Overbearing mothers hover, criticize, and overstep boundaries, which can lead to a host of challenges for their adult children including low self-esteem, dependence, and perfectionism. These mothers may think they are doing what’s best for their children, but ultimately their hovering causes harm. Some ways to deal with an overbearing mother include setting limits, increasing confidence, and building a strong support system.
Signs of an Overbearing Mother
Overbearing mothers tend to be overly critical and overstep boundaries as a result of their controlling nature, authoritative or authoritarian parenting style, or narcissism. This can sometimes be rooted in fear or anxiety about their child’s safety or performance or their own childhood trauma, or they may simply believe that “mother knows best.”
Regardless of the reasons, there are some telltale signs of overbearing mothers and tools for dealing with them.
Here are ten signs of an overbearing mother:
1. She Voices Unwarranted Opinions About Your Personal Life
Overbearing mothers won’t hesitate to say what they think, and their opinion about relationships is no exception. She may criticize her children’s choice of partners and feel deep down that no one will ever be good enough for their child.
2. She’s Still a Helicopter Parent, Even When You’re an Adult
A helicopter parent hovers, controls, and tries to monitor their children’s every move. This can greatly impact one’s ability to develop independence, confidence, and autonomy as an adult, and may result in codependent behavior.
3. Constant Criticism
Overbearing mothers may nitpick and criticize their children about small things. This leads their children to feel like nothing they do is ever good enough, and can create problems with self-esteem and self-doubt that continue into adulthood.
4. Unsolicited Advice
She’ll give her children advice about everything, whether they ask or not. She often tells them what to do and how to do it. This gets in the way of her children learning to solve their own problems and undermines their confidence.
5. Unannounced Visits
Overbearing mothers believe that boundaries don’t apply to them, and have no regard for their children’s personal space. They may drop by uninvited or even unannounced and expect their children to drop everything and be available for them. They may even go as far as being hurt or offended when their children aren’t available for these unplanned drop-ins.
6. Perfectionism
This type of mother may be a perfectionist and can criticize, complain, or nag if their child delivers less than perfect results in all areas of life. She may not have patience for human mistakes because of how this will reflect on her, or because of her anxious desire to control.
7. She Expects Special Treatment from Her Children
This goes beyond advocating for her children and into inappropriate overstepping. Overbearing mothers expect others to clear the path, provide special treatment and make sure their kids get the recognition they think they deserve. The problem with this is it takes away the opportunity for kids to learn the value of working towards goals and celebrating their own achievements.
8. Feelings Are Not Allowed
Overbearing mothers often have no patience for negative emotions. When their child is upset or angry, they respond with scolding or criticism, and their children learn to stifle their emotions to keep the peace.
9. Their Love Is Conditional
Children with overbearing mothers often feel that they have to earn their mother’s love. Just being who they are is never enough–they have to perform to their mother’s satisfaction to receive her affection.
10. Rigid Rules & Expectations
Overbearing mothers expect things to be done a certain way, and only that way. When their children fail to meet their high standards, these mothers may react harshly, with criticism and strict punishment.
Effects of Overbearing Mothers
Being raised by an overbearing mother can result in low self-esteem, self-doubt, and dependence on others. Children of overbearing mothers may grow up to be entitled and expect everyone to make things happen for them, because they never had to struggle to achieve things on their own or learn to problem-solve.
Daughters of overbearing mothers may have issues with self-worth and body image due to their mothers’ constant criticism. Sons of overbearing mothers may find that they have problems in their relationships due to their mom’s controlling behaviors and lack of boundaries.
Ten effects of being raised by an overbearing mother include:
1. Perfectionism
Perfectionism is often driven by a desire to avoid criticism or shame. Children of overbearing mothers may find that they are anxious and fearful about falling short or making mistakes, so they attempt to do everything perfectly to gain approval.1
2. Low Self-esteem
People with low self-esteem doubt their abilities, don’t trust themselves to succeed, and have negative self-talk. Often, this self-talk comes from things they were told in their childhood; it stands to reason that an overbearing mother who often criticized and shamed her children would result in adults with poor self-esteem.
3. Lack of Emotional Maturity
People with demanding, controlling mothers often find that they are not allowed to have feelings, and certainly aren’t taught how to deal with feelings and regulate their own emotions. For this reason, they may have a hard time coping with or expressing tough feelings, and may act out or shut down.
4. Low Self-Efficacy
Self-efficacy refers to the belief that one can achieve what they desire, motivate themselves, and have autonomy over their lives.2 Children of overbearing mothers struggle with this because their mothers always swooped in to handle things for them, so they weren’t able to learn to count on themselves.
5. Anxiety & Depression
Research suggests that children of overbearing or helicopter parents report lower psychological well-being and are more likely to be medicated for anxiety and depression.3 Because of their helicopter mother’s behavior, they may have a more difficult time adjusting to life as adults, resulting in poorer mental health.
6. Entitlement
Children who are raised by overbearing mothers are associated with having a sense of entitlement, which can create consequences in academics and life. Entitled people expect others to solve and fix things for them, which can result in a lack of motivation.4
7. Emotional Dysregulation
When mothers always swoop in and don’t allow their children to learn to problem-solve or self-soothe, it results in these children being unable to manage their own emotions, otherwise known as emotional dysregulation. This can lead to difficulties in interpersonal relationships down the line.
8. Lack of Boundaries
People who were raised by overbearing mothers never learned to set boundaries. Their mothers’ enmeshment and lack of separation taught them that their needs didn’t matter, and to only pay attention to what their mother wants and needs. In order to keep the peace, they often grow into adults who don’t know how to set boundaries or say no.
9. Lack of Effective Coping Skills
As with emotional maturity, people with overbearing mothers often didn’t learn the coping skills they needed to face adversity or deal with struggle. Their mothers were always right there fixing and controlling everything rather than teaching their children the skills to deal with tough situations themselves.5
10. A Fixed Mindset
Children with overbearing mothers have been shown to grow into adults with a fixed mindset, which means they lack the flexibility of thinking and ability to face challenges that are needed to succeed in college and in the workplace.6
How to Deal With an Overbearing Mother
While it is true that being raised by an overbearing mother can be difficult and result in long-lasting effects, there are steps that their children can take to move forward. These include developing their own sense of self, building their confidence and self-efficacy, learning to communicate effectively, regulating emotions, and setting boundaries.
Here are nine things you can do to deal with an overbearing mother:
1. Talk to a Therapist
A licensed therapist can help children of overbearing mothers change old patterns, learn to communicate more effectively, set boundaries, and build their self-esteem. Many people find therapy very helpful for issues relating to their family of origin.
2. Set Limits & Boundaries
Setting strong limits and boundaries helps reduce stress, limit the build-up of resentment, and can increase well-being. Adult children of overbearing mothers need to learn that their needs matter too and that it’s good to set boundaries around their time, energy, and space.
3. Build a Solid Support System
Overbearing mothers can instill a belief in their children that they can only count on mom to be there for them. This can create an unhealthy, dependent, and enmeshed relationship. It is important for people to build a strong support system aside from their family of origin so that they have people to turn to, laugh with, and be their true selves around.
4. Communicate Your Needs
Learn to communicate clearly and directly. Communicating too passively can result in needs not being met, but communicating aggressively can result in defensiveness from the other person. The sweet spot for healthy communication is right in the middle: clear, direct, firm yet kind. Remember that expressing needs is nothing personal against mom, but rather it’s a way to practice self-care!
5. Develop a Growth Mindset
People who grew up in this type of family may find that they give up when things don’t come easily, or they feel like if they aren’t good at something there’s nothing they can do about it. A growth mindset shows that new knowledge and skills can be learned with practice. This can be a great self-esteem and confidence booster.7
6. Learn New Skills
Learning a new skill, hobby, or subject can help one develop a stronger sense of who they are and what they like, can help build confidence and provide an outlet for well-being, stress relief, and meeting new people.
7. Relationship Counseling
Sometimes, the effects of an overbearing mother may play out in romantic relationships. People may expect too much from their partners, have difficulty communicating their needs, or struggle to set boundaries with their mom, all of which can be harmful to a relationship. All of these things can be addressed in couples counseling.
8. Practice Mindfulness
Mindfulness can help someone who grew up with an overbearing mother tune in to, recognize, and start to regulate their emotions with compassion and without judgment. This is an important life skill that they may have never been taught and can help them manage some of the effects of an overbearing mother.
9. Set Personal Goals
Children of overbearing mothers often didn’t get the chance to develop their own goals and work toward them, because their mother was always telling them what their goals should be. Setting some personal goals and working toward them step by step is a great way to develop the confidence and self-efficacy that wasn’t learned in childhood.
The Importance of Setting Boundaries With Overbearing Mothers
Overbearing mothers often push boundaries because they feel entitled to every part of their children’s lives; however, having boundaries is an important part of being a healthy, functioning adult. Some may find that when they first start to set boundaries, their mother may push the limits and test the boundaries because she isn’t used to being told no. Ultimately though, holding the boundaries will not only improve well-being and self-esteem, it very well may improve the relationship with the mother as well, allowing for fewer opportunities for stress and resentment to build up when the overbearing mother oversteps
When & How a Therapist Can Help
When family relationships have an ongoing negative effect on one’s life, career, mental health, or relationships, it may be time to talk to a therapist. Individual therapy can help someone learn to set appropriate boundaries and practice healthy coping skills. Family therapy can help family members learn to communicate clearly and understand each other’s needs better. Group therapy can be especially helpful when concrete life skills or support are needed. A therapist may also be able to help you determine whether the relationship with your mother can continue—this is a tough choice to make, but for some, disconnecting is the only way to find peace.
There are many resources available for finding a therapist, including talking to your doctor or a trusted loved one, or searching an online therapist directory.
Final Thoughts
Overbearing mothers can do great damage to their children’s self-esteem, emotional regulation, success, and relationships, often without even realizing it. The longer these issues linger, the more difficult it becomes for the child. The sooner you can set boundaries or address the effects of an overbearing mother, the sooner you can reach your goal of living a fulfilling, happy life.
For Further Reading
- Narcissistic Mother: Tips to Cope with Narcissism in Parents – CBT Psychology
- The Happiness Plan for Adult Children of Toxic Parents – Toxic Mom Toolkit
- Family Estrangement: Advice and Information for Adult Children – Stand Alone
Overbearing Mother Infographics
