Many parents lose their temper with their children from time to time. While yelling at your kids may seem like appropriate discipline in the moment, this does not yield correction or a positive behavior change. Learning to stop yelling at your kids starts by recognizing your triggers, understanding typical child behavior, and taking responsibility.
Why Do I Keep Yelling At My Kids?
You may find yourself yelling at your kids for various reasons. One key factor can trace back to your own parents’ communication methods. You may unconsciously mimic behaviors, such as yelling, based on how your parents raised you.
Your mental and emotional states also play a crucial role. Stress from work, financial pressure, or even marital problems can inadvertently make you lash out at your kids. As adults, we balance numerous responsibilities simultaneously, causing frustration that influences how we respond to our children.
Is Yelling at My Kids Ever Appropriate?
While science, many experts, and social institutions agree that yelling or shouting at children is harmful, other professionals say that yelling is okay—in the appropriate circumstances. While yelling at children does not motivate them to change or correct their behavior, a raised voice allows parents to communicate in certain situations.
For example, the need for a child to change a particular behavior can be a matter of life and death. Moments of danger, such as a child running out in the street, warrant raised voices and yelling. A parent shouting, “Get out of the road!” signals danger to the child and gets their attention. On the other hand, yelling and cheering for your child is a normal reaction at their soccer game. The key here is context.
Is Yelling Equivalent to Spanking?
Studies suggest that yelling at children can cause damaging effects similar to physical punishments like spanking. While spanking can affect a child’s brain development, researchers claim that shouting could be as harmful as hitting or spanking, potentially leading to long-term effects for your family.1
Both yelling and spanking are destructive disciplinary tactics that may promote violence in children.1 Parents should be aware of these findings and understand the potential consequences of harsh discipline on emotional and psychological child development.
Why Is Yelling the Wrong Approach?
The parent-child relationship represents a system in which children learn there are rules and consequences for breaking them. Children raised by parents who use yelling as discipline learn and internalize a “one-down” position—a sense that their identity is defective and not worth respect.
According to psychological research, harsh verbal discipline creates aggressive and non-compliant behaviors in children of all ages.2 One of the primary concerns indicated is increased aggression and rebellion in children. These behaviors elicit increased verbal discipline by parents, which can progress into physical punishment like spanking and other forms of physical violence.
Yelling at your kids will not solve the issues at hand. Instead, extreme parental discipline incites equivalent behaviors in children with the potential for other aggressive behaviors. Additionally, children are likely to experience feelings of rejection and worthlessness. Your children may internalize your behavior, possibly contributing to a negative self-image.
How to Stop Yelling at Your Kids: 17 Helpful Tips
Your parenting practices directly impact your children. Consider their long-term health and your relationship if you catch yourself yelling often. Learn more about normal child behavior and plan for moments of frustration.
Below are 17 tips on how to stop yelling at your kids:
1. Shift Your Perspective Toward Your Child
Shifting your perspective shows respect and support! Listening to your child and understanding their viewpoint can help you problem-solve together and determine if further discipline is necessary after understanding their side.
2. Pause Before Responding to Them
Pausing and taking a deep breath creates space between the situation and your reaction. Allow yourself a chance to center your emotions and ability to respond rationally and appropriately. Explain to your children that you need a “time-out” for yourself if things are too heated to discuss.
3. Use Positive Self-Talk
Remind yourself of the truth and your child’s perspective. Say aloud, “This too shall pass,” “I am okay,” or “This is temporary.” Being able to challenge your thoughts and feelings helps to clarify your response. The contrary will place you in a reactive position.
4. Talk to Another Adult
Talk to your spouse, friend, or relative about your feelings. Having an outlet to “dump” and process your feelings can put you in the right mindset to determine the best course of action. Remind yourself that yelling at your kids can lead to unfavorable results.
5. Know Your Triggers
Understanding your triggers is crucial for managing your reactions. Reflect on situations where you’ve yelled at your children and identify the common factors contributing to increased frustration. Recognizing these warning signs allows you to anticipate and appropriately handle your children’s misbehavior.
6. Give Your Children a Warning
Voice your concerns and provide a warning when your child’s behavior is pushing your buttons. Doing so allows you to step back and calm down while establishing clear boundaries and expectations. Over time, children will learn to identify and correct poor behavior before you resort to yelling, and you will discover healthy ways to maintain discipline.
7. Make a List of Acceptable Alternatives to Yelling
Brainstorm different ways to communicate your frustrations, set expectations, and enforce rules. Your alternatives may include speaking calmly, having age-appropriate discussions, or implementing time-outs. Keep this list handy to reference in stressful situations.
8. Make It a Team Goal to Stop Yelling
Involve your entire family in the goal to reduce or eliminate yelling. Encourage everyone to work on their communication skills, fostering a supportive environment and holding each other accountable. If you have a partner, discuss how you plan to continue this practice as a unified front.
9. Manage Your Own Emotions
Learn techniques to handle stress, anger, and frustration. Mindfulness, physical exercise, calling a friend, or meditation for anger can help you manage emotions and alleviate the urge to yell at your kids. Change starts with you, so take preventative measures to avoid possible harm.
10. Take Responsibility for Yelling
You are responsible for your behavior. Acknowledge when you’ve yelled, recognizing it as a response your child does not deserve. By taking accountability, you’re more likely to be mindful of your actions in the future and remain a healthy model for your children.
11. Be Proactive & Plan Ahead
Anticipate potential situations that may lead to yelling and have a plan in place. Set routines, prepare consequences for misbehavior, and develop strategies for staying calm. When stressful circumstances arise, you (and your partner if they are involved) will know how to discipline calmly and respectfully.
12. Understand What Is & Is Not Normal Child Behavior
Educate yourself on age-appropriate behaviors to ensure you have realistic expectations. For example, yelling at your younger kids for dropping juice on the floor is unacceptable. This understanding helps you maintain perspective and avoids unnecessary escalation.
13. Come Back to the Lesson Later
If a situation becomes too tense, step away and revisit the issue when both you and your children are calm. You can prevent emotional outbursts and facilitate more productive conversations when composed and collected.
14. Check In With Your Expectations
Reevaluate your expectations regularly to ensure they are realistic and attainable for your children. Adjust your standards as needed, and remember that children’s age or developmental stage impacts their capabilities.
15. Rebuild Your Relationship With Your Kids
Make an effort to rebuild the emotional connection with your children. Show love, support, and understanding, allowing them to feel secure and open about their feelings. Spend time listening to your children when they come to you for help, remembering to offer healthy guidance free of harsh punishment.
16. Commit to Your Promise to Stop Yelling
Remind yourself of your commitment to stop yelling and hold yourself accountable for your actions. Enlist a support system of friends, family members, a therapist, or online communities to stay on track. Ask these individuals to keep note of your slip-ups so you remain mindful of your behavior.
17. When You Do Yell, Take a Moment to Apologize
Despite your efforts, there may still be times when you lose control. When you yell at your kids, apologize to them and reaffirm your commitment to change. Demonstrate your responsibility and set a good example for your kids.
How Therapy Can Help You Stop Yelling at Your Kids
Family therapists and parent coaches can provide objective guidance and solutions to change unhealthy parenting habits, including those that involve harsh verbal discipline and yelling.
Therapists will help your family understand and develop the skills needed to bring a resolution. In some cases, parents lack the appropriate skills to handle their children during difficult situations. Parents may resort to yelling, “put-downs,” and threats instead of firm yet supportive behaviors. A family therapist gets to “join” the family, support them, and advocate for them to express needs overlooked in the home.
Consider reaching out for professional help if you are struggling with discipline. Yelling at your children can lead to long-term impacts. Prevent this by taking responsibility and action. You can start searching for the right therapist using an online therapist directory.
Final Thoughts
While yelling at your children does not define you as a“bad” parent, it does signal the need for support. Parenting in a respectful, fair, and supportive way is possible. You can achieve a more harmonious relationship with your children with practice and guidance from other parents, parent support groups, or a licensed professional.
For Further Reading
How to Stop Yelling at Your Kids Infographics
