Permissive parenting involves abundant parental love and warmth but a lack of boundaries, rules, and expectations. Often, children view these parents as friends rather than authority figures. Because of the absence of monitoring and control over behavior, children of permissive parents may be prone to acting out or engaging in risky behaviors.
What Is Permissive Parenting?
Permissive parenting–also referred to as passive, lax, or indulgent parenting–is a parenting style that involves high parental support, responsiveness, and nurturing with nominal structure or control.1 These parents make few demands of their children and enforce little punishment. Children of permissive parents may view their parents as easy-going, lenient, and fun. However, this parenting style fails to teach children essential life skills, like following rules and respecting authority.
“Permissive parenting involves parents providing high levels of support and warmth to their children while having very low expectations of them. These parents have a hard time setting limits and holding boundaries, often feeling as though they have to do something their child is insisting upon, and as if they don’t have a choice – the parent consistently gives in to the child’s demands.” – Dr. Nanika Coor, New York-based clinical psychologist and respected parenting therapist and consultant at Brooklyn Parent Therapy
Characteristics of Permissive Parenting
Permissive parents are highly responsive to their children but do not provide structure in terms of discipline. While these parents are warm and loving, they indulge children without setting rules or limits. They may appear more like friends than parents because they often fail to establish consequences or punishments for misbehavior.
Characteristics of permissive parenting include:
- Expressing love and warmth toward children
- Providing support and responding to children’s needs
- Lack of structure or routine
- Having few or no rules and expectations for children
- Providing little guidance for children when it comes to making decisions
- Failing to hold limits by giving in to children’s requests
- Inability to say “no” to children
- No consequences for bad behavior
- Prioritizing being liked by children over limit-setting
Examples of Permissive Parenting
Permissive parenting examples could include letting your children off the hook after telling them to do their chores, saying “no” to your child when they want to do something inappropriate but then immediately giving in, or failing to set appropriate limits and boundaries with older children.
Examples of a permissive parenting style include:
- Giving in to tantrums: Permissive parents of toddlers struggle to maintain rules. They may unintentionally reinforce negative behaviors, like temper tantrums, by giving in when their children resist their limits.
- Allowing children to make their own food choices: A permissive parent may say ‘no’ if their child asks for dessert before dinner. However, they give in to the request when the child pushes back. The child then learns that crying, arguing, or acting out will be rewarded by getting what they want.
- Allowing school-aged children to determine routines: A permissive parent may “wing it” by allowing their child to create their own schedules. For example, children may not have a set bedtime or routine.
- Letting teenagers engage in risky behavior: Permissive parents of teenagers may fail to set limits around alcohol, drug use, sex, and other potentially dangerous behaviors. For instance, a permissive parent may allow their teen to drink alcohol with friends at home because this is “safer” than their teen drinking elsewhere.
Effects of Permissive Parenting on Children
Research suggests that permissive parental behavior can negatively affect children and contribute to anxiety, depression, social isolation, and poor academic performance.2,3 However, potential benefits of permissive parenting include increased self-esteem and creativity.
Dr. Coor states, “Children of permissive parents have more difficulty regulating their emotions, taking the perspective of others, and controlling their impulses. These kids are more likely to be overweight and also more likely to struggle socially and lack confidence in their abilities.”
Negative Effects of Permissive Parenting
A child raised by permissive and indulgent parents may have difficulty controlling their behavior and respond negatively to rules. They may act out at school or engage in delinquent activities. Additionally, children of permissive parents have a tendency to be more open to substance or alcohol experimentation.
Possible consequences of permissive parenting include:
- Poor decision-making skills: Children start to develop decision making abilities in early childhood. If parents are permissive and don’t model solid boundaries and decision making skills they are less apt to learn them.
- Delinquency: Researchers drew a direct link between permissive parenting and delinquency. “Delinquent behaviors in adolescence stem, in part, from parental permissiveness, and affiliation with deviant peers.4
- Substance use: Children of permissive parents are more apt to engage in substance abuse behaviors and peer pressures, connected to a lack of setting and enforcing rules.
- Poor time-management skills: Children of permissive parents have difficulty self-regulating and disciplining themselves later in life due to lack of structure and guidelines at home.
- Depression: There are links to permissive parenting and childhood depression. These children can have lower self esteem, less self awareness, and reduced ability to regulate their emotions.
- Anxiety disorders: Children of permissive parents are at higher risk for childhood anxiety because if they don’t get what they want or they are in emotionally charged situations they can’t cope and become anxious, frustrated or angry.
- Poor emotional intelligence: Emotional intelligence is the ability to manage and express emotions. When parents offer little or no guidance or direct interventions, it impedes the child’s ability to develop emotional intelligence.
Positive Effects of Permissive Parenting
There are also some advantages for children raised in a permissive family. Children of permissive parents tend to have higher self-esteem than those with authoritarian or neglectful parents.5
Positive effects of permissive parenting may include:
- Improved self-esteem: Permissive parents send a message of overall acceptance with limited criticism of what their children do. This approach can enhance their child’s self esteem.
- Increased creativity: When children are not told what to do or how to do it they can become more creative. When they are not criticized or influenced in a specific direction their creativity and curiosity can escalate.
- Self-assurance: Children of permissive parents are often supported in trying new things and free expression. They are shown acceptance for their efforts. This can support higher self-assurance.
- Positive parent-child relationship: Permissive parents are very loving, affectionate, and accepting of their children. This can create strong familial bonds.
- Increased openness to exploration: The permissive parenting style supports children’s freedom to try new things without a fear of criticism or punishment.
Permissive Vs. Other Parenting Styles
There are four types of parenting styles that are based on the work of child psychologist Diana Baumrind and a research team at Stanford, namely Eleanor Maccoby and John Martin. They noted that each of these parenting approaches resulted in different behaviors and personality characteristics in children. The parenting styles they highlighted are permissive, authoritative, neglectful, and authoritarian.
Permissive Parenting Vs. Authoritarian Parenting
Permissive parents are very child-driven. They are reluctant to have their children abide by rules. They also try to avoid conflict with their children. They focus on showing their children acceptance, love, and warmth. Authoritarian parents are more parent-driven. They create specific rules and guidelines that are heavily enforced and must be obeyed. They incorporate discipline and punishments as ways to maintain control.
Permissive Parenting Vs. Authoritative Parenting
There are distinct differences between permissive child rearing and authoritative parenting. Authoritative parents blend a parenting style offering warmth and support with expectations of achievement and performance. They set and enforce rules with explanations, discussing their rationale with their children.
Permissive Parenting Vs. Uninvolved Parenting
Unlike permissive parents who demonstrate warmth and caring, neglectful or uninvolved parents are absent from their children’s lives and indifferent to their needs. They offer little or no guidance or emotional support. Children with these types of parents tend to have more challenges with their relationships and their lives. They are unable to regulate their emotions and have higher rates of substance misuse and mental health issues. They also can display higher levels of delinquency and behavioral problems.
How to Change If You’re a Permissive Parent
Being too permissive or indulgent can prevent children from learning critical life skills. A permissive parent-child relationship may prove beneficial in some ways. However, adopting a more authoritative approach may improve your parenting skills.
Dr. Coor states, “As a permissive parent, you already prioritize giving your children lots of connection and support. So remember that you can’t pour from an empty cup. Sometimes self-care means holding your personal boundaries, even if your kiddo doesn’t like it. Set the limits you need to set and hold space for any upset feelings your child may have about it. Not only are you asserting your own boundaries and accepting (and surviving!) your child’s big feelings, but you’re also modeling for your children how to do both of those things for themselves as they grow and develop.”
Below are tips for addressing permissive parenting tendencies:
- Set rules for your children to follow: Rules and limits are necessary for helping children understand expectations and how to behave appropriately in various settings.
- Communicate your expectations: Be clear about how you expect children to behave. Tailor how you communicate these with age-appropriate language. For example, use simple words with younger children and more in-depth explanations for older children.
- Stick to your limits: Children may resist your rules, but this does not mean you should give in. If you do, children will learn they can bend the rules by pushing back. Instead, hold to your limits despite your children’s responses.
- Reward good behaviors: Positive reinforcement is a powerful tool and may be more effective than punishment. It involves rewarding children for good behaviors rather than focusing on their bad behaviors. For instance, you can praise your child when they do well on a test at school or complete their chores.
- Guide children through making decisions: Providing guidance is especially helpful as your children age and make difficult decisions. Rather than telling children what to do, help them think through their different options. If your teen must choose between several colleges, you can help them brainstorm what each school would be like, write out a list of the pros and cons, and compare each option.
- Maintain your authority as a parent: Remember that you are a parent, not a friend. Though you love and care for your children, your family needs rules, expectations, and limits. These allow children to learn skills that will benefit them throughout their lives as they grow and develop.
How Therapy Can Help If You’re a Permissive Parent
Permissive parents who want help changing their parenting style can benefit from therapy. Therapy teaches parents how to set rules and follow through with discipline. Be sure to seek a therapist specializing in parenting issues.
Ask your healthcare provider, family members, or friends for recommendations if you are interested in finding a therapist who focuses on parent coaching. You can also use an online therapist directory, which allows you to search for a provider who matches your needs and availability.
Below are therapy options for permissive parents:
- Group therapy: Group therapy offers a space to give and receive advice on parenting issues and learn skills.
- Individual therapy: Individual therapy offers an opportunity to explore how your childhood influences your current parenting style and can provide insight into how to parent your children more effectively.
- Family therapy: Family therapy allows you to work on changing unhealthy family dynamics. In family therapy, the therapist can witness your interactions and address negative communication and behavior in the moment.
- Parent-child interaction therapy: Parent-child interaction therapy (PCIT) can help you improve your parenting skills and relationship with your child.6 This approach focuses on instilling appropriate discipline, setting healthy limits, and supporting your child’s confidence.
Final Thoughts
While children of permissive, lenient parents may feel loved and cared for, the lack of rules and expectations can lead to problematic behaviors. Consider seeing a therapist who specializes in parenting if you struggle to parent effectively. Therapy can help you grow as a parent.
