Middle Child Syndrome: What it Is & 10 Characteristics

What Is Middle Child Syndrome?

Although the term syndrome suggests that there is a medical or psychological diagnosis of middle child syndrome, it is not an actual disorder nor is there a single, accepted clinical definition for it. However, while the number of “middle children” is shrinking–as fewer babies are being born than in prior decades–this hasn’t diminished the belief that “middle child syndrome” is a real issue for those who experience it.¹ We learn a lot about relationships during our earliest years, and our relationships with siblings and parents can set the stage for all later relationships from childhood well into adulthood.

Regardless of birth order, our experiences as children will be different from those of our siblings. Firstborns get the luxury of being the “only child” for at least the better part of a year; the youngest child often receives special attention from parents and siblings due to their role as the “baby” in the family lineup. The youngest children also get to be “only children” once all of their siblings have moved out. Middle children, though, are doomed to be stuck in the middle, and have to work harder to be the center of their parents’ attention. They may feel neglected by others and obliged to maintain a peacekeeper’s role between their siblings. Being aware of their place within a family may greatly impact some children and shape the way they engage in relationships throughout their lives.

Is Middle Child Syndrome Real?

If you ask a middle child if the syndrome is real, most likely you will get a resounding “yes.” This concept has been around for over a century, ever since psychologist Alfred Adler shared his observations about the role of birth order on personality traits and interpersonal behavior.² Adler believed that a child’s position in the family constellation– a term that describes the relative position of each family member–dictated how that child was treated and how they developed.

It’s also been suggested that siblings work hard to distinguish themselves from one another, something Adler called de-identification. This may contribute to middle children feeling compelled to behave and be seen as different from their older and younger siblings. This contributes to the sense of separateness that is a hallmark of middle child syndrome.

10 Characteristics of Middle Children

Compared to their siblings, middle children may be much more agreeable and easygoing in life. They are more extroverted, as well.³ They don’t have to lead the pack, and they don’t get the “babying” that their younger siblings do. This allows them a bit more freedom to be themselves. In some cases, though, they may feel lost within the family. However, their relaxed nature may also give them strong negotiating skills, among others.

Here are 10 common characteristics of middle children:

1. High sense of independence: Middle children often get lost in the shuffle. For instance, older children push boundaries that require parents to interfere, and younger children need more care and attention. Thus, middle children have more time to follow their own lead, without being noticed by parents.
2. Feelings of alienation: With oldest siblings getting the spotlight for their achievements, and the younger siblings getting attention because of their youth, middle children can feel that they don’t belong. Because of this, a sense of alienation from the family can develop.
3. Competitive: Feeling like “number two” in the family, when there’s a number three right on your heels, can drive a middle child to be highly competitive with their siblings. The need to stand out can be strong, and it can translate into rivalry across multiple situations, from academic performance to athletics to vying for parental attention.
4. Risk taking: With parents’ attention on the oldest and the youngest children, the middle child may have more freedom to engage in risk-taking behavior. Children naturally push boundaries, but when parental controls loosen, middle children may push even further.
5. Strong social skills: Middle children have to learn how to get along with adults, older kids, and younger kids; they tend to develop these skills early on.
6. Strong sharing behaviors: Because middle children enter a family that’s already been established, they learn quickly how to get along with others. They come into the world having to share everything from toys to their parents’ attention. When the next child comes along, middle children are well practiced in the art of sharing and negotiation.
7. Peacemakers: Middle children are often the go-between between older and younger siblings, or between the parents and siblings. They learn how to keep everyone calm, cool, and collected in order to maximize harmony.
8. Low self-esteem: Because these children may feel left out, there’s a risk of low self-esteem and feeling “not good enough.” This can either drive efforts to prove themselves or lead them to feel their accomplishments don’t matter.
9. Flexible: Middle children may feel it’s not worth the fight to try and get their own way. Therefore, they may be highly flexible and willing to “go with the flow”.
10. Friendship skills: Middle children often make strong alliances with agemates and peers, because they may feel that they don’t fit in at home. They understand the value of connection; their friendships may be exceptionally strong, as friends may fill in for family.

Middle Child Personality into Adulthood

As middle children grow into adolescents and adults, the traits that may be attributed to their birth order can deepen in both positive and negative ways. Their independent spirit may serve them well in careers that require independent work, and their flexibility may help them move between teamwork and individual work with the same level of dedication and expertise.

Middle children also make excellent friends, as they often value friendship ties as much as–if not more than–their family relationships. Moreover, their flexibility and negotiation skills pay off in business relationships as well as romantic relationships. When a middle child learns that getting their own way isn’t a given, they may be less likely to force issues in romantic relationships, and recognize the value of compromise more than others.

Unfortunately, their sense of alienation and low self-esteem may be challenging in adulthood. However, when they apply themselves and bring their best traits to relationships, the positive response of others can help to diminish these less desirable traits.

Other Factors that Affect the Personalities of Middle Children

It’s important to realize that it’s not just nature, but also nurture, that significantly shapes the behavior and dispositions of middle children.

Factors that influence the personalities of middle children include:

• Parenting styles: Parents tend to have more anxiety and work harder to “get it right” with their firstborn. Their anxiety and stress are lessened by the time the next child is added to the family. Middle children have “different” parents in many ways than their siblings.
• Environment: With three or more children in a family, the atmosphere may be less settled and more dynamic than with just one or two children. This may result in less structure, leaving the middle child feeling less engaged in the family.
• Cultural background: In some cultures, firstborns receive the greatest share of attention, as well as have the most significant burdens related to achievement placed on them. This diverts attention from the later born siblings, including middle children.
• Gender: If a middle child doesn’t share the gender identity of the oldest or youngest, they may be treated more unique than other middleborns. For example, they might be treated as if they were the oldest. In cases where the middleborn shares the older child’s gender identity, they may always feel second best; if they share the younger sibling’s gender identity, the middleborn may also be treated as the oldest.
• Genetic makeup: Some children, regardless of birth order, may be more extroverted or introverted than their siblings; they may be more or less sociable and/or independent than their siblings. In some cases, a middle child may sublimate their true nature to fit into the family. But, once grown, their personal preferences and tendencies may shift significantly when they are free to be themselves.

Final Thoughts

They say that every sibling is born into a different family, because each new addition changes the family dynamics in unpredictable ways. Birth order can play a role in the development of a child’s personality, based on how their parents and their siblings interact with them. Not only are there potential disadvantages in being a middleborn, there are also significant advantages, including being raised by more experienced parents; getting early lessons in sharing; and enjoying the freedom to create their own unique identity to stand out from the crowd.