How to Break Up With Your Therapist: 7 Tips From a Therapist

What Does It Mean to Break Up With a Therapist?

In an ideal situation, therapy ends once you’ve adequately met your treatment goals. This can be achieved in either short-term or long-term work. However, sometimes therapy can feel unproductive or unhelpful. In extreme cases, working with the wrong provider can leave people feeling even worse. Breaking up with a therapist ultimately means ending your treatment and potentially trying someone new.

Signs It’s Time to Quit Your Therapist

People quit therapists for many reasons, and you don’t necessarily need a qualifying event to end the relationship. You may just think “I hate my therapist“. Your intuition may be onto something, even if you aren’t entirely aware of the source of those feelings. Other times, you may have more concrete reasons, like poor fit, feeling invalidated, or scheduling issues for wanting a change.

Common signs it’s time to break up with your therapist include:

You Consistently Feel Worse

Therapy can bring awareness to painful experiences and emotions, which causes people sometimes to feel worse than they did before they started treatment. But if you leave every session feeling bad about yourself, or there’s a newfound sense of hopelessness or self-loathing, it may be a sign that you need a new therapist.

You Don’t Trust Your Therapist

Trust takes time to develop in therapy, particularly if you’ve had difficulties with trust in other relationships.¹ However, even if it’s hard to open up, you should still have some sense that your therapist is worth being trusted. If they act in ways that make trust challenging, you may reach an impasse with your ability to progress in treatment.

You Need Someone With Certain Experience

Therapists have different specialties and levels of expertise. You may need someone with a specific type of clinical experience. Or, you might be interested in working with someone who uses certain interventions in their work, such as art therapy or eye-movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), based on your presenting issues. If this is the case, you might need another provider.

You Feel Like You’re Friends

The therapeutic relationship can be friendly, but your sessions shouldn’t feel like chit-chat, and you certainly shouldn’t feel like you know the personal details of your therapist’s life. Therapy, in many ways, is meant to feel like hard work. You should feel both supported and pushed to think and act differently. It might be a red flag if things feel loose and casual.

There Are Logistical Difficulties

Fees, scheduling, and location all represent important parts of therapy. If any one of these issues is affecting you, it might impact the course of your treatment. You may want to bring up your concern with your therapist directly. Sometimes alternatives are possible, but if they’re not, it may be time to switch to someone new.

You Feel Like They Keep Pushing Their Own Thoughts Onto You

Therapists, in general, don’t give much advice to their clients.² You are the expert in your own life. Therefore, your therapist should help you make decisions by exploring and unpacking the various obstacles impacting your well-being. So, if your therapist keeps telling you what to do or they start pressuring you to think a certain way, it’s a significant red flag.

You Don’t See Any Real Progress

Change doesn’t happen overnight, and progress isn’t linear. However, if you don’t feel like your life is improving, it may speak to a poor therapeutic fit. Even if you’re diving deeply into trauma or coping with significant stress, therapy should help you feel more empowered and capable of navigating life’s hardships.

You’re Concerned About Their Ethics

Therapists have strict state laws and ethics they need to adhere to in treatment. If you feel your provider crossed a line, boundaries start getting blurred. You can refer to your therapist’s licensing board for more information about these rules. But as a general guideline, if something feels wrong, it’s important to pay attention to that feeling.

7 Tips for How to Break Up With Your Therapist

Breakups rarely feel easy, even in professional settings. Additionally, sometimes, because the therapy process is so inherently vulnerable, ending things can feel even more challenging or triggering. Remember that there’s no “perfect” way to end treatment, but here are some dos and don’ts to consider once you decide it’s time to move on.

Seven tips for breaking up with your therapist are:

1. Identify Why You Want to Leave Your Therapist

It’s a good idea to spend some serious time reflecting on why you want to break up with your therapist. This benefits you internally, as it ensures you’re making the best decision for your well-being and may limit the chance of acting impulsively. This process may also give you clarity in deciding whether or not you want to share your reasons with your therapist.

2. Consider the Possibility of Relationship Repair

Your therapist can’t read your mind, and they may not realize if they have upset, scared, or otherwise frustrated you through your work together. Research shows that a healthy repair process can actually help you make more progress toward your goals.³ It may be worth addressing your concerns with your therapist and seeing how they react before terminating abruptly.

3. Avoid Ghosting Your Therapist

Ghosting can be tempting, but a good therapist will want to know your feelings and needs.⁴ You may find that a termination session, even a self-initiated break-up session, can be cathartic. Rest assured that any experienced therapist is used to being broken up with–it comes with the territory of the work! That said, if ghosting feels like the only safe or permissible choice, you absolutely have the right to take care of yourself.

4. How to Break Up With Your Therapist via Email

If you choose not to have a termination session, you may want to send an email letting your therapist know your intentions. It’s up to you to decide how much information you want to disclose. You might choose to list some of your reasons for ending. Or you might keep things more vague and say something like, Thank you for our work together. At this point, I have decided to try working with another therapist. 

5. What to Say to Your Therapist

The idea of talking to your therapist about your feelings can feel daunting. Keep in mind that there isn’t a right or wrong way to approach the situation. Regardless of what you decide to disclose, it’s your therapist’s responsibility to be non-judgmental and respond professionally. You may want to consider writing down what you want to say beforehand.

Here are a few suggestions for what to say to quit your therapist:

• “I appreciate the work we’ve done together, but I need to go in a different direction now.”
• “I would like to end therapy because ____. Thank you for your support so far.”
• “I have enjoyed our work together, but I want a therapist with more experience treating ____.”
• “I think I want to try working with someone who has a similar (religious/cultural background/life experience) as me. I’m realizing how important this is to me.”
• “I can’t afford your fee, and I need a therapist who costs less.”
• “I’d prefer to meet (in-person/online), and I’d like to work with a therapist who can offer that.”
• “My schedule has changed, and it’s become challenging to meet at this time, so I need to find someone who can better work with my schedule.”

6. Protect Your Needs and Feelings

You are not responsible for caring for a professional therapist’s emotions. Terminating treatment is a natural part of the process. If you do feel worried about hurting their feelings, that may speak to some of your own relational patterns. Ultimately, therapy is about you and your needs. And if your therapist can’t validate that, trust that you’re making the right decision by moving on.

7. Ask for Referrals (If You Feel Comfortable)

Therapists aim to provide clients with the resources they need to improve their emotional well-being. This includes referrals to other therapists, groups, psychiatrists, and community supports. Even though you may feel uncomfortable asking for a “replacement,” any good therapist will be happy to offer you recommendations. However, if you really don’t trust your therapist’s guidance, you can skip this step.

Where to Find a New Therapist

No matter how long you have been working together, your therapist is ethically required to provide you with relevant referrals for other therapists. This can be a good starting point for finding a new provider, especially if your therapist knows what you’re looking for in someone else.

If you’re still struggling with your mental health, finding a new therapist should be your top priority. When choosing between therapists, you might want to consider personality fit, theoretical orientation, cost, and cultural background in your search. Many therapists offer free, initial consultations for new clients. Use this time to ask any clarifying questions and get a feel for a new provider.