Can Relationships Survive Infidelity?

How Common Is Cheating in Relationships?

As many as half of the couples seeking therapy have encountered infidelity at some point in their relationship.¹ Although infidelity is common, it is not discussed openly. Some people even go as far as to ask themselves “why do I always get cheated on?” as it seems they experience infidelity in all of their relationships. When it is, conversations usually ignore the complexity of the emotions and dynamics that result from cheating. With the rise of technology and social media, the line between fidelity and being unfaithful may blur, especially with the emergence of emotional affairs, sexting, texting affairs, and micro cheating.

Some factors that may influence whether or not someone is unfaithful include:²

• Age: People’s needs may change as they age. For example, a younger individual might not be ready to settle down and want to explore options, whereas someone might know right away what they want in a relationship and move forward to looking for that. People who settle down before they are ready may cheat later in life, sometimes as part of a midlife crisis.
• Gender: Self-reported data has shown that men are likelier to cheat than women, regardless of age or marital status. However, a lack of self-reporting infidelity by women could skew these results.
• Relationship status: Usually, a more serious level of commitment is associated with fidelity. For example, in a relationship that has not set a label as exclusive, a partner may be seeing others without knowing that this is not okay.
• Relationship satisfaction: Each individual’s needs are important, and being able to meet them is crucial in a relationship. Many individuals struggle to verbalize their needs, which often leads to increased dissatisfaction in the relationship. Additionally, toxic relationships or abusive dynamics often lead to relationship dissatisfaction.
• Intergenerational patterns of infidelity: There is a link between children who witness their parents being unfaithful and their future beliefs and justifications for infidelity. An especially important factor is how the parents communicated and managed the infidelity.

Can Your Relationship Survive After Infidelity?

The answer is yes, but both people would need to work through the effects of infidelity on their relationship and individual mental health. The person who was cheated on typically experiences some level of betrayal trauma, depression, low self-esteem, and trust issues, while the individual who cheated will need to explore what caused them to cheat, whether they are remorseful, and potentially overcome any feelings of shame and guilt. In addition, the person they cheated with, the amount of times infidelity occurred, and the length of time of the affair may impact someone’s willingness to forgive their partner.

Some factors that influence whether a relationship can survive infidelity include:

How Often Did Cheating Occur?

For many this can be very important, as they might consider a one-time situation easier to forgive and survive than an ongoing affair or serial cheating. For others, the amount of times a partner cheated does not matter once they cross that initial line. Consider asking your partner: was the infidelity a one time situation? Was it an ongoing affair?

Length of the Affair

The length of an affair can impact whether the couple is willing to work towards saving their relationship. For some, long-term affairs can be much harder to process and move forward from than short-lived ones, but it is up to each individual couple to define what is considered a short- and long-term affair. A long affair might be anything over three months for one partner, whereas their partner may consider it long-term once it’s been a year. This is a difficult, necessary conversation to determine whether you can move forward.

How Long Was the Cheating a Secret?

While cheating usually involves secrecy, it can make a difference how soon after the infidelity your partner comes clean. The conscious act of keeping something a secret can be very hurtful to the partner who is lied to.

Does Gender Matter?

While men tend to report more instances of infidelity than women, gender may not necessarily play a role in whether your relationship will survive infidelity or not. What matters is that both partners are emotionally available and willing to process the event.

Did Any Friends or Family Know?

For some, friends and family being aware of the infidelity is something they cannot work through. For the person who was cheated on, it can erode trust not in their partner, but other loved ones as well. It often places additional stress and burden on the friends and loved ones to either be honest and disclose private information in order to be honest, or allow the cheating partner to come clean on their own.

9 Tips to Fix Your Relationship After Cheating

Although all relationships are different, moving past infidelity is a collaborative process between partners that takes time and patience. It is important that partners have honest, respectful conversations about why the infidelity occurred, how they feel about it, and how they can best prevent it in the future. This often requires time to cool down and process one’s emotions to act from a more rational perspective.

Nine tips to save your marriage or relationship after infidelity include:

1. Talk About Why It Happened

Having open, healthy communication in a relationship is especially important in the journey of healing from infidelity. The person who was cheated on should be able to ask what they feel they need to know in order to move forward, which may reveal painful information or details. On the other hand, the individual who cheated should be ready to be asked questions that can be uncomfortable to answer without getting defensive, stonewalling, or shutting down. Couples should identify whether this conversation benefits from support from a third party, such as a therapist or spiritual leader.

Some helpful questions to ask during this conversation include:

• How did you meet this person?
• Did the infidelity progress with time?
• How did the affair make you feel?
• How did the affair start and why?
• Did others know about this?
• Was there anything we could have done in our relationship to avoid infidelity?
• How long was the affair?
• Do you want to make us work?

2. Be Honest

Honesty is crucial in healthy communication, but it can feel uncomfortable to share details of the affair or answer questions being asked. It might be conflicting to share information about the affair in fear of hurting the betrayed partner. At the same time, transparency creates healthier, clearer expectations and boundaries as the relationship progresses.

3. Redefine Your Relationship Boundaries

Discussing boundaries in relationships is crucial in moving forward after infidelity, as it defines, sets, and enforces the couple’s expectations. Setting boundaries can also help manage and rebuild trust, but it is important to make sure you are holding each other accountable as well.

4. Be Willing to Do the Work

Both people need to commit to doing the work that needs to be done after an infidelity. The details of the work are specific to each relationship, but a clear, steadfast commitment to working through infidelity can be challenging for individuals. Make sure you and your partner are both equally committed to healing from infidelity together.

5. Take a Break from the Relationship

At times, individuals might need a break to process the infidelity and heal. This can be a scary process for both individuals in the relationship, as it can feel definite. However, spending time apart can support the healing process by allowing each other space to work through individual or relational difficulties. It is usually helpful to set a specific end date and rules for taking a break in a relationship to avoid further instances of infidelity.

6. Don’t Seek Revenge

The person who was cheated on may experience a surge of overwhelming emotions, including anger. For some, seeking revenge might feel like a way to process these feelings. However, revenge-seeking does not provide space for healing and often creates additional complicated emotions and consequences, especially if you choose to engage in revenge cheating.

7. Be Empathetic

Being able to reflect and explore reasons of why people cheat or are cheated on is hard, and so being empathetic with yourself and your partner is helpful to process your emotions in nonjudgmental ways. Having an open mind as you rebuild your relationship can provide clarity and support moving forward.

8. Be Patient

People usually want the infidelity recovery process to move at a different pace, but it is important that you be patient with yourself and your partner, as this process can be overwhelming. Reminding yourself that healing can take some time can help manage the differing expectations and reality.

9. Have a Good Support System

Each individual should have their own support system that they can utilize if needed. Support systems are there to guide you, push you through difficult times, and have your back when needed. These can include friends, family, mentors, spiritual communities, and/or therapists.

When to Consider Professional Help

The process of healing from infidelity and getting over being cheated on can be hard to navigate, so it is important that you reach out to professionals who can help you do so in healthy ways. For example, marriage and couples therapy can help you recover after infidelity. Typically, the earlier the couple seeks out support, the higher the chance they will successfully rebuild their relationship and overcome infidelity together. You can find individual or couples therapy via an online therapist directory.

Some therapeutic methods for addressing problems in a relationship include:

• Couples counseling: Marriage and couples therapy can support figuring out how to forgive your partner, work through infidelity, and rebuild trust in the relationship. Marriage and couples counseling provides a mediated, safe space for people to discuss their own emotions, needs, expectations moving forward, and boundaries with one another.
• Individual therapy: Individual therapy can provide the needed space to discuss an individual’s own feelings and problems, especially if they affect other aspects of life (work, family, friendships), whether they were the individual who cheated or the individual who was cheated on. Psychotherapy provides the one on one support that at times is needed for healing to begin.
• Group therapy: Infidelity support groups and group therapy can help couples receive social support from people who are experiencing similar difficulties in their relationships.
• Online therapy options: Online marriage and couples services can be helpful when partners are busy, have alternative schedules, or decide to take time apart, as telehealth offers a good option to begin to work on the relationship without being in the same location.

Final Thoughts

Relationships can survive infidelity if both individuals are willing to do the work of processing their emotions and thoughts with the goal of healing from the infidelity together. Moving past infidelity takes time and patience, but healing can result in greater growth and resilience for the couple.