Grief is the emotional reaction to a loss of a loved one or the loss of a thing that was loved deeply. Grief is the acute pain that accompanies loss.1 The loss of a marriage entails a lot more than just moving away from a person that you used to live with. It entitles the loss and death of a life with that person and that hurts.
Why Grieving a Divorce Can Feel Isolating
Those who have been divorced can be surprised by the feeling of isolation that can occur. The absence of a steady partner who was someone you may have relied on can quickly lead to loneliness. Family members and friends may choose to stay close with one member of a couple leaving the other feeling alone and betrayed. When people are grieving, they sometimes make the choice to self isolate due to depression, anger, or sadness. This can compound the feeling of isolation.
Understanding Disenfranchised Grief
People who are divorced may face disenfranchised grief as they cope with the loss of their marriage and partner. This type of grief can be more challenging because divorce is often not publicly discussed or sometimes even acknowledged. Cultural beliefs about how to grieve post-divorce and when it should end can feel critical and judgemental to those in the midst of the dissolution of a marriage.
People experiencing disenfranchised grief can have higher instances of depression, sadness, helplessness, anger, and guilt because the pain of divorce and significance of the loss may be minimized or not valued by others. It may cause more isolation because people are reluctant to discuss it with the divorced couple. These symptoms can become more intense when the divorced couple doesn’t get the social support they may need to move forward and be accepted.
The Fives Stages of Divorce Grief
Grief during divorce is a reality that needs to be acknowledged more often. It is necessary to be aware of the stages of grief in order to allow and accept such feelings as part of the process of grief. According to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her book, On Death and Dying, these are the five stages of grief that take place when people are met with shattering loss.1
To clarify, none of these stages take place in any specific order. It’s important to be aware of what stage you are in, to identify that specific stage so you can accept it, and allow it to take place. While you may be in a hurry to move on after your divorce, it’s important to give yourself the time and space you need to process your grief.
The five stages of grieving a divorce are:
1. Denial
Divorce is a catastrophic loss in all areas, emotionally, spiritually, financially, and physically. For someone who is going through a divorce, the stage of denial might look like hope. A spouse might be hopeful that somehow the spouse seeking the divorce will change their mind, that perhaps they are just “going through a phase.”
2. Anger
Anger during the grief of a divorce is an overwhelming feeling that seems to have no end. Individuals going through divorce have reported feeling angry towards the spouse seeking the divorce, towards themselves, towards the situations that led them there, and towards life itself.
Anger is important; it helps us to stay alive in the midst of great danger. Similarly, feeling angry in the midst of emotional pain protects us from breaking apart and from feeling pity towards ourselves. If we think of anger as a survival stage, it will be easier to allow ourselves to feel it, name it, and allow the feeling to take place.
We can displace this anger in positive ways in order to reach new goals. However, anger can be detrimental if we use it in a negative way, such as taking our anger out on other individuals, whether they’re friends, family, or co-workers. Individuals may also take their anger out on their children or pets. Repressed anger is detrimental to your ability to heal and grow.
If your anger is eating away at you or if you are directing your anger in a negative way, there are many resources and tools you can use, such as anger management and therapy.
3. Bargaining
The bargaining stage is when a person begins to think of everything that they can do to save the relationship—in other words, the negotiation stage. A last desperate sign of hope to resolve the issues to avoid ending the relationship. During this stage, people often put all of their efforts into saving the relationship, but they’re often met with rejection, which leads to overwhelming feelings of loneliness.
4. Depression
Many individuals who have learned how to cope with depression after divorce describe the process as feeling hopeless and overwhelmingly sad. They also describe deep loneliness, no vision towards the future, and being unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel. This stage is vulnerable for many individuals and the people who surround them.
The depression stage is when reality finally sinks in, and the pain can feel unbearable. This is the stage where the person sees how the life they had planned on having will no longer take place, that the dreams and future plans will no longer exist, and that hurts.
It is important to feel the pain and go through the sadness, as this will allow you to go through the final stage of grief and move on. Stay in this stage as long as you need to, and cry as often as you need to. It’s OK to be sad.
There is a difference between depression vs. sadness. If depression is interfering with other aspects of your life, it may be beneficial to talk to a mental health professional about how to treat depression.
Depression symptoms include:
- If you struggle getting out of bed in the morning
- If you no longer have interest in hobbies you once loved
- If you’re isolating yourself
- If your appetite or sleep schedule drastically changes
- If you’re having thoughts of harming yourself
5. Acceptance
In terms of divorce, the acceptance stage means you acknowledge that the relationship is over and that there’s a new chapter ahead. Accepting that your marriage is over gives people closure; during this stage is when you dry your tears, decide to move on, and stop thinking about your ex.
How Long Does Divorce Grief Last?
Grief after divorce is very common, even if it is amicable or you are the person who has initiated the divorce. It is the end of an intimate relationship and people must mourn the death of a marriage and the associated hopes and dreams that were attached to it. There may be grief in terms of the friendships and other relationships that are altered as a consequence of the divorce.
There is no specific time frame that will apply to everyone who gets divorced. This type of grief is a unique experience for each individual.
The length of the grief can be related to a number of factors:
- What was the nature of the relationship prior to the divorce? If there was turmoil in the relationship then a divorce may not be a surprising outcome. If the divorce is unexpected and there is a false sense of security about the marriage the intensity of feelings will be stronger and the period of grief may be longer.
- How are you coping with your grief? Are you acknowledging or suppressing your feelings? People who suppress their feelings may unintentionally lengthen their period of bereavement and grief. Healing cannot begin until feelings are acknowledged, understood, and dealt with.
- Were there other losses associated with the divorce? There are a lot of losses that can be associated with divorce. In addition to losing a partner people can lose custody of their children, their home, relatives and friendships, and financial support. The greater number of losses that occur in conjunction with divorce the more complicated and longer the period of grief may last.
- What support systems are available to you? The more ongoing support systems that are available to the person who is divorced the more equipped they will be to cope with the resulting grief. Reaching out to family, friends, mental health professionals, spiritual mentors, and divorce support groups are all important steps that can help with healing. Having people who will listen without judgment is very important in helping to process grief and identify ways to cope. This will shorten the grief reaction and help to take the necessary steps to move forward with your life.
Does Grief Mean Regret?
During the process of grieving, you might feel regret—you might regret not doing certain things or wish you had done things differently. Regret is actually part of the bargaining stage, where you negotiate how you will be different in order to save the relationship. Nonetheless, grieving itself does not mean that the person regrets their decision, it just means that they are going through the process of letting go.
Tips to Cope With Divorce
Coping with grief during a divorce is exceedingly difficult. Feeling all the emotions mentioned in each stage during the process of divorce is common and necessary for moving forward after divorce.
Allow Yourself to Feel All Your Feelings
Everyone is different and everyone can experience each one of these stages very differently. Allowing yourself the freedom to grieve during a divorce doesn’t make you weak. Letting yourself grieve will help you get over someone faster than suppressing your feelings. Grieving is a natural process, but we can suppress our feelings, therefore, stopping the process at will.
Consider Doing a Mourning Ritual
When there is a significant loss, grief experts have found that mourning rituals can be a powerful tool to help cope and move towards healing. Mourning rituals help offer a sense of control over situations that feel out of control. They can help divorce feel less tumultuous by creating a safe space and place for you to mourn and express feelings.
Here are some examples of mourning rituals:
- Use a journal or piece of paper to list all of the things you want to release or let go of in relation to your divorce. It might be feelings. It might be a gift your former partner gave you. Perhaps it’s a specific place that you never want to revisit. Putting these things to paper can feel cathartic.
- Identify ways you want to release them. For example you can donate a gifted piece of clothing to a thrift store. Sell or give away tickets to an event that you had with your ex.
- Light a candle on the anniversary of your divorce.
- Write a eulogy to your marriage. The act of putting words and feelings to paper can decrease the intensity of the feelings. It is a way for you to create new interpersonal relationship goals. What new and positive things have you learned about yourself? What things have you learned about yourself that you want to change?
In what ways are you feeling stronger? What are you letting go of that you will not miss?
Cut Yourself Extra Slack
Give yourself time to recover from what may be a very devastating loss. Be kind to yourself and show yourself compassion as you work through the mixture of feelings that stem from the ending of your marriage. Identify people you can talk with who can help you at times you are feeling more insecure, more unsteady, and perhaps more alone. Don’t take on too much at once. Give yourself time to heal as you learn ways to become resilient. Do things that you enjoy that will nourish you physically, emotionally, and spiritually as you begin to move forward.
Cultivate a Strong Support System
It’s important to surround yourself with people who love and support you. It can be hard when couples have a group of friends in common because the divorce can also lead to the loss of many friends.
Nonetheless, you should allow people into your life, and do not isolate yourself. Healthy coping skills like these will help you find happiness again.
The more people you have checking on you throughout this process the better. Stay away from unhealthy coping habits such as drinking, drugs, and using food or exercise in unhealthy ways. Take care of yourself through this process by eating balanced meals, reaching out to friends, and getting enough sleep.
Focus on Self-Care
Self care is a very important way to help heal after a divorce. It is especially important for people who may be critical of themselves as they grieve the loss of a marriage. It can be hard to engage in self care when you are grieving, and some people may want to isolate or focus on others. Try to resist these feelings and identify ways to support yourself.
Here are some actions you can take to take care of yourself:
- Journaling: Putting your feelings on paper helps reduce their intensity. It helps to clarify thoughts and feelings. It is also a good roadmap you can look back on in the future to begin to measure the gains you made and what helped to get you there.
- Find other people who have been through divorce as a place of support. It helps normalize and validate your feelings. Divorce support groups like DivorceCare, Womans Divorce Chat Room, and Men’s Group can offer tips and resources to help with your grief.
- Treat yourself to a getaway to a new place. It can just be a day trip to a pretty spot or a more extended stay. A change of scenery can re-energize you.
- If you believe you are stuck and your grief is impacting your ability to function and you are unable to move forward, consider getting help from a therapist who specializes in grief.
Determine the Future You Want & Set Small Goals
It is hard to think about your future when you are in the early stages of grief. When you feel ready, it is important to envision what you want your “new normal” to be and how you can make it become a reality.
Here are some guidelines to keep in mind:
- What areas do you want to focus on improving? (Self care, career, children/family relationships, finances) Prioritize which goal is most important to you. For example, if it is a career goal, maybe you could sit down and update your resume. Self care might be joining a health club, taking a walk a few times a week, or getting a physical with your doctor.
- Divorce can be isolating and lonely. Set a goal of spending time with someone you feel comfortable with once a week. Identify how you will reach out to them (phone, in person, email, letter) then stick to it.
- Include time frames in the goals and make sure your goal is achievable. For example, give yourself a couple of weeks to put together a resume. Identify someone who can help you with it or someone you can show it to for review and suggestions.
- If your kids are your focus, identify ways you can spend quality time with them doing things you know they enjoy and you enjoy, too. It could be visiting a local park, reading a story, playing a game, or going to a movie. Try to decide together what would be a good choice. Ask yourself what can you do to strengthen your parenting relationship?
Don’t Date Again Until You’re Ready
Before you begin to date again you want to make sure you have worked through the grief over the loss of your marriage. Are you on emotionally solid ground to begin starting a new relationship? There is no specific time frame in terms of when to start dating again. It needs to be assessed based on where you are at emotionally. Many divorce experts suggest waiting until the divorce is final before you begin to seriously date. If you want to start sooner, ask yourself what you are looking for (companionship, testing your ability to find a good mate, intimacy, distraction from the pain of divorce).
Be aware that entering the realm of dating can bring up old negative feelings related to your marriage and divorce. Comparisons will be made. Ask yourself these questions:
- What dynamics in your marriage might have contributed to your divorce?
- How can you change them when dating again?
- Can you think about your divorce and your ex without getting very angry and emotional? This will help you to assess where you are in your grieving process.
- Can you talk about your ex without getting angry and emotional as you begin dating again? This will also help to assess where you are with your grief.
How Therapy Can Help You Through the Grief Process
If you find yourself stuck through any of the stages of grief, therapy can help. With therapy, you will be able to process what you are going through and reframe the situation if you get stuck in a negative headspace.
How to Find a Therapist
If you’re ready to find a therapist, start your search in an online therapist directory where you can sort by specialty (like grief or divorce) and location. You can also ask a trusted loved one or your primary care physician or a referral.
Final Thoughts
A divorce can be a traumatic event in a person’s life. Give yourself time to grieve, and try not to make big decisions about the future during this process. You will know when you are ready to begin dating after your divorce if you stay open and connected to your feelings.
For Further Reading
Stages of Grief During Divorce Infographics
