Confidence in the bedroom is often something people must work on and cultivate. Low confidence or feeling unable to be ‘good in bed’ can cause physical intimacy to feel less satisfying and pleasurable – both to ourselves and our partners. On the flip side, great sex is possible when we feel confident in our ability to please our partner sexually, as well allow ourselves to experience sexual pleasure.
11 Tips to Boost Sexual Confidence
Building confidence in yourself and learning more about the sexual experiences you want to have helps you increase confidence in the bedroom and experience better sex. Physical intimacy is something many of us need and crave in life, just like food, water, and air. A lack of confidence in our ability to be “good in bed,” along with unhealthy messages that society sends about sex, can impact our intimacy and sexual connection.
Here are 11 tips for boosting sexual confidence:
1. Notice Your Self-Talk
The things we say to ourselves greatly impact our feelings, affecting how we behave. Noticing our negative self-talk and changing unhelpful thinking styles is something that can greatly increase our happiness and confidence in life in all areas, including in the bedroom. If you are telling yourself that you aren’t attractive or aren’t doing things ‘right,’ it will hinder the way you show up sexually and your ability to experience pleasure. Pay attention to your thoughts (both inside the bedroom and out) and if you notice your thoughts turning negative, actively change them to something more positive.
2. Be Mindful In The Bedroom
Mindfulness is the practice of being present in the moment. If you are caught up in your head, it is hard to truly enjoy an experience. This is true in any life experience, including in the bedroom. Practicing being in the moment will help you be more in touch with your own feelings/sensations as well as your partners. Practice being mindful of touch, temperature, sensation, texture, etc.
3. Improve Your Communication
Good communication about physical and emotional intimacy has been linked to sexual satisfaction. Research has shown that only 9% of women who can’t comfortably talk about sex with their partner say that they’re satisfied sexually.1 Therefore, couples with good communication about sex have better sex. Communication helps you know yourself better and helps you and your partner know one another better. If you know your likes/dislikes and your partner’s likes/dislikes, you will be able to please one another better and this will help you feel more confident.
4. Be Curious About Your Body & Sexual Experiences
Many people feel a lot of shame and anxiety around sex, which blocks people’s openness to trying new things and therefore to learning more about what turns them and their partner on. By being curious about your body and sexual experiences, you will learn more about what pleases both you and your partner and will be better able to speak up in the bedroom and meet your partner’s needs.
5. Learn How to Tell Your Partner What You Want
When we know who we are and what we want, we can be more assertive in asking for it and more confident within ourselves. Learning what you like is the first step but that must be followed up with telling your partner, whether in the moment or outside of the actual act. If you feel uncomfortable doing this, try talking outside of the bedroom first. You can search questions to ask one another about sex on the web if you need some help getting going.
6. Practice Moving Away From Sexual Shame
Society, and maybe even our own parents, can send messages that sex is shameful. Shame impairs our ability to feel positively, including the ability to feel confidence or pleasure. It is important to pay attention to the negative thoughts/beliefs about sex that arise in our minds and lead to feelings of shame. Practice identifying these unhelpful thoughts and changing them to something more positive. Remind yourself that sex is a natural and normal part of human nature and is nothing to be ashamed of.
7. Recognize the Role of Culture
Different cultures view sex differently and, therefore, give different messages. Identifying how your own culture has impacted your sexual views and practices can help you decide which cultural messages and practices you want to keep and which ones may be holding you back from being your best self.
8. Become More Confident in All Areas of Your Life
By working on becoming more confident in general, your newfound confidence is sure to translate into the bedroom as well. Sex is a vulnerable act, and we must have confidence within ourselves and who we are in our everyday life in order to be confident in such a vulnerable place.
9. Accept and Love Your Body
We are inundated on a daily basis with ideas and images of what is attractive and sexy. It can be easy to get down on yourself or develop a poor body image if you don’t look like the people in the movies, magazines, on billboards, etc. However, research shows that feeling attractive is linked to sexual satisfaction.2 We must feel confident and good about our body to feel confident in bed. When you start to compare yourself negatively to others, remind yourself that we are all shaped differently and that is ok. Accept yourself for who you are and embrace your beauty.
10. Take Care of Your Overall Mental Health and Well-Being
Studies have shown that mental health concerns, such as depression, can affect your feelings about sex, including increasing feelings of inadequacy, which leads to less sexual satisfaction.3 Make sure that you are taking care of your mental health by exercising, eating right, getting enough sleep, engaging in pleasurable activities, finding meaning and purpose in life and seeking support when needed.
11. Know That You Don’t Have to be Perfect
When we have unrealistic expectations of ourselves, it can damage our confidence because the expectations are not achievable. Let go of any thoughts or expectations that you must be perfect. It is also important to let go of any thoughts or beliefs that your partner expects you to be perfect. One study found that believing your partner expects you to be perfect in bed decreases sexual self-esteem and increases sexual anxiety.4
How Therapy Can Help
If you are having trouble implementing these strategies and making the progress you want on becoming more confident in bed, use an online therapist directory to find a therapist that can help you achieve your goals. Individual therapy can be helpful in identifying and changing unhealthy thinking patterns and in identifying other blocks to improving your sexual confidence, while couples therapy can be helpful in achieving more sexual confidence
A couples therapist or online marriage counseling service can help you and your partner begin the dialogue about sex and can teach you communication skills that can improve your sex life. They can also help you recognize and deal with any relationship concerns that may be impacting confidence and sexual satisfaction.
Final Thoughts
Sex is a way for us to feel closer and more connected to our partner. Lack of confidence, however, is something that can block this intimacy and connection. Working on building up confidence in bed can help you get more satisfaction from intimacy and will also bring you and your partner closer together. The closeness you feel from intimate sexual experiences can help strengthen your relationship overall.
How to Be More Confident in Bed Infographics
