What Is a Narcissistic Abuse Cycle & How Does It Work?

What Is the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle?

The narcissistic abuse cycle is a recurring pattern of behavior involving four distinct stages in abusive relationships, characterized by manipulation and control. Victims often find themselves trapped in this cycle, struggling to make sense of the emotional turmoil they experience. Recognizing this pattern of narcissistic abuse is the first step towards understanding and addressing it.

The cycle’s repetitive nature makes it difficult for victims to see the emotional abuse clearly and often leads to feelings of confusion and self-doubt. Understanding the dynamics of this cycle can help victims identify the signs and seek the support they need to break free.

Are You Trapped in A Narcissistic Abuse Cycle?

Use our free narcissistic abuse cycle worksheet below to recognize abuse patterns and document incidents you can share with your therapist.

Narcissistic Abuse Cycle Worksheet

Track your narcissistic partner’s behaviors, your feelings and responses to recognize if you’re in a narcissistic abuse cycle.

Download Free Worksheet

Stage 1: Idealization

In the idealization phase, the relationship is new or starting over, and everything feels wonderful. The excitement of this newness is alive and joy is overflowing. This is often referred to as the honeymoon stage. However, in narcissistic abuse cycles, this is considered idealization. The narcissist will put a partner on a pedestal and make them feel perfect or incapable of wrongdoing. This can feel nice at first, but it escalates quickly and becomes overpowering and overwhelming to the partner.²

The idealization phase may include these types of behaviors:

• Love-bombing
• Giving a lot of attention to the partner
• Grandiose gestures
• Elaborate gifts and dates
• Discussing marriage early on
• Lack of boundaries
• Attempts to isolate partner in the name of love
• Quickly moving into intimacy
• A sense of ownership of the partner and relationship

Stage 2: Devaluation

After the honeymoon stage wears off, couples tend to form a routine that they can count on and establish together. Most couples will grow deeper in their intimacy and learn problem-solving skills as they continue to develop the relationship. However, the next phase of the narcissistic abuse cycle is devaluation in which the narcissist removes their partner from the pedestal. Now, the partner will feel worthless as the narcissist begins to put them down, possibly by using verbal or physical abuse and physical intimacy as a weapon. When confronted, the narcissist plays the role of the victim (known as narcissistic injury) and continues to devalue their partner.²

The devaluation phase may include behaviors like:

• Attempting to change their partner
• Increasing criticism and insults
• Narcissistic gaslighting
• Physical threats
• Poor or lack of communication
• Increased violation of boundaries
• Narcissistic triangulation
• Increased control over their partner
• Withholding physical, emotional, and sexual intimacy

Stage 3: Rejection

In a healthy relationship, disagreements and conflicts are navigated with grace and patience as both partners are capable of solving issues and moving forward together. In the rejection phase, the narcissist places all the blame and downfall of the relationship on their partner. The narcissist will discard their partner, especially if they are no longer getting their fill of ego-boosting attention and affirmations in the relationship. They are not interested in love and security. The narcissist in this scenario will complete their cycle of abuse and move on to the next victim, or attempt to re-engage their partner and start over.²

The rejection phase may include these types of behaviors:

• Feelings of contempt and rage
• Betraying the relationship
• Invalidating their partner’s emotions
• Placing the blame on their partner
• Playing the victim
• Physical, emotional, and verbal abuse
• Ending the relationship permanently or temporarily with attempts to continue this cycle of abuse

Stage 4: Hoovering/Re-engagement

The narcissistic hoovering or re-engagement stages refers to the narcissist’s attempt to reconnect and reconcile after a period of withdrawal. Hoovering can come in many different forms, including exacerbating crises, engaging in love-bombing tactics, or spreading rumors. These efforts are intended to suck people back into the relationship. Hoovering can create immense distress, making it challenging to disengage or move on.

The hoovering phase may include these types of behaviors:

• Repeatedly reaching out, apologizing, and making promises to change if their victim comes back to the relationship
• Threatening to hurt themselves or others due to their emotional pain
• Sending expensive or thoughtful presents
• Lying or exaggerating about your behavior to others to have those people reach out to you on their behalf
• Showing up at your work or home
• Claiming to “accidentally” text you or call you when making contact

The Impact of the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

The narcissist will continue to demoralize victims and use them as the scapegoat for the narcissist’s own dysfunctional feelings. Those who care for the narcissist tend to internalize feelings and accept blame, all while the narcissist portrays themselves as the victim.

The only option someone has is to decide whether or not they want to continue to be in a relationship.  Sometimes, removing themselves from the equation and breaking up with the narcissist is the best option. However, it is likely that the victim has formed a trauma bond with the narcissist, which can be hard to break out of or even recognize. This further continues the damaging abusive cycle. When a partner has met their usefulness, the narcissist will discard the victim instantaneously or hurt them, which is a common behavior a narcissist does at the end of a relationship. The impacts on the survivor include severe emotional, psychological, and sometimes physical injuries, an experience often referred to as narcissistic abuse syndrome.³

It’s likely that many who have survived narcissist abuse experience:

• Depression
• Anxiety
• PTSD
• Shame
• Guilt
• Anger
• Fear
• Sleep issues
• Eating issues
• Hygiene issues

How to Break the Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse

It’s no secret that trying to break free from and deal with a narcissist in your life will be hard. First, it’s important to set firm boundaries and understand the narcissist will try to push and test these limits. Don’t be fooled into thinking that your efforts will be appreciated. Rather, recognize what the relationship looks like from an objective lens, which may come from a therapist or loved one.

To further break away from the cycle of narcissist abuse, allow the narcissist to sit in their discomfort. Do not soothe their hurt feelings or ego at the expense of your own emotions. This could become another avenue for the cycle to perpetuate. The narcissist will only take, giving nothing in return. Second chances never work with narcissists. If they feel they are going to lose you from their life, the narcissist will do what they need to do to ensure you fall right back into their trap.⁴

How to Cope With Narcissistic Abuse

Coping with narcissistic abuse can be challenging and painful. However, it’s important to establish clear boundaries for yourself and seek support. Doing so can help you navigate this tender time.

Here are some tips for preventing and coping with narcissistic abuse:

• Know and communicate your boundaries: Explicitly state what you will and will not tolerate from others. Identify which consequences you will implement if boundaries are crossed.
• Give your relationships time to develop: Real relationships take time and trust to unfold. If things feel like they’re moving too quickly, consider that this may be a red flag (even if you feel excited).
• Seek support from friends and family: Narcissistic abuse can result in feeling isolated from loved ones. Remember that people care about you, so try to reach out and stay connected, even if you feel embarrassed, anxious, or ashamed. This is the time to lean on others.
• Acknowledge your hurt: It is important to remember that your feelings are real and valid. Remind yourself that it’s okay to feel whatever emotions arise in response to your relationship.
• Make a safety plan: If you’re concerned about your well-being, make a safety plan with a trusted professional or loved one. You may need this plan in place to ensure a smooth transition out of the relationship.
• Practice self-care: As much as possible, try to nurture the relationship you have with yourself. This may take time and effort, but remember that you are unquestionably worth loving.

Healing From Narcissistic Abuse

Recovering from narcissistic abuse is a long process that takes time, so it is critical you allow yourself grace during this time. Make sure you have a safe environment to begin healing, seek support from loved ones, and consider seeking therapy. It can be challenging to talk about, but processing your experience is beneficial.

Given the emotionally volatile and abusive nature of narcissistic relationships, it’s important to seek help immediately if you feel you are in danger. You do not need to endure any kind of abuse and are not obligated to stay or try to work things out. Abuse should never be tolerated and a therapist can help normalize this until you really believe it.⁵