How to Leave a Cheating Husband You Love: 6 Tips from a Therapist

Should You Leave a Cheating Husband?

Not every person who discovers their spouse has cheated wants or needs to leave their spouse, but many do. Many find that infidelity is an absolute game changer. If they discover that their partner has been unfaithful, as far as they are concerned, the relationship is over. They feel so betrayed that they simply cannot get over it. It has permanently affected their feelings for their partner and the relationship in general.

Others find that, with time, they are able to regain trust in their partner and move forward in the relationship. It is completely up to each individual to make the difficult decision whether they stay in the relationship or end it.

Your decision may depend on whether you suspect your partner has cheated one time or is a serial cheater. If he is a serial cheater, the phrase “once a cheater always a cheater” may be accurate for him and the chances are strong that he will never change.

How to Leave a Cheater After Infidelity

If your husband promises he will never cheat again, and you believe him, your decision may be based on whether or not you believe you can forgive him. If you know yourself well enough to know that you aren’t going to be able to move past the betrayal, even though you still love your husband and even though you believe it was a one-time event, you need to trust your instincts and end the relationship.

Unfortunately for many, once infidelity has become part of the relationship, it is very difficult to move forward without anger and resentment continuing to pollute the relationship. And once someone has cheated, it is difficult to not live in fear that it will happen again. This fear will naturally inhibit you from letting your guard down and opening your heart to your partner.

Here are six tips for leaving a cheating husband after infidelity occurs:

1. Keep a Journal

Because the decision to give your partner another chance or end the relationship is such a difficult one, journaling for your mental health can help you gain some clarity. And because you may be too embarrassed to talk about the situation with friends or family, writing down all your concerns, fears and other feelings can feel like talking to a good friend. Also, expressing your emotions can be a good way to process the experience.

Another benefit of journaling is that you can have a record of the feelings you experienced due to the lying and betrayal, as well as any evidence you discovered. Reading what you have written can help you when you are feeling confused or weak.

Below are some journaling prompts to help you get started:

• How do you feel about your partner right now?
• Are you overwhelmed with anger? If so, what aspect of infidelity makes you the most angry?
• Do you feel betrayed by your partner? If so, write about why the infidelity feels like such a betrayal.
• What do you wish you could say to your partner right now?
• Do you believe you can ever forgive your partner?
• Do you feel you can ever trust your partner again?

2. Create a Safety Plan

Just as victims of domestic violence are advised to prepare for their exit by creating a safety plan, often those who are planning on getting a divorce or ending a romantic partnership with a cheater can benefit from such a plan as well.

The following advice will guide you through the process of creating a safety plan:

• Don’t be naïve: If your partner was willing to cheat on you, you don’t know what else they are able/willing to do. This includes hiding money from you, asking for full custody of your children, even asking for alimony.
• Don’t tip your hand: Don’t give your partner a chance to hide the evidence, screw you over financially, or contact the most aggressive attorney in town before you have a chance to hire them. Even if your partner is extremely remorseful and is begging for another chance, follow through with your decision to divorce. If you change your mind later on, you can always withdraw your petition.
• Gather your evidence: This includes any proof you have of the infidelity (including credit card receipts for hotel and restaurant charges) and financial records. Also, make copies of the deeds to your home, your children’s birth certificates, etc.
• Find a good family law attorney: Make sure they specialize in family law (look online to find the top professionals in your area). While hiring a lawyer is expensive, ask how you can make it more affordable (e.g. doing some of the work yourself such as copying and research).
• Move the money: Move half of all cash and liquid assets into your own account that only you can access. Cut off all credit cards you have in common.
• Hire a forensic accountant: if you suspect your partner is hiding money.
• Go no contact: Do not contact your partner if you have fears that your partner could become violent. If you have been in couple’s counseling, that is a good place to have your partner served. If your partner has become violent or has threatened violence, don’t be afraid to seek the services of a domestic violence hotline. Don’t talk to your partner unless it is about kids or finances and preferably do all this communication by email so it can be documented. Don’t continue to tell your partner about how much he or she hurt you. Save any such sharing for couples counseling.
• Stay on course: Even though you may doubt that you are doing the right thing, trust that you have made the right decision. Even if your husband says that he is sorry and promises they will never cheat again, follow through with the divorce or separation. Only time will tell if he is capable of real change. In the meantime, you need to protect yourself, your children and your heart. If you begin to waiver, read over your journal entries and look at your evidence again.

3. Allow Yourself Time to Grieve

You’ll need time to grieve, to recover from the wounds of being betrayed, and time to discover who you are outside your relationship. Some believe there are several stages of grief after divorce to work through. Resist jumping right into a new relationship due to your fear of being alone. Those who take the time to heal and to rediscover themselves are much less likely to enter another negative relationship.

4. Surround Yourself With Support

Even though it can be incredibly embarrassing to tell your friends and family why you are seeking a divorce, you need all the support you can get. If you don’t want advice or opinions as to whether you should forgive your husband or not, tell your friends and loved ones you just want them to listen to you and offer support and comfort. You can also try to find an online support group for those who have been cheated on or for newly separated people. And this might be the time to find a psychotherapist if you don’t already have one. 

5. Find Ways to Reconnect With Your Old Self

Many people tend to lose themselves in their romantic relationships, especially women. This includes losing touch with friends, giving up hobbies and sports, dropping out of classes, and not focusing enough on yourself. Now is the time to re engage with friends and hobbies and begin to focus on your own needs.

6. Connect or Reconnect With Your Emotions

Begin to pay attention to what emotions you are feeling at any given time. For example, ask yourself whether you are feeling angry, sad, afraid or ashamed. Then if you discover you are feeling angry, for example, ask yourself, “What do I need?” Or “What do I need to take care of myself?” A positive, healthy response would be, “Find a healthy way to release my anger,” versus something like, “Go flatten his tires.”

If you find that you are feeling sad, ask yourself what you need. “I need to let myself cry,” or, “I need to comfort myself by putting my hand on my heart and saying, I’m so sorry you are hurting” are positive responses versus “I need some ice cream.”

When to Seek Professional Support

If you find that you are unable to get over the betrayal, even after many months’ time, it would be a good choice to begin seeing a psychotherapist. Betrayals such as infidelity can leave a woman feeling insecure and inadequate, questioning why her spouse would cheat on her, asking herself if she caused the infidelity because she wasn’t sexy enough, because she didn’t have enough sex with her husband, or whether she pushed him away in some way.

Cheating husbands are often good at placing the blame on their wives in order to avoid taking responsibility, in order to ease their guilty conscience or to make themselves look good to the outside world, and this can further lower a woman’s self-esteem.  But women need to be reminded that they are not responsible for their husband’s cheating and a good therapist can help her understand this.

In addition, a woman who has been cheated on will likely be extremely angry and a good therapist can help her find healthy ways to release this anger instead of turning it on herself or being unable to let go of it.

In My Experience

I have worked with those who have chosen to stay together after an infidelity and those who have ended their relationship. What I have found with those who chose to stay in the relationship is that rebuilding trust and forgiving someone for cheating are both tall orders. It takes time to rebuild trust and it can try the patience of both partners when they realize that the trust is just not there. Partners who have been cheated on will tend to become impatient with themselves thinking they should be past it by now, and the unfaithful partner may begin to feel they are constantly being punished for the past and that they are not being given a chance to prove themselves.

Those who choose to end the relationship will often second-guess themselves, wondering whether they made the right decision. Many will suffer from guilt and remorse when their children express anger at them for leaving their father or if their children go through a period of depression due to the breaking up of the family. Therapy can help with all of this.