Skip to content
  • Mental Health Issues
    • Anxiety
    • ADHD
    • Bipolar Disorder
    • Depression
    • Grief
    • OCD
    • Personality Disorders
    • PTSD
  • Relationships
    • Dating
    • Marriage
    • Sex & Intimacy
    • Infidelity
    • Relationships 101
  • Wellness
    • Anger
    • Burnout
    • Stress
    • Sleep
    • Meditation
    • Mindfulness
    • Yoga
  • Therapy
    • Starting Therapy
    • Types of Therapy
    • Best Online Therapy Services
    • Online Couples Therapy
    • Online Therapy for Teens
  • Medication
    • Anxiety Medication
    • Depression Medication
    • ADHD Medication
    • Best Online Psychiatrist Options
  • My Mental Health
    • Men
    • Women
    • BIPOC
    • LGBTQIA+
    • Parents
    • Teens
  • About Us
    • Editorial Policy
    • Advertising Policy
    • About Us
    • Find a Local Therapist
    • Join Our Free Directory

Join our Newsletter

Get helpful tips and the latest information

Choosing Therapy on Facebook
Choosing Therapy on Instagram
Choosing Therapy on Twitter
Choosing Therapy on Linkedin
Choosing Therapy on Pinterest
Choosing Therapy on Tiktok
Choosing Therapy on Youtube
Choosing Therapy Logo

Newsletter

  • Mental Health Issues
    • Anxiety
    • ADHD
    • Bipolar Disorder
    • Depression
    • Grief
    • OCD
    • Personality Disorders
    • PTSD
  • Relationships
    • Dating
    • Marriage
    • Sex & Intimacy
    • Infidelity
    • Relationships 101
  • Wellness
    • Anger
    • Burnout
    • Stress
    • Sleep
    • Meditation
    • Mindfulness
    • Yoga
  • Therapy
    • Starting Therapy
    • Types of Therapy
    • Best Online Therapy Services
    • Online Couples Therapy
    • Online Therapy for Teens
  • Medication
    • Anxiety Medication
    • Depression Medication
    • ADHD Medication
    • Best Online Psychiatrist Options
  • My Mental Health
    • Men
    • Women
    • BIPOC
    • LGBTQIA+
    • Parents
    • Teens
  • About Us
    • Editorial Policy
    • Advertising Policy
    • About Us
    • Find a Local Therapist
    • Join Our Free Directory
  • DefinitionDefinition
  • In RelationshipsIn Relationships
  • CausesCauses
  • SignsSigns
  • TipsTips
  • HealingHealing
  • ConclusionConclusion
  • ResourcesResources

Trauma Bonds In Relationships

Silvi Saxena MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C

Written by: Silvi Saxena, MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C

Kristen Fuller, MD

Reviewed by: Kristen Fuller, MD

Published: July 5, 2022
Headshot of Silvi Saxena, MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C
Written by:

Silvi Saxena

MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C
Headshot of Dr. Kristen Fuller, MD
Reviewed by:

Kristen Fuller

MD

All relationships have ups and downs that can feel intense from time to time. When the ups and downs become the norm and the fabric of the relationship, and if they are coupled with severe mood swings or tension in the relationship, it may be a trauma bond keeping you two together. A trauma bond in relationships is based on the attachment formed in between the ups and downs where there is semblance of normalcy.

Relationships aren’t perfect. Navigate the ups and downs in therapy. BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you.

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for marketing by BetterHelp

Visit BetterHelp

What Is Trauma Bonding?

A trauma bond is an attachment between two people, one of which carries more power in some kind of way over the other. There are positive reinforcements after periods of emotional, physical, and/or mental abuse, thus leading to trauma bonding. This becomes a cycle as each time the abuse is perpetrated, the perpetrator shows remorse and makes attempts to repair the relationship.

What Is Trauma Bonding In a Relationship?

Trauma bonding often happens in the context of romantic relationships, and typically occurs where there is some kind of perceived abuse. Like any toxic relationship, there are severe fluctuations of mood within the relationship, and trauma bonding in relationships is on the same track.

When an argument or some kind of abuse occurs in the relationship, the goal becomes for that to not happen again, but each time it happens, it gets worse and more difficult to get out of. This is due to the deeper emotional attachment that happens after each cycle of relationship repair. Our brain looks for the best ways to survive and we believe that the perpetrator isn’t all bad, and so we continue to move forward.

It can be really confusing as you may feel true love and dependence and compassion for your partner who is perpetrating this on you. These feelings are valid and we all crave attachment, so as a way to survive, we find ways to adapt. It can also happen to anyone and can be really hard to identify for yourself.3

Why Does a Trauma Bonding Relationship Happen?

A trauma bond relationship happens because intense emotions are involved in cycles of abuse. When in a state of crisis, our sympathetic nervous system activates our fight or flight response. In this state of mind, we don’t think long term. The brain in this state is focused on surviving in the moment, which is why it’s also easy to become attached when there are positive reinforcements after something negative.

It can be an indicator of a toxic relationship, which can be treated if both parties are able to acknowledge this phenomenon in the relationship; however, in many situations it can be hard to unpack as this is common in relationships with narcissists as well as relationships between empaths and narcissists.4

Usually, an empath believes they can help the narcissist, so they pour themselves into showing the narcissist their worth, but the narcissist never will see it. The narcissist in this position will take advantage of the empath and see their compassion as weakness. The attraction between the two is profoundly due to their complementary desires, unhealthy as it may be to seek attention and validation from one another.

These are likely to become more problematic if the empath has a tendency to be more codependent in relationships. If this dynamic were to continue, it can certainly lead to deeper attachments, especially if there are any kind of positives in the relationship that give the empath glimmers of hope.

If the narcissist is able to keep the empath in a cycle of emotional or physical abuse and continue to demoralize them, they can use the empath as a scapegoat for their own dysfunctional feelings. Empaths tend to internalize feelings and accept blame, which is why getting into a relationship with a narcissist as an empath can be a really hard dynamic to break, especially if a trauma bond occurs.5

Trauma Bond Signs in a Relationship

It can be hard to spot signs of a trauma bond relationship, especially as there are varying stages of trauma bonding. Every relationship is different, but some common red flags include moving at a fast pace, oversharing with the other person too soon, love-bombing, and losing friendships due to the relationship.

Signs of a trauma bond relationship include:

  • Moving at a fast pace
  • Oversharing or sharing information about yourself too soon
  • Overly loving or kind/love-bombing
  • You lose friendships or other connections due to the relationship
  • The relationship is consuming all your time
  • You have no alone time or personal space
  • You are afraid of leaving
  • You make changes in your life and/or financially for a new relationship

Beware of Love Bombing

It can be hard to differentiate between love and love bombing at times; however, it’s important to understand and recognize the differences. Love bombing usually happens in a new relationship, when one partner goes above and beyond to show constant affection by way of lavish gifts, romantic gestures, or anything else that may seem quick for a new relationship.

Love bombing tends to be a pattern and usually filled with a lot of intensity. It can be hard to establish boundaries in a situation where you are experiencing love bombing. Love is nothing like this. Love feels safe and secure; it’s a mutual understanding where respect is always shown.

Trauma Bond vs. Love

Much like love bombing, trauma bonds can give the resemblance of love. They’re often confused for love because of the trying nature, and when you love someone, you do try. Trauma bond relationships are driven by fear, not love, which is the biggest differentiator between trauma bonds and love.6

How to Break a Trauma Bond

It can be hard to reconcile that you are in a trauma bonded relationship, but there are ways to recover and change the course of your relationship. It’s also important to honor your trauma and decide whether or not you actually want to continue in the relationship at all.

Here are four tips on how to break a trauma bonding relationship:

1. Make a Safe Exit Plan

If your partner starts to get angry and you feel they may become abusive, locate a safe area of the house where you can shelter or exit. Make sure these areas have access to a window and a phone. Try to avoid places with no exits such as closets and kitchens. Also, connect with a neighbor or friend and come up with a plan to leave the house and go elsewhere.

Make sure you have a packed bag with the essentials on hand (e.g., a key, car keys, clothes, cash, phone numbers, documents, etc.). Asking a friend or relative to keep copies of all of these is important as well. Make sure you have access to the location you are fleeing to, whether that is a shelter or a friend’s house so you are not stuck without a place to go to.

2. Talk About It With Supportive People & a Therapist

If you’re in an abusive situation and need help, there is no shame in that. Connect with trusted friends and loved ones to help you get to safety and out of the volatile relationship. There are many resources available that can help you heal from trauma and move forward, including therapy support.

Many domestic violence shelters and organizations give victims access to legal support, therapy, children’s services, healthcare, employment support, educational services, and financial assistance. Your information will remain private and protected as shelters are aware that abusers oftentimes search for their escaped victim.

Ready To Invest In Improving Your Relationship

OurRelationship (Free Couples Course) – OurRelationship has been proven to help couples improve communication, intimacy, and trust. 94% would recommend it to a friend. Get Started


Individual Therapy – Happy, healthy relationships start with YOU. Try online therapy and bring your best self to your relationships. BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. Visit BetterHelp


Couples Therapy – Work together to restore trust and rekindle loving feelings. Video and text based couples counseling start at $50 per week. Try Online-Therapy

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for marketing by Our Relationship, BetterHelp, and Online-Therapy.

3. Set Firm Boundaries or Go No-contact

While it can be difficult, it’s important to set firm boundaries; however, understand that the other person may try to push and test these limits. If the other person gets angry and attacks, or threatens to leave you, you will see their true colors.

4. Couples Therapy

Couples therapy is a great way to explore issues in the relationship, hear your partner, and find better ways to address issues moving forward. Learning ways to communicate and cope are also important elements of couples therapy.

Healing From a Trauma Bond Relationship

Therapy is very effective for treating relationship issues and the stress that comes from them. Being in a safe space to explore relationship issues and uncover their deeper meaning can be very empowering. Identifying the root cause of an issue or feeling is the first step towards recovery and/or moving forward from a trauma bond in a relationship.

Couples and individual therapy also allows for you to learn additional ways to manage relationship issues and expectations.1 It can be challenging to talk about with your partner, so it’s important to consider individual or couples therapy, depending on what your issues are. It is helpful to work with a therapist and explore your relationship patterns and childhood experiences. Digging deeper and laying out your history in your dysfunctional family can help point out where these relationship patterns come from.2

The best way to find the right therapist for these types of relationships is by searching an online directory. Reading reviews and looking at clinician bios to understand their scope of practice can give you an idea of whether their experience suits your situation. Many therapists offer a free phone consultation and virtual/teletherapy visits

Another way to locate a therapist is by referral, which can come from a trusted loved one or a physician. Healthcare providers often have access to a network of other providers who can be helpful. Going through your physician or specialist is also a great way to keep them in the loop about any treatment options or trauma experienced in the relationship.

Final Thoughts

What you’re struggling with may be unique to you, but you’re not alone. If you are dealing with issues in your relationship and think you are in a trauma bond, talking to a therapist can make a big difference in how you feel. Abuse in any form should not be tolerated, and therapy and reaching out to your support system can make a big difference.

Additional Resources

Education is just the first step on our path to improved mental health and emotional wellness. To help our readers take the next step in their journey, Choosing Therapy has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. Choosing Therapy may be compensated for marketing by the companies mentioned below.

Online Therapy 

BetterHelp – Get support and guidance from a licensed therapist. BetterHelp has over 25,000 therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. Take A Free Online Assessment and get matched with the right therapist for you. Free Assessment

Online PTSD treatment

Talkiatry offers personalized care from psychiatrists who listen, and take insurance. Get matched with a specialist in just 15 minutes. Take our assessment.

Treatment For Trauma & OCD

Half of people diagnosed with OCD have experienced a traumatic life event. The chronic exposure to stressful situations, such as ongoing bullying, or an abusive relationship can lead to the development of OCD symptoms. NOCD therapists specialize in treating both trauma and OCD and are in-network with many insurance plans. Visit NOCD

Trauma & Abuse Newsletter

A free newsletter for those impacted by trauma or abuse. Get encouragement, helpful tips, and the latest information. Sign Up

Choosing Therapy Directory 

You can search for therapists by specialty, experience, insurance, or price, and location. Find a therapist today.

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for marketing by BetterHelp, Talkiatry, and NOCD. 

Stories You Might Like


Self-punishment: a sign of depression, trauma, or OCD?

Self-punishment is a term that refers to behaviors or actions people engage in to inflict pain or harm upon themselves. These actions can show up in all kinds of ways and can include self-harm, negative self-talk, or engaging in risky behaviors. Understanding the underlying causes of self-punishment is crucial for identifying and providing appropriate support to people caught up in these damaging habits. Read More

Can your PTSD Trigger OCD

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) are two commonly known anxiety disorders that can often co-occur in people with a history of trauma. While OCD is thought to affect millions of people, studies have found that nearly 30% of people with PTSD also experience OCD. Read More

This content is sponsored By NOCD.

Trauma Bond Relationship Infographics

What is Trauma Bonding? Trauma Bond Signs In a Relatonship How to Break a Trauma Bond

Sources

Choosing Therapy strives to provide our readers with mental health content that is accurate and actionable. We have high standards for what can be cited within our articles. Acceptable sources include government agencies, universities and colleges, scholarly journals, industry and professional associations, and other high-integrity sources of mental health journalism. Learn more by reviewing our full editorial policy.

  • Beasley, C. C., & Ager, R. (2019). Emotionally focused couples therapy: a systematic review of its effectiveness over the past 19 years. Journal of Evidence-Based Social Work, 16(2), 144-159. https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2019-00536-001

  • Thiruvananthapuram, A. (2019). Codependency and marital satisfaction among married adults. Loyola College of Social Sciences. http://digitallibrary.loyolacollegekerala.edu.in:8080/jspui/bitstream/123456789/1740/1/Aswhathy%20A.pdf

  • Unthank, K. W. (2019). How self-blame empowers and disempowers survivors of interpersonal trauma: An intuitive inquiry. Qualitative Psychology, 6(3), 359.https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2019-60753-005

  • Koch, M. (2018). Women of Intimate Partner Abuse: Traumatic Bonding Phenomenon (Doctoral dissertation, Walden University). https://scholarworks.waldenu.edu/dissertations/5738/

  • Bacon, H., & Richardson, S. (2001). Attachment theory and child abuse: An overview of the literature for practitioners. Child Abuse Review: Journal of the British Association for the Study and Prevention of Child Abuse and Neglect, 10(6), 377-397. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1002/car.718

  • Casassa, K., Knight, L., & Mengo, C. (2021). Trauma bonding perspectives from service providers and survivors of sex trafficking: A scoping review. Trauma, violence, & abuse, 1524838020985542. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/33455528/

Show more

Recent Articles

Anxiety After a Breakup 10 Tips to Cope
Anxiety After a Breakup: 10 Tips to Cope
Breakups often lead to a lot of change, which can make people feel uncomfortable and uncertain. Anxiety after a...
';
Can You Be Friends With Your Ex
Can You Be Friends With Your Ex?
You and your ex recently ended your romantic ties, and you’re wondering if you should try to remain friends...
';
Dating an Alcoholic
Signs You’re Dating an Alcoholic & How to Cope
Dating someone who may be an alcoholic can be difficult. You may feel frustrated, resentful, and angry when dealing...
';
What Is a Queerplatonic Relationship
What Is a Queerplatonic Relationship?
Queerplatonic relationships are alternative relationship styles that do not include solely heteronormative, monogamous relationships.
';
boring sex
Boring Sex: Causes & How to Fix It
Sex can be an exciting element of your sexuality. If you are having sex with a new partner, the...
';
10 Types of Intimacy in a Relationship
10 Types of Intimacy in a Relationship
More often than not, when we think of intimacy, we think of sex. But intimacy is so much more...
';
  • DefinitionDefinition
  • In RelationshipsIn Relationships
  • CausesCauses
  • SignsSigns
  • TipsTips
  • HealingHealing
  • ConclusionConclusion
  • ResourcesResources
Choosing Therapy Logo White
  • About Us
  • Contact Us
  • Write for Us
  • Careers
  • Editorial Policy
  • Advertising Policy
  • Privacy Policy
  • Terms of Service

FOR IMMEDIATE HELP CALL:

Medical Emergency: 911

Suicide Hotline: 988

View More Crisis Hotlines
Choosing Therapy on Facebook
Choosing Therapy on Instagram
Choosing Therapy on Twitter
Choosing Therapy on Linkedin
Choosing Therapy on Pinterest
Choosing Therapy on Tiktok
Choosing Therapy on Youtube

© 2023 Choosing Therapy, Inc. All rights reserved.