Having a new baby is a stressful experience. Sometimes the stress coupled with the changes in hormones, can lead to postpartum depression. How their partner responds to their stress and concerns can make all the difference in helping someone struggling with postpartum depression work through their experiences and recover.
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What Is Postpartum Depression?
Postpartum depression is a specific form of depression that happens following childbirth. For most people who experience the more milder form, often referred to as the “baby blues,” it will last for 2-3 weeks on average. However, the more severe forms, if left untreated, can last a couple years.
Postpartum depression occurs in about 15% of births.1 Following birth, the body undergoes many hormonal changes, and many researchers believe these changes contribute to the feelings of postpartum depression.2 Some people are more sensitive to these hormonal changes, leading to postpartum depression.1
What Does Postpartum Depression Look Like?
It is important to know what postpartum depression looks like in order to be supportive and understanding towards your wife or partner. Along with mood changes and depressive feelings, this form of depression can also bring with it disorganized, paranoid, or even harmful thoughts. Knowing what to look for will help you help your partner when she needs it most.
Common signs and symptoms of postpartum depression are:
- Mood changes: such as feeling extreme amounts of anger or frustration, or going from anger to sadness to happiness in short amounts of time.
- Depressive feelings: that present as an extremely low mood, inability to get out of bed or care for self, or even feelings or thoughts of wanting to just ignore or dismiss everything else around you.
- Extreme fatigue: which may look like falling asleep while feeding your baby, feeling too exhausted to do things other than caring for your baby’s most basic needs which results in neglecting many of one’s own needs.
- Harmful or scary thoughts: such as thoughts of wanting to harm yourself or your baby in some way.
- Paranoia: which can present as extreme worry or concern about someone harming the baby. This can seem irrational to outsiders, as it is more than the usual worries about caring for a new baby.
- Hopelessness: which can feel like things will never get better, like you will never not feel this way, or that you will never see a way out.
- Racing thoughts: such as having the same thoughts over and over, or feeling unable to calm down or slow your thoughts
- Insomnia: which can look like going days without sleep, or with only a couple hours of sleep a night. And while decreased sleep is normal during this time, insomnia can make it so even when the person has time and space to sleep, they still can not shut off their mind or calm their body enough to do so.
Why It Is Important to Know How to Help Your Wife With Postpartum Depression
When it comes to supporting a partner who is experiencing postpartum depression, what you do matters. In fact, research shows that how the partner responds matters significantly to the progress and outcome, as the husband’s involvement during pregnancy and childbirth helps improve the mother’s wellbeing.3
What Is Your Role When Your Wife Has PPD?
It can be difficult to know what exactly your role is when your wife has PPD. You might think that you should stay out of her way and just let the feelings pass, but this is not effective. Your role as husband is that of the supporter, which can look different depending on the personality of your wife but generally looks like someone who is encouraging, understanding, and empathetic.
How to Help Your Wife With Postpartum Depression
Along with being understanding and supportive, knowing some specific ways to help your partner while she is struggling can help improve the symptoms and longevity of her PPD.
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Here are eight ways you can help your wife with postpartum depression:
1. Ask Her How She Is Feeling
Asking her how she is feeling seems simple, but is actually one of the easiest things you can do to show support. Although you might think that asking her how she is doing will upset her or make it worse, it wont. Instead, asking shows that you are supportive and that you care.
2. Offer to Help Out in Specific Ways
Offering to help in specific ways is important. Rather than asking if your partner needs help, or saying “let me know what you need,” offering to help in specific ways will take the burden of decision making off of them. Removing the necessity of them having to ask for help is an important way to show support.
Here are a few specific ways to support your wife with postpartum depression:
- Take the baby with you when you run errands, so your wife can take a nap
- Hold the baby while your partner showers or eats
- Be the first to offer to change the baby when they soil their diaper
- Be the first to jump up out of bed or off the couch when the baby cries
- Clean up the kitchen or the baby’s room
- Do a load of laundry or two when you see it pile up
- Answer the phone or the door, and always take a message if your partner is busy
- Buy a pack of diapers, formula, etc whenever you are at the store without calling to see if you are running low. Having extra on hand is always helpful!
3. Listen
Listen to your partner talk or vent about her feelings, even if she repeats herself or if the things she is complaining about seem small or petty. Just listen and let her get the feelings out, and follow up with some reflective listening statements such as “that seems really difficult, I’m sorry,” or “I can see you are dealing with a lot.”
4. Be Available
If your partner has to come and find you, it adds to the stress they are already experiencing. Show that you are available by being receptive to phone calls while at work, or being present- without tv, cell phones, or other distractions- in the house while at home. Just being present will show that you are there.
5. Reassure Her Often
Take time to reassure her that she is a good mother and that she will get through this. When she is in the middle of a bad time, she might not think these things to be true, but her partner can show support by telling her.
6. Encourage Sleep
Allow her to sleep! Do not wake her up for people who call, stop by, or for anything else that you can handle while she is sleeping. Sleep is one of the most important things she can do to recover from birth and from depression.
7. Make Meals
Symptoms of depression, when at their worst, can make it so people do not have the energy to eat or prepare meals. Making an effort to prepare simple meals such as pasta, sandwiches, or soup can help so that she is able to fuel her body.
8. Organize Appointments
Following birth, there may be many different medical appointments to keep track of, and phone calls to return. Taking charge and handling these things will be a big relief as it will be less for your partner to have to be responsible for.
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What To Say & What Not to Say to Your Wife With Postpartum
It is good to know what to say and what not to say to a partner with PPD. Because she will undoubtedly be much more sensitive during this time, be ready for some pushback when you attempt to communicate. Try not to take it personally, and do not react negatively or defensively.
Here are a few examples of things to say to your wife with postpartum depression:
- It is okay and normal to make mistakes, you don’t have to do everything perfectly
- What you are going through is real and valid
- Many people go through this, you are not abnormal
- It is not your fault you are dealing with this
- You are a good mother/parent, even if you do not believe this
- It is okay to get support, you do not have to suffer alone
- I am proud of you
Here are a few examples of things not to say to your wife with postpartum depression:
- You’ll feel fine once you go back to work
- It’s not that bad
- Postpartum depression is really a myth
- It’s just normal baby blues
- Just think about happy things
- Women have been doing this for many years, you were made for this, you’ll be fine
When Should Your Wife Seek Medical Care for Postpartum Depression?
It is important to be aware of some of the signs that someone should seek medical care for PPD. If you suspect that your loved one may need medical care, it is important to contact your family doctor or OBGYN if they are available, a psychiatrist or therapist if they have one, or go straight to the emergency room at the hospital.
If you are unable to get a hold of any provider, do not wait for a call back. Call emergency or crisis services or go straight to the emergency room if concerned about your partner’s or the baby’s safety.
Signs that someone may need medical care for postpartum depression include:4
- Reporting suicidal thoughts or behaviors
- Seeming unable to care for self such as not bathing, eating, or sleeping
- Worried that someone or something is going to harm the baby, and acting in extreme ways to protect the baby such as hiding them, keeping lights off at all times, etc
- Saying that they are worried they might harm the baby- this is more than the normal concerns that all new parents have, but actual thoughts or worries that they will physically harm the infant
- Major changes in personality or mood, such as accusing others of doing things they are not doing
- Speech has become rapid or difficult to understand, such as speaking fast or words and sentences being jumbled together
- Abnormal thoughts such as delusions or hallucinations
Does Postpartum Depression Ever Require Emergency Care?
Unfortunately, there are times when PPD can require emergency care. If the person is reporting suicidal thoughts, emergency care should be taken right away by calling emergency services or going to the hospital or closest emergency room.
Some other signs that postpartum depression could require emergency care is if the person is acting bizarre or paranoid, as this could be a sign of postpartum psychosis.4 If they are not sleeping, claiming to be hearing or seeing things that others are not hearing or seeing, or reporting paranoid or delusional thoughts, seek support immediately.
The Importance of Also Taking Care of Your Mental Health
It is important to pay attention to and take care of your own mental health during this time. Even though much of your focus might be on helping your partner, it is essential to be mindful of your own experiences, as you can only help others effectively when you are doing okay yourself.
Validate your own stress and depression feelings during this time. Even if you were not the birthing partner, your feelings are still valid. Take time to practice self care when you can, and seek therapy for yourself if you feel you might need it.
How to Find Professional Support
It is important to help find professional help if your partner is struggling with PPD, or even if they are just feeling normal stresses or feeling overwhelmed with being a new parent. An online therapist directory or online therapy platform is a great place to start for finding a therapist who specializes in treatment for postpartum depression.
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Treatment options for postpartum depression include:
- Medication: Doctors will often prescribe medications for postpartum depression such as antidepressants. Some common medications include serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs) such as cymbalta, and selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) such as zoloft or celexa. Some prescribers will also prescribe benzodiazepines, a fast acting anti-anxiety medication often used for severe symptoms such as panic attacks or inability to sleep.
- Individual Psychotherapy: Individual therapy is a good choice for those experiencing postpartum depression who want to work on the symptoms and feelings that come up after having their baby. This is a great choice for people who want to work on individual traumas or feelings that come up during this time.
- Family or Couples Therapy: This is a great choice for people who have supportive relationships and/or families. In family or couples therapy, the client’s support system can learn how to best support their loved one as they recover from postpartum depression.
- Group Therapy: Being able to talk about one’s experiences in a judgment free and empathetic group can be very healing for those who suffer with postpartum depression.
- Hormone Therapy: For some, hormone therapy is an option for postpartum depression treatment. Hormone therapy is usually only suggested after therapy and other medications are found to be unsuccessful, or if the person’s hormone levels are out of normal range.5
In My Experience
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For Further Reading
- Male Postpartum Depression: Signs, Causes, & Treatments
- Hers Mental Health Review: Cost, Pros & Cons, & Who It’s Right For
- Helpful Books for New Moms
- How to Talk About a Loved One’s Depression
- Ways to Cope with Postpartum Depression
- How to Prevent Burnout as a New Mom
- Postpartum Support International
- Postpartum Health Alliance
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