Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater: Is It True?

Is It True That Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?

Not necessarily. While some individuals continue to cheat due to personality traits or unresolved issues, others can change with genuine effort and therapy. Not every person who cheats once will cheat again. However, serial cheaters are people who seek out sexual partners on a continual, chronic pattern of infidelity.

Typically, these are people in committed, monogamous relationships who continue to purposefully seek extramarital romantic and/or sexual relationships. Despite the repetitive cheating, serial cheaters rarely suffer from feelings of remorse or guilt, because they often don’t look at cheating as a mistake.

Some examples of cheating in relationships include:

• Physical or sexual affairs
• Emotional affairs
• Micro cheating
• Online infidelity
• Sexting 
• Revenge cheating

9 Reasons for Serial Cheating

People who continuously and repeatedly commit infidelity or even identify with the phrase  “once a cheater, always a cheater” often have different views than most people about infidelity. They struggle with attachment issues, trauma, intimacy, commitment issues, codependency, and boredom.

Nine reasons people may relate to “once a cheater, always a cheater” are:

1. Boredom

Relationships experience highs and lows, which people often become accustomed to over time. For example, it’s natural for a relationship to go through the “honeymoon phase” initially and gradually start to feel normal, routine, and stable. This can feel boring to some and lead a person to stray. This is often due to a lack of communication in relationships, attention, effort, and intent.

2. Codependency

Through the ups and downs of a relationship, there should also be a fairly equal give-and-take. If someone has more of a need for affirmation and attention, or shows other signs of a codependent relationship, they might be more likely to cheat, as they may be likelier to seek external validation during times of tension and relationship conflict.

3. Childhood Trauma

Most of us have childhood issues, but we have an obligation to be mindful of how they affect our present and future relationships. Someone who is a serial cheater often has unresolved childhood trauma stemming from factors like parental abuse, unhealthy attachments, unrealistic relationship expectations, and/or divorce. These may continue to affect how they view relationships, causing them to continue to cheat. 

4. Commitment Issues

They have a fear around commitment and how that makes them feel: trapped. For example, when a relationship starts to become more serious and the honeymoon period is ending, they tend to become anxious, check out, and either end the relationship or stray physically, mentally, and emotionally as a way of avoiding coping with their fear. However, just because a person is married–or “committed” on paper- doesn’t mean they are faithful.

5. Lack of Emotional Connection

Some people may stop devoting attention, intention, and energy to nurture their long-term relationship, which can often lead to a lack of emotional connection, attraction, and intimacy. However, you cannot just put your relationship on autopilot and “set it and forget it.” Yes, there are rough patches in life, but by making a habit of nurturing your connection, you will grow together.

6. Difficulty Controlling Impulses

People who have a hard time with impulse control will find or put themselves in situations where they experience a rush of adrenaline. They love the attention and excitement this brings and may use those opportunities to cheat, as it’s something new and different. They might be impulsive in other areas of their life and engage in self-destructive behaviors, such as thrill-seeking adventures, shoplifting, and substance use. Sometimes, impulse control can be indicative of deeper mental health conditions, such as ADHD, impulsive borderline personality disorder, and bipolar disorder manic episodes.

7. Intimacy Issues

People who struggle with intimacy issues in relationships often have a fear of intimacy, vulnerability, and fear of rejection. Some of them might be able to have “sex,” but the vulnerability, openness, and closeness that comes with being truly intimate is uncomfortable for them, so they avoid it. For some it is easier to go out and have sex with strangers, without the intimacy.

8. Lack of Sexual Connection

Maintaining a healthy sexual connection is key in relationships, but many people get comfortable, busy, lazy, or put it on autopilot. Once couples learn what turns their partner on, it’s easy to get complacent. But this is the moment that couples shouldn’t. Sex takes motivation and initiative. People–and desires–change over time, so it is important that you continue communicating and exploring this with your partner.

9. Strong Sex Drive

A person may cheat because their sex drive is stronger than their partner’s; thus, they may feel entitled to do so if their sexual needs are not met. In more extreme cases, this can be a symptom of sex addiction, which can pose a serious problem that needs to be addressed sooner rather than later.

When to Break Up

Each time a person experiences another infidelity and wonders why they always get cheated on it triggers a trauma response. Generally, people should break up if the relationship becomes toxic or abusive, but each person’s threshold for what is and is not considered a relationship-ending offense may vary. If you’re not sure when or how to break up with someone, there are ways to make the process easier.

Some tips for breaking up with someone include:

• Incorporate healthy communication
• Express how you feel using ‘I’ statements
• Be honest about where you are and why you want to break up
• Open up about the impact the repeated cheating has had on you
• Stay focused on the issue at hand–this is not a time to rehash every detail or excuse

How to Recover from Serial Infidelity & Make Sure It Never Happens Again

Recovering from serial infidelity can be a difficult journey, often leading to emotional challenges like infidelity PTSD, relationship anxiety, depression, and obsessive thoughts about the relationship. However, with the right self-care and healing strategies, it’s possible to rebuild your sense of self and protect yourself from repeating these patterns in the future.

Below are several suggestions to move forward after infidelity:

• Seek self-awareness: Self-awareness is important, whether you are in a relationship or not. Couples should improve their relational self-awareness, or become more aware of the changes that need to be made, both individually and collectively. Awareness is always the first step in making any changes and healing.
• Have a growth mindset: Many people will look at themselves as victims, but adopting a survivor mentality can provide mental health benefits, such as feelings of emotional strength, resilience, and improved self-esteem. You are strong. Look for the life lessons, the silver linings. Shift the focus from what they did to you to what you can do for yourself.
• Communicate: During challenging times, it is important that you stay respectful and maintain  healthy communication skills. Giving and receiving good communication is part of the healing process and takes effort from both parties. Examples include using  ‘I’ statements, being honest, and expressing how the cheating has affected the hurt party are just part of the healing process.
• Develop a plan to heal: Your plan to heal may look different, depending on your decision to either stay or leave the relationship after infidelity. If you are choosing to heal yourself and your relationship, it is important that you identify the reasons why your partner cheated and whether you can work towards forgiveness. This is a significant, difficult step that has its own timeline.
• Have patience: Recovery from serial infidelity is a practice in patience. There is no “right” way to work on recovering, just your way. Every situation is different, and every person may respond differently to infidelity, but being patient with your partner and/or yourself is crucial during the process.
• Journal: Journaling can benefit your mental health by providing a great outlet for emotional processing. Start a journal during times of emotional turmoil, especially in a relationship. Months and years from now, you will look back and realize how much you have changed and grown despite all the adversity.
• Focus on yourself: There are many healthy ways to focus on yourself, from starting new hobbies, practicing emotional self-care, connecting with family and friends, learning to be alone, reading, volunteering–anything that brings you joy and allows you to focus on and prioritize yourself and what you feel is in your best interest.
• Set healthy boundaries: Learning how to set boundaries in relationships is an important way of making sure your relationship remains healthy. Often, boundaries are a way of putting yourself and your needs first. Learn to say yes and no in a relationship when you want to, and not out of obligation.
• Seek professional help: Working with a professional who has experience in this area, whether that is a marriage or relationship counselor, individual therapist, or support group, will help both of you move through the process of recovery in healthy ways. They can provide a safe, non-judgmental, emotionally open space to talk through the events, your feelings, and the changes you and/or your partner need to make.

How a Therapist Can Help You

Seeking professional help from a discernment counselor or a couples counselor can help you recover and heal after infidelity, whether you decide to stay together or part ways. Depending on your situation, online couples counseling can help guide you in deciding if the marriage or relationship is salvageable, find ways to save it, and navigate recovery in a safe space.

From an individual perspective, therapy can also help you work through the fallout of losing trust in your partner, as this might have triggered deeper insecurities, body image, infidelity and relationship PTSD, low self-esteem, and anxiety. Therapy can give you a place to work through all your thoughts and feelings. You can consider finding a therapist using an online therapist directory that allows you to filter by insurance, specialty, location, and more.