Relationships, specifically marriage, can be challenging to navigate. When you add onto this a spouse who struggles with alcoholism, living a fulfilling life will seem impossible. Chances are, your spouse was not always like this, and all you want is to return to your previous, happy relationship. It will take time, understanding, and boundaries in order to regain the relationship you are missing.
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What to Do If Your Spouse Is an Alcoholic
If your spouse is struggling with alcoholism, it can be a challenging and overwhelming experience. While you can’t control their choices, there are steps you can take to protect your well-being and support them in their journey toward recovery.
Here are nine steps to take if your spouse is an alcoholic:
1. Acknowledge the Problem Honestly, Yet Compassionately
Set the stage for open communication without putting your spouse on the defensive. This means expressing your concerns directly using “I” statements to avoid blame, such as “I’ve noticed you’re drinking more lately, and I’m worried how it’s affecting our relationship.” The goal is to create a safe space where both of you can discuss the issue openly while maintaining empathy and understanding that your spouse may be struggling with more than just the alcohol.
2. Educate Yourself About Alcoholism
Learning about alcohol use disorder (AUD) will give you a better understanding of what your spouse is going through. Addiction is a disease, and once dependence on the substance is there, it is not a choice. By educating yourself, you can develop more realistic expectations and understand why they may engage in certain behaviors, such as hiding their drinking or making promises they can’t keep.
3. Take Care of Yourself Emotionally & Physically
It’s easy to become consumed by your spouse’s struggles, but prioritizing yourself emotionally and physically helps you stay grounded, resilient, and able to navigate this difficult situation. Taking care of yourself can look like setting boundaries, seeking support from a therapist or support group, and making time for activities that bring you joy and relaxation. It might also involve practicing self-care routines, such as exercise, meditation, or hobbies you enjoy, to maintain your emotional well-being. You can’t pour from an empty cup.
4. Set Boundaries for Your Own Well-Being
Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries helps protect your emotional health and ensures you’re not enabling harmful behavior. Boundaries might look like limiting discussions when your spouse is intoxicated, refusing to cover up or excuse their drinking, or deciding not to engage in conflict over their drinking habits. These boundaries aren’t about punishing your spouse, but are about protecting your peace and maintaining your sense of self in a challenging situation.
5. Seek Support for Yourself
Being in a relationship with an alcoholic can feel isolating, but it’s important to remember that you don’t have to go through it alone. Seeking support from others who understand what you’re going through can be a tremendous relief. Support groups like Al-Anon are specifically designed for the loved ones of alcoholics and can offer you guidance, advice, and emotional support from others who have walked a similar path.
You may also benefit from individual therapy. Talking to a mental health professional can help you navigate all of the feelings that come along with being married to someone struggling with alcoholism. They can also teach you how to manage stress, set boundaries, and maintain your mental health while supporting your spouse.
6. Encourage Professional Help, But Don’t Force It
Your spouse will greatly benefit from speaking with a licensed professional who specializes in addiction treatment. Therapy provides a safe space for your spouse to explore the root causes of their drinking, such as to numb emotional pain, manage stress, cope with mental health issues, or due to social pressures. A trained therapist can give them tools to address both the addiction and the underlying triggers.
While it’s important to encourage your spouse to seek professional help, it’s equally important to recognize that you cannot force them to do so. Recovery is a personal journey, and if your spouse is not ready to get help, pushing them may only create more resistance.
Free Worksheets for Navigating Challenging Relationships
7. Communicate Your Needs Clearly
In the midst of focusing on your spouse’s alcoholism, it’s important not to lose sight of your own needs. Be clear and direct about how their behavior is affecting you and what you need to feel supported in the relationship. This could mean asking for more open communication, discussing ways to manage the drinking in the home, or simply asking for space when things become overwhelming. Being upfront about your needs helps set the stage for a more balanced partnership.
8. Consider an Intervention
Interventions are structured conversations where loved ones come together to express their concerns and encourage the individual to seek help. The goal of an intervention is typically to motivate your spouse to accept help and immediately enter a treatment program. By offering a clear, supportive path to recovery during the intervention, you can show that they’re not alone and that help is available, without forcing them to feel cornered or shamed.
While family and friends can lead the intervention on their own, it’s often more effective to involve a professional interventionist who can guide the process and ensure that the message is delivered in a constructive, compassionate manner.
9. Prepare for Ups & Downs
The journey of addressing alcoholism is rarely straightforward. There will be moments of progress, but relapses are also part of the process. Understanding that recovery isn’t linear can help you manage your expectations and reduce frustrations. This might look like celebrating small victories while staying compassionate during difficult moments. Both you and your spouse are navigating a complex challenge, and patience with the ups and downs of the process is important.
Help for Alcohol Use
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What NOT to Do If Your Spouse Is an Alcoholic
When your spouse is struggling with alcoholism, it’s natural to want to help. Sometimes, well-meaning actions can do more harm than good. Understanding what not to do is just as important as knowing how to support them. Avoiding certain pitfalls can help protect both your spouse’s recovery journey and your own self.
Here are some things not to do if your spouse is an alcoholic:
Don’t Enable Their Drinking
To keep the peace, you may unknowingly begin enabling your spouse’s addiction, either through enabling their drinking behavior or minimizing the seriousness of the issue. Enabling can take many forms, such as going to the store to purchase alcohol for them, ignoring or downplaying the severity of their drinking, or fixing mistakes they make while intoxicated. This might feel like you’re helping in the short term, but in reality, it allows them to avoid facing the consequences of their actions and delays their realization of needing help.
Don’t Attempt to Control Their Drinking
Trying to control your spouse’s drinking by hiding bottles, monitoring their alcohol intake, or setting ultimatums can be tempting. While these actions come from a place of concern, they often lead to frustration and resentment. Alcoholism is a deeply rooted issue, and trying to control their drinking only shifts the focus away from the underlying problem. True change has to come from them, not through your control. Instead, focus on setting boundaries and encouraging professional help.
Don’t Nag or Criticize
Constantly pointing out your partner’s mistakes or bad habits can make them defensive and less likely to open up about their struggles. Criticism can fuel feelings of shame, which may drive them further into their drinking. Instead of focusing on their faults, approach conversations with empathy and concern, creating an environment where they feel safe discussing their challenges without fear of judgment.
Don’t Blame Yourself for Their Alcoholism
It’s easy to fall into the trap of blaming yourself for your spouse’s addiction, especially when you’re deeply involved in their life and affected by their drinking. You might question whether something you did or didn’t do contributed to their alcoholism, but the reality is that addiction is a complex disease, and there’s no single reason someone becomes dependent on alcohol.
Blaming yourself only adds to your stress and emotional burden, and it doesn’t help your spouse recover. It’s important to accept that you didn’t cause their alcoholism, and you won’t be the one to “fix” it. Their recovery is their responsibility, and your role is to offer support while also taking care of yourself.
Don’t Drink With Them
You might think drinking with your spouse helps to bond or avoid conflict, but this can send mixed messages. Drinking with them could unintentionally normalize or even enable their behavior, making it harder for them to see the seriousness of the problem. It’s important to set clear boundaries and model healthier coping strategies. By not participating in their drinking, you’re reinforcing the idea that alcohol isn’t a solution and helping create a clearer path toward recovery.
Don’t Argue When They’re Intoxicated
Alcohol impairs judgment and communication, making it unlikely that your message will be heard clearly or lead to productive conversation when your spouse is intoxicated and emotions are running high. Arguments during these times can escalate quickly and cause more harm than good. Instead, it’s better to wait until they’re sober, when you can both engage in a calm, rational discussion. This approach helps protect the relationship and avoids unnecessary conflict.
Don’t Make Excuses for Their Behavior
It’s natural to want to come to your spouse’s defense. You may find yourself making excuses for their drinking, telling yourself or others that they are just going through a rough patch, or that their behavior isn’t as bad as it seems. This denial can be comforting because it allows you to avoid the painful reality of their alcoholism, but in the long run, it can lead to more harm, as their drinking continues unchecked. Accepting the situation for what it is—and encouraging them to seek help—is the first step toward recovery.
Don’t Say Things You Won’t Follow Through On
Saying things you don’t intend to follow through on, like threatening to leave or setting unrealistic ultimatums, can erode trust and credibility in your relationship. While it can be tempting to make big statements in the heat of the moment, empty promises or threats can make it harder for your spouse to take future boundaries seriously. Focus on setting clear, manageable boundaries and only say what you truly intend to follow through on. This helps maintain honesty and consistency.
Don’t Cover for Financial Consequences
Stepping in to fix your spouse’s financial problems, whether it’s paying off a credit card bill or covering missed work, allows the behavior to continue unchecked and shields them from experiencing the consequences of their drinking. By letting them face the financial impacts, you create an opportunity for accountability. It can be uncomfortable, but allowing these realities to surface may motivate them to recognize the seriousness of their drinking and seek help.
Don’t Expect Immediate Change
Recovery from alcoholism is a complex and often slow process. Expecting quick results can lead to frustration and disappointment, both for you and your spouse. Look for small steps and gradual progress. Change happens over time, with setbacks often being part of the journey. Patience is key. Give your spouse space to work through their challenges and manage your own expectations along the way.
Don’t Threaten Without a Plan
Making threats like leaving or cutting off support without a clear plan only adds tension and leads to more conflict without real solutions. It’s important to think carefully before issuing ultimatums, ensure your decisions are thoughtful and supported instead of reactionary. This might include researching legal options, understanding financial implications, and making sure you have a strong support system in place. Take deliberate steps to plan appropriately, avoiding instability in an already challenging situation.
Don’t Isolate Yourself
When dealing with your spouse’s alcoholism, it’s easy to retreat into yourself and avoid opening up to others out of embarrassment or fear of judgment. Isolation only adds to the emotional toll. Seek support, whether through trusted friends, family, or a therapist, so you’re not carrying the burden alone. Keeping everything bottled up can lead to feelings of resentment and exhaustion.
Don’t Neglect Your Own Needs
While it’s natural to focus on your spouse’s recovery, it’s important not to lose yourself in the process. Whether you’re pursuing your hobbies, getting enough rest, or seeking therapy, it’s important to take time for self-care. Neglecting your own needs can lead to burnout and make it harder for you to provide support. You can’t help your spouse effectively if you’re running on empty.
How to Talk to Your Spouse About Alcohol Abuse Concerns
Addressing alcohol abuse with your spouse is a delicate and challenging conversation that requires empathy, patience, and preparation. It’s important to approach it from a place of genuine concern, understanding that it may not be resolved in one conversation. Feeling nervous or unsure during this discussion is completely normal, but with careful planning, you can help open the door to change.
Here are some tips on how to talk to your spouse about your concerns:
Choose the Right Time & Place
Timing is key. Make sure there is enough time for both of you to talk without feeling rushed. This isn’t a conversation that can be squeezed in between other commitments or done in a hurry. Additionally, choose a moment when your spouse is sober, as alcohol affects their ability to process information and engage in meaningful conversation. Both of you should also be in a calm and rested state.
The setting of the conversation can make a significant difference. Opt for a private space where both of you feel comfortable and safe. Avoid places where alcohol is easily accessible or has been associated with past drinking episodes, as this could trigger defensive reactions or temptations.
Be Direct & Specific
Before initiating the conversation, take time to reflect on specific changes in behavior that you’ve noticed. Make a list of specific incidents or patterns that have raised concerns, as this will help keep the conversation focused and factual. General statements like “You drink too much” may cause defensiveness, whereas specific examples provide clarity. Explain what you’ve noticed using examples like, “I’m concerned because I’ve seen you drink more often after work, and it seems to be affecting your sleep and mood.”
Express Your Support
It’s important that your spouse feels you are offering to support them, rather than trying to control or fix the situation. Express your love and concern, reminding your spouse that you’re coming from a place of care, not judgment. Try using supportive phrases like, “I’m worried about your health, and I want to help you through this,” or, “We can figure out the next steps together. What kind of support do you think would be most helpful?”
Stay Calm & Compassionate
It’s natural to feel frustration, anger, or hurt about how your spouse’s alcoholism has impacted you and your relationship. However, the first conversation isn’t the time to vent these feelings. Keep the focus on your spouse’s well-being and express your concern without blame or criticism. Approaching the conversation with compassion will make it easier for them to listen without becoming defensive. You can address your own emotional impact in later discussions when the situation is less charged.
Create a Plan for Moving Forward
Once you’ve discussed the issue, focus on the next steps. Ask your spouse what kind of help they might consider—whether it’s therapy, attending support groups, or seeking professional treatment. Offer to explore options together, like researching treatment facilities, attending a meeting, or contacting a therapist. Presenting a range of possibilities can reduce the overwhelming feeling of needing to change.
If your spouse is resistant to getting help, you may need to establish boundaries for yourself moving forward. This could mean defining what behaviors you can and cannot tolerate, but making sure these boundaries are clear and enforceable.
Journal Prompts for Addiction Recovery
Use these journal prompts to support your addiction recovery journey. They can help you reflect on your progress and challenges, and you can revisit them whenever you need a moment of clarity or strength.
What Should I Do If My Spouse Is Resistant to Treatment?
If your spouse is resistant to treatment, it’s important to remember that change takes time, and they may not be ready to seek help just yet. Rather than pushing them, focus on open communication, expressing your concerns in a non-judgmental way, and reinforcing that you’re there to support them when they’re ready. Sometimes, planting the seed and giving them the space to process it can be more effective than trying to force them into action.
At the same time, don’t forget to prioritize yourself. If your spouse refuses treatment, it doesn’t mean you’re stuck. You can still set boundaries that protect your emotional and physical health while encouraging professional support when appropriate. Seeking support from a therapist or a group like Al-Anon can give you the tools to navigate this difficult dynamic and make decisions that are best for you, even if your spouse isn’t ready for change.
How to Find Professional Support
Knowing when to seek professional help can be difficult to determine. It may be time to seek professional support when the drinking is interfering with daily life, such as work obligations, family, hygiene, etc. You may want to begin searching through an online therapist directory or online therapy platform for yourself, your spouse, or a couples therapist. It would be beneficial to establish care with a psychiatrist so that mental health concerns are being addressed as well. There are some online psychiatrist options that can help you find a psychiatrist who specializes in recovery from addiction.
In My Experience
“I often find myself working with individuals in recovery who have no family support due to years of burning bridges. Whenever I have the opportunity to work with a client’s family, I know just how hard this family has fought to maintain this relationship. Addiction has destroyed families, relationships, and taken lives. I want to stress that just because your spouse’s substance of choice is legal, it does not make it any less dangerous. Withdrawing from alcohol has the highest potential for fatality if not done under appropriate medical supervision.
Early intervention has been shown to be more effective in recovery from alcoholism. There should not be shame in seeking and receiving help for substance misuse. Would you shame someone for admitting to the hospital to receive chemotherapy? My guess is probably not. Viewing addiction as a disease will come from researching and furthering your education on the issue.”
Frequently Asked Questions
Signs Your Spouse May Be Struggling With Alcoholism
Some signs and symptoms that your loved one is struggling with alcoholism may be more difficult to notice compared to others. Increasing your knowledge of the disease of addiction will be essential in understanding and helping your spouse.
Common signs a spouse may have an alcohol problem include:
- Change in behavior
- The smell of alcohol on breath or items of clothing
- Deceitful behavior/catching your spouse lying
- Drinking earlier in the day
- Defensiveness around drinking behavior
- Hiding bottles or evidence of drinking (e.g. receipts)
- Troubles at work or keeping up with responsibilities
- Secret spending
What Is Alcoholism?
Alcoholism is defined by the body’s dependence on receiving substances containing alcohol and the cravings that come along with this. At first, a person may drink to feel relaxed, or perhaps they drink to numb uncomfortable feelings. At some point, they will drink to not feel sick due to the painful side effects of alcohol withdrawal. Often, the individual can not control whether or not they pick up that next drink as it has become an addiction.1
Married to an Alcoholic Infographics
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Alcohol use Disorder: A comparison between DSM–IV and DSM–5 | National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA). (n.d.). https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/brochures-and-fact-sheets/alcohol-use-disorder-comparison-between-dsm
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Author: Clare Rolquin, MSW, LCSW-A (No Change)
Reviewer: Heidi Moawad, MD (No Change)
Primary Changes: Revised sections titled “What to Do If Your Spouse Is an Alcoholic” and “What NOT to Do If Your Spouse Is an Alcoholic.” Added section titled “What Should I Do If My Spouse Is Resistant to Treatment?” New content written by Amanda Stretcher, MA, LPC-S and medically reviewed by Kristen Fuller, MD. Fact-checked and edited for improved readability and clarity.
Author: Clare Rolquin, MSW, LCSW-A
Reviewer: Heidi Moawad, MD
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