11 Tips for Having More Intimate Sex

What Is Intimate Sex?

The definition of what constitutes intimate sex depends on the couple. Choices for positions, foreplay, dirty talk and role-play are agreed on by both partners, often as a result of trial-and-error. For one couple, kissing in the missionary position could be a highly intimate way to connect emotionally, while another couple might use the same combination merely as a warm-up to other sexual acts that they find more intimate.

The longer a couple has been together, the more they are at risk of losing the magic element of intimacy in the bedroom. The stress of life responsibilities and physical conditions can put a damper on sex frequency and quality, making couples yearn to restore a sexual connection that they sense slipping away or that they have lost completely.

Are Sex & Intimacy the Same Thing?

Sex and intimacy are not the same thing. Sex in the context of romantic relationships refers to activities in which partners explore each other’s bodies in a sexual manner, most commonly through intercourse. Emotional intimacy refers to something completely different: instead of a physical act, intimacy is a deep feeling of emotional connection that two people (who could be family members or friends) create because of the close nature of their relationship.

As a species, our brains are wired to pursue sexual activity and enjoy it for the purpose of procreation. But sex can be so much more than experiencing the physical sensations of an orgasm.

Why Is Intimate Sex Difficult for Some People?

It’s no surprise why couples might find it difficult to identify opportunities to enjoy the emotional rewards of connecting with their partners through sex challenging. Society’s ideas about life can be narrow and random and sex is a great example. In media created for male consumption, especially pornography, sex is something that is portrayed as aggressive, rushed, detached and in some cases, abusive. This is no environment for intimacy to exist, let alone flourish.

The question of how to have more intimate sex is an important one for couples to ask. Sex is one of the most important aspects of romantic relationships and in many situations, if sex is non-existent, it’s generally a telltale sign that there is a much bigger relationship issue at play like sexual compatibility problems, or painful past experiences like sexual assault or physical abuse.

11 Tips for Having More Intimate Sex

Though sex and intimacy are not the same thing, when they are combined, it can make for some of the best sex of your life. No matter how long you have been together, if you and your partner trust each other and feel safe enough to increase confidence in the bedroom, there are many ways to increase intimate moments during sex.

To maximize your chances of success in implementing intimacy exercises and the following strategies, you may want to get some help from a mental health professional. Not only can they help you identify and implement those strategies that are best for you and your partner, these providers can help you identify potential challenges and help you work through them in constructive ways.

Here are eleven tips for having more intimate sex, just to name a few:

1. Hype It Up

To increase intimacy during sex, try making a plan to have sex with your partner several days in advance. Until the time comes, talk or text with your partner about the foreplay moves, positions and other aspects about your time together that you’re the most excited about or are fantasizing about. The more specific, the better.

2. Minimize Distractions

Intimate sex happens when both partners are present and fully engaged with each other. To increase the chances that you and your partner can do this, take steps ahead of time to minimize things that might distract you during sex, such as turning off your phone, turning off the TV and picking a location that maximizes privacy.

3. Don’t Forget to Warm Up

Though sometimes it’s tempting to tear off clothes and jump straight to intercourse, that approach makes sexual intimacy more difficult to achieve. Instead, start with a gradual build-up of foreplay before penetration, with some outercourse activities. Deliberate exploration of each other’s bodies and the extra time focusing on each other builds sexual tension, which heightens the senses and creates a more intimate experience.

4. Talk To Each Other

Intimacy is the feeling of a deep sense of connection with your partner and verbal communication is one of the best ways to establish that connection. During both foreplay and intercourse, try sharing with your partner what you are feeling in your body and what you like about what your partner is doing. Engage your partner by asking them what they are enjoying about the experience.

5. Take Your Time

Your body might be screaming at you to go fast, but slowing things down can help you stay present and allow you and your partner to experience an intimate connection during sex. Think and talk to your partner about how you might be able to slow down foreplay and intercourse. Doing so will allow all your senses to take in more stimulus, which leads to more intimate moments.

6. Make Eye Contact

Humans use eye contact as a very important part of communication. In the bedroom, it has special powers. Create intimate moments – and become more turned on – by occasionally locking eyes with your partner during sex. To really ramp up the intensity, during eye contact, tell your partner something you appreciate about them, physically or otherwise.

7. Make Some Noise

During sex scenes in movies, the actors are often mostly silent during intercourse. Don’t take this as a hint! Let your partner know what feels good by verbalizing the feeling, without using words. If you feel like (and are in the appropriate environment for) shouting, express yourself! If not, don’t overlook the power of a well-placed, subtle groan, grunt or deep breath.

8. Show Your Appreciation

Sharing gratitude with your partner during and after sex is what the Gottmans consider making a deposit in your “Emotional Bank Account.” If you and your partner view sex as a gift that you give to each other, it can create a dynamic during sex that fosters mutual respect – the perfect environment for intimacy to flourish.

9. Engage All Senses

Another reason for taking it slow in the bedroom is that it allows you and your partner the chance to engage not just the sense of touch and sight, but also of sound, taste and smell. Activating these senses and noticing their stimulation allows you to enjoy your partner on more levels, creating an intimate experience like no other. So, listen to the sounds your partner makes. Smell their hair. Taste their skin!

10. Delay Gratification

Though the orgasm is often considered the “climax” of a sexual encounter, you can create more intimacy – and potentially have a better orgasm –  by putting it off. Doing so allows the intensity more time to build, which helps engage your senses more. These elements allow for more opportunities to establish an intimate connection with your partner and take sex to a whole new level

11. Post-Game Brief

Intimate sex does not stop after you have finished with intercourse. During pillow talk and even in the days after, keep the intimate connection going by engaging in an open dialogue with your partner about what specifically you enjoyed about a particular sexual encounter. This routine counts as an “Emotional Bank Account” deposit and gives you and your partner something to look forward to for the next round.

When to Seek Professional Help

Even if both you and your partner are up for trying new things in the bedroom to increase intimacy during sex, you may experience difficulty in implementing them. Like trying anything new in a relationship, it may be uncomfortable at first. There could be many reasons why such experiments don’t turn out well; it could be something as minor as communication or something as serious as reactions to a sexual trauma.

If you or your partner experience physical pain during sex, visit a doctor. To better understand emotional and cognitive challenges you and your partner may experience when attempting to have more intimate sex, such as sexual anxiety, finding a marriage counselor is the best place to turn for help. You can search online for qualified and experienced marriage counselors and other mental health professionals by browsing an online therapist directory. When screening counselors to find the best fit for your and your partner’s needs, consider providers who specialize and are certified in sex therapy. Participating in couples counseling can be an effective and rewarding way to address even the most difficult relationship issues.

In My Experience

When couples seek my counsel in establishing or restoring intimacy in their sex lives, I start by asking each partner how they define intimacy and how they believe it can be experienced during sex. I believe it is most valuable for partners to share with each other what intimacy means to them and their visions for incorporating it during sex.

From here, I facilitate a discussion with couples about how they might be able to integrate their ideas for how to increase intimacy during sex and brainstorm a plan for how they might be able to implement these ideas in a manner that feels safe for both partners.

If there are painful obstacles in the way of connecting with your partner in the bedroom, such as past sexual assault or physical abuse, a mental health professional can help you and your partner identify these, learn more about their long-term effects and create space in your relationship to attend to them. Doing so can allow both partners to feel safe and fulfilled. Even if you or your partner have experienced extensive trauma, a willingness to remain open to the mental health treatment process and maintaining an open and honest dialogue with your partner about your needs can greatly increase your chances of benefitting from counseling and being able to experience more intimate moments during sex.