Stranger anxiety is a fear of unfamiliar people that typically begins around 9 to 10 months of age.1 While stranger anxiety is normal and usually goes away on its own as children grow older, there are steps that you can take to help your child cope with their fear and successfully transition through this developmental stage.
What Is Stranger Anxiety?
Stranger anxiety is a fear of people other than the child’s primary caregivers, which is a natural stage of development for babies and toddlers.1 Children may become upset, tearful, and apprehensive when around or left with other unfamiliar children and adults. They may cling to their parents or caregivers and refuse to be held by others.
Children can also experience stranger anxiety when around people that they know but do not see often, like grandparents and other relatives. Interestingly, babies tend to show stronger fear reactions to adults rather than other babies or children, so you may notice that your child is unaffected when around kids their own age.2
Why Does It Happen?
Young children lack the ability to understand the role of a stranger. For example, if a child is left with a babysitter or nanny, they may not comprehend that their parent will return shortly. Parents of babies and young toddlers also cannot communicate with their children about the stranger’s intentions, which makes it scarier for the child. The child’s immediate reaction, therefore, is fear.
While stranger anxiety can be distressing, it is a normal developmental stage.1 Many children show at least some signs of stranger anxiety at some point in their early development. Over time, most children gradually become less fearful around unfamiliar people.
As children grow older, parents can also communicate with them about why the stranger is there and for how long. If the parent is leaving, they can explain where they are going and when they will return. This can be relieving to children, who now have a greater understanding of the stranger’s role and therefore may experience less anxiety.
At What Age Does Stranger Anxiety Develop?
Stranger anxiety typically begins around 9 to 10 months old, but may begin as early as 6 months old.1,5 Prior to this age, babies may be comfortable around most people and do not seem particularly distressed by strangers or separation.6
During this time, babies may range in the intensity of their fear of strangers. For example, some children may appear mildly uncomfortable or upset when around unfamiliar people, while other children may cry, throw a tantrum, and appear inconsolable. At this age babies may be shy around unfamiliar people, cry when their parents leave, and prefer their mother, father, or another consistent caregiver over other people. All of these reactions at this age are normal and developmentally appropriate.
How Long Does Stranger Anxiety Typically Last?
Stranger anxiety usually lasts until around 2 to 3 years old.5 Over time, most children gradually become more comfortable with unfamiliar people, especially as they come into contact with more adults and children. As children grow older, they often become less fearful of strangers and more fearful of other things, like certain animals, the dark, and masked characters such as clowns or Santa Claus.
While most children experience less stranger anxiety as time goes on, other children may continue to experience fear around strangers or in public settings. These children may be showing signs of social anxiety disorder, which is a condition that involves excessive fear and discomfort in social situations.4,5
Children with social anxiety disorder often worry about being judged or embarrassed while around other people, and either avoid social situations or endure them with intense anxiety. This condition can lead to refusal to attend school or participate in activities with other children. If you think your child might be experiencing an excessive amount of anxiety, do not hesitate to share your concerns with their pediatrician.
Stranger Anxiety vs. Separation Anxiety
Children with stranger anxiety are mainly afraid of other people, while children with separation anxiety are afraid of being away from their primary caregivers.3 Children often experience both types of anxiety at the same time. Both separation and stranger anxiety are normal during the first few years of life and may present with similar symptoms.
However, if either type of anxiety continues into later childhood and interferes with a child’s ability to engage in normal and developmentally appropriate activities, like attending school or going on playdates with other children, then this is a sign of an anxiety disorder that may require further help and treatment.
Like stranger anxiety, separation anxiety is a normal developmental stage that most children experience. It typically begins around 6 to 8 months of age, peaks around 13 to 18 months, and then gradually subsides as children grow older. At some point during toddlerhood, most children become more comfortable when separated from their caregivers. However, some children may continue to experience separation anxiety well into childhood, which can make the transition to school difficult.
What Causes Stranger Anxiety?
Around 8 months old, babies experience significant growth and changes that contribute to the development of stranger anxiety.6 At this age, babies begin to differentiate between what is familiar and what is unfamiliar. They also develop object permanence, which is the understanding that an object or person still exists even if it is not visible.
At this age, babies begin to understand that you are somewhere else when they cannot see you. At the same time, they cannot yet understand where you have gone, when you will return, and with whom you are leaving them. This can cause babies significant distress when exposed to strangers or separation from their caregivers.
As babies grow older, they begin to develop a self-concept and an understanding that you, the caregiver, are a separate and unique person.6 Over time, this will help your child separate from you and adjust to meeting new people. Remember that these emotional milestones are all normal and healthy signs of your baby’s development.
Common Signs of Stranger Anxiety
Children with stranger anxiety will appear anxious and fearful in the presence of unfamiliar people, like a new babysitter or even family members that they do not see frequently. Like other types of anxiety in children, children with stranger anxiety may feel worried and scared. They may have a hard time expressing how they are feeling because of their young age, and their inability to communicate their distress can be upsetting and confusing for both children and their parents.
Babies and children may show different signs of stranger anxiety. For example, some children could be more quiet and withdrawn, while others might express their fear through crying and clinging. Your child’s temperament and personality may affect how their stranger anxiety presents itself.
Common signs of stranger anxiety in babies and toddlers include:1,2,5
- Crying
- Irritability or fussiness
- Temper tantrums
- Appearing quiet or shy
- Avoiding eye contact
- Running away or hiding
- Clinging to parents or other primary caregivers
Most children show signs of stranger anxiety at some point between the ages of 6 months and 3 years old.5 By age 3, most children grow out of stranger anxiety and feel more comfortable around people other than their primary caregivers. However, in some cases children may continue to show signs of stranger anxiety, which may be an indication of social anxiety disorder.
Signs that your child may be experiencing social anxiety include:4
- A fear of social situations where a child will be around strangers or subjected to scrutiny (such as in the case of public speaking)
- The child is concerned that they may be embarrassed or humiliated in front of strangers
- When exposed to the social situation, the child experiences significant anxiety and possibly panic attack symptoms (such as racing heart, difficulty breathing, sweating, and nausea)
- The child either avoids social situations or goes through them but experiences significant distress
- The child’s anxiety interferes with their normal routine, ability to go to school, and/or maintain relationships
- The anxiety is present for at least 6 months
7 Practical Ways to Help Your Child Cope With Stranger Anxiety
Seeing your baby or child struggle with stranger anxiety can be upsetting. You may be wondering what you can do to help ease their anxiety and guide them through this developmental stage. As a parent or caregiver, there are many ways to help your child cope with stranger anxiety, like introducing them to a variety of people early on in their life and staying calm yourself during situations with new people.
Here are seven ways to help manage your child’s stranger anxiety:
1. Expose Your Baby to New People From an Early Age
Having your baby become familiar with new faces early on can help your child deal with stranger anxiety in the future. From a young age, make an effort to introduce your child to unfamiliar people while you are present. Be sure to get the greenlight from your pediatrician first, as newborns may be too young to expose to too many people.
When it is deemed safe, you can wear your baby in a carrier or take them in a stroller and cruise the park, mall, or another setting where your child can make eye contact with others. You can encourage your baby to smile and interact with other people and model healthy social interactions for them. Exposing your baby to new people will help them become more comfortable in social settings, which will benefit them as they grow older.
2. Introduce Your Child to New Caregivers Slowly
When it comes to helping your baby adjust to a new babysitter, nanny, or daycare provider, taking it slow is key. When leaving your child with a new caregiver for the first time, ask them to arrive at least 30 minutes early so your child has time to interact with them while you are present.
Ask the caregiver to gradually interact with the child, rather than jump into it. For example, you can start out by greeting the caregiver so your child sees that this is a person that you trust. From there you might all start playing together and slowly back away so that your child and the caregiver can interact on their own. When saying goodbye, avoid sneaking away or drawing the goodbye out too long. Instead, give your child a kiss goodbye, let them know when you will return, and leave.
Also, be sure that your child is not hungry or tired when you are trying to leave them with another person. Hunger and fatigue can make their anxiety worse, which can lead to a stronger reaction to separation.
3. Offer Empathy & Reassurance
When your child is showing distress in the presence of strangers, you can help soothe them by remaining calm yourself and offering comforting actions and words. For example, you can hold your child close to you, rub their back, and remind them that they are safe with you. Maintain a calm and soothing tone of voice.
You can also help your child calm down by temporarily stepping away from the stressful situation so that you can be alone together. During this time, offer a lot of physical and emotional comfort and support. Once your child has calmed down, slowly ease back into the social situation.
4. Watch Your Tone & Language
Avoid statements like “don’t be afraid” or “stop crying.” While you may mean well, these statements can make your child feel like their feelings are misunderstood. Instead, stick to phrases that provide empathy (an understanding of their emotional experience) and reassurance (the reminder that they will be okay and you are there for them). For example, “you’re scared by all of these people, so we will stay over here until you feel better.”
5. Educate Others About Stranger Anxiety
One of the most challenging aspects of stranger anxiety is helping other people understand your child’s reactions. Sometimes friends, family, and strangers may misunderstand your child’s reactions and feel hurt or offended. This provides an opportunity to educate them on stranger anxiety and ways that they can help support your child through this developmental stage.
You can explain that stranger anxiety is normal, typically goes away by 2 to 3 years old, and is simply a sign of your baby’s development. You can also offer them tips for how to handle it. For example, you can ask them to keep somewhat of a distance and remain calm to avoid overwhelming your baby.
If they will be taking care of your child on their own, you can ask that they come over early and spend some time gradually introducing themselves while you are present. If your baby continues to appear fearful around them, ask them to remain patient and remember that it is a process that takes time.
6. Avoid Putting Pressure on Your Child
Remember that learning how to cope with stranger anxiety is a process for your baby and will not happen overnight. Some children will adjust more easily, while others will take longer. Continue to practice introducing them to strangers while offering lots of comfort and reassurance, but avoid pushing too hard. It may be that they need a little while longer to develop the skills to cope with unfamiliar people.
If you have concerns that your child’s anxiety is getting worse, do not hesitate to bring up your concerns with their pediatrician.
7. Remain Calm Yourself
Stranger anxiety is stressful for not only the baby, but also the parent. You may find yourself feeling concerned, overwhelmed, and upset by your child’s reaction to strangers. If this is the case, remember that this stage is normal and will likely resolve within a few years or less.
Be sure to take time to engage in your own self-care when possible. Remember, a calm parent is a good model for an anxious child. Your baby will be influenced by your energy, so remaining calm yourself can help reduce your child’s anxiety. Breathe and remember that “this too shall pass.”
What If My Child’s Stranger Anxiety Does Not Improve?
If your child is at least 3 years old and continues to show signs of stranger anxiety that is affecting different areas of their lives, like preventing them from attending school or socializing with other kids, then your child can benefit from further evaluation and possibly treatment. You can start by bringing up your concerns to your child’s pediatrician. They can help determine if your child’s symptoms are normal for their age or a sign of another anxiety disorder.
If your child is suffering from another anxiety disorder, there are different types of treatments available, including therapy and sometimes medication:5
Therapy
Therapy is the first approach to anxiety treatment among children, with medications used when symptoms are causing major impairment.5 Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a type of talk therapy that can help your child think differently about their fears and learn tools, like relaxation and calming strategies, to help decrease their anxiety on their own. Younger children may participate in play therapy, which utilizes therapeutic toys to help children work through their fears. Children can translate what they learn during play therapy to their lives outside of therapy.
Therapy with children typically involves parent involvement, since parents play such a large role in their children’s lives.5 Therapy will help you learn ways to support your child and help them work through their anxiety at home.
Parent Coaching
Parent coaching is a short-term approach to helping parents deal with any mental health or developmental needs that their child may have. It involves one or both caregivers working with the coach to develop new skills to help their child and their family unit as a whole.
Medication
Medications may be prescribed if your child’s symptoms are causing significant problems in their life and are limiting their ability to benefit from talk therapy or if symptoms are not improving with psychotherapy alone. Anti-anxiety medications and certain antidepressants can help alleviate some of your child’s symptoms.7 Your child’s pediatrician or psychiatrist can help you determine if medications are appropriate for your child depending on the severity of problems caused by the anxiety disorder.
