A good mother is a good listener at all stages of development, from infancy to adolescence. This takes patience, not interrupting, and valuing your child’s thoughts, opinions, feelings, and perspectives. To do this well, you need to be ready to listen when the child wants to talk, not when it fits your schedule. Helping kids feel their unique significance is a remarkably important job.
What Is a Good Mother?
A good mother learns what’s important to their child by listening to what they verbalize and understanding that behavior is a messenger when her child cannot articulate what’s on their mind. She rides with her child into their new developmental stages, new interests, highs, and lows, and loves them unconditionally despite puzzling behaviors, unexpected reactions, and lots of growing interests.
The type of listening a mom will need to practice depends on the child’s stage of development. As moms, we are often in tune with an infant’s nonverbal behavior. When the baby is sucking on a nipple and averts their head, they are saying I need a breather. Maybe I’ll have more, but maybe not. The attentive mom observes this behavior as a communication.1
Less obvious is a child or adolescent’s behavior. If your child comes home from school and slams their backpack on the floor, consider what that action means before asking or demanding that they pick it up. The child is saying something about their day. The backpack isn’t really important. Take your time and continue to observe this child until they collect themselves. When they calm down independently, that’s your cue for an open-ended conversation.
Why Is Being a Good Mother Important?
Mothers who can transmit the message that their child is a valued member of the family, their school, and society will gift their child with grounded self-esteem. What could be more important than supporting the daily emotional and physical well-being of a child?
Because of the huge responsibility of raising a child, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed no matter how old your child is. Just when you think you’ve caught on to your two-year-old, six months pass, and it’s like another child has appeared before your eyes. Children learn so quickly, it’s hard to keep up.
But if a mom can learn that the unexpected is the only thing she can expect, then daily life may not seem so uncertain anymore. Understand that you can’t possibly know what to expect, so you shouldn’t blame or compare yourself unfavorably to other mothers.
Here are fifteen tips on how to be a good mother:
1. Take Time to Understand Their Behavior
When you see an off-putting behavior, instead of jumping to conclusions and impulsive reactions, take a step back and simply wait and see what happens next. While waiting, stay as collected as possible, which is calming for your child.
2. Learn About Child Development
In whatever venue that you are comfortable in, read or listen to blogs, print or digital or audiobooks, and various websites about expected child development. Once you’ve read a few, notice that there are not only conflicting opinions but that each kid is really quite individual. Your child has their own pace. Let them know that being unique is just fine.1
3. Learn the Difference between Developmental Age & Actual Age
Remind yourself that there’s a difference between actual age and developmental age. Ten five-year-olds may have a range of aptitudes and interests in story times. The tip is to accept where your child is rather than compare them to the child sitting next to them in the library during story time. Some kids can read at three or four, while others begin at seven or eight. If you have regard for their unique “readiness,” then they’ll get along fine, and you’ll be proud.
4. Use “Feeling Language”
Using feeling language early on will help you and your child communicate. Everyday words like sad, happy, upset, mad, and later more challenging words like frustration, confused, and frightened give your child the words they need to tell you what’s going on in their emotional mind. There’s no such thing as a “bad” feeling or even a “wrong” feeling. Make sure your child knows you believe that.
5. Spend One-on-One Time
Playing with your child one-on-one, even when there are several siblings, is worth the effort. If each child knows that they will get time alone with you a few times during the week, they will come to depend on you, trust you, and simply delight in being with you.
6. Respect that Your Child Is Their Own Person
As your child grows, even during the first three years, they are discovering their thoughts may be different from yours and other kids. Let them know that’s super to think for oneself. Just listen to their thoughts without challenging them. Every conversation needn’t be a lesson. Just hearing your child’s own thoughts with respect is incredibly valuable.2
7. Take Time for Self-Care
Me-time is essential for every mother. Mothering is work in itself. So like any job, you need time off. Think of it as mini-vacation time to gather your wits about you, enjoy your own interests, and even relax in the shower! Taking time for self-care will also model to your child the importance of them caring for themselves.
8. Be Willing to Say I’m Sorry
An apology goes a long way with kids and models for them that they, too, can make mistakes and say, “Sorry, Mom.” Really feeling sorry for misconstruing your child’s behavior or words goes a long way in building trust, essential to the mom-child bond. Mom guilt is a wasteful emotion. Instead of sitting in the guilt of having done something wrong, give your child a simple apology, and allow yourself to emotionally move on.
9. Share Parenting Responsibilities With Others
If you live with a partner, share your thoughts about child-rearing. Open communication is essential, especially when you expect that disagreements are normal and that tempers may flare now and then, but reasoning and sharing different points of view win out in the end. This will also improve your relationship separate from the kids.3
10. Recognize & Encourage Independence Spurts
Try to understand that when your two-year-old drops food on the floor, and when you pick it up and she smiles and drops it again, it is not an act of defiance or testing. It’s about learning what goes away can come back, and bits of food are ways to practice that essential learning experience. When this learning takes place, it furthers your child’s capacity for independence. This is progress—not defiance! Be proud.
11. Treat Tweens and Teens with Respect
When your tween or teen disagrees with your opinions, ask more about it. You may disagree with them, but asking them to think about other options, rather than blurting out your own, builds critical thinking skills. Listening to your child’s opinions is also crucial for your child to feel respected and worthy.
12. Make Learning a Priority
If kids see mom likes to learn new things and try to learn new approaches, they’ll follow suit. Your ten-year-old may begin to say, “Hey, Mom, I learned a new game. Want to learn it too?” If your child enjoys a video game and can engage you in playing, this builds bonds of respect, sharing, trust, and learning.
13. Accept That Some Kids Are Extroverts and Others Are Introverts
Society tends to favor the kids who chat, make friends easily, hang out, and easily make conversation. But those aren’t necessarily going to be the happiest kids or even the smartest. Some kids are great at the alone time. They focus, concentrate, build Legos, and read a lot. They enjoy their own company. This isn’t something to worry about. This introverted child is not shunning others or not learning how to socialize. They’ll socialize but probably have friends one on one and enjoy me-time.
14. Make Empathy Part of Daily Life
Modeling empathic behavior will teach your kids to become empathetic individuals. When kids see you interact with strangers kindly, hear you respectfully communicate with their other parent(s), and enjoy learning how characters on TV think and act, they will begin to respond in kind.
15. Let Loose
Fun and a good sense of humor are essential for a happy family life. If a mom can laugh at herself sometimes, then her kids will be able to joke about themselves too. Minor slights will stay minor. Criticism will be constructive. A mom who enjoys humor is looser, lighter, and free-er to give and take with enthusiasm. This will result in her kids becoming good at joking, too. Laughing is essential in mom-and-kid relationships.
How to Cope With Being An Imperfect Mom
Mom guilt is inevitable, but it’s essential to keep it in proportion and also allow it to become a motivation to try new approaches and accept one’s weaknesses. We can easily drown in our imperfections and expectations, but these negative emotions are not healthy for you or your child. Remember not to focus on your last step but on your next step.
Ways to cope with being an imperfect mom include:
Join a Mom Support Group
Support groups allow you to commiserate with other moms, normalize imperfection and receive advice. Sharing with positive understanding goes a long way. Support groups can be as few as three to five moms. They can take place in homes, in libraries, in adult education, in coffee shops, and the park.
Read Short Stories By & for Mothers about Mothering
Reading about how other mothers cope and succeed and goof up is so rewarding because you feel less alone without even talking to someone else. You can find stories about nothing in books, in mothering magazines, on websites, on blogs, and online.
Join Community Groups that Do NOT Focus on Parenting
Taking our minds and hearts away from mothering by developing other interests is so satisfying. If you have paid work, you may enjoy improving your education to get a promotion. You may love sports either by participating or going to games and matches. It’s such a relief to take a moment and remind yourself that you are a complex and dynamic person who is both a parent and also a person outside of parenting.
Think About Imperfection as a Way of Life
Understanding that imperfection is a part of life will give you perspective as a mom. It allows you to set goals and enjoy the process of reaching them rather than focusing only on the result. Experiencing motherhood without measuring how well you do at it is very satisfying.
Take Pride in Being a “Good Enough Mom”
The concept of “good enough” establishes a healthy perspective that relieves excessive worry, undue anxiety, and wishful thinking. Set reasonable parenting goals and share them with your partners, friends, and co-parents. Sharing, not advice-giving, goes a long way in accepting our imperfections and accepting we are flawed.
Recognize It’s Normal to Enjoy Some Stages More Than Others
Some mommies cherish times with infants, love breastfeeding, and are comfortable playing on the floor. Other mothers prefer reading times with five-year-olds who listen attentively and even say, “More, more, more.” Then again, some parents love engaging with teens the most when their cognitive abilities zoom, and they have loads of interesting ideas and interests. Not every developmental stage is the best for every mom. So go with the flow. Give attention willingly at all ages, but don’t fault yourself for enjoying some ages more than others.
Get Enough Sleep
Exhaustion impacts our perspectives. It causes undue worry, short tempers, illness, and easy frustrations. Everyone, kids definitely included, needs to sleep soundly. Of course, mothers of infants have interrupted sleep. Mothers of anxious kids with nightmares have interrupted sleep. This is part of mothering, of course, but catch up on those interrupted nights. Sleeping in is not a bad thing. Our bodies and minds need rest to function well.
Eat Well
Having a healthy relationship with food is important for yourself and your child. Good nourishment is essential for brain development and physical and emotional well-being. But enjoying snacks and dessert can be fun and relaxing. If you accept imperfection, you and your kids will probably become more open to various tastes and even foods from diverse cultures.
Try Taking an Imperfect Vacation
In other words, with or without your kids, take some time off to hang. You may have dreamed about taking stimulating and educational vacations for your child, but that isn’t always the best plan. You don’t want to need a vacation after your vacation.
Additionally, vacations don’t need to break the bank. It doesn’t cost anything to spend a weekend watching movies or taking a hike in the park. Don’t feel guilty if you cannot afford to take your children to Disney or Europe. Any form of quality time doing something fun will leave your child feeling loved and create happy memories.
When to Seek Professional Help
Professional help is recommended if being a mother is distressing to the point at which your self-doubts about caring for yourself and your child feel overwhelming, and you feel helpless to turn the corner and enjoy parenting. It may be that your self-doubts are spiraling, leading to symptoms of depression and/or undue anxiety.
If you have a newborn, you may be experiencing postpartum depression, which involves feelings of being unable to care for your baby, insomnia, change in appetite, and difficulty with daily functioning. Medication and psychotherapy can relieve these symptoms and provide the support you need as a mother.
If your child is in primary school, middle school, or high school and feelings of depression and anxiety prevent you from communicating with your child, again, professional help is highly warranted. In addition, if you feel your child or adolescent is struggling emotionally, support and parental guidance for you and psychotherapy for your child or teen is also warranted.
In My Experience
In my long-time experience treating mothers, fathers, and children, it is most helpful for each family member to discuss their struggles with a specialist in parenting and family life. Fully understanding the approach to mothering that you wish to undertake can be a satisfying and positive experience expanding your connection and communication with your child and your self-esteem as a parent.
There are various parenting approaches that give a mother the skills to listen well to her child, understand positive and puzzling behaviors, and solve problems with her child collaboratively. The outlook is very hopeful when the value of parenting is understood, the developmental needs of your child, and how to combine various life situations that impact the family, such as economic resources, career and work life, and personal support. The mother who regards herself as having a significantly important job will see their child as an individual, not fitting some pre-designed developmental plan.
My most treasured parenting approach, parental intelligence, shows parents how to empathically identify the meanings that lie behind behaviors, find ways to understand your child’s mind as they are progressing through various stages of development, and develop daily attitudes that foster collaborative critical thinking, reasoning, and problem-solving with children of all ages.
For Further Reading
15 Tips on How to Be a Good Mother Infographics
