Children rely on their parents for love, support, and consistency. If a parent neglects these emotional needs, it can adversely affect the child’s development. A mother with narcissistic personality disorder cannot give their children adequate attention and nurturing. Their entitlement often results in them mistreating their children. Additionally, a narcissistic mother will tend to use her children as a prop or device to meet her own needs.
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a complex condition. Therefore, understanding the signs of a narcissistic parent is essential for anyone who suspects their parents may have this disorder. Narcissistic abuse can be insidious, but many children grow up believing the toxicity in their household is perfectly reasonable. They often also blame themselves for the distress.
Here are seven signs your mother is a narcissist:
1. She Doesn’t Respect Your Boundaries
In a healthy relationship, parents respect their child’s boundaries. Even if they don’t always agree with their child’s choice, they understand that they cannot control their every move. People with NPD struggle with this.
Narcissistic mothers have an exaggerated need for control and power, and they will often trample over someone’s boundaries to get what they want. For example, a mother with NPD might claim she was “just in the neighborhood and trying to be nice” after showing up to your house unannounced (after you’ve made it clear that you want her to call you in advance before visiting).
2. She Lacks Empathy (or Seems to Turn Empathy On & Off)
Most parents feel immense pain when their child is in pain. Subsequently, they also try to attune to their child’s likes, dislikes, and personal needs. In fact, many parents often have a sense of guilt or shame when they misattune with their children.
This dynamic plays out differently in narcissistic relationships. Research shows that children of parents with NPD tend to report their parents lack empathy and showed limited interest in their emotional needs.1 They also indicate feeling “invisible,” as if their mother can’t take the time or energy to truly see or understand them.
3. She Seemingly Competes With You
Most parents want what’s best for their children. In fact, there is a common notion that parents want their children to have a better life than they ever had.
But narcissistic mothers often compete with their children, particularly with daughters. They may resent their youth, beauty, and success. As a result, they might either criticize their children for being “too vain” or “stupid” or “selfish.” Or, they might try to sabotage them in some way.
4. She Gaslights You
Gaslighting is a complex term, but it essentially refers to a form of psychological abuse intended to make another person feel crazy.2
Gaslighting comes in many different forms, but it may present as:
- Being told you’re overreacting or dramatic for having a feeling.
- Lying about the behavior (even when confronted).
- Trying to convince you that it was just a joke.
- Telling you that you’re misunderstanding or misremembering details.
- Trying to change how you feel (“you should be grateful!”)
5. She Only Treats You Well in Public
A narcissistic mom can act like two entirely different people. When nobody is looking, they might be cruel, dismissive, or largely detached.
But when she’s out in public, they may be showing you off, bragging about your accomplishments, or acting lovingly towards you. Unfortunately, this rarely comes from a place of a genuine concern for your needs. Instead, these efforts usually have more to do with them wanting to uphold an image of being a perfect parent.
6. She Often Presents as the Victim
Narcissism correlates with feeling unique and different from other people. As a result, a narcissistic mom may manipulate the situation to garner sympathy and attention. For example, she might often complain about feeling singled out or misunderstood. If an adverse event happens, it may even seem like she revels in the drama it invariably brings.
7. She Takes Advantage of Others
People with narcissism often avoid personal accountability and use other people to satisfy their needs. In addition, they often bend societal rules to fit into their preconceived notions of how things should work.
Subsequently, a narcissistic mother might always try to “get a deal” or “pull a fast one” on someone. Often, they pick friends based on what those friends can potentially offer rather than by how those friendships feel.
How to Deal With a Narcissistic Mother
Dealing with narcissism is undoubtedly challenging. But coping with narcissism when it comes to your own mother may seem downright impossible. While you may never have an ideal relationship, you can take specific steps to protect your well-being and honor your personal needs. While you can’t control your mother’s actions, you can look after yourself.
Educate Yourself on Narcissism
Narcissism is a confusing topic, and new research shows there are likely different subtypes of narcissism.3 Educating yourself on this condition can help you understand your mother’s behavior more objectively.
Stop Blaming Yourself
If your narcissistic mother constantly belittled, shamed, or condemned you, their behaviors probably took a massive toll on your self-esteem. You may have grown up truly believing you were the problem. That’s not the case- children deserve love, respect, and compassion. Remember that NPD is a mental illness, and it’s not your fault your mother acted the way she did.
Implement Boundaries Firmly
Unfortunately, you probably know that your mother doesn’t handle boundaries well. At the same time, you might struggle to identify or set them because you don’t want to trigger a blowout.
That said, boundaries are only as effective as your willingness to reinforce them. Take some time to consider your limits, identify and own them, and communicate them clearly and definitively.4
Practice Grey Rocking
Many people embrace the “grey rock method” to avoid narcissistic abuse. This method can be effective if you have to maintain some contact with your mother, but you want to limit arguments or heightened emotions.
The gray rock method basically refers to disengaging from the other person. You make a conscious effort to act uninterested, bored, or unresponsive. You might respond with one-word answers and ignore them instead of picking arguments. Over time, your mother will become frustrated, but she may also start looking elsewhere to stir drama.
Find Support
Reach out to others who will validate your fears and struggles. Make it a point to surround yourself with loving people who have your best interest in mind.
Stop Trying to Change Her
Personality disorders are known for being challenging to treat, and it’s incredibly difficult for a narcissist to change.5 Treatment often requires some motivation, willingness, and a desire to change. Because your mother may not even recognize she has a problem, trying to change her often backfires into more manipulation and abuse.
Instead, try to focus on acceptance. This is your mother. You can’t change the past, but you can focus on how you want to take care of yourself today and move forward.
Consider No-Contact
In some cases, taking a no-contact approach may be the best decision. No contact is exactly what it sounds like- you eliminate all forms of communication with your mother. This strategy may be best if nothing else has worked- or if you simply feel ready to end the relationship.
When & How a Therapist Can Help
Therapy can help you sort through some of the complicated emotions associated with narcissism. If you have a narcissistic mother, therapy provides a safe place to process your relationship and explore new ways to cope.
In some cases, group therapy may be beneficial. You might consider searching for a group focused exclusively on children of parents with NPD. Twelve-step groups may also provide reassurance and solutions.
When searching for a therapist, look for a professional with experience treating children of parents with NPD. Furthermore, if you have any other mental health issues, consider finding a therapist with relevant expertise. Using a professional directory can help you vet the best professionals and narrow down your choices.
Final Thoughts on Narcissistic Mothers
Growing up with a narcissistic mother isn’t easy. Maintaining a relationship now may feel even more disturbing or complicated. That said, you can learn how to move forward and prioritize your well-being. Even if you can’t change your mother, you can change how you respond, adapt, and take care of yourself.
