How to Break a Trauma Bond: 13 Steps From a Therapist

What Is a Trauma Bond?

A trauma bond is an emotional connection that forms between people in an abusive or highly dysfunctional relationship. Often, these bonds occur from an abused person to their abuser. Trauma bonds are often defined by the 7 stages of trauma bonding which becomes a cycle of abuse followed by remorse, kindness, or affection from the abuser. The abuser may isolate the victim from friends and family, leaving them feeling more trapped in the relationship.

In a trauma bond relationship, the abused person often becomes dependent on the abuser for emotional support and other needs. They may minimize the abuse, hide the abuse from others, or rationalize the abuser’s behavior. The intense emotional bond and vicious cycle of affection, kindness, and abuse make it very difficult for the abused person to leave the relationship.

Why Do Trauma Bonds Happen?

One of the defining characteristics of a trauma bond is the inconsistent affection and care that can compel the abused person to stay in the relationship, hoping things will turn around. There is also an imbalance of power, in which the abuser may use manipulation, isolation, or violence to gain control over the abused person, causing them to feel that they have no choice but to stay.

How to Break a Trauma Bond

Breaking a trauma bond, just like leaving any abusive relationship, is challenging and often painful. Ending a trauma bond means acknowledging that the relationship is based on trauma, not healthy attachment. A mental health professional can help with leaving and healing from this type of relationship. It’s important for the abused person to set firm boundaries with the abuser, lean on their support system, and develop a safe exit plan.

Try our Trauma Worksheets as you recover from your trauma bond:

Free Trauma Worksheets

This collection of worksheets provides practical tools and strategies for managing trauma symptoms. Find the right one for you, or download the entire workbook here.

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Identifying Trauma Triggers Download

Self-Care for Trauma Download

Cognitive Restructuring Download

Setting SMART Goals Download

Personal Strengths Inventory Download

Setting Healthy Boundaries Download

Overcoming Shame Download

Here are 13 steps from a therapist to help you break a trauma bond:

1. Find Resources Around You

Support is essential when breaking a trauma bond. Many resources are available to help you heal from trauma and move forward, such as domestic violence shelters. Other local organizations give victims access to legal support, therapy, childcare, healthcare, employment support, educational services, and financial assistance. Your information is private and protected, as shelters understand that abusers often search for their escaped victims.

The following are helpful additional resources for anyone impacted by a cycle of abuse:

• US Dept. of Health and Human Services – Resources by State on Violence Against Women
• National Domestic Violence Hotline
• CDC: Support for People Experiencing Abuse

2. Communicate Your Needs Clearly & Assertively

Learning to set relationship boundaries allows you to communicate your needs clearly and assertively. Boundaries can look different for everyone and can include virtually anything. However, people may push back and test these limits, especially in trauma-bond relationships.

Remember, someone becoming angry or aggressive when you set boundaries can indicate a deeper issue. What starts as a conversation where you communicate your needs can become dangerous if your partner becomes violent. In these cases, create a safety plan to feel protected and prepared for worst-case scenarios.

3. Disengage & Retract From the Situation

While doing so may seem counterintuitive, disengaging and removing yourself from the situation can be pivotal, especially if the person is dangerous. Retracting can help mitigate the heightened emotions associated with a trauma bond.

4. Face Your Feelings

In dependent or trauma-bonded relationships, pushing your negative feelings aside to resolve conflicts and appease your partner can become normal. However, don’t try to run or avoid your feelings. Instead, focus on identifying them and taking steps to address them. Acknowledging your feelings shows you recognize and care about how the dynamics in your trauma bond impact your emotions and mood. Then, you can begin to move forward.

5. Validate Yourself

Validating yourself is an important step to building your self-confidence and resilience.¹ For example, develop positive self-talk by speaking to yourself with love and encouragement. This practice can work in the moment and as a long-term coping strategy. You can also adopt other ways to validate your emotions, such as a creative outlet or a social support system.

6. Talk to a Professional

Having a safe space to explore and uncover the deeper meaning behind relationship conflicts can be the first step toward recovery from a trauma bond. One way to find a therapist specializing in trauma bonds is by searching an online therapist directory. Reading reviews and looking at clinician bios to understand their scope of practice can give you an idea of whether their experience suits your situation. Many therapists offer a free phone consultation and virtual/teletherapy visits, both of which allow people an opportunity to get help during the pandemic.

Another way to locate a mental health professional is by a referral from a physician or trusted loved one. Healthcare providers often have access to a network of other providers, so going through these specialists is the best way to keep them in the loop about any treatment or trauma experienced.

7. Keep a Journal

Journaling allows you to identify, express, and process your feelings without judgment. You can pour your emotions onto a blank page and unload your fear, anxiety, or depression from your mind and heart. Journaling about trauma allows you to keep a record of your reactions and healing progress, reflect on the stages of trauma bonding, and find opportunities for emotional growth over time.

8. Take Time to Grieve What You Lost

Grief and loss are part of the human experience after breaking a trauma bond, and you must take time to process your emotions. Grieving the loss of a trauma-bonded relationship can lead to a more complicated experience of traumatic grief. However, allowing yourself to experience these emotions can give you a better perspective and the strength to address any negativity holding you back.

9. Put Your Energy Into a Passion Project

Putting energy into projects, causes, or activities you love can stimulate the release of oxytocin, a neurotransmitter associated with positive emotions–even if you don’t feel happy immediately. This strategy can also help you develop a stronger sense of identity, self-esteem, and self-worth.

10. Prioritize Yourself

Stay focused on yourself and your feelings when dealing with heavy situations and emotions. When in a trauma bond, survivors of abuse often set aside their feelings to comfort their partner. However, recognize that your feelings are just as important and prioritize them. If you feel overwhelmed or have difficulties prioritizing your needs, allow yourself some grace and patience.

11. Practice Yoga

Trauma-informed yoga combines the benefits of moving your body with mindfulness, guided meditations, and breathing techniques. The goal is to find internal and external balance. When finding equilibrium is at the center of your mind, processing stressful emotions becomes easier. Many guided yoga meditations, books, and assisted classes can help restore this missing balance.³

12. Don’t Blame Yourself

While feeling your emotions is important, you should not blame yourself for being in a trauma bond or having strong feelings toward your significant other. Let go of the negative self-talk and speak to yourself how you would a loved one who went through the same thing. Blaming yourself can leave you feeling more guilt and shame, which can set back your progress and perpetuate victim blaming in abusive situations.

13. Stop Thinking About What ‘Could Have Happened’

Thinking about what “could have happened” if you had done things differently in the relationship is normal. However, this mindset is counterintuitive when breaking a trauma bond.

Most victims of abusive relationships blame themselves for not leaving sooner or fighting back. While some would say that these options are always available, escape is not always possible when a victim of emotional or physical abuse.

Thinking about what you can do now when you have the power to take action is a more helpful, positive way to reframe negative thoughts. Although you cannot change your past, you can focus on living life with intention and spending time with people who care for your well-being.

What to Expect After Breaking a Trauma Bond

It’s normal to experience a wide range of emotions after leaving a trauma bond relationship. These might include sadness, anger, or grief mixed in with feelings of relief. Leaving a trauma bond can feel like withdrawing from a drug, causing intense longing for the abuser. A person breaking a trauma bond might also experience profound loneliness due to the isolation they faced during the relationship.

When someone breaks a trauma bond, they may experience symptoms of PTSD, including flashbacks, triggers, and nightmares. They might also experience an increase in depression or anxiety. It is crucial for individuals in this situation to heal from their abuse, receive support for any ongoing emotional and mental problems, and begin to reestablish their own identity.

Below are common emotional responses to breaking a trauma bond:

• Relief
• Guilt
• Sadness.
• Anger
• Craving the ended relationship
• Loneliness
• Isolation
• Shame
• Hope
• Confusion
• Anxiety
• Detachment

When to Seek Professional Help

If feelings of sadness, hopelessness or depression persist for more than a few weeks and start to interfere with a person’s ability to function in their daily life, it might be time to consult a mental health professional. Other signs that professional help may be needed include difficulty sleeping, changes to appetite, a loss of Interest in things that used to be fun or panic attacks.

Below are signs to consider seeking support after breaking a trauma bond:

• Ongoing sadness or depression
• Suicidal thoughts
• Withdrawal symptoms
• Isolation
• Changes to appetite of significant weight loss/ weight gain
• Inability to function in daily life
• Intrusive thoughts
• Panic attacks
• Increased use of alcohol or other substances