20 Signs of a Serial Cheater & How to Spot Them

20 Signs of a Serial Cheater

Serial cheaters often act in predictable ways. However, these ways may not seem outwardly obvious at first. Moreover, even if you feel suspicious, you may want to give your partner the benefit of the doubt. That said, it’s important to know the common signs; while they don’t guarantee unfaithfulness, they may indicate deeper relationship problems.

Here are 20 common signs of a repeat cheater:

1. They Cheated Before

Infidelity can become a persistent pattern and may be the most obvious indicator of serial cheating. People are 2-3x more likely to cheat in relationships if they have cheated on their partners in the past.¹ While the rationale for this phenomenon isn’t entirely understood, it’s probable that, instead of learning from past mistakes, cheaters might justify their behavior and find that it’s easy to duplicate again. They also may not have identified the reason for their infidelity, making it difficult to avoid repeating that behavior in future relationships.

2. They Have a Fear of Commitment

Commitment issues may come from trauma or a history of unhealthy relationships. These issues can trigger anxiety and avoidance, thereby leading some people to self-sabotage in their monogamous relationship. Their choice to cheat offers an escape plan, whether they are conscious of it or not. In some cases, especially for those who exhibit avoidance behaviors, people won’t even attempt to conceal their actions because they subconsciously hope their partner will find out and end things for them.

3. They Badmouth Former Partners

Serial cheaters are often cynical when it comes to previous relationships. They may blame former partners for being difficult or even “being crazy.” Instead of acknowledging their wrongdoings, they will justify that someone else’s actions drove them to behave that way. This, in a sense, can absolve them of residual guilt. It can also proactively paint their former partners as unreliable or untrustworthy, however, which can make it more difficult to recognize a history of infidelity.

4. They Become Very Secretive With Technology to Hide Their Infidelity

Serial cheaters often go to great lengths to safeguard their privacy. They may resist or outright refuse to give their partner access to their phone or computer.

Some secretive things they may do with technology include:

• Covering their phone when they’re around you
• Stepping out of the room to take phone calls
• Becoming defensive or anxious if you ask to use any of their devices
• Using passcodes or other control settings to keep their partner away

5. They Promise to Change

A serial cheater may confess their past history of cheating. But these disclosures are often coupled with grandiose explanations of how they’ve changed and intend to do better. Most of the time, they keep blaming external factors (like the other person) to excuse their behavior. Even if you feel skeptical, they insist that history will not repeat itself, and may provide a believable reason or excuse for you to believe them.

6. They Accuse You of Cheating

Serial cheaters may use projection to accuse you of cheating. A cheater rarely wants to admit their impulses or actions. And so, in the form of distraction, they will accuse their partners of engaging in unfaithful behavior.

7. They Shower You With Gifts

Some serial cheaters feel guilty about their actions. Most times, cheating partners don’t want to hurt you. To compensate for this uncomfortable feeling, they might lavish you with expensive items or unexpected surprises. Sometimes, the gifts come paired with an apology (if they’ve been caught in the act). Other times, they come randomly, which can further raise your suspicions.

8. They Don’t Talk About the Future & Avoid Commitments

Even if they present as committed, many serial cheaters can’t envision a long-term future with their partners. They avoid conversations about “taking the next step,” whether the next step is marriage, children, or moving in together. Sometimes, they will give excuses to try to rationalize their avoidance or procrastination.

9. They Are Preoccupied With Their Appearance

Serial cheaters may hyperfocus on their appearance if they’re looking to attract a new partner. You might notice this in subtle ways: they may spend more time working out, change their hair, or buy flattering new clothes. They might also start dressing significantly differently when they go out, which is often a telltale sign that they may be meeting up with someone else.

10. They Flirt Often to Keep Their Options Open

Serial cheaters may openly flirt with others in front of their partners. These flirty behaviors are most apparent in their nonverbal cues. For example, along with complimenting people frequently, they may also engage in physical touch, laugh often, and gently tease others.^{2, 3} If confronted, they often deny their behavior and insist they’re just being friendly. While couples have different boundaries around what is considered appropriate flirting, if you express discomfort or have a conversation about how this makes you feel and your partner continues to flirt with others, it shows that they prioritize their own fulfillment and pleasure above your boundaries.

11. Your Friends & Family Raise Concerns

Your loved ones may express concern about your partner with you. They may pick up on flirty or secretive behavior and tell you how they feel about it. Of course, it’s normal to dismiss them as being paranoid, particularly if you really care about your partner. But sometimes, friends and family detect the blindspots within interpersonal relationships.

12. They Cheated On You Before

Unfortunately, if your partner has cheated on you before, they are likely to repeat the behavior. This is true even if they insist it was a one-off incident or that they will never do it again. While people can change, your partner must take full accountability for what happened, identify why they cheated, and take the necessary steps to address the cause and rectify their behavior.

13. You’re Always Anxious

In healthy relationships, partners mutually trust one another. Even if you don’t have definitive proof, your intuition may pick up on suspicious behavior and may lead to you feeling anxious about your relationship. Having anxiety about your relationship doesn’t guarantee your partner is cheating, but if you feel like you can’t relax or feel safe in your relationship, it’s worth exploring the rationale.

14. An Ex Has Warned You About Your Partner

Sometimes, ex-partners will come forward and warn others about cheating behavior. Of course, you (and especially your partner) may dismiss their warnings as them being jealous or vindictive. As previously mentioned, your partner may have also made their exes seem untrustworthy. And while that may be true, it’s still important to consider what they have to say. They may be trying to prevent you from future heartbreak.

15. You’ve Caught Them Lying Before

Cheating entails a significant level of deceit, but that degree of lying doesn’t usually develop overnight. Instead, many cheaters engage in consistent white lies or manipulation to maintain their self-image. So, if you’ve caught them lying about other things before, there’s a possible chance you need to find out if your partner is lying about cheating.

16. They Present as Overly Charming & Use Charisma to Manipulate

Did your partner come across as incredibly charismatic and enticing when you first met? Did you feel like you fell in love extremely quickly? If so, you may be with a serial cheater. Many of them use charming manipulation tactics to draw your attention. They typically use those same tactics to attract partners outside of the relationship as well. If they’re having an affair, it is highly probable that they employ this–and all other tactics–on them as well.

17. They Bail on You at the Last Minute

Serial cheaters often juggle multiple relationships at the same time. They constantly wager their time to determine the best way to meet their needs. As a result, they can seem inconsistent and unreliable. Even if you have committed to certain plans, they have no problem canceling them if a better opportunity presents itself.

18. They Downplay Cheating to Normalize Their Behavior

Serial cheaters may downplay the effects of cheating in an attempt to normalize it within the context of their relationships. For example, they might make offhanded comments like, “nobody really stays faithful forever,” or, “Marriage is a scam.” With this strategy, they’re likely hoping that you will agree with them, further reinforcing their actions.

19. They Suddenly Ask for an Open Relationship

Open relationships can be healthy and advantageous for many couples. But if your partner spontaneously brings up the idea, you may need to explore it further–especially if they show other signs of suspicious behavior. They may be looking to excuse current infidelity or find a legitimate reason to be unfaithful to you. This is especially true if you feel pressured into accepting these new parameters, which should never be the case when exploring a relationship dynamic.

20. They’re Rarely Single, But Their Relationships Seem Superficial

Serial cheaters often crave comfort and attachment from others. Because they often feel insecure about themselves, they rely on others to enhance their self-esteem. As a result, they may hop from one relationship to the next. But, because they can’t fully lean into real commitment and trust, their relationships lack depth or may have a sense of depth that is manipulated by the cheater.

Serial Cheater Traits

Certain personality factors often coincide with serial cheating, such as narcissism, sociopathy, and problems with impulse control. These variables tend to be fixed and pervasive across the lifespan and they don’t usually just show up in relationships. For example, someone who cheats on their partner may also act unethically in society, take dangerous or inappropriate shortcuts at work, and otherwise justify harmful behavior.

Some common traits of serial cheaters include:

• Narcissism: Someone with narcissistic personality disorder displays high levels of arrogance and self-importance. They may cheat on their partners to feel valued and special, or whenever they feel neglected or unimportant.
• Vanity: Vanity may play a role in serial cheating. Cheaters may jump from person to person to gain admiration for their looks or achievements.
• Sociopathy: When dating someone with sociopathic tendencies you may find they often lie and don’t have empathy towards others. Therefore, they may feel bored in relationships and cheat on their partners without feeling remorse
• Low self-esteem: Low self-esteem can cause people to cheat. They may turn elsewhere for validation if they don’t experience enough of it in their current relationship.
• Severe trauma: Trauma is a precursor for unhealthy behaviors, like cheating. Someone with a history of trauma may also struggle with attachment in relationships.
• Flaky/inconsistent behavior: If someone is known for constantly moving on from one interest to the next or is flaky in other parts of life, they may be more prone to cheating in relationships.
• Poor impulse control: Cheating often coincides with poor impulse control and addictive tendencies. Serial cheaters may have issues with other similar struggles, such as compulsive gambling or substance use.

Can Serial Cheaters Change?

Serial cheaters can try changing their behaviors in a number of ways, including:

Figuring Out Why They Cheat

Insight is the first step towards sustainable change. It’s helpful to know why you do something if you want to change it. Someone understanding why they cheat offers a more precise roadmap for growth and healing. They can learn more about their motives through self-exploration or by working with a mental health professional.

Seeking Structured Support

Therapy, support groups, and 12-step meetings can all help serial cheaters change their ways. These resources provide non-judgmental support and guidance. Likewise, they offer a sense of accountability that can help people stay on track. Because support looks different for everyone, finding the best resources for your situation may require some trial-and-error.

Commit to Following Firm Boundaries

Setting boundaries helps you maintain trust and integrity within romantic relationships. If serial cheaters want to change, they must be willing to adhere to such limits. A boundary, for instance, could be allowing your partner to check your phone whenever they ask. Another boundary might be ending all communication with previous partners if it makes your partner uncomfortable.

How Does Serial Cheating Affect You?

Serial cheating often affects everyone in profound ways. Serial cheaters may sometimes be using defense mechanisms to rationalize their behavior, which is common in people with addictive behaviors, and may struggle with maintaining relationships and feelings of guilt without fully realizing why.  For those who are cheated on, it can take a significant toll on your self-esteem and confidence. It may exacerbate preexisting mental health symptoms, and it can certainly increase interpersonal conflict within the relationship.

In addition, partners may also struggle with related symptoms of:

• Depression
• Infidelity PTSD
• Relationship PTSD
• Relationship Anxiety

Serial Cheaters & Marriage

If you’re married to a serial cheater, you may feel conflicted about what to do next. Unlike other relationships, it’s logistically harder to leave a marriage. This is especially true if you have children. The prospect of divorce and navigating that associated change may feel overwhelming. But if you feel consistently resentful or disrespected, it may be time to evaluate your options.

When to Choose Couples Counseling Vs. Walking Away

In some cases, couples decide to try to resolve their issues in couples counseling. While serial cheating is a complex issue, marriage and couples counseling may help after infidelity. You may also find a couples therapy app like Our Ritual beneficial. Even if you decide to part ways, figuring things out through discernment or divorce counseling can help keep things amicable and civil.

Individual therapy can also help you cope. Find the right therapist who specializes in relationship issues and, if applicable, trauma-informed therapy. They can support you in processing your feelings, and they can also offer practical coping tools for your specific situation. You can use an online therapist directory or an online therapy platform to get started.