17 Tips for How to Help Your Wife With Postpartum Depression

17 Tips for Helping Your Wife With Postpartum Depression

It can be difficult to know what exactly your role is when your wife has postpartum depression. You might think that you should stay out of her way and just let the feelings pass, but this is not effective. When it comes to supporting a partner who is experiencing postpartum depression, what you do matters. In fact, research shows that how the partner responds significantly impacts how quickly a woman recovers.¹

Here are seventeen ways you can help your wife with postpartum depression:

1. Help Her Recognize the Changes You’re Seeing

When your wife is struggling with postpartum depression, it can be difficult for her to notice or identify daily changes in her functioning. Approach your wife without judgment and let her know what you’ve been noticing in her emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. As her partner, you are one of the most knowledgeable people about her overall functioning. If something feels off for you, it likely feels off to her, too.

2. Encourage Her to Talk to Her Doctor About Her Symptoms

Your wife and new baby will be going to the doctor consistently for the first several months after birth. Any of these appointments would be an ideal time for your wife to bring up any concerns or issues she may be experiencing, including postpartum depression symptoms. Helping your wife advocate for herself can lead to her feeling empowered and in control at a time when she doesn’t feel like herself.

3. Let Her Know It’s Not Her Fault

Postpartum depression often comes with feelings of guilt and shame for feeling anything other than overjoyed with a new baby. Normalize and validate your wife’s feelings and remind her that her experience is not her fault or her choice. Being a nonjudgmental ally can be incredibly supportive and healing for someone experiencing postpartum depression.

4. Ask Her How She Is Feeling

Asking her how she is feeling seems simple, but it is actually one of the easiest things you can do to show support. Although you might think that asking her how she is doing will upset her or make it worse, it won’t. Instead, asking shows that you are supportive and that you care.

5. Offer to Help Out in Specific Ways

Offering to help in specific ways is important. Rather than asking if your partner needs help or saying, “Let me know what you need,” offering to help in specific ways will take the burden of decision-making off of them. Removing the necessity of them having to ask for help is an important way to show support.

Here are a few specific ways to support your wife with postpartum depression:

• Take the baby with you when you run errands so your wife can take a nap
• Hold the baby while your partner showers or eats
• Be the first to offer to change the baby when they soil their diaper
• Be the first to jump up out of bed or off the couch when the baby cries
• Clean up the kitchen or the baby’s room
• Do a load of laundry or two when you see it pile up
• Answer the phone or the door, and always take a message if your partner is busy
• Buy a pack of diapers, formula, etc, whenever you are at the store without calling to see if you are running low. Having extra on hand is always helpful!

6. Listen Actively & Don’t Try to Solve Her Negative Feelings

Listen to your partner talk or vent about her feelings, even if she repeats herself or if the things she complains about seem small or petty. Just listen and let her get the feelings out, and follow up with reflective listening statements such as “That seems really difficult, I’m sorry,” or “I can see you are dealing with a lot.”

7. Be Available & Present

If your partner has to come and find you, it adds to the stress they are already experiencing. Show that you are available by being receptive to phone calls while at work or being present- without TV, cell phones, or other distractions- in the house while at home. Just being present will show that you are there.

8. Reassure Her Often

Take time to reassure her that she is a good mother and that she will get through this. When she is in the middle of a bad time, she might not think these things to be true, but her partner can show support by telling her.

9. Let Her Get Uninterrupted Sleep

Allow her to sleep! Do not wake her up for people who call, stop by, or for anything else that you can handle while she is sleeping. Sleep is one of the most important things she can do to recover from birth and from depression.

10. Make Meals

Symptoms of postpartum depression, when at their worst, can make it so people do not have the energy to eat or prepare meals. Making an effort to prepare simple meals such as pasta, sandwiches, or soup can help so that she is able to fuel her body.

11. Organize Appointments

Following birth, there may be many different medical appointments to keep track of and phone calls to return. Taking charge and handling these things will be a big relief as it will be less for your partner to have to be responsible for.

12. Help With Baby Feeding Times if You Can

Feeding a new baby is often a responsibility placed on the mother, even if they are not breastfeeding. This can feel like a full-time job and can cause a lot of stress on the mother. Ask if there is anything you can do to help her with feeding the baby and do your best to follow through on any suggestions or requests she makes. Having you as a helping hand during these times can reduce the mental load of being a new mother and improve her mood.

13. Don’t Judge Her Parenting & Praise What She’s Doing Well

When someone is experiencing postpartum depression, they are often dealing with negative self-talk and increased self-criticism. Providing praise, or positive reinforcement, for what you’re noticing going well can drastically improve the mother’s view of herself as a person and a parent. Refrain from judging the decisions she makes and offer supportive and constructive suggestions or help if you feel something needs to change.

14. Set Healthy Boundaries With Family & Friends

Taking the lead in setting boundaries with parents, siblings, other relatives, and friends can greatly reduce the stress load for your partner experiencing postpartum depression. Have conversations openly and frequently to discuss what kind of social interaction she needs and can manage. Even if a family member or friend is offering help, make sure your wife feels comfortable with what is being suggested, and don’t be afraid to say no.

15. Call From Work to Check In Regularly

If you return to work while your partner is home with the baby, have a discussion about how often she would like or need you to check in during the day. She may need more support than you would assume, and providing that adult, human contact can make a big difference in her experience of motherhood.

16. Help Find Childcare or a Postpartum Doula

Offer to help your partner search for appropriate childcare, whether that’s inside or outside of the home. Finding the right caregiver can be a long and arduous process that can cause a great deal of distress. If your partner is experiencing postpartum depression, they will likely feel physically and mentally fatigued, making this process even harder. Helping or leading the search can take one more thing off her plate and improve her mood.

17. Help Her Get Uninterrupted Alone Time

Encourage your wife to take breaks from the baby when she can. Having alone time without hearing or seeing the baby, especially if they are in distress, can greatly improve her mental health. Suggest a solo trip out of the house to do something enjoyable so her time alone is uninterrupted. Having time alone will help your partner feel more like themselves and hopefully encourage more alone time in the future.

What to Say & What Not to Say to Your Wife With Postpartum Depression

It is good to know what to say and what not to say to a partner with postpartum depression. Because she will undoubtedly be much more sensitive during this time, be ready for some pushback when you attempt to communicate. Try not to take it personally, and do not react negatively or defensively.

Here are a few examples of things to say to your wife with postpartum depression:

• “It is okay and normal to make mistakes; you don’t have to do everything perfectly.”
• “What you are going through is real and valid.”
• “Many people go through this; you are not abnormal.”
• “It is not your fault you are dealing with this.”
• “You are a good mother, even if you do not believe this.”
• “It is okay to get support; you do not have to suffer alone.”
• “I am proud of you.”

Here are a few examples of things not to say to your wife with postpartum depression:

• “You’ll feel fine once you go back to work.”
• “It’s not that bad.”
• “It’s just normal baby blues.”
• “Just think about happy things.”
• “Women have been doing this since the beginning of time; you’ll be fine.”

When Should Your Wife Seek Medical Care for Postpartum Depression?

It is important to be aware of some of the signs that someone should seek medical care for postpartum depression. If you suspect that your loved one may need medical care, it is important to contact your family doctor or OBGYN if they are available, a psychiatrist or therapist if they have one, or go straight to the emergency room at the hospital.

If you are unable to reach any provider, do not wait for a callback. If you are concerned about your partner’s or the baby’s safety, call emergency or crisis services or go straight to the emergency room.

Signs that someone may need medical care for postpartum depression include:²

• Reporting suicidal thoughts or behaviors
• Seeming unable to care for oneself, such as not bathing, eating, or sleeping
• Worried that someone or something is going to harm the baby, and acting in extreme ways to protect the baby such as hiding them, keeping lights off at all times, etc
• Saying that they are worried they might harm the baby- this is more than the normal concerns that all new parents have, but actual thoughts or worries that they will physically harm the infant
• Major changes in personality or mood, such as accusing others of doing things they are not doing
• Speech has become rapid or difficult to understand, such as speaking fast or words and sentences being jumbled together
• Abnormal thoughts such as delusions or hallucinations

Does Postpartum Depression Ever Require Emergency Care?

Unfortunately, there are times when postpartum depression can require emergency care. If the person is reporting suicidal thoughts, emergency care should be taken right away by calling emergency services or going to the hospital or the closest emergency room.

Some other signs that postpartum depression could require emergency care is if the person is acting bizarre or paranoid, as this could be a sign of postpartum psychosis.² If they are not sleeping, claiming to be hearing or seeing things that others are not hearing or seeing, or reporting paranoid or delusional thoughts, seek support immediately.

How to Find Professional Support

If your wife is struggling with postpartum depression, it is important to find professional help as quickly as possible. There are many different online therapy services that make finding a therapist easy and affordable. PlushCare is a particularly great option because they offers same-day appointments for mothers who are displaying severe symptoms. If your wife wants to explore medication options, Brightside Health is an online psychiatry service that has a unique crisis case management program

Treatment Options for Postpartum Depression

There are many effective treatment options for postpartum depression available. It’s crucial to seek help from a healthcare provider who specializes in postpartum treatment to ensure you receive the most appropriate care and support.

Treatment options for postpartum depression include:

• Medication: Doctors will often prescribe medications for postpartum depression, such as antidepressants. Some common medications include SNRIs such as Cymbalta and SSRIs such as Zoloft or Celexa. Some prescribers will also prescribe benzodiazepines, a fast-acting anti-anxiety medication often used for severe symptoms such as panic attacks or inability to sleep.
• Individual therapy: Individual therapy is a good choice for those experiencing postpartum depression who want to work on the symptoms and feelings that come up after having their baby. This is a great choice for people who want to work on individual traumas or feelings that come up during this time.
• Family or couples therapy: This is a great choice for people who have supportive relationships and/or families. In family or couples therapy, the client’s support system can learn how to best support their loved one as they recover from postpartum depression.
• Hormone therapy: For some, hormone therapy is an option for postpartum depression treatment. Hormone therapy is usually only suggested after therapy and other medications are found to be unsuccessful or if the person’s hormone levels are out of normal range.³

The Importance of Also Taking Care of Your Mental Health

It is important to pay attention to and take care of your own mental health during this time. Even though much of your focus might be on helping your partner, it is essential to be mindful of your own experiences, as you can only help others effectively when you are doing okay yourself. Services such as Talkspace or BetterHelp can match you with an individual therapist.

Validate your own stress and depression feelings during this time. Even if you were not the birthing partner, your feelings are still valid. Take time to practice self-care when you can, and seek therapy for yourself if you feel you might need it.