectively about sex. Addressing difficulties with sexual self-esteem or communication can happen regardless of one’s relationship status or current sexual activity.

Sex therapy can provide specialized guidance in addressing all aspects of sexuality. With consideration for values, culture, and previous experiences, a sex therapist will gain a comprehensive understanding of a situation. Non-demand interventions such as sensate focus may be used to help slow down a sexual encounter and focus more on sensation than orgasm.

In My Experience

There is no one skill, position, or maneuver that is guaranteed to earn someone the title of ‘amazing lover’. What is highly pleasurable for one person may be highly aversive to the next. Bodies are innervated differently and experiences from the past leave their mark. Being a good lover isn’t about skill, it’s about connection and authenticity. It’s about being comfortable enough with yourself and your desires to let them be known to someone else. It’s about listening openly to your partner’s wants and needs and making these a priority. What it means to be a good lover also changes over time. Maintaining the flexibility to evolve with life is the recipe for maintaining an ideal connection to sex as long as possible.