Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater: Is It True?

Is It True That Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?

Although many people believe in the adage, “Once a cheater, always a cheater,” it is not necessarily true. Not every person who cheats once will cheat again. However, serial cheaters are people who seek out sexual partners on a continual, chronic pattern of infidelity.

Typically, these are people in committed, monogamous relationships who continue to purposefully seek extramarital romantic and/or sexual relationships. Despite the repetitive cheating, serial cheaters rarely suffer from feelings of remorse or guilt, because they often don’t look at cheating as a mistake.

Some examples of cheating in relationships include:

• Physical or sexual affairs
• Emotional affairs
• Micro cheating
• Online infidelity
• Sexting as infidelity
• Revenge cheating

Who Is Likely to Be a Serial Cheater?

Research indicates that over 25% of married men and 20% of married women engage in extramarital sex over the course of their relationships.¹ Additionally, people who experienced one or both parents cheating during their childhood were more likely to cheat themselves. Further, when a person cheated in their first relationship, they were three times as likely to cheat again and continually justify their behavior.²

People who have personality disorders, avoidant attachment style, struggle with commitment issues, intimacy, or with healing from childhood trauma may be more inclined to cheat. People who cheat have also identified that self-esteem, anger, desire for exploration and variety, neglect, and opportunity also contributed to infidelity.³

Some red flags for serial infidelity include:

• Narcissistic tendencies: Someone who has narcissistic personality disorder is selfish, shows little empathy towards others, and seeks flattery and attention. They are self-absorbed and don’t feel guilt or shame after cheating, because they feel their partner doesn’t treat them the way they should, or that their partner does not fill their narcissistic supply.
• They have a history of cheating: They have cheated in the past and talk about it openly, often without remorse. They might also gloat about it or offer excuses, but tell you that you are different and they will not cheat on you, sometimes as a way of love bombing.
• They exhibit flirty behavior: They engage in obnoxious, flirty behavior that makes you feel embarrassed. Often, they may flirt with others right in front of you despite you asking them not to or sharing how uncomfortable it makes you feel.
• They guard their technology: They are overly protective of their computer, phone, and all passwords. They get offended when you ask for information. They may also exhibit defensiveness, stonewalling, and/or gaslighting when confronted about this. The irony is that technology is often the way they get caught because they get sloppy. However, when this happens, they will use this as an opportunity to accuse you of snooping or prying, making you the problem.
• They accuse you of cheating: A person who is cheating will often accuse their partner of cheating as a form of projection (truly believing their partner is cheating) or a way to distract them from reality. The innocent partner often finds themselves defending what they are doing to try and convince their partner they are not cheating.
• They speak negatively of ex-partners: They will often call their previous partners “crazy” and turn against them. They may claim that the relationship fell apart entirely due to their ex-partner, and that they did “everything they could” to make it work.
• They cannot accept responsibility: In essence, nothing is ever their fault. They use manipulation tactics to avoid taking responsibility and shift the blame for their bad behavior on their partner or another person. When confronted, they will often project onto, distract, or blame their partner and act as though they have done nothing wrong.
• They cannot be alone: At their core, they may be full of insecurity and seek out multiple hookups or partners to boost their self-esteem and confidence. This also leads to having difficulty being and functioning on their own. They look to others for validation–extrinsic validation–because they are unable to validate themselves.

9 Reasons for Serial Infidelity

People who continuously and repeatedly commit infidelity or even identify with the phrase  “once a cheater, always a cheater” often have different views than most people about infidelity. They struggle with attachment issues, trauma, intimacy, commitment issues, codependency, and boredom.

Nine reasons people may relate to “once a cheater, always a cheater” are:

1. Boredom

Relationships experience highs and lows, which people often become accustomed to over time. For example, it’s natural for a relationship to go through the “honeymoon phase” initially and gradually start to feel normal, routine, and stable. This can feel boring to some and lead a person to stray. This is often due to a lack of communication in relationships, attention, effort, and intent.

2. Codependency

Through the ups and downs of a relationship, there should also be a fairly equal give-and-take. If someone has more of a need for affirmation and attention, or shows other signs of a codependent relationship, they might be more likely to cheat, as they may be likelier to seek external validation during times of tension and relationship conflict.

3. Childhood Trauma

Most of us have childhood issues, but we have an obligation to be mindful of how they affect our present and future relationships. Someone who is a serial cheater often has unresolved childhood trauma stemming from factors like parental abuse, unhealthy attachments, unrealistic relationship expectations, and/or divorce. These may continue to affect how they view relationships, causing them to continue to cheat. 

4. Commitment Issues

They have a fear around commitment and how that makes them feel: trapped. For example, when a relationship starts to become more serious and the honeymoon period is ending, they tend to become anxious, check out, and either end the relationship or stray physically, mentally, and emotionally as a way of avoiding coping with their fear. However, just because a person is married–or “committed”–on paper doesn’t mean they are faithful.

5. Lack of Emotional Connection

Some people may stop devoting attention, intention, and energy to nurture their long-term relationship, which can often lead to a lack of emotional connection, attraction, and intimacy. However, you cannot just put your relationship on autopilot and “set it and forget it.” Yes, there are rough patches in life, but by making a habit of nurturing your connection, you will grow together.

6. Difficulty Controlling Impulses

People who have a hard time with impulse control will find or put themselves in situations where they experience a rush of adrenaline. They love the attention and excitement this brings and may use those opportunities to cheat, as it’s something new and different. They might be impulsive in other areas of their life and engage in self-destructive behaviors, such as thrill-seeking adventures, shoplifting, and substance use. Sometimes, impulse control can be indicative of deeper mental health conditions, such as ADHD, impulsive borderline personality disorder, and bipolar disorder manic episodes.

7. Intimacy Issues

People who struggle with intimacy issues in relationships often have a fear of intimacy, vulnerability, and fear of rejection. Some of them might be able to have “sex,” but the vulnerability, openness, and closeness that comes with being truly intimate is uncomfortable for them, so they avoid it. For some it is easier to go out and have sex with strangers, without the intimacy.

8. Lack of Sexual Connection

Maintaining a healthy sexual connection is key in relationships, but many people get comfortable, busy, lazy, or put it on auto pilot. Once couples learn what turns their partner on, it’s easy to get complacent. But this is the moment that couples shouldn’t. Sex takes motivation and initiative. People–and desires–change over time, so it is important that you continue communicating and exploring this with your partner.

9. Strong Sex Drive

A person may cheat because their sex drive is stronger than their partner’s; thus, they may feel entitled to do so if their sexual needs are not be met. In more extreme cases, this can be a symptom of sex addiction, which can pose a serious problem that needs to be addressed sooner rather than later.

When to Break Up

Each time a person experiences another infidelity, and asks themselves “why do I always get cheated on?”  it triggers a trauma response. Generally, people should break up if the relationship becomes toxic or abusive, but each person’s threshold for what is and is not considered a relationship-ending offense may vary. If you’re not sure when or how to break up with someone, there may not be a right time or way, but there are ways to make the process easier.

Some tips for breaking up with someone include:

• Incorporate healthy communication
• Express how you feel using ‘I’ statements
• Be honest about where you are and why you want to break up
• Open up about the impact the repeated cheating has had on you
• Stay focused on the issue at hand–this is not a time to rehash every detail or excuse

How to Recover from Serial Infidelity & Make Sure It Never Happens Again

Infidelity can lead to serious consequences, including infidelity PTSD, relationship anxiety, depression, and relationship OCD. Despite the negative impacts being in a relationship with a serial cheater may have on you, there are ways to practice self-care so you can recover, heal, and make sure to avoid it in the future.

Whether you choose to work through this together or break up, below are several suggestions to move forward after infidelity:

• Seek self-awareness: Self-awareness is important, whether you are in a relationship or not. Couples should improve their relational self-awareness, or become more aware of the changes that need to be made, both individually and collectively. Awareness is always the first step in making any changes and healing.
• Have a growth mindset: Many people will and often do look at themselves as victims, but adopting a survivor mentality can provide mental health benefits, such as feelings of emotional strength, resilience, and improved self-esteem. You are strong. Look for the life lessons, the silver linings. Shift the focus from what they did to you to what you can do for yourself.
• Communicate: During challenging times, it is important that you stay respectful and maintain  healthy communication skills. Giving and receiving good communication is part of the healing process and takes effort from both parties. Examples include using  ‘I’ statements, being honest, and expressing how the cheating has affected the hurt party are just part of the healing process.
• Develop a plan to heal: Your plan to heal may look different, depending on your decision to either stay in or leave the relationship after infidelity. If you are choosing to heal yourself and your relationship, it is important that you identify the reasons why your partner cheated and whether you can work towards forgiveness. This is a significant, difficult step that has its own timeline.
• Have patience: Recovery from serial infidelity is a practice in patience. There is no “right” way to work on recovering, just your way. Every situation is different, and every person may respond differently to infidelity, but being patient with your partner and/or yourself is crucial during the process.
• Journal: Journaling can benefit your mental health by providing a great outlet for emotional processing. Start a journal during times of emotional turmoil, especially in a relationship. Months and years from now, you will look back and realize how much you have changed and grown despite all the adversity.
• Focus on yourself: There are many healthy ways to focus on yourself, from starting new hobbies, practicing emotional self-care, connecting with family and friends, learning to be alone, reading, volunteering–anything that brings you joy and allows you to focus on and prioritize yourself and what you feel is in your best interest.
• Set healthy boundaries: Learning how to set boundaries in relationships is an important way of making sure your relationship remains healthy. Often, boundaries are a way of putting yourself and your needs first. Learn to say yes and no in a relationship when you want to, and not out of obligation.
• Seek professional help: Working with a professional who has experience in this area, whether that is a marriage or relationship counselor, individual therapist, or support group, will help both of you move through the process of recovery in healthy ways. They can provide a safe, non-judgmental, emotionally open space to talk through the events, your feelings, and the changes you and/or your partner need to make.

How a Therapist Can Help You

Seeking professional help from a discernment counselor or a couples counselor can help you recover and heal after infidelity, whether you decide to stay together or part ways. Depending on your situation, they can help guide you in your decision to determine if the marriage or relationship is salvageable, find ways to save it, and navigate recovery in a safe space.

From an individual perspective, therapy can also help you work through the fallout of losing trust in your partner, as this might have triggered deeper insecurities, body image, infidelity and relationship PTSD, low self-esteem, and anxiety. Therapy can give you a place to work through all your thoughts and feelings. You can consider finding a therapist using an online therapist directory that allows you to filter by insurance, specialty, location, and more.

Final Thoughts

While there are certain types of people–serial cheaters–who continue to cheat while in monogamous relationships, not everyone who is unfaithful will continue to cheat. There are several red flags of serial cheating to look out for. If you are unsure of what to do after your partner cheats, there are multiple steps you can take to figure out if your relationship can be salvaged. Ultimately, remember that this is your decision.