Do you find yourself feeling guilty when it comes to your kids? Maybe there’s a little voice in the back of your mind telling you that you are “not enough.” The most important thing to remember is you’re not alone in feeling this way and you most certainly don’t have to accept the feelings of mom guilt.
This article and the tips shared with you come from my own experience and ability to take a step back and reflect. It hasn’t always been easy, but I hope you’ll resonate with some of them. Additionally, a therapist is always available to help you with decreasing your feelings of mom guilt and a great way to start building the life you want.
Also, despite research studies and terminology frequently referencing mothers or moms, guilt has the potential to extend to any and all parents and caregivers of children. With that being said, mothers are often the ones that society holds to higher standards, therefore the feelings of guilt tend to be more common among women.
What Causes Mom Guilt?
Researchers surveyed 63 Finnish mothers and identified five “guilt inducers” or reasons as to why a mother may experience guilt:1
1. Aggression
This encompasses physical, verbal or emotional aggression and is widely experienced. As a licensed therapist, I have worked with many families that have shown aggression towards their children, which at times has resulted in involvement with the Division of Children and Families (DCF). Whether DCF is involved or not, the parents and caregivers I have worked with often express guilt or remorse. That being said, aggression towards a child is never encouraged, but like any person, we all have our limits.
It is our responsibility as adults to learn how to manage our own needs in a healthy and non-toxic way. I was recently reminded of this in a local moms group,2 when the admin shared this reminder, “An escalated adult cannot de-escalate an escalated child. Parents, walk away, take deep belly breaths, splash water on your face, calm down and then parent/respond/discipline/(re)direct, etc.” Modeling positive behavior is so important for your child’s overall well-being.
2. The Desire to Leave or “Exit”
One may compare this to the common saying “throwing in the towel.” Some of the mothers surveyed also admitted to thoughts of suicide.1 It is incredibly important to recognize you are not alone in these thoughts and feelings. There are resources available and some of them have been listed at the end of this article to help you manage these thoughts and feelings.
For anyone feeling this way, seeking professional help is critical. There are 24/7 hotlines and chat options if you need immediate support. These feelings are very real, and should not be ignored. Similar to the complexity of the human experience in managing your aggression, this experience is no different. Having the compassion for yourself and doing your best to push through the feelings of shame and guilt.
3. Mental & Physical Absence
The more demands and stressors that are placed upon you, the higher the likelihood of absence. Being present, or mindful, is something that continues to grow in popularity the more society’s stressors grow. As you adjust to the role of being a mother, it’s okay to loosen your grip or shift how you show up in other parts of your life.
Most of the time, working parents have a really hard time with this shift in perspective. Your priorities have most likely changed and it is okay to take a step back and re-evaluate. An article about working mothers in Women’s Issues states that the major stresses of being a working mother are “lack of time, and a feeling of guilt, due to the perceived neglect of the parenting role.”3
4. Preferential Treatment
When you have more than one child, it can be hard not to compare experiences and personalities of your other children, and guilt can start to creep in. The things that make your children less than “perfect” is why we love them. It’s important to be mindful and pay attention to how you and other family members are treating each other. Try making sure each child gets some one-on-one time with you.
5. The Motherhood Myth
More than one in five of the mothers that were surveyed felt their guilt was not situational, rather it was related to cultural expectations. “Mothers felt they could not correspond to these high standards, such as loving unconditionally, never being angry or being constantly attentive.”1 The study concluded that guilt is common and contributes to the relationship between parent and child.
How Does Mom Guilt Affect Mental Health?
Mom guilt can show up in many ways and lead to a number of mental health issues such as: anxiety, depression, or even dissociation as a response to your own past trauma and experiences of stress. The European Society for Trauma and Dissociation (ESTD) have observed that a “lack of positive maternal affective involvement, maternal flatness of affect, and overall disrupted maternal communication were the strongest predictors of dissociation in young adulthood.”4
When we are mentally absent with your children, research has shown this can make an impact on their overall wellbeing and sense of self. When mom guilt is ignored or left untreated, burnout begins and you may find yourself struggling with managing the needs of your own mental health while also managing the needs of your children.
10 Strategies for Overcoming Mom Guilt
Taking care of yourself is equally as important as taking care of your babies. You have support, you have the resources, and you have the skills, all within yourself. Take your time reading these and visualize how they might make a difference in your life, but know that not every tip will work for everyone—find the best ways to support yourself and move forward.
These 10 strategies will help you to understand that you are not alone on this journey, whether you are a single mother or surrounded by family:
1. Practice Self-Compassion
Mom guilt is already placing enough blame and shame on you, you certainly do not need anymore “comments” from the peanut gallery of your mind. It is natural to want to spiral into a cycle of guilt, shame, and negative self-talk. When you practice self-compassion it allows room for forgiveness, love, and the opportunity for growth.
You can begin by trying to use the Ho’oponopono prayer, a Hawaiian prayer or meditation for self-love. Take a deep breath in and out through your nose and repeat the following about 7-8 times, or until you feel better. “I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.”5
2. Communicate—It’s Okay to Ask for Help
The most common problem when it comes to coping with mom guilt is not being able to communicate or share how you are feeling with others. This expands beyond how you’re feeling, but also how you can be supported. Remember, no one is a mind reader, so try not to assume that your needs are obvious to those around you.
My recommendation would be to “push logic aside” and think about your needs. Is it a night alone, maybe even a night at a hotel? A hot, uninterrupted meal? Maybe it’s a long, warm shower. These things are within your reach, but you have to work on asking your partner or other supports for help in a way that is clear to each of you.
In the workplace, this may look like communicating with your employer to explore all of your options. Boston College’s Tip Sheet: Mommy Guilt encourages you to research your own company, as well as other similar companies in your industry, to get a sense of any applicable policies and details you are willing to disclose.6
3. Identify Your Supports
The COVID-19 pandemic has changed a lot of access to support for new parents. Traditionally, family and friends, as well as outside resources, would have been able to help with the adjustments to parenthood. With that being said, make a list of everyone you identify in your support network, regardless of the pandemic.
Be creative with your support system and do your research. It may be worth your time connecting with an online or local support group. Most support groups are free or relatively low cost. A few resources are listed at the end of this article to help you get started.
4. Let Go of Expectations
Social media and sites like Pinterest do wonders at reminding us that we’re all not crafty and creative or that parenting isn’t as aesthetically pleasing as we may have thought. In addition to letting go of your own expectations of motherhood, you also have to let go of expectations of what support or help looks like. Of course your child’s safety should always come first, but beyond that, it’s okay if things are done differently than how you normally would have done them.
Remind yourself that just because you have your own preferences for bedtime or feeding, allow room for your partner or supports to also create their own rhythm and routine.
5. If Possible, Hire an Extra Hand
There is nothing more stressful than caring for your newborn, managing to remember to feed yourself, your partner(s) and your kids. In my own experience, I never felt like I could truly relax knowing that the dishes needed washing, laundry needed folding, toilets needed scrubbing, etc. I found so much value in hiring an extra hand rather than trying to split the responsibilities between two people who work full-time to get everything done week after week—while also trying to carve out precious time to enjoy with my growing family.
This hired help can be something that happens once a month or as-needed, the frequency depends on your budget and needs.
6. Remember Who You Are
It is incredibly easy to lose yourself in the mix of caring for your children. Try to take time regularly to do things that you truly enjoy. Think of old hobbies or something that you’ve always been curious about. It is never too late to try and you’ll thank yourself in a few years as your children start to rely on you less. This may mean signing up for an online class or two, attending a group event or asking a friend to join you. This will not only help with getting your feet wet in exploring your interests, but it’s a great way to socialize with other adults.
Lauren Smith Brody, founder of The Fifth Trimester consulting, has conducted hundreds of interviews with moms, and all of the mothers reported feeling guilty, regardless of employment status. Written for Today’s Parent, Lauren reminds us the importance of feeling valued.7 Remember who you are, in addition to being a mom.
7. Schedule Some Time to Relax
Rest and relaxation are an absolute must in dealing with mom guilt. Whether you are a working mom, stay-at-home mom or a mompreneur, unplugging from your obligations and taking the time to self-care and “fill your cup” is so important. That may mean planning an evening of pampering or a morning to sleep in. Doing things that will help you regularly recharge will help improve your overall performance in multiple areas of your life.
8. Remember: There Is No Guidebook
No one knows the rules to parenting. Sure, there are tons of books out there offering advice, but I encourage you to figure out what works for your family unit. Just like you have your own personality, your children do, too. What works for one family might be a complete disaster for yours. Be gentle with yourself and be creative in thinking through the best options for you and your children.
9. Practice Gratitude Often
As easy as it is to get caught up in life’s stressors and demands, take time to practice gratitude. When you practice gratitude regularly, your mindset begins to shift and you start to notice the little things that make it brighter. Right before bed, practice reflecting on three things that made you smile, even if it was just for a brief moment. Maybe it was something sweet that happened with your children, or something that you did for yourself, even if it feels “too small to mention.”
When starting to practice gratitude with my clients I am often met with an eye roll and some resistance, but trust me, it gets easier and begins to happen more naturally and those feelings of gratitude happen more automatically.
10. Take One Tantrum at a Time
One day, out of nowhere, it will be the last time your child will need your help to complete certain tasks. You really cannot predict when the last package of fruit snacks will be impatiently demanded to be opened, or the last time the bedtime story is read. For many, you will feel like you have time traveled into the future and lost all sense of time. You’ll be attending your child’s graduation and asking yourself, “where has the time gone?” So, mama, try and see the light. Only focus on one tantrum and meltdown at a time—even if they are back to back!
When & How to Seek Professional Help for Mom Guilt
When kept to yourself, mom guilt can feel very isolating and lead to even more mental health problems, so it’s important to seek help if you start feeling overwhelmed. Although it’s not technically a diagnosis, the heaviness and impact it can have on overall daily functioning is alarming.
Finding healthy supports, both peer and professional support groups, can be extremely validating. Talking to a therapist on a regular basis can help you build insight and teach you how to manage these feelings.
How to Find a Therapist
It is helpful to find a therapist that specializes in parenting concerns, as they are more likely to understand all the layers that are involved in dealing with guilt as a parent. To, an online directory of mental health professionals is a great place to start, as you can filter for specific concerns or specialties. You may also want a referral from a fellow mom, or your doctor may also be a great resource.
Additional Resources for Mom Guilt
For more information and support related to mom guilt, and parenting in general, check out these resources:
- Postpartum Support International: Mom Guilt
- The Motherhood Center
- Motherhood Understood
- Boston College Center for Work & Family: Includes many resources for fathers, moms, remote working, stress, and more
