Narcissistic mothers often use their children as props or devices to meet their own needs. They will be extremely sensitive to criticism, manipulate their children, and constantly play the victim. A narcissistic mother is unable to give their children adequate attention and nurturing, as she will prioritize her own desires before her children’s.
Traits of a Narcissistic Mother
A narcissistic mother will display traits characteristic of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). They view their children as an extension of themselves and only invest in a child’s well-being to the extent that it enhances their own. Unfortunately, maternal narcissism can disrupt the formation of a healthy mother-child bond, allowing a child’s needs to go unmet.
Traits of narcissistic mothers include:
- Inflated sense of grandiosity and entitlement
- Arrogance
- Taking advantage of others for personal gain
- Fantasies of success, power, or wealth
- Overly exaggerating achievements, talents, or status
- Excessive need for admiration
- Believing that others are envious of them
- Constant jealousy of others
- Lack of empathy
14 Signs of a Narcissistic Mother
Understanding the signs of a narcissistic parent is essential for anyone who suspects their mother may have narcissistic personality disorder, as NPD is complex. Narcissistic abuse can be insidious, but many children grow up believing the toxicity in their household is perfectly reasonable.
Here are 14 signs your mother is a narcissist:
1. She Doesn’t Respect Your Boundaries
Narcissistic mothers have an exaggerated need for control and power and often trample over someone’s boundaries to get what they want. In a healthy relationship, parents respect their child’s boundaries. Even if they don’t always agree with their child’s choice, they understand that they cannot control their every move. People with NPD struggle with this. For example, a mother with NPD might claim she was “just in the neighborhood and trying to be nice” after showing up at your house unannounced (after you’ve made it clear that you want her to call you in advance before visiting).
2. She Views You as an Extension of Herself
It is natural for parents to see a bit of themselves in their children and take pride in them when they succeed. However, narcissistic mothers perceive their children as extensions of themselves, rather than separate and unique independent people. They don’t see children as reflections of themselves but as representations of themselves. Narcissistic mothers bask in the glory of a child’s achievements as if these were their own. When a child stumbles or fails, their mother may fly into a narcissistic rage due to the “shame” that a failure brings to their ego.
3. She Plays You & Your Siblings Against Each Other
While most mothers long for their children to get along with one another and develop strong bonds, narcissistic mothers don’t want their children to become allies. Jealousy about her children’s close relationships threatens her ego as she always craves to be the center of their world. By playing her children against one another, she can keep normal family relationships from developing.
4. She May Manipulate You Into Feigning Illness
Narcissistic mothers may also show signs of Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy. This is a mental disorder in which a parent encourages a child to show symptoms of physical illness to warrant visits to doctors, emergency rooms, and specialists. A narcissistic mother can meet her needs for attention and concern by medical professionals tending to her child. Munchausen can lead to emotional and physical costs to the child, while the mother feeds on the invested interest of others in her child’s well-being.
5. She Constantly Criticizes You
Because narcissistic mothers see their children as an extension of themselves, they are highly invested in a child being viewed as exceptional and highly accomplished. Narcissistic mothers may consistently criticize a child if they do not live up to expectations. To maintain their ego, narcissistic mothers demand perfection from their children.
6. She Sets Unrealistic Expectations
Narcissistic mothers often place unattainable expectations, living vicariously through their children. They expect a child to reach goals that they, themselves, were unable to accomplish. A narcissistic mother cannot recognize that their children have normal limitations on their abilities. Because of this, they may punish their children for being unable to meet their outrageous expectations and standards.
7. She Lashes Out at Any Criticism
Narcissistic mothers often have short tempers. This can result in lashing out at others when challenged or their views are questioned. They may throw temper tantrums in response to criticism of them or their children. Narcissistic mothers commonly respond in passive-aggressive ways to those who try to contest them and their wishes. Their true self-esteem is so low that any criticism is perceived as a significant blow to their ego, which they quickly counter with disproportionate anger.
8. She’s Obsessed With Maintaining Appearances
Narcissistic mothers cannot bear to be seen as anything less than perfect and will go out of their way to perpetuate the impression that they are excellent mothers. They will promote their parenting skills and their children’s accomplishments in ways that gloss over any shortcomings or disappointments. For a narcissistic mother, success is not about what she is actually doing but what she can convince others she is doing.
9. She Expects You to Admire Her
All mothers want their children to think highly of them, but a narcissistic mother is driven by needing to be beloved and admired by her children. Her identity is so enmeshed in her maternal role that she cannot conceive that her child doesn’t adore her. A narcissistic mother may brag about herself to her children and remind them of what an amazing mother they have, regardless of the presence or absence of facts that support her claim.
10. She Ignores Your Needs
Most parents feel immense pain when their child is harmed. Subsequently, they also try to attune to their likes, dislikes, and personal needs. In fact, many parents often have a sense of guilt or shame when they fail to do so. However, this dynamic plays out differently in narcissistic relationships. Research shows that children of narcissistic parents tend to report that narcissistic mothers exhibit a lack of empathy and limited interest in their emotional needs.1 They also indicate feeling “invisible,” as if their mother couldn’t take the time or energy to truly see or understand them.
11. She Seemingly Competes With You
For the most part, parents want the best for their children. Conversely, narcissistic mothers often compete with their children, particularly daughters. They may resent their child’s youth, beauty, and success. As a result, they either criticize their children for being “too vain,” “stupid,” or “selfish.” Or, they might try to sabotage the child in some way.
12. She Gaslights You
Narcissistic gaslighting is a complex behavior, but it essentially refers to psychological abuse intended to make another person feel crazy.2 A narcissistic mother may use this to manipulate her children in many different ways. For example, she may tell a child they are overreacting or “being dramatic” when the child comes to them with their feelings. If they say something to upset the child, they may blatantly lie about the behavior or try to convince the child that it was just a joke.
13. She Only Treats You Well in Public
A narcissistic mom can act like two entirely different people. When nobody is looking, they might be cruel, dismissive, or detached. But when out in public, narcissistic mothers may show a child off, brag about their accomplishments, or act lovingly towards them. Unfortunately, this rarely comes from genuine concern for their children’s needs. Instead, these efforts usually stem from wanting to uphold an image of being the perfect parent.
14. She Often Presents as the Victim
Narcissism correlates with an innate sense of feeling unique and superior to other people. As a result, a narcissistic mom may manipulate a situation to garner sympathy and attention. For example, she might often complain about feeling singled out or misunderstood. If an adverse event happens, it may seem like she revels in the drama it invariably brings.
How Having a Narcissistic Mother Affects Children
The first relationships people form are with their parents and siblings. The lessons learned by daughters of narcissistic mothers and sons of narcissistic mothers may create significant issues in the formation of healthy relationships later in life. Children of narcissistic mothers may struggle to develop a healthy sense of self as they mature. There are several potential adverse outcomes for children of narcissists that they may have to overcome as adults.
Below are some of the effects of growing up with a narcissistic mother:
- Poor emotional intelligence: Narcissistic mothers often tell their children how they should feel. They also may try to convince their children that what they think they are feeling is not their true feelings.
- Self-blaming: Narcissistic mothers never accept blame or responsibility for their failures and place blame on their children. Children grow up believing anything that goes wrong is their fault, even when that is irrefutably untrue.
- Inability to set and maintain boundaries: The lack of boundaries narcissistic mothers have with their children and their view of children as extensions of themselves do not allow children to develop healthy emotional boundaries.
- Developing an insecure attachment: Due to the frequent highs and lows of their narcissistic mothers and the love-hate nature of a narcissistic mother’s affection, children cannot form secure attachments with them. A mother who does not provide stability and consistency with her love damages a child.
- Being highly attuned to others’ emotions: Children of narcissistic mothers learn to placate their mother’s needs, often resulting in high emotional awareness. By “reading the room,” they can avoid upsetting others and limit the risk of provoking another’s anger.
- Feeling the need to cater to others: Narcissistic mothers will always prioritize their own needs and expect their children to do the same. Thus, children of narcissists grow up believing that it is their role in life to cater to others’ needs before meeting their own.
How to Deal With a Narcissistic Mother
Dealing with a narcissist is undoubtedly challenging. Coping with narcissism from your own mother may seem downright impossible. While you may never have an ideal relationship, you can take specific steps to protect your well-being and honor your personal needs. You can’t control your mother’s actions but can look after yourself.
Below are tips for dealing with a narcissistic mother:
Educate Yourself on Narcissism
Narcissism can be confusing to understand, as there are many unofficial subtypes of narcissists.3 Educating yourself on NPD can help you understand your mother’s behavior more objectively and how to effectively deal with it.
Stop Blaming Yourself
If your narcissistic mother constantly belittled, shamed, or condemned you, their behaviors likely took a massive toll on your self-esteem. You may have grown up truly believing you were the problem, but this is not the case. Children deserve love, respect, and compassion. Remember that NPD is a mental illness, and it’s not your fault your mother acted the way she did.
Implement Boundaries Firmly
It is a well-known fact that narcissistic mothers do not handle boundaries well. At the same time, you might struggle to identify or set them because you don’t want to trigger a blowout. That said, setting boundaries with parents is only as effective as your willingness to reinforce them. Take some time to consider your limits, identify them, and communicate them clearly and definitively with your mother.4
Minimize Communication
One of the most effective ways to protect yourself from a narcissistic mother’s negative influence is to limit engagement with her. Once a child becomes an adult, they are free to choose how and when to communicate with their mother. If communication with your narcissistic mother only creates emotional distress, including anger or guilt, then minimizing communication frequency and depth can limit her opportunities to upset you.
Practice Grey Rocking
Many people embrace the “grey rock method” to avoid narcissistic abuse. This method can be effective if you have to maintain some form of contact with your mother. The grey rock method essentially refers to disengaging from the narcissistic person. Make a conscious effort to act uninterested, bored, or unresponsive when communicating with your narcissistic mother. You might respond with one-word answers or ignore them instead of picking arguments. Over time, your mother will become frustrated and may start looking elsewhere to stir drama.
Seek Social Support
Having healthy relationships is essential when maintaining your overall well-being. Seek out people who value who you are and what you bring to relationships. Connecting with others who have experienced similar situations can be especially helpful and healing. Focus on establishing and maintaining healthy relationships rather than ruminating on the tumultuous one you had with your mother.
Stay Calm & Respectful
Don’t allow your narcissistic mother to provoke you into emotionally reacting to her words or actions. Narcissists thrive on attention. By staying calm and respectful, you are taking away her power to manipulate you into feeding her narcissistic hunger. When she realizes her efforts to bait you are unsuccessful, she may give up and seek another source for her narcissistic supply.
Prioritize Your Own Needs
As an adult, you have the right to put your needs ahead of your mother’s, even though she denied this in your childhood. You are no longer expected to offer her unearned adoration or modify your desires. This may be challenging at first, but recognizing that you deserve this as an adult can be one of the most liberating lessons children of narcissistic mothers can learn.
Focus on Building Your Self-Esteem
Children often establish their self-esteem based on how their parents view them. Because narcissistic mothers cannot acknowledge that their children are separate entities, their children often develop poor self-esteem. As an adult, you do not have to rely on your mother’s appraisal of you. Focus on engaging in activities that build your self-esteem. Acknowledge your strengths and accomplishments as evidence of your worthiness and value.
Consider No-Contact
In some cases, taking a no-contact approach with a narcissistic mother may be the best decision. No contact is exactly what it sounds like–you eliminate all forms of communication with your mother. This strategy may be best if nothing else has worked- or if you feel ready to end the relationship.
Reach Out for Professional Support
If you have a narcissistic mother, therapy provides a safe place to process your relationship and explore new ways to heal and cope. In some cases, group therapy may be beneficial. Consider searching for a group that focuses exclusively on children of parents with NPD. Twelve-step groups may also provide reassurance and solutions. When finding the right therapist, look for a professional with experience treating children of narcissistic mothers or narcissistic fathers. You can use an online therapist directory to vet the best professionals and narrow your choices.
What Not to Do When Dealing With a Narcissistic Mother
As you begin to recognize how being raised by a narcissistic mother may have shaped your development, you may wish that you could share your perspective with her. Unfortunately, the level of narcissism your mother continues to exhibit may limit her ability to engage in authentic and productive discussions. Recognizing her limits and avoiding activities that lead to further distress can make a difference.
Things to avoid doing when dealing with a narcissistic mother include:
- Try to change her: You can’t change the past, but you can focus on how you want to care for yourself today and move forward.
- Expect an apology: Narcissistic mothers can never admit that they have made mistakes. They will always play the victim. Any missteps made will be blamed on others, including you.
- Compare her to others: Her sense of superiority and inflated ego do not allow for comparisons. Her reaction to efforts to compare her to others will either be dismissiveness or defensiveness. In her eyes, she is incomparable and superior to all others.
- Let her continue to manipulate you: Once you are an adult, you no longer are subject to her moods or required to meet her expectations. Take back the power she held over you when you were a child and make decisions that are in your own best interest, not hers.
Final Thoughts
Growing up with a narcissistic mother isn’t easy. Maintaining a relationship may feel even more disturbing or complicated. That said, you can learn how to move forward and prioritize your well-being. Even if you can’t change your mother, you can revise how you respond, adapt, and take care of yourself.
Narcissistic Mothers Infographics
