Triangulation: What It Is, Signs, & How to Respond

What Is Triangulation?

Triangulation refers to a subtle or direct manipulation tactic others by creating and maintaining conflicts. One person (the triangulator) typically orchestrates this manipulation. Their goal is to avoid direct interactions by pitting two people against one another. This strategy is often used in a roundabout way to make themselves feel worthy or loved.

Triangulation can be a common tactic in toxic relationships or toxic friendships. It’s also a hallmark characteristic of narcissistic abuse. In addition, some people with narcissistic or borderline personality disorder triangulate others to cope with their emotional distress.

Is Triangulating Harmful?

Although triangulation can be useful if the third party can obtain new information or advice, this isn’t a common outcome. Even if triangulating feels harmless, it inherently comes with consequences. Avoiding the truth or withholding assertiveness creates relationship friction.

Likewise, triangulating can feel frustrating and even demoralizing. The person experiencing the triangulation may feel insecure, angry, ashamed, or humiliated once they find out what’s going on. Likewise, if someone they trusted triangulated them, they may feel the need to guard themselves or avoid vulnerability in their relationships.

Signs of Triangulating

Triangulating isn’t always obvious. In fact, it may be even harder to detect with close friends or family (especially if they’ve been engaging in the same pattern for a long time). But insecurity is the foundation of any triangulating effort. Triangulators may lack self-esteem or self-worth, so they might exploit others to get what they want.

Signs of triangulation include:

• Being asked to take sides on a specific issue
• Feeling pressured to choose “who’s right” during a conflict
• One person feeling entirely ignored or rejected
• People putting a third party into an ill-fitting role (like a parent choosing a young child to help with their marital issues, also known as emotional incest)

Examples of Triangulation

Triangulation can show up in any interpersonal dynamic. However, it’s common among close loved ones, such as between parents and children, intimate partners, and friends. It may also be prevalent in a toxic workplace, particularly with bosses or coworkers. It’s important to recognize the key signs if you’re concerned someone is triangulating you.

The following are examples of triangulation:

Triangulation in Relationships

People might use triangulation to maintain a sense of power or control in a relationship. For example, let’s say you and your partner adopt a dog together. Your partner finds it difficult to bond with the new dog and keeps commenting about how they never had these problems with their ex’s dog.

Whenever your dog irritates them (which might be often), they lament about how it was much easier when they were with their ex. So, while they don’t directly say they want to be back in their past relationship, their comments might make you feel insecure. You may find yourself working harder to ensure that they bond with the dog (and don’t leave you).

Triangulation in the Workplace

Narcissistic bosses or toxic coworkers might use triangulation to assert a sense of power and bully others at the same time.¹ For example, let’s say you’re assigned to a new project at work. You’ll be working alongside a coworker whom you consider a good friend. You two outline the project together, and you leave the conversation feeling excited about getting things done.

A few days before everything is due, your coworker suddenly announces that she’ll be working with someone else and that she already cleared it with your boss weeks ago. She apologizes for “forgetting” to tell you, insisting that she just got really busy. You’re now left scrambling to finish everything yourself.

Triangulation in Parenting

Parents may pit siblings against one another to encourage them to conform to specific desires. For example, let’s say you have a child who often gets into trouble at school and doesn’t have many friends. Likewise, this child often becomes explosive and argumentative when things don’t go their way. Let’s say you have another child who earns outstanding grades and is popular and well-liked among her friends. This child is generally agreeable and flexible, even when things don’t go according to plan.

Some parents may inadvertently place the first child into a “scapegoat” role. They become the source of all that’s wrong in the family.² The other child, on the other hand, represents the ‘golden child,’ the one who shines and excels.

In this dynamic, both children tend to feel resentful and neglected. The scapegoat may feel like nobody understands them (and they might give up trying to feel understood). The golden child often feels immense pressure to perform and avoid becoming like their sibling.

Impacts of Triangulation

Triangulation can feel like gaslighting because both types of emotional abuse often make you question yourself or your reality.³ You might feel frustrated that you trusted someone, or you may feel ashamed that you didn’t intervene when you noticed something might be wrong. These experiences can undoubtedly impact your relationships and emotional well-being.

Impacts of triangulation include:

• Increased tension within a family or group dynamic
• Intimacy issues
• Ongoing blame-shifting
• Scapegoating
• Perfectionism
• Continuously doubting yourself
• Agitation and frustration
• Passive aggression

How to React to Triangulation

If you recognize that you’re being triangulated, it’s important to know how to respond to the situation. While you aren’t responsible for someone else’s behavior, your decision to intervene can change or even prevent future issues from happening. Likewise, responding well can protect your integrity and sense of self-worth.

Here are seven tips to consider when responding to triangulation:

1. Remember It’s Not About You

Triangulation can feel personal, but it usually isn’t. Instead, triangulators often find anyone they can exploit to meet their needs. As a result, you simply may have gotten caught in their crossfire. Try to remember that their actions are not a reflection of your worth.

2. Express How You Feel

Even if it feels scary, practicing assertiveness is a sign of self-respect, and it can reduce your levels of stress.⁴ So, if you notice unhealthy behavior, try to make a point of labeling it and sharing exactly how it makes you feel. Even if people try to discredit or dismiss your experiences, they can’t take away your truth.

3. Set Your Boundaries

It can be helpful to let a triangulator know that you are aware of what they’re doing. By setting healthy boundaries. Expect them to deny, rationalize, or even try to turn it onto you if you do this. But try to stand your ground and let them know how you will respond if they continue harming you in this way (leaving the room, talking to HR, leaving the room, ending the relationship, etc.).

4. Avoid Taking Sides

As much as possible, try to avoid future triangulation when it happens. That often entails remaining neutral when someone asks you to choose sides. It also means avoiding gossip or colluding with people when they’re trying to seek support.⁵

5. Don’t Obsess on the Why

You might find yourself analyzing why someone would triangulate you or intentionally try to complicate an interpersonal situation. It’s a normal response when we feel hurt by someone we trust. That said, engaging in this task is often frustrating, and it doesn’t always lead to conclusive answers. Instead, it’s better to focus your efforts on how you can set better limits and redefine your relationship if needed.

6. Seek Professional Support

Triangulation can be a symptom of a serious problem like emotional abuse. Furthermore, regular triangulation can exacerbate feelings of depression or anxiety. If you’re struggling, consider reaching out to a therapist. You can get started by searching for a trusted professional through our directory.

7. Practice Self-Care

Self-care is an important part of preserving your emotional well-being. If you feel sad or angry about your current situation, it’s important to soothe yourself. Self-care means recognizing that you inherently need rest, relaxation, and healthy relationships. It also means honoring your physical, emotional, and spiritual needs as often as you can.

Final Thoughts

Triangulation can be a sinister manipulation tactic, and many people aren’t aware of how it works. If you constantly feel like you’re walking on eggshells with someone- or if you feel like you never really know their true intentions- they might be engaging in this strategy.

Having insight can help you feel more empowered. If you are being triangulated, it’s essential to take a proactive stance to heal.