How to Stop Obsessing Over Someone

1. Redirect Your Focus to Personal Growth

“Turning your attention towards personal growth can serve as a beacon of light during times when your thoughts seem anchored to someone else. This involves setting tangible goals for yourself in various aspects of your life, be it career, personal skills, or health.”

“The journey of self-improvement not only diverts your focus from the object of your obsession but also enhances your self-worth and life satisfaction. It’s a reminder that your happiness and fulfillment come from within, not from external sources.”

2. Get Out of Autopilot

“Noticing when your mind wanders to the person and consciously recentering on the present loosens rumination‘s grip little by little. Staying grounded in your body and breath cultivates clarity on why this obsession holds such intensity right now. Getting out of autopilot reactions builds resilience against future relapses into unhealthy mental habits as well.

3. Cut Them Out of Your Life

“I am sorry but there are no cutting corners here! By blocking this person’s phone number and social media accounts you’re minimizing their presence in your life. You’ll eventually stop getting the urge to check up on them and forget them completely as a result.”

4. Reconnect With Your Passions

“Rekindling your passion for hobbies or activities that once brought you joy can also play a pivotal role in overcoming obsession. Engaging in pursuits that resonate with your soul fills your mind with positive and stimulating thoughts, which can naturally diminish the space occupied by the individual you’re fixated on. This reconnection with what makes you uniquely you is crucial; it reinforces your identity beyond the confines of your feelings for someone else.”

5. Talk to a Supportive Friend

“We all have that friend, someone who’s ready and willing to knock some sense into us. What this does is give you a third-person perspective — the perspective of someone whose opinion about the person isn’t impacted by their feelings. Also, oftentimes we obsess over someone because we feel alone and attached, so the sheer presence of your buddies will do you well.”

6. Expand Your Social Circle

“Broadening your social horizon by forging new friendships and engaging in diverse social activities introduces fresh perspectives and experiences into your life. This variety can help dilute the intensity of your obsession, as you discover alternative sources of happiness and support. It’s a gentle reminder that your world is vast and filled with potential connections that can enrich your life in unexpected ways.”

7. Think of Them Doing Something Embarrassing

“Thinking of someone in an embarrassing situation, such as going to the loo or fighting with restaurant staff, might eradicate unwanted crushes. The logic is that you’re preventing putting them on a pedestal. TikTok calls this an ‘ick,’ a sort of turn-off that’s able to make you rethink their attraction.”

8. Practice Mindfulness & Meditation

“Incorporating mindfulness and meditation into your daily routine can also be incredibly effective. These practices empower you to observe your thoughts from a distance, without judgment, fostering a sense of presence and calm. By learning to detach from obsessive thoughts and center yourself in the moment, you gain mastery over where your mind wanders, enhancing your overall mental well-being in the process.”

9. Find Your Red Balloon

“This technique can help refocus your mind using a process called adaptive substitution, or red ballooning. Imagine if someone were to say, ‘Quick, don’t think about a pink elephant!’ It’s actually pretty hard not to; the more you try to push the thought away, the harder it becomes. This is the pattern that obsessive thoughts follow.”

“So, how do you stop thinking about the pink elephant? You find something else to focus on. You picture a red balloon instead. What will your “red balloon” be? A new hobby, a new dish to cook, a new tv show, doesn’t matter what it is, as long as it grabs your attention. Shift your focus off of the pink elephant of the person, and onto the red balloon of something joyful or exciting you want to try instead.”

10. Limit Social Media Consumption

“Taking a step back from social media is another practical step. The digital world can sometimes fuel our obsessions, especially with constant updates on someone’s life. By limiting your exposure, you allow yourself the space to focus on your personal journey, free from the triggers that online platforms often present.”

11. Shift the Goal to Reduce Frequency

“Shifting the goal to reduce the frequency of such thoughts is a more realistic approach. The most effective strategy involves consciously disengaging from any activities providing information about the person. That entails refraining from checking their social media, monitoring their online activity, or seeking updates through mutual acquaintances.”

12. Reconnect With Yourself

“Whenever you are in any sort of significant relationship, it is natural for different parts of you to come forward and maybe lose touch with others. After a breakup it is common to find yourself thinking a lot about the relationship, your ex, and trying to make sense of it all. This can be a valuable time to shift the focus from them to you.”

13. Engage in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

“Cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) helps you understand how your thoughts and feelings influence your behaviors. CBT is often used to treat OCD by helping you learn to identify and change destructive or disturbing thought patterns that have a negative influence on behavior. Remember to consult with a mental health professional for personalized advice and treatment.”

14. Get Into Your Body Through Movement

“Since thought patterns exist in our brains, it helps to get out of your brain and into your body. Find movement that is accessible and enjoyable for you and do it. Moving your body can be helpful because often the thoughts feel stuck. By moving your body you also move through the thoughts and it helps the feeling of stuckness. Moving is also a great way to process thoughts and feelings, especially activities like walking. So the next time you are feeling stuck by your thoughts, try getting in touch with your body.”

15. Establish a Routine

“Creating a structured daily routine can help manage obsessive thoughts by providing a sense of order and predictability. Routines minimize the downtime that allows for rumination and ensure that your day is filled with activities that foster positive well-being.”

16. Establish Healthy Relationships

“Building and maintaining healthy relationships can act as a support system when dealing with obsessions. Surrounding yourself with understanding friends and family can offer comfort and advice when needed, and having someone to talk to about your thoughts can help alleviate their power over your mind.”

17. Identify Thought Pattern, Write it Down, Challenge it

“Obsessive thoughts stem from irrational beliefs or assumptions that may not be based on reality. For instance, you may think that the person you’re obsessing over is perfect and you’ll never find someone like them again. However, you can challenge this thought by reminding yourself that perfection does not exist and that there are many other potential partners out there.”

“Once you get a more realistic perspective of things and you’re brought back down to earth, you’ll find it easier to let go of your obsessive thoughts. It’s like a wake-up call that allows you to see things more clearly and move on.”

18. Find a Release

“When thoughts overwhelm the brain, it can be easy to spiral. They keep building until they become too much to handle. Finding a release for the thoughts can help get them out of your brain and have them exist somewhere else. Some possible ideas are to journal or write a letter to the person (and don’t send it). For anger this may be yelling into a pillow or an exercise that gets your heartrate up. For sadness it may be crying, listening to emo music, or creating art. Giving the thoughts an exit valve helps move through them rather than be overcome by them.”

19. Get to the Root of Your Obsession

“Get down to the root of why you’re obsessing. Is it loneliness, self-esteem issues, or past trauma that’s resurfacing. By understanding what leads you to obsession, you can learn to avoid these triggers and minimize reasons to obsess.”

20. Create a Container

“A helpful coping skill is to create a container. For some, a visualized container is helpful. For others a physical container is best. If you have a history with journaling then designating a journal for these thoughts can be beneficial. Whatever your container ends up being, these thoughts now have a designated place to exist.”

“Additionally, if you find yourself thinking about it and it is distracting you from being present such as while at dinner or at work, you can practice putting the thoughts/worries/questions into the container to return to later. This is a mindfulness exercise and will be difficult at first, but through the repetition of placing the thoughts in the imaginary container, you grow the skill to be present and ultimately feel less out of control of the thoughts.”

21. Accept Your Feelings

“The first step to solving any problem is admitting you have one. Recognize your feelings as valid and do not be too hard on yourself. Being hard on oneself triggers the brain to inaction because it feels daunting. Instead, go easy on yourself and work on it.”

22. Create Distance

“By creating physical and emotional distance between yourself and the object of your obsession, the intensity weakens. This could require ingenuity in the sense that you’ll be rearranging your routine, avoiding common hangouts, and basically just finding new places where you don’t risk seeing each other.”

23. Celebrate Small Victories

“Acknowledge progress, no matter how minor it may seem. This is you telling yourself you weren’t where you were before, and you will forge a path forward.”

24. Identify Your Triggers

“Keeping track of when and where your obsessive thoughts tend to occur can help manage them. This can give you insight into what triggers these thoughts and allow you to anticipate and prepare for them. For example, if you find that scrolling through your ex’s social media pages always triggers obsessive thoughts, it may be time to unfollow/block them. If certain places or situations remind you of the person, then it might be best to avoid them for a while until you feel more in control of your thoughts. Knowing your triggers can also help you to develop coping strategies to handle them when they do happen.”

25. Write it Out

“Venting on social media has been the modern way of letting out feelings. A classic and more private way of venting or expressing what you’re going through is by journaling. This helps you process your emotions as you commit them to paper.”

26. Talk to a Therapist

“Seek out a therapist for professional guidance. Ask them to question your thoughts and help you gain a different perspective on the situation. Often, when we are obsessing over someone, our thoughts can become distorted and it is helpful to have an outside perspective to challenge them.”

27. Join a Support Group

“Connect with others in a support group who have experienced similar situations. This also helps you understand you’re not alone in your struggles. They can also share with you their best practices on overcoming obsession.”

28. Address the Emotional Wound Through Physical Grounding

“Soothe the emotional wound with support and care – seek community support with friends, family, etc. If the emotions are feeling more physiological, with heart racing, elevated anxiety, and difficulty breathing, we can lean into physical grounding techniques. An example of this can be turning the water to freezing cold for the last ten seconds of your shower. Freezing cold water will shock the nervous system and silence obsessive thoughts due to the focus on the moment. This active validation of emotions demonstrates self-compassion and gentle self-love that is necessary during mental perseveration.”

29. Expand Your Social Circle

“Building new friendships and strengthening existing ones can help shift your focus away from the person you’re obsessing over. Social interactions bring new perspectives and experiences into your life, enriching it and reducing the mental space occupied by obsessive thoughts. Engaging in group activities or joining clubs that align with your interests can also introduce you to like-minded individuals, fostering a supportive community around you.”

30. Identify Underlying Anxiety

“A lot of my clients become obsessed with someone they’re newly dating or even their long-term partner, which is often rooted in a more anxious attachment pattern of relating to romantic partners. Being able to understand the anxiety or fear underlying the obsession will help bring clarity around what is needed. Obsession over someone is often a way we abandon our own needs to cling to someone for fear of them leaving us. I work with my clients on how to trust their worthiness as a partner and see their obsession as attempts to control what is not in their control (their partner’s thoughts, feelings, behaviors).”

31. Go For a Walk

“The first thing I tell my patients when they’re dealing with obsessive thoughts about someone is to go on a 20-minute walk. This allows for bilateral stimulation; meaning, it allows both sides of your brain to communicate to one another. The right side holds emotion and is where the obsessions are coming from, and the left side holds logic.”

“As you go for the walk, you want to ask yourself: ‘Which one of the three inherent needs does this person meet for me? Do I need them for security? Do they make me feel special? Or do I feel attached to them because they made me feel like I belong?’ Answering this question will help you to at least track down the source of your obsession.”

32. Cultivate Self-Compassion

“Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness you’d show to a good friend. It’s about recognizing that everyone makes mistakes and experiences setbacks. Instead of judging yourself for your obsession, understand that it’s a common human experience. This can help reduce feelings of isolation, promote emotional resilience, and foster healthy self-image.”

33. Rewire Your Brain

“Rewiring our brains is entirely possible. That is the beauty of neuroplasticity – it tells us that we don’t have to stay stuck in harmful patterns. Think of the four-step method — Relabel, Reattribute, Refocus, Revalue — as an emotional and mental exercise that helps you generate stronger and healthier neural signals.”