All relationships have ups and downs that can feel intense from time to time. When the ups and downs become the norm and the fabric of the relationship, and if they are coupled with severe mood swings or tension in the relationship, it may be a trauma bond keeping you two together. A trauma bond in relationships is based on the attachment formed in between the ups and downs where there is semblance of normalcy.
What Is Trauma Bonding?
A trauma bond is an attachment between two people, one of which carries more power in some kind of way over the other. There are positive reinforcements after periods of emotional, physical, and/or mental abuse, thus leading to trauma bonding. This becomes a cycle as each time the abuse is perpetrated, the perpetrator shows remorse and makes attempts to repair the relationship.
What Is Trauma Bonding In a Relationship?
Trauma bonding often happens in the context of romantic relationships, and typically occurs where there is some kind of perceived abuse. Like any toxic relationship, there are severe fluctuations of mood within the relationship, and trauma bonding in relationships is on the same track.
When an argument or some kind of abuse occurs in the relationship, the goal becomes for that to not happen again, but each time it happens, it gets worse and more difficult to get out of. This is due to the deeper emotional attachment that happens after each cycle of relationship repair. Our brain looks for the best ways to survive and we believe that the perpetrator isn’t all bad, and so we continue to move forward.
It can be really confusing as you may feel true love and dependence and compassion for your partner who is perpetrating this on you. These feelings are valid and we all crave attachment, so as a way to survive, we find ways to adapt. It can also happen to anyone and can be really hard to identify for yourself.3
Why Does a Trauma Bonding Relationship Happen?
A trauma bond relationship happens because intense emotions are involved in cycles of abuse. When in a state of crisis, our sympathetic nervous system activates our fight or flight response. In this state of mind, we don’t think long term. The brain in this state is focused on surviving in the moment, which is why it’s also easy to become attached when there are positive reinforcements after something negative.
It can be an indicator of a toxic relationship, which can be treated if both parties are able to acknowledge this phenomenon in the relationship; however, in many situations it can be hard to unpack as this is common in relationships with narcissists as well as relationships between empaths and narcissists.4
Usually, an empath believes they can help the narcissist, so they pour themselves into showing the narcissist their worth, but the narcissist never will see it. The narcissist in this position will take advantage of the empath and see their compassion as weakness. The attraction between the two is profoundly due to their complementary desires, unhealthy as it may be to seek attention and validation from one another.
These are likely to become more problematic if the empath has a tendency to be more codependent in relationships. If this dynamic were to continue, it can certainly lead to deeper attachments, especially if there are any kind of positives in the relationship that give the empath glimmers of hope.
If the narcissist is able to keep the empath in a cycle of emotional or physical abuse and continue to demoralize them, they can use the empath as a scapegoat for their own dysfunctional feelings. Empaths tend to internalize feelings and accept blame, which is why getting into a relationship with a narcissist as an empath can be a really hard dynamic to break, especially if a trauma bond occurs.5
Trauma Bond Signs in a Relationship
It can be hard to spot signs of a trauma bond relationship, especially as there are varying stages of trauma bonding. Every relationship is different, but some common red flags include moving at a fast pace, oversharing with the other person too soon, love-bombing, and losing friendships due to the relationship.
Signs of a trauma bond relationship include:
- Moving at a fast pace
- Oversharing or sharing information about yourself too soon
- Overly loving or kind/love-bombing
- You lose friendships or other connections due to the relationship
- The relationship is consuming all your time
- You have no alone time or personal space
- You are afraid of leaving
- You make changes in your life and/or financially for a new relationship
Beware of Love Bombing
It can be hard to differentiate between love and love bombing at times; however, it’s important to understand and recognize the differences. Love bombing usually happens in a new relationship, when one partner goes above and beyond to show constant affection by way of lavish gifts, romantic gestures, or anything else that may seem quick for a new relationship.
Love bombing tends to be a pattern and usually filled with a lot of intensity. It can be hard to establish boundaries in a situation where you are experiencing love bombing. Love is nothing like this. Love feels safe and secure; it’s a mutual understanding where respect is always shown.
Trauma Bond vs. Love
Much like love bombing, trauma bonds can give the resemblance of love. They’re often confused for love because of the trying nature, and when you love someone, you do try. Trauma bond relationships are driven by fear, not love, which is the biggest differentiator between trauma bonds and love.6
How to Break a Trauma Bond
It can be hard to reconcile that you are in a trauma bonded relationship, but there are ways to recover and change the course of your relationship. It’s also important to honor your trauma and decide whether or not you actually want to continue in the relationship at all.
Here are four tips on how to break a trauma bonding relationship:
1. Make a Safe Exit Plan
If your partner starts to get angry and you feel they may become abusive, locate a safe area of the house where you can shelter or exit. Make sure these areas have access to a window and a phone. Try to avoid places with no exits such as closets and kitchens. Also, connect with a neighbor or friend and come up with a plan to leave the house and go elsewhere.
Make sure you have a packed bag with the essentials on hand (e.g., a key, car keys, clothes, cash, phone numbers, documents, etc.). Asking a friend or relative to keep copies of all of these is important as well. Make sure you have access to the location you are fleeing to, whether that is a shelter or a friend’s house so you are not stuck without a place to go to.
2. Talk About It With Supportive People & a Therapist
If you’re in an abusive situation and need help, there is no shame in that. Connect with trusted friends and loved ones to help you get to safety and out of the volatile relationship. There are many resources available that can help you heal from trauma and move forward, including therapy support.
Many domestic violence shelters and organizations give victims access to legal support, therapy, children’s services, healthcare, employment support, educational services, and financial assistance. Your information will remain private and protected as shelters are aware that abusers oftentimes search for their escaped victim.
3. Set Firm Boundaries or Go No-contact
While it can be difficult, it’s important to set firm boundaries; however, understand that the other person may try to push and test these limits. If the other person gets angry and attacks, or threatens to leave you, you will see their true colors.
4. Couples Therapy
Couples therapy is a great way to explore issues in the relationship, hear your partner, and find better ways to address issues moving forward. Learning ways to communicate and cope are also important elements of couples therapy.
Healing From a Trauma Bond Relationship
Therapy is very effective for treating relationship issues and the stress that comes from them. Being in a safe space to explore relationship issues and uncover their deeper meaning can be very empowering. Identifying the root cause of an issue or feeling is the first step towards recovery and/or moving forward from a trauma bond in a relationship.
Couples and individual therapy also allows for you to learn additional ways to manage relationship issues and expectations.1 It can be challenging to talk about with your partner, so it’s important to consider individual or couples therapy, depending on what your issues are. It is helpful to work with a therapist and explore your relationship patterns and childhood experiences. Digging deeper and laying out your history in your dysfunctional family can help point out where these relationship patterns come from.2
The best way to find a therapist for these types of relationships is by searching an online directory. Reading reviews and looking at clinician bios to understand their scope of practice can give you an idea of whether their experience suits your situation. Many therapists offer a free phone consultation and virtual/teletherapy visits
Another way to locate a therapist is by referral, which can come from a trusted loved one or a physician. Healthcare providers often have access to a network of other providers who can be helpful. Going through your physician or specialist is also a great way to keep them in the loop about any treatment options or trauma experienced in the relationship.
Final Thoughts
What you’re struggling with may be unique to you, but you’re not alone. If you are dealing with issues in your relationship and think you are in a trauma bond, talking to a therapist can make a big difference in how you feel. Abuse in any form should not be tolerated, and therapy and reaching out to your support system can make a big difference.
Trauma Bond Relationship Infographics
