Yelling at your kids can have long term impacts on their overall health and development. Admittedly, yelling at kids in moments of frustration or difficulty is oftentimes one of the most common discipline tactics used by parents in order to bring about correction and compliance. When this form of discipline is used frequently, overtime, it does not yield correction or positive change in behavior.
Furthermore, children who are frequently yelled at are reported to have depressive and anxiety symptoms, as well as aggression and other deviant behaviors leading to larger problems in the home and academic settings. Choosing alternative ways and styles of disciplining, that are fair yet supportive, can produce better outcomes for children and their parents.
Why Is Yelling the Wrong Approach?
The parent-child relationship is one that represents a rank-and-file system. A system in which children quickly learn there is a power structure in place with rules and consequences for breaking them. Children in a structure where yelling is used as a consequence to enforce rules quickly learn and internalize a “one-down” position—a sense that their identity is defective and not worth respect.
Harsh verbal discipline creates aggressive and non-compliant behaviors in children of all ages, according to psychological research, and studies have shown the harmful effects as well as the ineffectiveness of this form of discipline.1 One of the key concerns indicated is the increased aggression and rebellion from children. This in turn elicits increased harsh verbal discipline by parents, which can progress into physical discipline, like spanking and other forms of physical violence.
In a 2003 nationally represented study, it is reported that 90% of American parents had one or more occurrences of verbal discipline toward children of all ages.2 This study also indicated that how parents and children behave toward each other impacts everyone. Harsh verbal discipline incites equivalent behaviors with the potential for other aggressive behaviors. Children who experience harsh verbal discipline often end up feeling rejection, lack of support and respect, and feelings of worthlessness. Children’s internalization of these experiences leads to the development of an overall negative view of self.
Continued use of harsh verbal discipline is said to be a psychological force which causes a child to experience emotional pain or discomfort in order to achieve correction or to control some form of misbehavior. Some examples of this include:
- Verbal Intimidation (shouting, yelling, screaming)
- Vulgar language (Swearing or cursing)
- Humiliation (Calling the child dumb, lazy, or something derogatory)
Yelling & Authoritarian Parenting
This way of disciplining is associated with a parenting style that is authoritarian rather than authoritative. Parents who identify with an authoritarian style focus more on “giving orders,” while authoritative parents often “give options,” providing respect to children and allowing for better communication between parents and children.
5 Ways to Stop Yelling at Your Kids
Parenting practices have a direct impact on children’s psychological well-being, so if you catch yourself yelling at your child(ren) frequently, consider their long-term health, as well as the relationship that you’re building with them.
1. Understand Your Child’s Behavior
According to psychologists, children’s misbehaviors are goal-directed, meaning there is an underlying need to be identified, understood, and attended to. The use of harsh verbal discipline makes this impossible. Child psychologists state that children’s misbehavior generally falls into the four following areas:
- Power
- Attention
- Revenge
- Display of inadequacy
With these in mind, parents can begin to identify, understand, and appropriately attend to their children.
2. Pause Before Responding to Them
Pausing and taking a deep breath gives space between what is happening and your response, giving yourself a chance to center your emotions and ability to respond rationally and appropriately rather than being reactive. Perhaps even taking a “time-out” for yourself if things are too heated to discuss that moment.
3. Use Positive Self-Talk
Remind yourself of the truth and your child’s perspective with, “This too shall pass,” “I am o.k.,” “This is temporary,” or “did she have a bad day today?” Being able to challenge your thoughts and feelings helps to clarify your response. The contrary will place you in a reactive position.
4. Talk to Another Adult
Talk to your spouse, friend, or relative about your feelings. Having a separate outlet where you can “dump” and then process your feelings can put you in the right state of mind for talking to your child, and finding healthy ways to discipline them when necessary.
5. Shift Your Perspective Toward Your Child
With the other steps in place, you are well positioned to be able to listen with openness to your child. This shows respect and support! Listening to your child and understanding their perspective can help you problem-solve together, and you can determine if any further discipline is necessary after understanding their side of things.
How Therapy or Parent Coaching Can Help
Family therapists and parent coaches are professionals who can provide objective and practical guidance and solutions to change unhealthy parenting habits, including those that involve harsh verbal discipline. The family therapist will fulfill key roles such as being a facilitator, advocate, and educator in order to improve your family’s dynamic.
Assess & Facilitate
The needs of the children and the parents will need to be uncovered to understand the skills and resources needed to bring a resolution. In some cases, parents have deficits of maturity. These deficits show up in parents not having appropriate skills to handle their children during difficult situations. This results in the use of yelling, “put-downs,” and threats instead of firm yet supportive behaviors. With these experiences, children lack autonomy and a strong sense of self. These deficits and needs will be unveiled in the assessment phase.
Advocate & Intervene
The advocate role allows for space to be created so that children can express their needs and concerns without being threatened or intimidated. A family therapist gets to “join” the family and support the child and parent and advocate for them to express the needs that are being overlooked in the home.
Educate
The family therapist has the unique opportunity to provide psychoeducation about children’s social and emotional developmental needs. If not properly recognized by parents, these needs can be a source of conflict as children go through adolescent and teen years. Psychoeducation gives parents understanding about their need to adjust their parenting style, and more importantly, how they can change as children age.
When Is It Appropriate to Yell?
While science, most experts, and social institutions agree that yelling or shouting at children is harmful, other experts say it’s ok to yell—in the appropriate circumstances. While yelling at children does not motivate them to change or correct their behavior, a raised voice allows parents to communicate their frustration or feelings. However, even if you do raise your voice at your child, you should always refrain from name-calling, humiliation, and threats.
Some advocates of “parental expression” highlight that parents need room to be authentic in their parenting and communication. In this way, parents get to express themselves rather than suppressing their emotions. Subsequently, they get to show their children the impacts of their misbehavior on others. This aspect of their humanity will hopefully motivate the behavior change in their children in certain circumstances and when not overused. .
On the other hand, the need for a child to change a particular behavior can be a matter of life and death, like if a child is running in the street chasing after a soccer ball. This is clearly a moment of danger that can be life threatening or altering. A parent yelling, “Tommy, stop! Leave the ball!” signals danger to the child and gets their attention. The key here is the context. Or, if you’re at your child’s soccer game, yelling and cheering for your child or the team is a normal reaction. Clearly, in this setting this type of response shows support, approval, and excitement. Again, context and audience matter!
Final Thoughts
The overwhelming evidence points to the harmful effects of yelling when used in arrangements that do not require a raised voice. While yelling does not define any parent as “bad,” it does signal the need for support and possibly other resources. Parenting in a way that is respectful, fair, and supportive is possible. With practice and guidance from other parents, parent support groups, or a licensed professional, you can achieve a more harmonious relationship with your children.
For Further Reading
How to Stop Yelling at Your Kids Infographics
