Overbearing Mother: 12 Signs & How to Deal

Signs of an Overbearing Mother

Overbearing mothers tend to be overly critical and overstep boundaries as a result of their controlling nature, authoritarian parenting style, or narcissism. This can sometimes be rooted in fear or anxiety about their child’s safety or performance or their own childhood trauma, or they may simply believe that “mother knows best.” Regardless of the reasons, there are some telltale signs of overbearing mothers and tools for dealing with them.

Here are twelve signs of an overbearing mother:

1. She Has Rigid Rules & Expectations

Overbearing mothers often hold onto strict rules and rigid expectations, even as their children become adults. Whether it’s about how you manage your career, maintain your household, or raise your own children, she may expect you to follow her way of doing things without question. Any deviation from these expectations can result in harsh criticism, judgment, or even emotional withdrawal.

2. She Does Not Respect Your Privacy

Overbearing mothers might intrude on their children’s privacy by prying into their personal affairs (e.g., reading texts, asking about finances, or inquiring about personal relationships). This lack of respect for boundaries can create tension and distrust.

3. She Constantly Criticizes You

Whether it’s about small things or major life decisions, overbearing mothers tend to nitpick and find fault. This ongoing criticism can make you feel like nothing you do is ever good enough, which can lead to long-term issues with low self-esteem and self-doubt.

4. She Gives Unsolicited Advice

She’ll offer advice about everything, even when you don’t ask for it. While she may believe she’s being helpful, constantly telling you what to do undermines your ability to solve problems on your own and build confidence in your decisions. Recognizing when you need advice and when to stand firm in your choices is key.

5. She Tries to Be Overly Involved in Decision-Making

Even as adults, overbearing mothers may continue to make decisions for their children, often without consulting them. This can manifest in attempts to influence or control major life choices, such as career paths, relationships, or even financial decisions. She may step in to offer solutions or make decisions that she feels are best, leaving little room for independence. This level of over-involvement can undermine your ability to trust your own judgment, leading to feelings of dependence or resentment as you struggle to assert your autonomy.

6. She Voices Unwarranted Opinions About Your Relationships

Overbearing mothers won’t hesitate to share their thoughts, especially when it comes to your relationships. It may seem like she’s just trying to help, but her constant opinions about your personal choices can feel invasive, leaving you questioning your ability to make your own decisions. Over time, this can create doubt and frustration in your relationships.

7. She Emotionally Manipulates You

Overbearing mothers may use emotional manipulation, such as passive-aggressive behavior, guilt-tripping, or playing the victim to control their children. They might act hurt or offended when their children assert boundaries or make independent choices, leading the child to feel guilty for prioritizing their own needs.

8. She Does Unannounced Visits

Overbearing mothers often feel entitled to their children’s time and space. Unannounced visits or unexpected calls where she expects you to drop everything for her can be disruptive and stressful. Over time, these behaviors may lead to resentment, and setting clear boundaries about personal space is necessary to protect your well-being.

9. She Expects Perfection

This type of mother may hold impossibly high standards, criticizing or complaining when you fall short. This perfectionism is often tied to her desire to control or her fear of failure reflecting poorly on her. The pressure to meet these standards can cause anxiety and burnout.

10. She Wants Special Treatment From Her Children

Overbearing mothers often expect their children to prioritize their needs or desires over everything else. This might involve advocating for special treatment or expecting others to clear a path for them and their children. While it may come from a place of love, this behavior can deprive you of the opportunity to work toward your own goals and learn the value of self-achievement.

11. She Doesn’t Make Space for Your Feelings

Overbearing mothers often have little patience for negative emotions like anger, sadness, or frustration. When you express how you feel, she may respond with criticism, dismissing or minimizing your emotions. This can teach you to suppress your feelings in order to maintain peace.

12. She Takes Credit for Your Achievements

Some overbearing mothers may take undue credit for their children’s accomplishments, framing their child’s success as a result of their own guidance and influence. This can diminish the child’s sense of ownership over their achievements and undermine their self-esteem.

How to Deal With an Overbearing Mother

While it is true that being raised by an overbearing mother can be difficult and result in long-lasting effects, there are steps that their children can take to move forward. These include developing their own sense of self, building their confidence and self-efficacy, learning to communicate effectively, regulating emotions, and setting boundaries.

Free Worksheets for Dealing With an Unhealthy Parent

Whether you’re working on setting boundaries, managing emotional responses, or reclaiming your sense of self, these worksheets are designed to support your journey. Find the one that fits your current situation, or download all of them here.

Complete Workbook Download

Recognizing Toxic Behavior Download

Setting Boundaries Download

Practicing Self-Care Download

Setting SMART Goals Download

Personal Strengths Inventory Download

Overcoming Shame Download

Here are some things you can do to deal with an overbearing mother:

Recognize the Behavior

The first step is acknowledging that your mother’s behavior is overbearing and how it affects you. This can involve reflecting on how her control, criticism, or lack of boundaries has impacted your confidence, decision-making, and emotional health. Understanding the specific patterns in her behavior helps you see the dynamics more clearly and identify areas that need change.

Set and Enforce Boundaries

One of the most important things you can do is establish clear boundaries with your mom. This might mean setting limits on how often she visits, how much input she gives in your decisions, or how she speaks to you. It’s important to communicate these boundaries assertively, without anger or defensiveness. For example, if she tends to drop by unannounced, you can tell her, “I need you to call before visiting so I can make sure it’s a good time.”

At first, your mother may test these boundaries, especially if she’s not used to being told no. It’s common for overbearing mothers to push back when boundaries are introduced. However, by holding firm, you not only protect your well-being and boost your self-esteem, but you may also improve the relationship over time. Fewer opportunities for stress and resentment arise when your boundaries are respected, which can ultimately lead to a healthier dynamic between you and your mother.

Limit Emotional Reactions

Overbearing mothers may push buttons or react negatively when boundaries are set. It’s crucial to remain calm and not engage in emotional battles. If she becomes upset, try to stay grounded by taking deep breaths and calmly repeating your boundary without getting drawn into an argument. This not only protects your emotional energy but also reinforces that you’re serious about maintaining your autonomy.

Know When to Walk Away

If setting boundaries and asserting your independence doesn’t improve the situation, you may need to create more distance in the relationship. This doesn’t mean cutting off contact completely, but it may involve reducing how often you interact or limiting conversations to less sensitive topics. Protecting your mental health should always be a priority.

Build a Solid Support System

Overbearing mothers often create the belief that their children can only rely on them for support. This can lead to an unhealthy, dependent, and enmeshed relationship. To counter this, it’s essential to build a strong support system outside of your family. Having friends, other family members, or mentors gives you people to turn to, share experiences with, and feel like your true self around. A solid support network helps you establish healthier boundaries and reinforces your sense of independence.

Engage in Self-Care

Establishing a self-care routine can help you manage the emotional stress that comes with dealing with an overbearing mother. Engage in activities that bring you peace and relaxation, whether that’s exercise, meditation, journaling, or spending time with supportive friends. Prioritizing your well-being will help you handle being emotionally overwhelmed when challenges arise.

Reframe the Relationship

Sometimes, accepting that your mother may never change her behavior can be freeing. Instead of constantly trying to change her or hoping she’ll become less controlling, focus on changing how you respond to her. Reframing the relationship in this way can give you a sense of empowerment as you learn to focus on what you can control—your reactions and boundaries.

Set Personal Goals

Growing up with an overbearing mother often means you didn’t get the chance to set your own goals, as your mother likely dictated what you should aim for. To reclaim your independence, it’s important to start setting personal goals that reflect your own desires and values. By working toward these goals step by step, you’ll build the confidence and self-efficacy that may not have been developed in childhood. This process not only empowers you to take control of your life but also reinforces the belief that you are capable of achieving your own dreams on your own terms.⁷

Talk to a Therapist

Working with a licensed therapist can be a transformative experience for those who grew up with overbearing mothers. A therapist can help you break old patterns, communicate more effectively, set and maintain boundaries, and rebuild your self-esteem. Therapy provides a safe space to process the impact of your family dynamics, and many people find it invaluable when addressing issues related to their upbringing. It’s an opportunity to gain insight, heal emotional wounds, and create healthier relationships moving forward.

Consider Relationship Counseling

The impact of an overbearing mother often extends into romantic relationships. You might find yourself expecting too much from your partner, struggling to communicate your needs, or having difficulty setting boundaries with your mother, which can strain the relationship. Couples counseling can be a helpful space to address these challenges. A therapist can help you and your partner navigate these dynamics, improve communication, and strengthen your relationship by fostering healthier boundaries and emotional understanding.

Effects of Overbearing Mothers

The effects of an overbearing mother are complex and can ripple through various aspects of a person’s life. One of the most common effects is adult children of overbearing mothers often find themselves questioning their own decisions, whether it’s about their career, relationships, or even daily tasks. This constant fear of making the wrong decisions can lead to a lack of confidence, as they may feel like they’re always under scrutiny or on the verge of disappointing their mother.²

Another effect is the emotional toll. The pressure to meet rigid expectations or avoid criticism can cause chronic stress and anxiety. Over time, this can manifest in low self-esteem, where you start to believe that nothing you do is ever good enough. You may also struggle with setting boundaries, feeling guilty for asserting your needs or pushing back against her demands, leading to a pattern of people-pleasing or emotional burnout.

Relationships can also suffer. If your mother has been overly involved in your personal life, it might affect your ability to maintain healthy, balanced relationships with others. You may carry feelings of inadequacy into romantic relationships or struggle with asserting your needs, fearing rejection or criticism.

Other Effects of Being Raised by an Overbearing Mother

• Mental health struggles: Children of overbearing mothers are more likely to experience long-term mental health challenges, such as anxiety and depression. This often stems from growing up in an environment where their mother’s constant control left little room for them to develop emotional resilience. Instead of learning how to cope with life’s challenges on their own, they were often shielded from adversity. As a result, when they reach adulthood, they may feel unprepared to handle everyday pressures and responsibilities.^{3, 5}
• Perfectionism: Perfectionism is often driven by a desire to avoid criticism or shame. Children of overbearing mothers may find that they are anxious and fearful about falling short or making mistakes, so they attempt to do everything perfectly to gain approval.¹
• Emotional numbness: Children of demanding, controlling mothers often grow up in environments where expressing emotions is discouraged or even punished. As a result, these individuals may never learn how to properly identify, express, or manage their emotions. As adults, rather than facing tough emotions like anxiety, sadness, or anger, they may shut down completely or become emotionally numb.
• Emotional dysregulation: When mothers always swoop in and don’t allow their children to learn to problem-solve or self-soothe, it results in these children being unable to manage their own emotions, otherwise known as emotional dysregulation. This can lead to difficulties in interpersonal relationships down the line.

How to Find Professional Support

Seeking professional support is a key step in managing the effects of an overbearing mother. To find the right help, use an online therapist directory to find licensed therapists who specialize in family dynamics, boundary-setting, or issues related to self-esteem and autonomy. Alternatively, online therapy services offer flexible options for those who prefer virtual support. If growing up with an overbearing mom has impacted your ability to develop healthy relationships, ReGain focuses specifically on relationship counseling, which can help you build healthier connections.

In addition to individual therapy, consider seeking out group therapy or support groups for people dealing with similar family challenges. These groups can provide a sense of community and shared understanding while offering practical advice from both peers and professionals. Apps like Circles and 7 Cups offer online group therapy or peer support specifically for family-related issue

What Causes a Mother to Become Overbearing?

Several factors can contribute to a mother becoming overbearing. For many, the need to control stems from deep-seated anxiety or fear about their child’s well-being. Mothers who were raised in environments where they experienced a lack of control or emotional neglect might overcompensate by becoming controlling with their own children. They may believe that by being highly involved, they’re providing the safety and guidance they lacked growing up.

Alternatively, a mother with narcissistic tendencies might see her child as an extension of herself, expecting them to meet her needs or live up to the image she’s created rather than allowing them the independence to forge their own path. Cultural or societal expectations may also drive overbearing behavior. In some cases, mothers feel pressure to ensure their child’s success in every aspect of life—academics, relationships, career—leading them to