A codependent relationship is one in which partners do not have an equal balance of power, where individual identities are meshed together and where both partners become dependent on this type of dynamic within the relationship. A codependent relationship develops when one or both partners have underlying relationship insecurities, and often is revealed over time.1
What Is a Codependent Relationship?
In a codependent relationship, one partner does much of the emotional carrying of the relationship and is more prone to losing themself, while the other avoids taking more responsibility for the emotional work of the relationship. In healthy relationships, these partners are able to communicate, compromise and negotiate needs, and express their feelings. However, codependency can reveal unhealthy attachment styles, as well as leave one or both partners prone to unhealthy emotional coping mechanisms.2
In a codependent relationship, opposing attachment styles are usually at play, in which one partner has an anxious attachment style while the other has an avoidant attachment style. Anxious attachment styles in adult romantic relationships embody characteristics such as having a lack of sense of self, needing approval, fears around abandonment and misinterpreting relationship issues and/or overcompensating for the relationship.
Avoidant attachment styles, on the other hand, embody characteristics such as minimization of self expression or emotion, lack of trust in others, uncomfortability with true intimacy, and a pattern of dismissive behaviors.3 In codependent relationships, both partners do not necessarily have one attachment style or the other. The codependent nature of the relationship functions in such a way that both partners can exhibit anxious and avoidant attachment style traits.4
Due to the volatile nature codependency can breed, it’s important to be aware that this relationship dynamic can lead to financial and emotional exploitation. It’s common for those in codependent relationships to enable and bend to their partners demands to avoid a confrontation or conflict. Enabling behaviors in these relationships can look like one partner trying to fix the problem on their own, owning more responsibility for the relationship, having a need to rescue their partner, excusing or ignoring problematic behaviors, and compromising their own personal happiness.5
8 Signs of a Codependent Relationship
According to Frederica Boso, LMHC, “An important sign of a codependent relationship is if you or your partner are making decisions or engaging in behaviors that are detrimental to your health or overall well-being for the sake of continuing in the relationship, appeasing your partner, or controlling your partner.”
Here are eight indicators to be aware of if you feel you may be in a codependent relationship:
1. Difficulty Communicating Needs in the Relationship
People in codependent relationships often have one or both partners who struggle with communicating their needs and often prioritize the needs of their partners over their own. This becomes a problem, as that partner’s emotions aren’t discussed and considered. Long term, it makes it difficult for one or both partners to make decisions for themselves and discuss discontent in the relationship, and sets up both partners to be prone to feeling resentment towards one another.
2. Needing Approval
One partner may feel more of a need to get approval from the other partner. While making major decisions together is healthy, needing approval to attend to your own needs, hobbies and wants is a sign of unhealthy relationship dynamics. This becomes an issue when you no longer feel the freedom to live your own life, such as seeing friends and family or participating in activities that bring you joy.
3. Inability to Make Decisions
Partners in codependent relationships are often unable to make their own decisions due to several factors, such as lack of certainty, anxiety, conflict avoidance, and fear. While some of these may be coming from places that are unrelated to the relationship (like if you’re dating someone who has anxiety already), all of them manifest in the relationship in ways that can paralyze a partner. When one partner isn’t able to execute life decisions on their own, it can perpetuate the cycle of having the more dominant partner make decisions for both people in the relationship.
4. Abandonment Issues
A partner can sometimes have a fear of being alone and find that being needed in the relationship is fulfilling. However, a fear of being alone is a poor reason to be in any relationship, as many times, codependency can become emotionally and physically abusive if one partner is trying to control the relationship while the other takes a back seat in their relationship’s direction. Having abandonment issues can lead to an unhealthy cycle of ups and downs in the relationship, leaving you feeling unstable with your partner.6
5. Low Self-Esteem
Having low self-esteem can make someone feel like they should be with anyone who wants them. Due to the negative inner monologue of those with low self-esteem, many do wind up with partners at some point in their relationship history who don’t honor their needs. Those with low self-esteem in codependent relationships often face issues with their partner, as they don’t often feel empowered to use their own voice or stand up for themselves, especially if they are the more submissive partner.
6. Poor Boundaries
According to Boso, “People in codependent relationships have difficulty setting appropriate boundaries to focus on their own wellness. Instead, they are so preoccupied with how their partner is feeling and what their partner is doing that they do not focus on their own needs, desires, emotions, or behaviors.”
7. Feeling Trapped in the Relationship
A clear sign that you may be in a codependent relationship is feeling stuck. Healthy relationships add to our world. In unhealthy relationships, such as codependent relationships, it’s common for one partner to feel trapped due to the overwhelming need to appease their partner at their own expense. When someone is stuck in this type of dynamic, it’s challenging to voice their needs and concerns as it can cause a major problem for the other partner. Feeling trapped coupled with any of the other indicators are often concurrent experiences.
8. History of Involvement in Codependent or Abusive Relationships
Having a history of abuse in relationships can leave someone more prone to being in a codependent relationship due to the trauma incurred during the previous relationship. In healthy relationships, these issues are discussed and handled with care and love. In codependent relationships, this history can often feel like it’s repeating due to the demanding nature of codependent partners. Codependent relationships can trigger prior trauma and abuse and lead one partner to cope in ways as if they are being abused again. Even if the codependent relationship isn’t abusive, it may become abusive with time.7
When & How to Get Help With Codependency Issues
The right time to get help with codependency issues is when it’s identified by one or both partners as an issue in the relationship. It can be challenging to talk about with your partner, so it’s important to consider individual or couples therapy, depending on what your issues are.8
According to Boso, “working with a therapist will help you explore your relationship patterns and examine how, possibly, your early childhood experiences in a dysfunctional family may have played a role in these relationship patterns. There are also codependency support groups that may be helpful to engage in. Support groups provide camaraderie, resources, and give people who struggle with codependency a safe space to share their thoughts and feelings and practice healthy boundaries.”
The best way to find a therapist for codependency is by searching an online directory like Choosing Therapy to find a therapist. All licensed therapists can be equipped to help people struggling with mental health issues. Reading reviews and looking at clinician bios to understand their scope of practice can give you an idea of whether their experience suits your situation. Many therapists offer a phone consultation and teletherapy visits, both of which allow people an opportunity to get help during the pandemic.
Another way to locate a therapist is by referral, which can come from a trusted loved one or a physician. Healthcare providers often have access to a network of other providers who can be helpful. Going through your physician or specialist is also a great way to keep them in the loop about any treatment options.
Final Thoughts on Codependent Relationships
What you’re dealing with may be unique to you, but you’re not alone. There are many ways to address and overcome your current challenges. Talking to a therapist or reaching out to a trusted friend or family member can make a big difference in how you feel. It can take time but remember to have patience with yourself because you are going through major transformations.
