When to Walk Away After Infidelity

Can a Relationship Survive Infidelity?

Infidelity is challenging to work through, but it is not impossible. Relationships and marriages can survive infidelity if the couple is willing to commit to understanding what was happening in the relationship dynamic that prompted the infidelity. It can feel easy to blame the partner who cheated, but placing all of the shame on them will not help you recover. Shifting from that perspective to one of understanding is the key to surviving this.

10 Signs You Should Walk Away After Infidelity

While some are willing and wanting to stay, others may consider walking away from a relationship after infidelity. Some reasons for leaving include having a lack of interest, lack of commitment, having interest in other people, or other indicators that show one or both partners are already checked out of the relationship or marriage.

Here are 10 signs that you should break up after infidelity:

1. Your Partner Doesn’t Apologize

If your partner doesn’t apologize after cheating, it is a huge red flag. This can feel like a lack of acknowledgement for the pain and devastation their choices caused in the relationship. Your partner may quickly say they are sorry, but an apology should be sincere and genuine. If you don’t find that in your partner’s words, it can be a sign for you to consider leaving.

2. Your Partner Refuses to Discuss the Infidelity

Discussion and communication about this is critical for the health of a relationship. If your partner won’t discuss anything about their infidelity, it could be a sign that they may not want to accept the pain they caused you. They may not give you any kind of feedback or reassurance of their commitment. Be aware if they are not able or willing to talk to you about it.

3. You Are Tired of the Relationship

If you are dealing with relationship burnout or feeling like there are far more problems related to cheating than are worth investing time in, it’s possible you are “growing out” of the relationship. It can be hard to recognize, but if you are feeling ambivalent, this can be a sign to walk away and find a relationship that is fulfilling.

4. They Lie Consistently

Cheating changes the dynamics of a relationship, and those who lie or are pathological liars can make rebuilding trust in a relationship really challenging. Lying after infidelity just breeds more distrust and anxiety in the partner who was cheated on. If your partner keeps lying about their actions or their whereabouts, you may want to walk away, as there is no healthy relationship without trust.

5. They Continue to See the Person They Cheated With

If your partner continues to see the person with whom they cheated, it can be really hard to heal and move forward together. This can be a sign that they don’t consider your feelings and the impact the affair had on you. If that is the case, it’s a good reason to walk away and know your worth.

6. They Minimize Your Feelings

If your partner minimizes or dismisses your feelings, and suggests that their actions were “just physical”, it’s clear they are being defensive and want to avoid accountability. It’s important to be clear in how their behavior made you feel. If your partner is not able to offer compassion and validate your feelings, this is a huge red flag and may indicate it’s time to walk away.

7. They Try to Defend Their Decisions

If your partner tries to defend why they did what they did, watch out. There is no good reason to cheat–but when it happens, the responsible thing is to take ownership of one’s actions and make amends to improve the relationship. For some people, it’s easier to try and defend themselves and find justifiable reasons for their actions.

8. They Refuse to Go to Couples Therapy With You

After infidelity, couples therapy can help you both learn what it may take to make the relationship work. If your partner refuses to go to couples therapy, it’s clear that they are not willing to put work into reconciling after infidelity. Couples therapy is a good place to rebuild trust and express recommitment; those unwilling to do so are showing that they’re not interested.

9. They Don’t Feel Remorse

Regardless if our actions were intentional or not, we often feel remorse after hurting someone we love. Those who do not show remorse for their infidelity care little about the emotional impact their actions had on their partner. This is a clear sign to walk away.

10. They Blame You for Their Behaviors

Those who do not apologize also tend to blame others for their own actions. If your partner is suggesting you led them to their actions, they are not able to hold themselves accountable. Their level of commitment is not the same as yours. This is enough of a reason to walk away, as you are never liable for someone else’s choices.

When to Seek Counseling After Infidelity

Seek counseling after infidelity as soon as you recognize the need for help in rebuilding trust and understanding the impact on your relationship. It’s important to take ownership and accountability while finding new ways to reconnect and reform the foundation of your relationship. Infidelity can turn everything upside down, making it challenging to know how to move forward. Processing your feelings and creating space for open communication is a good way to start and working with a therapist can be beneficial for you as a couple, too.

Marriage counseling helps after infidelity by providing structure for how to rebuild the relationship after infidelity. Online marriage therapy is a convenient option. You can try Regain Counseling for affordable couples therapy without insurance, or Talkspace if you have insurance coverage.

Some therapeutic methods for addressing infidelity in a relationship include:

• Couples counseling: Couples therapy is aimed at identifying a couple’s goals and how they can work towards those goals together.
• Individual therapy: Individual therapy is a one-on-one method between therapist and client where issues specific to that one partner are explored. Their history, goals, thoughts, and feelings are used to come up with ways to work through personal challenges contributing to their relationship problems.
• Group therapy: Group therapy involves individuals who come together in a group setting. Attendees are generally strangers beforehand, but the facilitating therapist uses the communal dynamic to build therapeutic relationships and healing within the group.
• Online therapy options: Online therapy is helpful for those who have busy/alternative schedules and are unable to fit in traditional, in-person therapy sessions. This can be done in individual, couples, or group settings.

What to Consider Before Making a Decision to Stay or Leave

Making the decision to stay or go is complex and filled with uncertainties. Neither choice seems easy, especially if there are different facets to the relationship that need to be taken into consideration. There are so many emotions that come up during that play a role in the decision making.

Here are some factors to consider before making a decision to walk away or stay:

Infidelity Severity

It is common for individuals to have different boundaries and different perceptions on what defines infidelity and cheating. People may have different reactions to the unfaithful partner’s specific forms of deceit.  They might take into consideration the context of how the affair occurred, whether or not it was a one-time mistake, or if it was an emotional or physical affair. These aspects can determine whether the betrayed partner feels like the relationship can be repaired or whether they feel like they can forgive and move past it.

You Have Children

Having children can significantly influence the betrayed partner’s decision to stay or leave after infidelity. Consider whether the unfaithful partner is actively working to repair the relationship and if the betrayed partner is open to receiving those efforts – the answers to these questions determine whether the relationship can recover from the betrayal, enabling each parent to show up in a healthy and appropriate way for effective parenting. Conversely, if the parents are unhappy, if the infidelity continues, or if conflict persists, it will negatively impact the children.

Capacity for Forgiveness

Everyone has a different capacity for forgiveness and this is based heavily on their personality, past experiences, and emotional resilience. The ability to offer forgiveness can also rely on the individual’s capacity for empathy, their communication skills, and how intune they are with their emotions. Cultural and religious beliefs can also play a role in how forgiving someone is.

To determine if they can truly forgive their partner for cheating, individuals should reflect on their emotions, considering if they can move past the hurt and rebuild trust. If thoughts of betrayal constantly overshadow their relationship, forgiveness may be unattainable.

Emotional Well-Being

Taking your emotional well-being into account when making this decision is imperative. Consider whether staying in the relationship is conducive to your mental and emotional stability. If it feels like the relationship has historically brought more stress, then it might be time to throw in the towel. If you do believe that the relationship has potential to foster personal growth and happiness, then it might be time to lean in and begin the work.

Quality of Communication

The ability to have open communication within a relationship is a necessity, especially after a betrayal. This is a pivotal point in rebuilding the trust in the relationship. If this has always been difficult and you feel like you’re putting in the effort and it’s not being reciprocated, or either of you aren’t able to offer this, then it can significantly impact the recovery process and may be a point of contention. Taking this into consideration can help determine whether staying will actually be beneficial or not.

Level of Commitment

The level of commitment that each partner is willing to give can be a major predictor of whether a relationship can survive after an affair. Assess the overall time, energy, and effort each partner is willing to contribute. Reflect back on this paper and take into account how many of the actions above are being taken. Is each partner leaning into the relationship and committing to doing the work or are they shutting down and disconnecting?