The narcissistic abuse cycle is a pattern of highs and lows in which the narcissist confuses their partner through manipulation and calculated behaviors aimed at making their partner question themselves. The cycle has three specific phases: Idealization, devaluation, and rejection. Each works in tandem with the other in order to keep someone entangled in the narcissist’s web.
This cycle is dangerous and can make the victim question their own reality and wind up staying in an abusive narcissistic relationship because their world and worth are so beaten down.
What Is the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle?
Narcissistic abuse follows a specific cycle of idealization, devaluation, and rejection. Narcissists tend to deflect all their feelings onto others because of the pain they feel about their own feelings. They too may have had narcissist caregivers or parents, or experienced some kind of abuse or traumatic event which shaped their upbringing. However, this is not an excuse for the emotional and physical abuse inflicted on their victims.
Narcissists behave in certain ways because they are unlikely to consider their actions as problems. Until they are able to reflect on their own behaviors and feel their feelings, the narcissist will not change and their victims will feel worthless if they’re stuck in the cycle.1
Stage 1: Idealization
In the idealization phase, couples are new in the relationship and everything feels wonderful. The excitement of the newness of the relationship is alive and feelings of joy are overflowing. This is referred to as a honeymoon stage. In narcissistic abuse cycles, the honeymoon stage is referred to as idealization. The narcissist will put their partner on a pedestal and view them as someone who is perfect and can do no wrong. This can feel nice at first, however, it escalates quickly and becomes overpowering and overwhelming to the partner.2
The idealization phase may include these types of behaviors:
- Love-bombing
- A lot of attention given to partner
- Grandiose gestures
- Elaborate gifts and dates
- Discussing marriage
- Lack of boundaries
- Attempts to isolate partner in the name of love
- Quickly moving into intimacy
- Creates a sense of ownership of partner and the relationship
Stage 2: Devaluation
After the honeymoon stage wears off, couples tend to form a routine that they can count on and which they establish together. Most couples during this phase grow deeper in their intimacy and learn problem-solving skills as they continue to develop the relationship. In narcissistic abuse cycles, this next stage is when the narcissist devalues their partner. Their partner suddenly falls off the pedestal and therefore is viewed as worthless. The narcissist begins to put their partner down, often using verbal or physical abuse, and they may use physical intimacy as a weapon. When confronted, the narcissist plays the role of the victim (known as narcissistic injury) and continues to devalue their partner.2
The devaluation phase may include behaviors like:
- Attempting to change their partner
- Increasing criticism and insults
- Gaslighting
- Physical threats
- Poor or lack of communication
- Increased violation of boundaries
- Triangulation
- More isolation or control over their partner
- Withholding physical, emotional, and sexual intimacy
Stage 3: Rejection
In a healthy relationship, disagreements and conflict are navigated with grace and patience, and both partners are capable of solving issues and moving forward together. In the rejection phase, the narcissist rejects their partner and places all the blame and downfall of the relationship on their partner.
They discard their partner at this point and are no longer getting their fill of ego-boosting attention and affirmations from their partner. They are not interested in love and security. The narcissist in this scenario will complete their cycle of abuse and find another partner to begin this abuse cycle with.2
The rejection phase may include these types of behaviors:
- Feelings of contempt and rage
- Betraying the relationship
- Invalidating their partner’s emotions and placing all the blame on them
- Playing the victim
- Physical, emotional, and verbal abuse
- Ending the relationship permanently or temporarily with attempts to continue this cycle of abuse
The Impact of the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle
The narcissist is able to keep victims in a cycle of emotional and/or physical abuse and continue to demoralize them and use them as the scapegoat for their own dysfunctional feelings. Those who care for the narcissist tend to internalize feelings and accept blame. The narcissists then portray themselves as the victim.
The only option someone has is to decide whether they want to continue to be in a relationship or take themselves out of the equation and break up with the narcissist. If the former, it’s likely that the victim has formed a trauma bond with the narcissist which can be hard to break out of or even recognize, and further continues the damaging abusive cycle through love bombing and then devaluation. If the latter, a narcissist at the end of a relationship will discard the victim instantaneously or hurt them. The impact on the survivor are severe emotional, psychological, and even sometimes physical injuries, often referred to as narcissistic abuse syndrome.3
It’s likely that many who have survived narcissist abuse experience:
- Depression
- Anxiety
- PTSD
- Shame
- Guilt
- Anger
- Fear
- Sleep issues
- Eating issues
- Hygiene issues
How to Break the Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse
It’s no secret that trying to deal and break free from a narcissist in your life will be hard. First, it’s important to set firm boundaries and understand the narcissist will try to push and test these limits. Setting boundaries from the start may seem unfair to those who have a sense of self and can empathize with others, but remember the narcissist will only continue to take as much as you give, without giving anything back. Don’t be fooled into thinking that your efforts will be appreciated, rather recognize what the relationship looks like from an outside view with the help of a therapist to ensure you’re feeling confident with this coping strategy.
To further break away from the cycle of narcissist abuse is to allow the narcissist to sit in their discomfort. Soothing their hurt ego or feelings, especially at the expense of your own emotions, will further perpetuate the cycle. To add, you will not be appreciated for any efforts and the narcissist will leave with giving nothing in return. This could again become another avenue where a cycle could perpetuate instead of ending.
Second chances never work with narcissists. If they feel they are going to lose you from their life, the narcissist will do what they need to do to ensure you stick around and fall right back into the same habits. They will put on a show for a while until you are convinced that giving a second chance is worth the risk, then you will fall right back into the same cycle of psychological abuse.4
Healing From Narcissistic Abuse
Recovering from narcissistic abuse is a long process that takes time, so it is critical you allow yourself grace and patience during the stages of healing. Make sure you have a safe and supportive environment and support circle around you in addition to seeking therapy. It can be challenging to talk about, but processing your experience can be healing and safe.
Given the emotionally volatile and abusive nature of these relationships, it’s important to seek help immediately if you feel you are in danger of any kind. You do not need to endure any kind of abuse in a relationship and are not obligated to stay or try to work things out. Abuse should never be tolerated and a therapist can help normalize this until you really believe it.5
Final Thoughts on Narcissistic Abuse Cycles
If you are dealing with a cycle of narcissist abuse in a relationship, talking to a therapist who specializes in this area can make a big difference in how you feel. Together, you and your therapist will develop a plan to help you through this situation and establish a safety plan if you feel you are in danger and finally break free from this cycle.
Additional Resources
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BetterHelp (Online Therapy) – BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you. Get Started
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