What If I Hate My Therapist?

Should I Like My Therapist?

Generally speaking, you should respect and like your therapist if you want to achieve your therapeutic goals. Research consistently shows that the therapeutic alliance, which refers to the relationship between a therapist and client, is one of the most essential components of effective therapy. This relationship is often more important than the therapist’s level of expertise or the types of interventions used.¹

An excellent therapist can sometimes be warm and compassionate like a good friend, but they consistently maintain their professional boundaries. They appropriately support and challenge you. Within your sessions, you should feel like they have your best interest at heart. And if a problem does occur, they should swiftly take accountability and apologize for its impact.²

Therapy & Complicated Emotions

Therapy often brings up new or complex emotions. As you increase your self-awareness, you may find yourself feeling uncomfortable with both yourself and your therapist. This experience is normal, but it can feel unnerving. Soon after starting therapy, it’s common for clients to feel like things get worse before they get better.³

Some of the emotions experienced in therapy are:

• Relief
• Sadness
• Confusion
• Anger
• Fear
• Guilt
• Shame
• Disappointment

Emotions You May Experience About Your Therapist

It’s also normal to have intense and complex emotions toward your therapist, both during and in between your sessions. Some of these emotions are directly related to your therapist’s actions. Other times, your therapist may remind you of someone you know, which can cause you to subconsciously “transfer” your experiences and feelings onto them. In the context of therapy, this is a process known as transference.

Emotions people experience about their therapists include:

• Anger
• Suspicion
• Excitement
• Attraction
• Sadness
• Fear
• Interest
• Confusion

Causes of Negative Feelings About Your Therapist

There are many reasons why you might feel negatively about your therapist or about the therapy process itself. Sometimes it’s as simple as having a bad connection or mismatched personalities. Other times, it’s more logistical, such as your therapist doesn’t have the competence needed to treat your presenting issue. In all cases, you should consider your negative feelings and their impact on your treatment.

Causes of negative feelings about your therapist include:

Transference

Transference refers to directing feelings, experiences, or desires onto someone else. Your therapist–or the role they simply embody–may remind you of someone in your past, causing you to anticipate them to act in specific ways.⁴ For example, if you had a judgmental father, you might expect that your therapist will respond negatively to you expressing your needs in therapy.

Transference can stir difficult emotions, and it can cause you to act in ways that mimic old dynamics. Most therapists are familiar with understanding and working with transference. If you think you’re experiencing it, consider talking about it in your sessions. Your therapist may naturally provide you with a corrective new experience.

Pain

Discussing painful feelings or trauma from the past can cause negative emotions. You may feel frustrated with yourself and your therapist for addressing this discomfort. You might also worry about being judged, which can cause you to feel upset. Sometimes this happens if you’ve had a history of others being critical or dismissive in the past. This reaction is worth exploring both internally and with your therapist.

Shame

Talking about certain material in therapy can trigger feelings of shame. And because shame can feel so vulnerable, you might feel upset with your therapist for having the conversation with you in the first place. Some people respond to shame by quickly turning to anger. It often feels safer to be upset with someone than face the difficult material. If you’re noticing this emotion, consider its context within your life and how it may be playing out in your therapy.

Problematic Therapist Behavior

Problematic therapist behavior can include breaking confidentiality, violating boundaries, or terminating treatment abruptly. Therapists have numerous laws and ethics they are required to follow. These guidelines maintain best practices within psychotherapy. Acting outside of these parameters can significantly impact a client’s well-being, and it can cause you confusion and distress.

Helplessness

Unfortunately, even the best therapist can’t change your external life circumstances. If you’re going through something difficult, you may feel like therapy just isn’t enough to help you cope. Or, you might feel frustrated that your therapist can’t do more for you. These feelings can quickly spiral into feeling like you dislike your therapist.

Questions to Ask Yourself If You Hate Your Therapist

If you feel like you hate your therapist, it’s essential to examine your feelings. Did a certain event cause you to feel this way? Or has it been a gradual pattern over time? Would switching to a new therapist make you feel differently about therapy?

Questions to ask yourself if you hate your therapist are:

Have I Given This Relationship Enough Time?

Therapeutic relationships take time to form. The first few sessions may feel awkward, especially since you’re just getting to know one another. You may not feel like you have a strong connection instantly, and that’s normal. That said, you should consistently feel that your therapist is warm, safe, and can be a person you want to trust.

What Are My Concrete Reasons for Disliking My Therapist?

It can be helpful to identify the issues impacting your therapy. What is upsetting you? What specific actions hurt your feelings or otherwise felt problematic? You may find it helpful to talk about these concerns with a trusted loved one. Doing this exercise can give you insight into whether it’s possible to work through these concerns with your therapist or whether you need to start working with someone else.

Do I Dislike My Therapist or Therapy?

It’s possible to dislike the therapy process, impacting how you perceive your therapist. This may be especially true if you’ve had negative experiences with mental health providers in the past. If you’re not sure, it’s worth asking yourself, Do I think I’d benefit more from therapy if I was working with someone else? If the answer is yes, it may be a sign that your current therapist isn’t the right fit.

Is This a Pattern for Me?

Sometimes it’s hard to trust or like people who aim to be supportive or caring. If you generally have a more avoidant attachment style, you may notice you have patterns of withdrawing from others or keeping people at an emotional distance.⁵ This theme can undoubtedly play out in therapy. If that’s the case, your feelings may have less to do with your therapist and more to do with feeling uncomfortable with vulnerability.

Have I Committed to Therapy?

Some people find themselves disliking therapy (or their therapist) if they feel ambivalent about doing the work. Likewise, it can be challenging to build momentum if you are inconsistent with attending sessions. If this is the case, it may be helpful to make a time commitment (such as three months) to determine whether things improve in therapy or to assess if you need to try something new.

Is it Time to Change Therapists?

It’s important to remember that you have the right to breakup with your therapist at anytime. This is your therapy, and your emotional well-being always comes first. You may find that educating yourself on the signs of a bad therapist can help you better evaluate the situation you’re in with your current therapist.

If it is time to find a new therapist, consider what’s most important to you in your provider. What are your main goals at the moment? Would you prefer to work with someone similar to you in age or who has the same cultural background? Do you want to meet with someone in person, or are you interested in pursuing online therapy options? While there is no perfect therapist, the right therapist will provide support and guidance throughout your time together.

In My Experience

Many clients come to therapy and feel surprised by their emotions about the process. Therapy is an incredibly vulnerable process, and it’s normal to experience discomfort about yourself and your therapist. However, if you increasingly feel upset or angry in your sessions, these feelings can detract you from your goals. If you’re struggling, it’s important to consider sharing what’s going on with your therapist or considering making a switch.