Married to an Alcoholic: 5 Tips to Help You Talk to Your Spouse

What Is Alcoholism?

Alcoholism is defined by the body’s dependence on receiving substances containing alcohol and the cravings that come along with this. Often, the individual can not control whether or not they pick up that next drink as it has become an addiction.¹

At first, your spouse may drink to feel relaxed, or perhaps they drink to numb uncomfortable feelings. At some point, they will drink to not feel sick due to the painful side effects of alcohol withdrawal. Alcohol is one of the most dangerous substances to detox from due to the risk of seizures and death. Alcoholism is incredibly serious due to medical complications from long-term use as well as the severity of withdrawal symptoms.Signs Your Spouse May Be Struggling With Alcoholism

Some signs and symptoms that your loved one is struggling with alcoholism may be more difficult to notice compared to others. Increasing your knowledge of the disease of addiction will be essential in understanding and helping your spouse.

Common signs a spouse may have an alcohol problem include:

• Change in behavior
• The smell of alcohol on breath or items of clothing
• Deceitful behavior/catching your spouse lying
• Drinking earlier in the day
• Defensiveness around drinking behavior
• Hiding bottles or evidence of drinking (e.g. receipts)
• Troubles at work or keeping up with responsibilities
• Secret spending

Impacts of Living With an Alcoholic Spouse

Living with an alcoholic spouse can take a serious toll on marriage, quality of life, and family dynamics. It can be easy to minimize your own experiences living with a spouse who is unable to stop drinking on their own. Recognizing how your spouse’s alcoholism impacts all parties will aid in the conversation when and if you choose to have it.

Impacts of living with an alcoholic spouse include:

Self-blame for Their Alcoholism

It is easy to begin the blame game. The part that is difficult to come to terms with is the fact that there is no single reason for an individual becoming dependent on alcohol. You were not the cause, and you will not be the one to “fix” them.

Attempts to Control Their Drinking

Because you love your spouse, you will attempt to intervene. This is very normal and shows that you care for them. Often, these attempts to control their addiction will fail. The failed attempts might leave you feeling helpless. Try to remind yourself that you are not a professional who specializes in treating addiction – give yourself some grace!

Enabling Your Spouse

To keep the peace, many unknowingly will begin enabling their spouse, either through enabling alcoholism or their substance addiction. Enabling your loved one can look like going to the store to purchase drinks, being in denial yourself, or fixing mistakes they have made while intoxicated.

Making Excuses for Your Spouse

It can be easy to come to your spouse’s defense and make excuses for the behavior you are witnessing. After all, they were not always like this, right? You will be tempted to make excuses for your significant other – this is a way you can remain in denial.

At our core, we want to believe our spouse could not possibly be an alcoholic or be dependent upon substances. Often, coming up with excuses will only make us feel better; It won’t help your spouse, and it will likely only end up causing more harm.

Tips for Talking to Your Spouse About Alcohol Abuse Concerns

This conversation should be approached gently, coming from a place of genuine concern. It will be a difficult conversation, and at times, you may feel at a loss – this is completely normal.

Tips on how to talk to your spouse about your concerns include:

1. Prepare for the Conversation

Consider the changes in behavior that you have been picking up on. Perhaps making a bulleted list recalling specific incidents and concerns will help remind you of talking points. Try not having this conversation over the phone, and allow for adequate time to address your concerns.

2. Stay Positive

There is likely to be some built-up anger or frustration with your spouse. The first conversation you have with your spouse concerning their alcoholism will not be the right time to discuss this. There will be time to address how their alcoholism has impacted you and to process this unresolved anger.

Remaining calm and collected will not only benefit you but allow you to revisit the conversation again should you need to. Your spouse is much more likely to be receptive if your approach remains positive and empathetic.

3. Be Specific With What You Are Concerned About

Be very direct when discussing concerns. It can be helpful to write out a bulleted list of your concerns that stem directly from your spouse’s alcoholism. Providing specific examples will aid in the conversation and decrease the chance of avoidance.

4. Offer Support

Approach the conversation with compassion and concern. You entered into this marriage because you love and care for this person – hold onto this. Phrases like, “What can I do to support you?” or “I think it is time to get some help. Can we look at some different options together?” can be supportive approaches.

5. Create a Plan for Moving Forward

You have done the hard part – talking about the problem. Now, what do we do with it? Continue the conversation and ask your spouse what type of treatment they are willing to engage in, if any. This will determine the next steps in getting your spouse help or setting more firm boundaries.

How to Help an Alcoholic Spouse

Although you are unable to solve your spouse’s drinking problem alone, there are several ways you can provide support. Dependence on alcohol is a complex problem with several contributing factors (mental health, stress, genetics, etc.), and it must be treated as such.

Ways to help an alcoholic spouse include:

Educate Yourself on Alcoholism

Increasing your understanding of alcoholism can help provide insight, increase empathy for your spouse, and demonstrate how much you care. Addiction is a disease, and once dependence on the substance is there, it is not a choice. Unfortunately, Relapse can happen, and your spouse will need support. Relapse does not indicate failure on your part or your spouse’s.

Talk to Your Spouse About Your Concerns

Reflect on specific situations or behaviors that you have noticed that are unsettling to you. Be honest and share these incidents with them so they may see things from your perspective.

Therapy for Yourself

Talking to a professional can help you navigate all of the feelings that come along with being married to someone struggling with alcoholism. A professional that specializes in addiction would be able to help you process, establish boundaries, and explore coping strategies.

Encourage Them to Try Therapy

Your spouse struggling with substance misuse would benefit from talking to a licensed professional who has experience treating addiction. There are many reasons why someone drinks to excess: to numb, aid in sleep, social pressure, coping with mental health issues, or daily life stressors.

Going to therapy would help your spouse explore why they drink in the first place. Trained professionals can utilize specific therapeutic interventions to aid in recovery from addiction.

Try Couples Therapy

Having a neutral third party to help facilitate difficult conversations can aid in preserving your relationship. Please note that the couples therapist should not be the individual therapist for either spouse.

Consider an Intervention

If your spouse has family or friends who care deeply for them, an intervention might be effective in demonstrating the severity of the situation to your spouse. An intervention can be facilitated by just family, or a helping professional may be brought in to help facilitate. Often, the goal of an intervention is to escort the loved one to treatment immediately following the intervention.

Try Tools & Apps

With advances in technology, there is now help easily accessible on phones and computers. There are apps like Reframe, Ria Health, or Workit Health that might help someone. Please note that self-help apps do not serve as a replacement for therapy.

Another tool that is fairly new is called a Sober Link. This is a small device with facial recognition that your loved one can blow into to monitor alcohol consumption. Results are sent immediately to the other party.

What to Do if Your Spouse is Resistant to Treatment

Willingness to seek treatment is essential in recovering from alcoholism and learning how to cope without the use of substances. Your spouse will likely be resistant to get help, which is completely normal. Often, this stems from denial and minimizing the severity of their drinking.

When to Seek Professional Help

Knowing when to seek professional help can be difficult to determine. It may be time to seek professional support when the drinking is interfering with daily life, such as work obligations, family, hygiene, etc. You may want to begin searching through an online therapist directory or online therapy platform for yourself, your spouse, or a couples therapist. It would be beneficial to establish care with a psychiatrist so that mental health concerns are being addressed as well. There are some online psychiatrist options that can help you find a psychiatrist who specializes in recovery from addiction.