When to Walk Away After Infidelity

Can a Relationship Survive Infidelity?

Infidelity is challenging to work through, but it is not impossible. Relationships and marriages can survive infidelity if the couple is willing to commit to understanding what was happening in the relationship dynamic that prompted the infidelity. It can feel easy to blame the partner who cheated, but placing all of the shame on them will not help you recover. Shifting from that perspective to one of understanding is the key to surviving this.

How Do I Know If I Should Stay After Infidelity?

It can be really hard to know if you should stay after infidelity. There is no wrong answer, as long as you are following what is true for you. The reasons people stay in relationships are different for everyone. Some people recognize that they are able to work through their issues, are committed to their relationship, and choose to stay.

Some questions to ask yourself before staying in a relationship after infidelity include:

• Are you and your partner willing to put in the effort to rebuild your relationship?
• Is infidelity a relationship-ending event for you?
• How many times have they committed acts of infidelity?
• Are the reasons behind infidelity issues that can be resolved?
• What will it take to regain trust?

10 Signs You Should Walk Away After Infidelity

While some are willing and wanting to stay, others may consider walking away from a relationship after infidelity. Some reasons for this include a lack of interest, lack of commitment, interest in other people, and other indicators that show one or both partners are already checked out of the relationship or marriage.

Here are 10 signs that you should break up after infidelity:

1. Your Partner Doesn’t Apologize

If your partner doesn’t apologize after cheating, it is a huge red flag. This can feel like a lack of acknowledgement for the pain and devastation their choices caused in the relationship. Your partner may quickly say they are sorry, but an apology should be sincere and genuine. If you don’t find that in your partner’s words, it can be a sign for you to consider leaving.

2. Your Partner Refuses to Discuss the Infidelity

Discussion and communication about this is critical for the health of a relationship. If your partner won’t discuss anything about their infidelity, it could be a sign that they may not want to accept the pain they caused you. They may not give you any kind of feedback or reassurance of their commitment. Be aware if they are not able or willing to talk to you about it.

3. You Are Tired of the Relationship

If you are dealing with relationship burnout or feeling like there are far more problems related to cheating than are worth investing time in, it’s possible you are “growing out” of the relationship. It can be hard to recognize, but if you are feeling ambivalent, this can be a sign to walk away and find a relationship that is fulfilling.

4. They Lie Consistently

Cheating changes the dynamics of a relationship, and those who lie or are pathological liars can make building trust really challenging. Lying after infidelity just breeds more distrust and anxiety in the partner who was cheated on. If your partner keeps lying about their actions or their whereabouts, you may want to walk away, as there is no healthy relationship without trust.

5. They Continue to See the Person They Cheated With

If your partner continues to see the person with whom they cheated, it can be really hard to heal and move forward together. This can be a sign that they don’t consider your feelings and the impact the affair had on you. If that is the case, it’s a good reason to walk away and know your worth.

6. They Minimize Your Feelings

If your partner minimizes or dismisses your feelings, and suggests that their actions were “just physical”, it’s clear they are being defensive and want to avoid accountability. It’s important to be clear in how their behavior made you feel. If your partner is not able to offer compassion and validate your feelings, this is a huge red flag.

7. They Try to Defend Their Decisions

If your partner tries to defend why they did what they did, watch out. There is no good reason to cheat–but when it happens, the responsible thing is to take ownership of one’s actions and make amends to improve the relationship. For some people, it’s easier to defend themselves and find justifiable reasons for their actions.

8. They Refuse to Go to Couples Therapy With You

After infidelity, couples therapy can help you both learn what it may take to make the relationship work. For those who are refusing to go to couples therapy, it’s clear that they are not willing to put work into reconciling after infidelity. Couples therapy is a good place to rebuild trust and express recommitment; those unwilling to do so are showing that they’re not interested.

9. They Don’t Feel Remorse

Regardless if our actions were intentional or not, we often feel remorse after hurting someone we love. Those who do not show remorse for their infidelity care little about the emotional impact their actions had on their partner. This is a clear sign to walk away.

10. They Blame You for Their Behaviors

Those who do not apologize also tend to blame others for their own actions. If your partner is suggesting you led them to their actions, they are not able to hold themselves accountable. Their level of commitment is not the same as yours. This is enough of a reason to walk away, as you are not liable for someone else’s choices.

When to Seek Counseling After Infidelity

Rebuilding trust in a relationship takes intention and understanding of how the infidelity impacted the relationship. It involves taking ownership and accountability, as well as finding new ways to reconnect and reform the foundational pieces of the relationship. Infidelity can turn the relationship upside down, and it can be challenging to know how to move forward. Processing your feelings and creating space for open communication in the relationship is a good way to start.

Working with a therapist can be beneficial for you as a couple, as well. Marriage counseling helps after infidelity tremendously, as it provides structure on how to rebuild the relationship. When you are finding the right therapist, an online directory is useful for locating a few that you like. Once you settle on one or two, set up initial consults to discuss your goals and determine if they are a right fit for you.

Some therapeutic methods for addressing infidelity in a relationship include:

• Couples counseling: Couples therapy is aimed at identifying a couple’s goals and how they can work towards those goals together.
• Individual therapy: Individual therapy is a one-on-one method between therapist and client where issues specific to that one partner are explored. Their history, goals, thoughts, and feelings are used to come up with ways to work through personal challenges contributing to their relationship problems.
• Group therapy: Group therapy involves individuals who come together in a group setting. Attendees are generally strangers beforehand, but the facilitating therapist uses the communal dynamic to build therapeutic relationships and healing within the group.
• Online therapy options: Online therapy is helpful for those who have busy/alternative schedules and are unable to fit in traditional, in-person therapy sessions. This can be done in individual, couples, or group settings.

Final Thoughts

What you are dealing with in your relationship may be unique to you, but you are not alone in your struggles. Infidelity is challenging to work through, and processing the accompanying emotions takes time. Coming to conclusions about your intentions within your relationship will be difficult, too. Accept your feelings and allow yourself to move through this process at your own pace. As you work through these challenges, you will know if you should or should not stay–you will find peace in your decisions. Working with a therapist is a great way to help you figure out what to do, and come up with a plan if you are feeling stuck. Remember, have grace with yourself in whatever you decide, and always remember your worth.