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What Is a Narcissistic Abuse Cycle & How Does It Work?

Published: November 18, 2021
Published: 11/18/2021
Headshot of Silvi Saxena, MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C
Written by:

Silvi Saxena

MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C
Headshot of Naveed Saleh, MD, MS
Reviewed by:

Naveed Saleh

MD, MS
  • What Is the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle?Narcissistic Abuse Cycles
  • Stage 1: Idealization1. Idealization
  • Stage 2: Devaluation2. Devaluation
  • Stage 3: Rejection3. Rejection
  • The Impact of the Narcissistic Abuse CycleImpacts of the Cycle
  • How to Break the Cycle of Narcissistic AbuseBreaking the Cycle
  • Healing From Narcissistic AbuseHow to Heal
  • Final ThoughtsConclusion
  • Additional ResourcesResources
  • Narcissistic Abuse Cycle InfographicsInfographics
Headshot of Silvi Saxena, MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C
Written by:

Silvi Saxena

MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C
Headshot of Naveed Saleh, MD, MS
Reviewed by:

Naveed Saleh

MD, MS

The narcissistic abuse cycle is a pattern of manipulation and calculated abuse the narcissist uses to confuse a partner and make them question their reality. The narcissist will start by idealizing the person, then devaluing them, before finally rejecting and discarding them. Each phase works in tandem with the other to keep someone entangled in the narcissist’s web.

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What Is the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle?

Narcissistic abuse follows a specific cycle of idealization, devaluation, and rejection. Narcissists tend to deflect all of their feelings onto others because of the pain they feel about their own emotions. They too may have had narcissistic caregivers or parents or experienced some traumatic event that shaped their upbringing. However, this is not an excuse for the physical and emotional abuse inflicted on their victims.

Narcissists behave in certain ways because they are unlikely to consider their actions as problems. Until they are able to reflect on these behaviors, the narcissist will not change. Unfortunately, their victims are left feeling entirely hopeless and stuck in this cycle of abuse.1

Stage 1: Idealization

In the idealization phase, the relationship is new and everything feels wonderful. The excitement of this newness is alive and joy is overflowing. This is often referred to as the honeymoon stage. However, in narcissistic abuse cycles, this is considered idealization. The narcissist will put a partner on a pedestal and make them feel perfect or incapable of wrongdoing. This can feel nice at first, but it escalates quickly and becomes overpowering and overwhelming to the partner.2

The idealization phase may include these types of behaviors:

  • Love-bombing
  • Giving a lot of attention given to the partner
  • Grandiose gestures
  • Elaborate gifts and dates
  • Discussing marriage early on
  • Lack of boundaries
  • Attempts to isolate partner in the name of love
  • Quickly moving into intimacy
  • A sense of ownership of the partner and relationship

Stage 2: Devaluation

After the honeymoon stage wears off, couples tend to form a routine that they can count on and establish together. Most couples will grow deeper in their intimacy and learn problem-solving skills as they continue to develop the relationship. However, the next phase of the narcissistic abuse cycle is devaluation in which the narcissist removes their partner from the pedestal. Now, the partner will feel worthless as the narcissist begins to put them down, possibly by using verbal or physical abuse and physical intimacy as a weapon. When confronted, the narcissist plays the role of the victim (known as narcissistic injury) and continues to devalue their partner.2

The devaluation phase may include behaviors like:

  • Attempting to change their partner
  • Increasing criticism and insults
  • Narcissistic gaslighting
  • Physical threats
  • Poor or lack of communication
  • Increased violation of boundaries
  • Narcissistic triangulation
  • Increased control over their partner
  • Withholding physical, emotional, and sexual intimacy

Stage 3: Rejection

In a healthy relationship, disagreements and conflicts are navigated with grace and patience as both partners are capable of solving issues and moving forward together. In the rejection phase, the narcissist places all the blame and downfall of the relationship on their partner. The narcissist will discard their partner, especially if they are no longer getting their fill of ego-boosting attention and affirmations in the relationship. They are not interested in love and security. The narcissist in this scenario will complete their cycle of abuse and move on to the next victim.2

The rejection phase may include these types of behaviors:

  • Feelings of contempt and rage
  • Betraying the relationship
  • Invalidating their partner’s emotions
  • Placing the blame on their partner
  • Playing the victim
  • Physical, emotional, and verbal abuse
  • Ending the relationship permanently or temporarily with attempts to continue this cycle of abuse

The Impact of the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

The narcissist will continue to demoralize victims and use them as the scapegoat for the narcissist’s own dysfunctional feelings. Those who care for the narcissist tend to internalize feelings and accept blame, all while the narcissist portrays themselves as the victim.

The only option someone has is to decide whether or not they want to continue to be in a relationship.  Sometimes, removing themselves from the equation and breaking up with the narcissist is the best option. However, it is likely that the victim has formed a trauma bond with the narcissist, which can be hard to break out of or even recognize. This further continues the damaging abusive cycle. When a partner has met their usefulness, the narcissist will discard the victim instantaneously or hurt them, which is a common behavior a narcissist does at the end of a relationship. The impacts on the survivor include severe emotional, psychological, and sometimes physical injuries, an experience often referred to as narcissistic abuse syndrome.3

It’s likely that many who have survived narcissist abuse experience:

  • Depression
  • Anxiety
  • PTSD
  • Shame
  • Guilt
  • Anger
  • Fear
  • Sleep issues
  • Eating issues
  • Hygiene issues

Are you dating or married to a narcissist?

Whether you’re trying to move on or rebuild a relationship, a licensed therapist can guide you. BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. Visit BetterHelp

Is your mother, father, or family member a narcissist?

Being raised by a narcissist can damage your confidence and self-esteem. A therapist from Online-Therapy can help you both heal from the past, and manage the relationship to be less harmful.  Counseling starts at $50 per week. Try Online-Therapy

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How to Break the Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse

It’s no secret that trying to break free from and deal with a narcissist in your life will be hard. First, it’s important to set firm boundaries and understand the narcissist will try to push and test these limits. Don’t be fooled into thinking that your efforts will be appreciated. Rather, recognize what the relationship looks like from an objective lens, which may come from a therapist or loved one.

To further break away from the cycle of narcissist abuse, allow the narcissist to sit in their discomfort. Do not soothe their hurt feelings or ego at the expense of your own emotions. This could become another avenue for the cycle to perpetuate. The narcissist will only take, giving nothing in return. Second chances never work with narcissists. If they feel they are going to lose you from their life, the narcissist will do what they need to do to ensure you fall right back into their trap.4

Healing From Narcissistic Abuse

Recovering from narcissistic abuse is a long process that takes time, so it is critical you allow yourself grace during this time. Make sure you have a safe environment to begin healing, seek support from loved ones, and consider seeking therapy. It can be challenging to talk about, but processing your experience is beneficial.

Given the emotionally volatile and abusive nature of narcissistic relationships, it’s important to seek help immediately if you feel you are in danger. You do not need to endure any kind of abuse and are not obligated to stay or try to work things out. Abuse should never be tolerated and a therapist can help normalize this until you really believe it.5 

Final Thoughts

If you are dealing with a cycle of narcissist abuse in a relationship, talking to a therapist who specializes in this area can make a big difference in how you feel. Together, you and your therapist will develop a plan to help you through this situation and establish a safety plan if you feel you are in danger. Remember, you can break free from this cycle.

Additional Resources

Education is just the first step on our path to improved mental health and emotional wellness. To help our readers take the next step in their journey, Choosing Therapy has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. Choosing Therapy may be compensated for marketing by the companies mentioned below.

Online Therapy

BetterHelp – Get support and guidance from a licensed therapist. BetterHelp has over 20,000 therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy.  Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you. Get Started

Online-Therapy – Online-Therapy.com provides a weekly live video session, unlimited text messaging, and self-guided activities like journaling. Starting at $64 per week, this is one of the most affordable options for CBT therapy. Try Online-Therapy

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A free newsletter from Choosing Therapy for those recovering from narcissistic abuse. Get helpful tips and the latest information. Sign Up

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For Further Reading

  • Narcissistic Abuse Support
  • Narcissism & Abuse: The Hotline
  • Narcissistic Abuse Survivors
  • Narcissistic Domestic Violence Healing & Support

Narcissistic Abuse Cycle Infographics

What Is the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle? How to Break the Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse Healing From Narcissistic Abuse

5 sources

Choosing Therapy strives to provide our readers with mental health content that is accurate and actionable. We have high standards for what can be cited within our articles. Acceptable sources include government agencies, universities and colleges, scholarly journals, industry and professional associations, and other high-integrity sources of mental health journalism. Learn more by reviewing our full editorial policy.

  • Roberts, M. D. (2021). Moth to a Flame: an Investigation of the Personality Traits and Early-Life Trauma Histories of Women Who Have Survived Adult Relationships with Men with Pathological Narcissism. Doctoral dissertation, University of Missouri-Saint Louis.

  • Harrison, J., & Dixon, M. (2019). Narcissist Abuse Recovery: The Ultimate Guide for How to Understand, Cope, and Move on from Narcissism in Toxic Relationships (Vol. 1). Bernard Pardieu.

  • Zadeh, P. K. (2017). Theoretical Considerations for Understanding the Nature of Relational Trauma and Loss of Interpersonal Self-Esteem of Women in Narcissistic Relationships. Doctoral dissertation, Antioch University.

  • Koepernik, T., Jauk, E. & Kanske, P. (2021). Lay theories of grandiose and vulnerable narcissism. Current Psychology.

  • Murphy, C. M., et al. (2020). Individual versus group cognitive-behavioral therapy for partner-violent men: a preliminary randomized trial. Journal of interpersonal violence, 35(15-16), 2846-2868.

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Headshot of Silvi Saxena, MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C
Written by:

Silvi Saxena

MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C
Headshot of Naveed Saleh, MD, MS
Reviewed by:

Naveed Saleh

MD, MS
  • What Is the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle?Narcissistic Abuse Cycles
  • Stage 1: Idealization1. Idealization
  • Stage 2: Devaluation2. Devaluation
  • Stage 3: Rejection3. Rejection
  • The Impact of the Narcissistic Abuse CycleImpacts of the Cycle
  • How to Break the Cycle of Narcissistic AbuseBreaking the Cycle
  • Healing From Narcissistic AbuseHow to Heal
  • Final ThoughtsConclusion
  • Additional ResourcesResources
  • Narcissistic Abuse Cycle InfographicsInfographics
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