Emotional or covert incest is a form of abuse where parents treat their children like a romantic partner. These parents expect their children to meet their needs in a way that another adult should. Unlike physical incest, it does not involve sexual abuse. Children who experience emotional incest are at risk for depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and relationship problems as they grow older.
What Is Emotional Incest?
Emotional incest, also known as covert incest, is a type of emotional parental abuse.1 In cases of emotional incest, parents rely on their children for significant emotional support, which is a reversal of roles.2 Emotional incest is more than just relying on your kids on occasion, rather, it is an extreme dependence on them.
Parents who commit emotional incest treat their children like a spouse or close friend, rather than a child.2 These parents turn to their children for comfort, love, advice, support, and in some cases, even romance. The emotionally incestuous parent is unable to provide for their child’s needs and does not give them the support and nurturance that they need. The child essentially becomes like a parent or spouse, which is usually more than they can handle.
Parents who commit emotional incest often lack their own healthy support systems.2 They may be single, divorced, or in an unhappy marriage. Families may be dealing with addiction or mental illness. Children who experience emotional incest are at risk for anxiety, depression, and relationship problems. They may develop eating or sexual dysfunction issues, low self-esteem, and perfectionism. It can also create problems with the other parent (if they are present) and siblings, who may feel resentful of the closeness between parent and child.
Signs of Emotional Incest
Children, teens, and adults that experience emotional incest may struggle emotionally and in relationships with others.2 Victims of emotional incest learn that their primary role is serving the needs of their parent.3 This unhealthy dynamic can affect their expectations and behavior in other relationships as they grow older.
Signs of emotional incest in children and teens include:2
- Feelings of guilt or unworthiness
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Feeling responsible for a parent’s feelings
- Difficulty making and sustaining friendships
- Isolation from others
- Conflict or strain with siblings and/or the other parent
- Poor self-esteem
- Perfectionism
In addition to the above, signs of emotional incest in adulthood include:2
- Being a people pleaser
- Lack of self-identity
- Fear of rejection
- Difficulty maintaining healthy relationships
- Fear of getting close to others
- Putting the needs of others before one’s own
- A strong desire to succeed
- Finding a partner that is similar to one’s parent
- Eating disorders
- Drug or alcohol addiction
- Sexual dysfunction issues
Examples of Emotional Incest Syndrome
Covert incest typically occurs between a parent and child, but it can occur with any close adult caregiver, like a toxic grandparent, stepparent, or foster parent. Close relationships with teachers, coaches, mentors, or other adults can also develop into emotional incest. Emotional incest invades the emotional lives of children by adults expecting children to provide for their needs, rather than the other way around.2
The following are some examples of emotional incest between parents and their children:
Parent Seeks Emotional Support From a Child
In relationships that involve emotional incest, the parental figure views the child as they would a spouse, close friend, or their own parent. They may reveal personal problems to the child and seek advice, support, and comfort. They expect their children to respond like another adult would, even though this is beyond the child’s maturity level. Children may be guilted into taking on this role and do whatever they can to please their parents.
Healthy parent/child relationships involve appropriate boundaries. There is an understanding that parents provide support to their child and seek their own emotional support from other outlets, like a friend, partner, or therapist. Parents know and respect their children’s limits and do not place inappropriate expectations on them. They treat them like children, not adults.
Parent Expects the Child to Put the Parent’s Needs First
A hallmark of emotional incest is parents demanding that a child meets their needs. Whether it is love, affection, or attention, these parents expect their children to drop what they’re doing and help meet these needs. For example, a parent may expect a child to comfort them when they’re depressed, even if it means missing out on something special, like a playdate or sporting event.
In healthy families, parents put their children’s needs first and seek support and comfort from other adults. Healthy parents do not hold their children to inappropriate standards or expect them to meet their needs. They understand that children have their own lives and want to put time and energy into the things that are important to them, like school, friends, and hobbies.
Parent Fails to Support & Respect Their Child’s Boundaries
Parents who commit emotional incest do not respect their child’s needs for autonomy, independence, and privacy as they grow older. They may overstep boundaries by snooping in their child’s phone or room without a legitimate need to do so. They may also prevent their children from developing friendships with peers by prohibiting playdates and sleepovers. Allowing a child to mature and venture out from the parent threatens the emotionally incestuous parent’s sense of security and they will do anything to keep this from happening.
Healthy parents recognize that children need more privacy, independence, and autonomy as they grow older. Even though it may be difficult to loosen the reins, healthy parents do so in a way that is appropriate for the child’s age and maturity level. Children are gradually given more freedom and are encouraged to “leave the nest” when they’re ready.
Parent Is Romantically Inappropriate With the Child
Some parents who commit emotional incest even treat their child like a romantic partner. They may share inappropriate details about their sexual experiences or romantic lives with their child. They may also take their child on dates or do other things that should be reserved for a romantic partner. If a parent is sexually inappropriate with their child, then this behavior falls under sexual abuse and physical incest, not emotional incest.
Healthy families have clear and appropriate roles established for parents and children. Parents maintain boundaries that involve not sharing inappropriate information with their children. There is no confusion about roles and children are treated like children, not romantic partners.
Why Do Adults Engage in Emotional Incest?
Parents who engage in covert incest often don’t see their approach to parenting as harmful.2 They may think that they are doing what is right as a parent and fail to see how their behavior toward their children is problematic. Each family is unique and parents may display emotional incest for different reasons.
Adults may be more likely to engage in emotional incest when:2
- They have experienced emotional incest themselves.
- They lack good role models and knowledge of how to parent a child in a healthy way.
- Parents are divorced. Single-parent and stepparent families are at greater risk for emotional incest.
- One parent struggles with mental illness or addiction. The parent who is not mentally ill or addicted may form an unhealthy bond with the child to try to help the mentally ill or addicted parent.
How to Heal From Emotional Incest Syndrome & Move On
If you’ve dealt with emotional incest, therapy can help you heal and move forward in your life. It is common for children who grow up with emotional incest to struggle in future adult relationships. They may expect others to treat them the way their parents did or find themselves in similar relationships. Therapy can provide you with an opportunity to understand how your childhood impacted you and help you learn healthier ways of coping in relationships.
Therapy
There are many different types of therapy that can be helpful if you’ve experienced emotional incest. Individual therapy, where you meet with a therapist one-on-one, allows you to open up and receive direct feedback from a professional, allowing you to focus exclusively on your concerns and work on specific personal goals.
Group therapy allows you to connect with others who have experienced similar issues and give and receive feedback. If you have experienced emotional incest, you may find that you have strong reactions to certain group members.4 This is common and provides an opportunity to work through your relationship issues in a safe environment.
Couples and family therapy can also be beneficial if you find that your early childhood issues are impacting your relationships with your partner and/or children. A therapist directory is a great place to start when finding a therapist. Additionally, online therapy (known as teletherapy) can make healing much more convenient and easier to find therapists with the relevant experience.
Healthy Activities for Self-Help
In addition to working with a licensed therapist, the following practices and strategies can be helpful for those who have experienced emotional incest:
- Journaling your thoughts and feelings
- Using creative outlets like art, music, or dance
- Participating in physical activity like walking, running, or playing sports
- Practicing mindfulness or meditation
- Joining a support group or connecting with other positive, supportive people
- Engaging with a hobby, like gardening, reading, or writing
- Volunteering for a cause that you feel passionate about
- Taking care of your body by eating well, exercising, and getting enough sleep
What to Do If You Suspect Emotional Incest
If you’re concerned that another child or teen is experiencing emotional incest, you may consider talking to the parent first. Depending on your relationship with the parent, you can try to express your concerns and encourage the family to seek help. The parent may become defensive, so it is important to express your concerns in a manner that is gentle and non-judgmental.
You can acknowledge that you believe the parent is trying to do their best and has good intentions, but you think they may benefit from some additional guidance. If you feel that a child is being harmed, you should contact your state’s child welfare agency. They will be able to advise you on whether the parent’s behavior is considered abuse and assist you in filing a report. You can ask to provide your report anonymously if you are more comfortable doing so.
Final Thoughts
If you are dealing with issues stemming from emotional incest, speaking with a therapist can help you recover and move forward from the pain you experienced during childhood. You can learn how to develop new behaviors so that your relationships, self-esteem, and emotional state can improve.
