Does your boss require excessive praise, often seem volatile, or not recognize your work accomplishments? If so, they may be a narcissist. The key to dealing with a narcissistic boss is to sustain your own perspective about your work and your self-worth despite your boss’s reactions. Keeping a positive view of yourself despite your boss’s unlimited expectations for you to always be on top of their needs, takes a lot of work and perseverance for you internally.
If you’d like to speak with a therapist about the ways in which narcissistic behaviors at work are negatively impacting your life, click here. Find a therapist who specializes in narcissism at the workplace and narcissistic abuse by a boss. Connect with them online at a day and time that’s convenient for you. Getting started is free, easy, and confidential.
What Is Narcissism?
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a mental health condition that causes an inflated sense of self-worth and a constant need for adoration. Additionally, narcissists have little or no empathy for others.
Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by:1
- Lack of empathy for others
- A sense of grandiosity
- Need for praise and adoration from others
According to Satoris Howes, Professor of Management at Oregon State University, “A narcissist has a strong need to be the center of attention, be praised for their work, and be seen as highly competent. They believe they deserve credit and believe they know better than others. This need for affirmations and belief that they are the best will result in them taking credit for their subordinates’ work when talking to their bosses. They’ll also likely blame those subordinates and external influences when something goes wrong. They will likely feel comfortable challenging their bosses as they likely think they are better than them. Don’t expect a narcissist to be sycophantic to anybody.”6
15 Signs Your Boss Is a Narcissist
Those with narcissistic personality disorder can become successful adults and learn ways to manipulate others and feel their narcissistic supply.
Howes mentions that there may be some ways to spot a narcissist before you take the job: “Some tips on spotting a narcissist during the interview process would be to watch for instances of taking full credit for wins and blaming others for losses. Does the person use too many “I’s” in a question about teamwork rather than “we’s”? That could be another sign. It’s not a perfect indicator, though, as it is natural (and expected) in an interview to promote oneself.”
Here are 15 signs to watch for if you suspect your boss might be a narcissist:2
1. They Talk About Themselves Almost Exclusively
Those with narcissistic personality disorders tend to think and speak of themselves most of the time. They are very conscious of their physical appearance, wealth, talents or achievements—of which there are often many—and they expect to hold your attention to these attributes as they speak. These comments may tend to be exaggerated or at least overemphasized and are not necessarily accurate reflections of their whole lives.
2. They Have Fantasies of Greatness
Narcissists tend to be filled with elaborate fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect partner. Because of these imaginings, they feel they should have the best of everything—houses, cars and clothing or other status-affirming things like their level of medical care and where they attend school. These wishes are a way for narcissists to fend off inner emptiness and shame and instead feel special and in control. They experience immense frustration and anger when their visions are not achieved.
For narcissists, this is an effective way to hide (and project) their own shortcomings and preserve their self-image. If those they are speaking to or about tend to question whether what the narcissist says is true, their beliefs—not the narcissist’s—are minimized or at least questioned because the narcissist is so convincing.
3. They Require Constant Praise
Despite how outwardly confident narcissists may portray themselves, they are often quite vulnerable and insecure with fragile self-esteem. To continually prop themselves up, they expect and, thus, require near-constant attention, praise and admiration. They also may expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it.
Due to their fragile egos when it comes to their sense of self, narcissists are highly reactive to criticism that they don’t feel they deserve. Any comments that shine a spotlight on their deepest insecurities or flaws may be met with a burst of narcissistic rage.
4. They Show a Sense of Entitlement
Narcissists tend to have feelings that others ought to offer them special favors and immediately fulfill their requests without question. If such treatment isn’t given to them, they may become impatient or angry or give others the passive-aggressive silent treatment because they view others as existing primarily to serve their needs, thus disregarding others’ wants and desires.
Howes mentions, “This need for affirmations and belief that they are the best will result in them taking credit for their subordinates’ work when talking to their bosses. They’ll also likely blame those subordinates and external influences when something goes wrong. They will likely feel comfortable challenging their bosses as they likely think they are better than them.”
5. They Take Advantage of Others
Many people are naturally drawn to narcissists, finding them attractive, charismatic, and exciting, and want to be a part of their lives, which the narcissist expects to be the result. Thus, most often narcissists may not have any issues getting people to do what they want. They are easily bored and seek constant entertainment whether or not their partner wants to participate.
6. They Are Envious of Others
Experiencing envy is another common symptom of narcissistic personality disorder. Because of their low self-esteem and need to be superior to others, narcissists see people who have things they lack—such as tangible items, status or admiration—as threats. They don’t understand why they don’t have everything they want when they want it, and seek vengeance toward those who seem to stand in their way of getting satisfactions that they feel are their due.
7. They Relish Being the Center of Attention
Since narcissists need constant praise from others to feed their low self-esteem, and because they feel superior to others at the same time, they crave attention and will often seek it out quite effectively. Narcissists dominate conversations. They feel compelled to talk about themselves, and they exaggerate their knowledge and accomplishments.
8. They Lack Empathy
As noted above, narcissists often lack empathy. They are unable to empathize with others or understand that others may have struggles of their own. If they recognize others’ struggles, they don’t understand why these people don’t change according to the narcissist’s needs. They seem to have an inability to recognize the needs and feelings of other people
9. They Have Boundless Ambitions
Having goals or ambitions in life is a good thing, but narcissists make their dreams the center of their world and expect others to want for them what they want for themselves. Because they feel superior to others and want to believe others find them naturally special, they often set endless ambitions for themselves. Narcissists fantasize about not only doing their best but being the best. When they fall short, they are enraged or deeply disappointed to the point of depressive thinking.
10. They Are Incredibly Insecure
This may be counterintuitive when you first meet a narcissist because they come across so charming, entitled, and believing they are superior to others, but people who suffer from narcissism are usually incredibly insecure which is why they feel the need to put others down. They often speak of people who are liars, disloyal friends or co-workers, when they share the same characteristics that they are unconsciously denying.
11. They Are Remarkably Charming
On first impression, narcissists come off as charming and confident, but as the relationship develops if they are no longer perceived that way, they become denigrating of others and sometimes aggressive in an impulsive way. People are generally at first drawn to narcissists because of their confidence and charm, though many find them suspect and conning for attention.
12. They Are Extremely Competitive
In their world view, there are only winners and losers, and they will strive to be part of the former group without realizing how their manipulations may put people off. They must make themselves out to be superior to everybody else. Their incessant need to win contributes to their inability to embrace another person’s success. It’s all win or all lose, leading to depression if the latter prevails.
13. They Hold Long-Lasting Grudges
Narcissists harbor vengeance toward those who insult or disapprove of them or don’t give them what they want. They end up holding a long, nasty grudge because they take criticism or not being given what they asked for as a personal attack or assault. When they feel slighted, or abandoned, they don’t get over it.
14. They Find Criticism Intolerable
Most of us have experienced a hard time taking criticism from others. It’s natural and human. But when it comes to a narcissist, their inability to handle criticism goes deeper. They are unable to cope when things don’t go their way and will be hard-pressed to ever admit fault when they are wrong which makes it impossible for them to take any kind of criticism, even if it’s constructive.
15. They Are Constantly on the Go
Narcissists push others to attend concerts, plays, expensive dinners, and prestigious parties because they can’t be idle. To be idle is to feel the inner tension of maybe not being as superior as they believe. Others are put off by this constant pressure to “do,” and the narcissist can’t relax alone or enjoy their own company except as a respite from their inner strivings. They may travel extensively and feel they deserve the best accommodations in planes and hotels.
How Having a Narcissistic Boss Can Affect Your Mental Health
Keep in mind, if your boss’s expectations above are not met, you will begin to notice bad moods, excessive irritation, agitation, and maybe infuriation with whoever is considered an underling.
No one deserves this uncalled for rage though those on staff may begin to doubt their work, their achievement, their ability to move up or even sustain the position they have. These doubts and uncertainty may escalate rapidly beginning to undermine and interfere with your concentration and then your productivity. Then you may incorrectly surmise, your boss is right. You aren’t such a stellar worker after all.
It takes a clear understanding that pathological narcissism is working on your psyche. Focus on your own initial perspective of your achievements and be your own guide to evaluating your work and your worth.
It’s far easier to make that recommendation than to carry it out especially if you haven’t encountered a narcissistic boss before or if this is your first position in the company and you are relying on this boss’s commendations for future positions that you’d like to rise to in the organization.
It will be difficult but not impossible with the support of your co-workers also under siege to recall why you got hired in the first place. That is, remember your skill set, your qualifications, and the references that led you to seek out and land this valued position. The estimation of your actual value is in your hands, no one else’s.
How to Deal With a Narcissistic Boss
Howes encourages, “It’s not impossible to get along with a narcissistic boss. Some narcissists actually are capable and competent – so their confidence, although inflated, is not without some merit. The adage that ‘flattery will get you nowhere’ is not the case when talking to a narcissist. They like being complimented and may expect or demand such attention and accolades. To the extent you’re willing to provide such flattery you’re likely to stay on the narcissist’s good side.”
Your boss will have more power than you in his reviews of your work that go on file. You may have to begin to create a paper trail where you respectfully respond to any criticisms detailing your achievements. This will help you retain your own feeling of empowerment and forestall being held back from future goals.
At the same time, make your own contacts with other leaders in the company. Don’t broadcast these actions to your narcissistic boss who may feel quickly slighted and further enraged. This is a delicate but important mission for your own rising aspirations.
When you believe in yourself and have done the hard work to merit that belief, others will believe in you, too. You will have an air of self-confidence that will be noticed by others and build your self-esteem.
While you are following such guidelines for your own objectives, of course, your boss is in your daily life, that is, in your head. You may find you take home the steady stream of manipulation with your boss’s voice echoing in your mind.
This is the time to maintain self-awareness, self-observation, and introspection. Share with loved ones or others you trust what you are experiencing so you hear out loud others valid points of view about your work, your character, and your reasonable goals for the future. Their words will serve to counter what you’re hearing unreasonably at work.
You deal with a narcissistic boss outside their presence. Even more importantly, you deal with your boss when you take their words to heart and slip into self-doubt, making those words your words. If you notice you are doing this, take all the time you need for self-reflection until your own perspective overrides that negative voice in your mind.
While doing so, however, it’s unwise to ridicule or slide into sarcasm or acting out vengeful thoughts that may be rising up. Remember you are dealing with a vulnerable, easily wounded boss who unconsciously is carrying a load of long-held feelings of inferiority that they combat regularly. Your interpersonal tactics are unlikely to change their views. Knowing your boss is inherently even more vulnerable than you are will reset your understanding of what’s going on.
Examples of Narcissistic Bosses in the Workplace
Narcissistic tendencies can present differently depending on the person and the situation. Here are two examples of how a narcissistic boss may act in different workplace scenarios.
Receptionist in a Doctor’s Office
Stewart is an empathic friendly receptionist working in an internist’s office. Dr. D has multiple awards sprinkled all over her waiting room and inner offices. She is a very high achiever and wants everyone to keep remembering that. She is highly intelligent but even so exaggerates her worth in the medical community and expects the same of her staff.
Dr. D is highly critical of Stewart. She feels he is too friendly and patient with nervous patients who then expect the same of Dr. D. Dr. D plays at being empathic as she’s learned a kind of script that works well with her patients calming them and making them feel they are in the hands of such excellent care that too many questions need not be asked. She expects her patients to give her acclaim which she feels entitled to and in fact has the credentials to warrant this.
Stewart is aware that credentials don’t make the doctor an empathic caregiver. He is trying to fill in for D.’s lack of empathy that he faces daily himself and knows may impact the patients he greets in the waiting room. He also tries to give support when managing their frightened voices when they call for results of their examinations.
Stewart is exceeding expectations because he’s a good person. When Dr. D observes how the patients adore Stewart, she is annoyed and wants all the accolades for herself.
A Construction Worker for a Wealthy Housing Developer
Sal is 30 years old. He is athletic and works out daily. He enjoys being outdoors and is skilled as a carpenter and builder of exclusive large homes. He is also a very reliable and amiable fellow.
The housing developer Sal works for has been unusually successful. His architects and contractors are highly paid and are deferential to their boss. Many of his staff believe it’s worth bearing this developer’s clearly derisive and undeserved comments that verge on abuse because all those who work for him are so well paid and revered in the communities where they practice and in turn bring in a multitude of clients for this well-known developer.
Sal is also going to night school aspiring to eventually work for one of the architects he admires. When Sal’s boss catches wind of this, he questions whether Sal will be able to carry out all his work, attend school, and be part of a growing family. Sal is supported by his family, which he tells the developer, and is very capable of carrying out his plans for the future.
The narcissistic developer feels egged on by Sal, not because of what Sal says, but because of his ambition. He hears his architects and contractors praise Sal, and the developer wants only to hear praise of himself, even though Sal is absolutely no threat to him whatsoever as one construction worker among many.
Sal’s boss starts to make sly comments that are hurtful and uncalled for to sensitive Sal. Sal begins to question if indeed he can handle all he is doing and begins to lose his concentration on his studies.
When to Get Professional Help for Dealing With the Impact of a Narcissistic Boss
Dealing with a narcissistic boss can be difficult, and may take a big toll on your mental health. It is important to know when dealing with a narcissistic boss may need to involve professional help. When dealing with a narcissistic boss impacts your ability to function day-to-day, it may be time to find a mental health professional.
If you experience the following, you may need to look into professional help for dealing with a narcissistic boss:
- Difficulty sleeping
- Malaise and low moods
- Self-doubts and emerging low self-esteem
- Episodes of anxiety with momentary dizziness, chest pains, or trembling limbs
- Frequent need for self-assurance from loved ones
How to Find a Therapist
Recommendations from family and friends for therapists as well as talking with your family doctor can be quite helpful in finding the therapist just right for you. The cost, the use of insurance, the length of time that may be involved is highly individual to each prospective patient.
The extent of a therapist’s training and experience and the geographic locale may all affect the cost and the use of insurance for psychotherapy, but none of that should deter someone from the pursuit of just the right therapist/patient match. The Choosing Therapy directory is a great place to start.
Final Thoughts on Dealing With a Narcissistic Boss
Knowledge empowers you to sustain healthy self-esteem. If you understand who you are working with you needn’t lower your own self-esteem and take your boss’s comments and treatment as if they are deserved. This is crucial.
You may at first be hopeful, feel self-confident, and assured of your work and accomplishments. But, if you find that is hard to sustain over time, early intervention with a supportive psychotherapist can prevent symptoms from blossoming and undermining your work ethic.
Going it alone is not a virtue. Though it may seem that way at first, it is unwise. There is no reason to undervalue yourself further because you are unfamiliar with psychotherapy. Perhaps, you can use your inherent strength to visit with a therapist, talk about your situation and evolving symptoms and decide if therapy will be a plus in your life.
It’s highly unlikely your boss will change which means your well-being rests with yourself. Remembering you are not alone in struggling with a narcissistic boss is helpful, too, because you surely are part of a large community.
Additional Resources
- 16 Best Books on Narcissism
- Mental Health America
- National Alliance on Mental Health
- MentalHealth.gov
- Online Therapist Directory: Sort therapists by specialty, cost, availability and more. Watch intro videos and see articles written by the therapists you’re considering working with. When you’ve found a good match, book an online therapy appointment with them directly.
Are you ready to speak with a therapist but feel a little overwhelmed by the process of finding someone who both specializes in dealing with narcissists and who you can really connect with? Speak with one of Choosing Therapy’s Client Navigators. Client Navigators are mental health professionals who will listen to what you’re looking for in a therapist and help pair you with the best possible fit. Getting started is free, easy, and confidential.
