Jealousy: Definition, Causes, & Ways to Cope

What Is Jealousy?

Jealousy is a social emotion caused by someone’s belief that something which is rightfully theirs may be taken by another person. This threat can be either real or imagined, but it is this belief of the individual which causes their jealousy to occur. There are many types of jealousy, such as romantic jealousy, power-related jealousy, or workplace jealousy. The type of jealousy that occurs is based on the situation, individual, and environmental context.

Is Jealousy an Emotion?

Jealousy is considered an emotion with behavioral, affective, social, and cognitive components. Romantic jealousy, which is a common type of jealousy, is a mix of emotions such as anger, sadness, and surprise.¹

How to Identify Jealousy

It can be difficult to recognize and reconcile feelings of jealousy. You may even feel justified in certain jealous reactions. Given the fact that jealousy is a vulnerable emotion that can trigger fears of abandonment, it can be tricky to discuss it with your partner, too.

When you feel jealous, you may become more irritable, so try to calmly communicate with the other person by asking them to make time to talk. It’s important to remember that your feelings should always be handled with care, so speaking with a therapist to sort things out can help as well.²

What Causes Jealousy?

Feelings of jealousy often come from extended periods of a lack of communication and low self-esteem. People with poor boundaries might experience jealousy, and witnessing parents with poor boundaries usually reinforces maladaptive ways of coping. Because loneliness and other symptoms can manifest in jealousy, those with mental health issues can also be more prone to experience it.

Children with anxious attachment styles who don’t have great emotional regulation skills sometimes grow up to be jealous of others; however, jealousy can also show up in the wake of a partner spending time with someone who feels like a threat, or situations where there is a new dynamic, causing trust issues.³

7 Types of Jealousy

In addition to romantic jealousy, which may seem like the most obvious form of jealousy, there is also power jealousy, family jealousy, pathological jealousy, and more.

Here are seven types of jealousy:

1. Romantic jealousy: Based on real or imagined threats to a romantic relationship. There could be a history of infidelity or inappropriate flirtations; however, this could also be solely based on one partner’s insecurities.
2. Rational and reactive jealousy: Based on something concrete, such as some kind of evidence (e.g., an incriminating text message) that leads to doubts that are based in reality.
3. Family jealousy: Based on familial bonds. For example, it can come up when one sibling feels like the other is getting more attention.
4. Sexual and suspicious jealousy: Based on fears that a partner may have cheated or be engaged in inappropriate communication.
5. Power jealousy: Based on personal fears that come up at work or in relation to your career. For example, this might occur when a colleague receives a promotion and you don’t.
6. Retroactive jealousy: A preoccupation with a partner’s past is retroactive jealousy. It can be their previous relationships with others, or the behaviors that they engaged in during these relationships
7. Pathological jealousy: Based on irrationality and likely comes with a comorbid mental health diagnosis.⁴

Examples of Jealousy

There are many types of jealousy, which may arise based on the certain context of the situation and relationships involved. Remember that jealousy is a social emotion, so it has a lot to do with a person’s relationship with those around them for the jealousy to take root. Additionally, the environment of the individual is also important, as this can affect their experience of the emotion.

Here are some common examples of what could cause jealousy:

• Someone gets a promotion you had expected to get
• Someone receives an award for a contest you also participated in
• Your child likes someone else’s gift better than yours
• You catch your partner checking out another person
• Someone shows up to a function with an expensive handbag that you wish you could own
• You are jealous of others who seem to have a sense of security, who have it “too easy” either due to their background, advantages, race, looks—and who lack the appearance of anxiety or struggle

Jealousy Vs. Envy

Jealousy and envy may have similarities, but they’re actually two different feelings. For one, envy can actually prompt personal change, whereas jealousy prompts anger and a lack of empathy. There are several different characteristics for each that can help you differentiate.

Jealousy & Mental Health Concerns

Sometimes, pervasive jealous feelings might be an indicator of a deeper issue related to your mental health, including post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).

Here are other mental health concerns that could be related to jealousy:

• Depression
• Anxiety
• PTSD
• OCD
• Attachment issues
• Paranoia
• Schizophrenia
• Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Complications of Unaddressed Jealousy

Sometimes, a little jealousy can be a wake-up call that you need to change something for the better. It could also be a reminder to appreciate your relationship more for what it actually is. That said, if it’s persistent, jealousy can lead to all sorts of negative complications, too.

Here are nine complications of unaddressed jealousy:

• Negative impact on the relationship
• Break up or divorce
• Insomnia
• Panic attacks
• Headaches
• Chest pain
• High blood pressure
• Stomach aches
• Weight changes

Can Jealousy Ever Be Good?

As with all emotions, jealousy can be adaptive to a certain degree. Emotions are messengers that tell us something about ourselves and our life experiences. Jealousy can be an opportunity to help you understand what you prioritize in life. Do you value experiences over material things? Jealousy can also give you information about the context of the relationship. Why might you experience jealousy in one relationship versus not in another?

7 Ways to Cope With Jealousy

It can be challenging to figure out how to deal with jealous feelings, so it’s important to take back some control and learn healthy ways to stop being jealous, like practicing gratitude, setting healthy expectations, or talking to a therapist.

Here are seven ways to cope with jealousy:

1. Understand Where Your Insecurities Are Coming From

Understanding the root cause of your insecurities can help you process your experience of jealousy. This can be an opportunity to learn more about what you prioritize in life and your relationships with others around you. Asking yourself clarifying questions about the jealousy, perhaps in a journal or with a trusted professional or friend, can help you process root causes of the emotion.

2. Take Control of Your Fears

Acknowledging your insecurities is the first step, then owning them and being able to put them into words to discuss with your partner or whomever is involved in your jealous feelings will help you shift your sense of agency and control.

3. Be Open About Your Feelings

Having open, clear communication with your partner is a good way to engage them in the conversation. Speak with compassion and trust to help your partner feel comfortable sharing their perspective as well.

4. Discuss & Set Expectations

It’s important to remember that feelings or “reasons” for jealousy can feel very real for the person experiencing them, even if there is no evidence. To build trust, set expectations in the relationship and have agreed-upon ground rules to help mitigate any future jealous feelings.

5. Calm Your Imagination

Jealousy can intensify when imagining the various scenarios of the other person getting the thing you want. Remember that your mind is a powerful place, so allowing yourself to catastrophize will only worsen your experience of the emotion.

6. Engage in Gratitude & Mindfulness

Keeping a gratitude journal and practicing mindfulness meditation can help you center yourself and take back control of your emotions so jealousy doesn’t take over.

7. Problem-Solve With Your Partner or Whoever Is Causing the Jealous Feelings

Since jealousy is a social emotion, you can turn towards the person who is causing your jealousy to flare. Sharing your experience in an assertive manner can actually produce some positive conflict between you and the other person (if they are open to having the conversation).

How to Talk to a Jealous Partner

Jealousy in a relationship can be difficult to manage. If your partner is willing, it may be helpful to address the impact of their jealousy on you. Using I-statements and reflective listening may be helpful ways to address the conflict in a positive manner.

I-statements can help you communicate to the other person how you feel based on their jealous behaviors, while reflective listening can help you focus on understanding their perceptions of the situations causing jealousy. Remember that these are general pieces of advice, and it may be beneficial to consult with a professional about your specific situation before using these tools.

When to Get Professional Help for Feelings of Jealousy

If you feel like your jealousy is holding you back from daily demands or causing issues in your relationships or professional life, it might be time to find a therapist. Once you find a therapist, the two of you will create a treatment plan. Depending on the type of jealousy issues you’re facing, couples counseling or family therapy may also be recommended. It’s important to go in with an open mind and a general goal to address the underlying reason for your jealousy.

Potential Treatment Options for Jealousy

Different modalities of therapy can be used to treat jealousy, including cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), and solution focused therapy.

Here are four potential treatment options for jealousy:

1. CBT: One of the most common types of therapy used for complex emotions and mood disorders. The therapist helps you identify negative thought patterns that negatively impact your behaviors and emotions. By getting to the root of the thought, CBT empowers you to reshape your experience.⁵
2. Mindfulness skills and formal meditation: These practices have powerful emotional regulation capabilities. Plus, these skills are often integrated into different types of therapy, including acceptance and commitment therapy, mindfulness-based CBT, and dialectical behavioral therapy.⁶
3. Solution focused therapy: This modality is often provided in 6-8 sessions. It focuses on helping people find solutions for specific problems and stressors, such as certain events or situations that cause jealousy. Solution focused therapy can also be helpful to those experiencing situational stress and triggers or difficulties adapting to a specific life change that is leading to anxious thoughts.
4. Medication: Another treatment option (in addition to talk therapy) is anti-anxiety medication. Anxiety disorders are complex, meaning there is no one-size-fits-all approach. The benefit of speaking with your doctor or psychiatrist is the ability to try different medications and determine what’s right for you. It’s important to be under medical supervision when starting, changing, or ending any medication regimen.⁷

How to Find a Therapist

One simple way to find a therapist is by searching an online therapist directory and reviewing the providers based on your preferences and insurance. Select a few to contact for initial conversations. Many therapists offer a free phone consultation that can give individuals or families an opportunity to evaluate whether or not they’re the right match.

Another way to locate a therapist is through personal reference. If you’re in a circle that can openly and safely discuss mental health resources, ask a friend for their recommendation. You might also request a referral from your physician. This gives them an opportunity to collaborate with you to identify the right type of treatment. Typically, a holistic approach to any kind of therapy should involve your physician or other specialists.

Cost of Therapy

The cost of therapy and coverage of treatment will depend on whether the provider you choose is in-network or out-of-network. It is not uncommon to have a copay even with an in-network provider; however, many providers are able to offer a sliding scale payment model. Always ask your provider about cost before starting therapy.

Final Thoughts on Dealing With Jealousy

If jealousy is taking over your life, consider talking to a therapist who specializes in jealousy and anxiety. Together, you will be able to develop a plan to help you better regulate feelings of jealousy and live a more balanced life.