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How to Leave a Toxic Relationship

Published: December 1, 2021 Updated: June 30, 2022
Published: 12/01/2021 Updated: 06/30/2022
Headshot of Insha Rahman, LCSW
Written by:

Insha Rahman

LCSW
Headshot of Benjamin Troy, MD
Reviewed by:

Benjamin Troy

MD
  • Signs of a Toxic RelationshipSigns
  • When To Leave A Toxic RelationshipWhen to Leave
  • Tips for Leaving a Toxic RelationshipHow to Leave
  • How to Move on From a Toxic RelationshipMoving On
  • How to Get Help for Someone Who Wants to Leave a Toxic RelationshipGetting Help
  • Final ThoughtsConclusion
  • Additional ResourcesResources
Headshot of Insha Rahman, LCSW
Written by:

Insha Rahman

LCSW
Headshot of Benjamin Troy, MD
Reviewed by:

Benjamin Troy

MD

Intimate relationships can go through ups and downs, but a toxic relationship is one that is consistently draining and distressing. Partners in a toxic relationship do not support each other, often display competitiveness and disrespect, and try to undermine each other. If you’re in a toxic relationship, it might be time to make a plan to leave.

You don’t have to face leaving a toxic relationship alone. BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you.

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for referrals by BetterHelp

Visit BetterHelp

Signs of a Toxic Relationship

On the surface, it might seem like a toxic relationship is easy to spot. But things can get complicated when toxicity is tied to a romantic relationship. If this is the case, and you think you might be in a toxic relationship, it may be time to make some healthy changes.

Here are five signs you may be in a toxic relationship:

  1. Constant unhappiness: If you feel sad, angry, anxious, or resigned to the relationship. Negative shifts in your mental health, personality, or self-esteem can be red flags as well. These shifts could range from feeling on edge around your partner to clinically diagnosable conditions such as depression, anxiety, or eating disorders.
  2. Your partner has no friends other than you: Relationships are stronger when both partners have friends and interests outside of each other. If your partner is possessive and discourages you from going out with friends, that is a red flag.
  3. Your partner calls you names or criticizes you personally: Personal attacks and/or devaluing someone’s personality, values, or physical appearance are a hallmark sign you are in a toxic relationship.
  4. Your partner constantly texts you to check-in: Staying in touch by sending silly memes or cute messages is positive, but a toxic partner will use texting to control you. This could include tracking your location, asking you to text back frequently or take pictures to prove where you are.
  5. Your friends or family hate your partner: How those close to you feel about your partner is probably the most underrated yet most important sign of a toxic relationship. Pay close attention to what your loved ones tell you and also if you feel like there are things you can’t tell them. They have an objective perspective and they want you to be safe and happy.

When To Leave A Toxic Relationship

People get stuck in relationship patterns that can be difficult to break out of, but if your relationship is toxic you will become more damaged by staying in it. While a relationship does not have to involve abuse for it to be considered toxic, all abusive relationships are toxic.

Abuse can manifest in different forms that include:

  • Physical abuse
  • Financial abuse
  • Emotional abuse
  • Verbal abuse
  • Sexual abuse or sexual coercion

Not all toxic relationships can or should be saved. However, any form of domestic abuse, whether it’s physical, sexual, or emotional should be an automatic relationship ender.

An important step you can take is to empower them and communicate to them that they are not crazy—what they are experiencing is a response to a toxic relationship, and you can tell them that there is something more positive out there for them. You can also help to prepare a way out for them by helping them create an exit strategy. Keep in mind that leaving is not always easy, so it will be important for you to be non-judgmental throughout this process.

10 Tips for Leaving a Toxic Relationship

It can be difficult to know where to start, even when you’re motivated to leave a toxic relationship. It’s important to have a support system and find ways to boost your own self esteem—if you feel stuck, it might be time to talk to a therapist for more support.

Here are ten tips for how to leave a toxic relationship:

1. Build a Support System

The feelings you experience after a toxic breakup are similar to going through a breakup in a healthy relationship. You will feel sad, conflicted, lovesick, relieved, depressed, and more. Leaving a toxic relationship is even more challenging if you have been financially dependent on your ex—but don’t despair. Rather than focusing on why this will be hard, focus on building the support system you will need when you decide to leave. Research shows that family and friend support during difficult times decreases psychological distress.1 Having a support system to lean on will make the transition easier for you.

2. Stay Firm With Your Decision to Leave

It’s called a breakup because it’s broken. If you’re at the point of ending the relationship, you have probably made attempts to get your partner to change their ways without success. If this is the case, you will need to remind yourself often that it is not your fault. Even if an abusive or toxic ex changes their ways, it is likely due to the shock of the breakup. If you get back together, their chances of returning to their toxic behaviors is very high. Following through on leaving a toxic relationship will require being firm in your decision.

3. Cut Off Contact

It will be crucial for you to cut off contact with your ex once the relationship has ended. Keeping in contact with your ex opens the door to getting back together. Toxic people can be emotionally manipulative and may use emotional blackmail to lure you back in. When you decide to leave your partner, end any form of communication with them unless you share children and need to co-parent. If this is the case, only communicate about the children.

Also, seeing your ex across social media will keep the memory of the relationship fresh, so it’s crucial that you block them on your phone and find ways to avoid running into them in person. These actions will set a clear boundary that the toxic relationship is over, and help you stop thinking about them altogether.

4. Know That You Deserve Better

Months or years of being verbally abused or told you will never find anyone better can wear a person down, and you might start to believe it. But this is not true. Tearing down self-esteem and self-worth is the technique toxic partners use to keep victims trapped in the relationship. Let “I deserve better!” become your daily mantra, by replacing negative beliefs about your self-worth with positive, affirming ones. You need to move forward for your own mental and emotional well-being.

5. Seek Professional Help From a Therapist

Depending on the level of seriousness, leaving a toxic relationship can require help in creating a game plan. Confiding in friends and family or finding a therapist to speak with can be helpful as well. A good therapist can help you cope, rebuild your sense of self-worth, and address any safety issues. A therapist can be an unbiased resource to guide you and hold you accountable for creating goals and sticking to them.

6. Keep a Journal of Your Emotions

Writing about your feelings and emotions might be the last thing you feel like doing. You might feel too tense to focus and worried that writing it down might make you feel worse. Expressive writing might make you feel more anxious, scared, or upset but fast-forward a few weeks, and research shows you will probably notice both mental and physical benefits that include:1

  • Less visits to the doctor
  • Improved immune system
  • Improved mood
  • Better sense of well-being
  • Lower blood pressure

7. Make a Detailed Plan

If you’ve decided to leave a toxic relationship, make a plan for how you will deal with the transition. If you don’t currently have a career, you might consider going to school, getting new training, or beginning a job. Financial independence is crucial to your freedom. Also, make clear plans regarding where you will move, which possession you will take with you, etc.

8. Surround Yourself With Positivity

Practice self-care by surrounding yourself with positivity; spend time with people who make you feel good, treat yourself to your favorite meal, engage with your faith community, exercise, and do things that make you smile. People in toxic relationships need healing, a process that takes time. Being in a toxic relationship can cause incalculable stress, so it is essential to try to replace negative emotions with positive ones.

9. Express Your Feelings

It is important to express your feelings to your partner when you have decided to leave. If your partner is emotionally mature, an in-person conversation is best, however if they are short-tempered or emotional, writing out your feelings may be best.

It is important to express how your partner makes you feel without directing blame. Avoid phrases like, “You make me feel…” and instead express your feelings by saying something like, “I feel very sad or angry when I hear you say…” You can’t control how the other person responds, but you can control how you express your feelings (in a neutral way). Regardless of their response, expressing your feelings is an essential step to leaving the relationship.

10. Stick With Your Decision

After leaving a toxic relationship, it is normal to miss the person, remembering only the good times and forgetting the toxic parts. It can be tempting to want the person back in your life, but keep in mind that you came to the decision to leave after a long, thoughtful process and for concrete reasons.

Reach out to your support system, because they will keep you accountable to your decision. Also, review the reasons that led you to leave the toxic relationship. Stay strong and stick to your decision.

Separation & Divorce Support Groups

Circles offers support groups that provide a safe place to share your experiences and learn from others going through similar experiences. Circles offers groups focused on the those living through a separation or divorce. Groups meet weekly by video and are led by expert facilitators. Your group can connect via chat anytime using the Circles app. Join a Circles group for just $20 per week. Learn More

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health & wellness companies and is compensated for referrals by the company mentioned above.

How to Move on From a Toxic Relationship

The after effects of being in a toxic relationship can take a toll on your health, lead to depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem. It’s important to take some time for yourself to reflect and recharge.

To heal yourself from the negative effects of a toxic relationship, follow these steps as you move forward:

1. Focus on Self-Love

It takes time to heal wounds, so give yourself the chance to prove that you are worthy of love and being in a healthy relationship. Remember to love yourself even on the darkest, most challenging days, because only you can save yourself. Get back into hobbies that you used to enjoy. Go on coffee dates with yourself, because you don’t need a partner to make you feel special.

2. Feel Every Emotion

As overwhelming as it might be, it is essential to go through all of the emotions that come up after leaving a toxic relationship. You are allowed to cry and feel sad because these are normal human emotions. This might be a good opportunity to seek assistance from a therapist who can guide you and help you cope and restore your sense of self-worth.

3. Don’t Jump Into a New Relationship Prematurely

Give yourself time to heal before getting into a new relationship, in order to avoid having a rebound. This is a crucial time to focus on introspection and to analyze where you stand. It is also a good time to learn from your mistakes and to become clear about the type of relationship  you will choose to invest your time in.

4. Remember It’s All Right to Not Get Closure

Moving on without getting closure can be difficult, but keep in mind that it is all temporary. Don’t wait for an apology from a toxic partner. Instead, be the bigger person and let go of any bitterness you might be holding on to. A helpful tip is to fill the empty void and days with something more productive, such as a new hobby or new skills. This will keep your mind busy and distracted.

How to Get Help for Someone Who Wants to Leave a Toxic Relationship

When you care about someone, you want them to be happy and healthy in their relationship. When someone is in a toxic relationship, you can’t make them leave, but what you can do is  offer love, understanding, and emotional support as they find their way through the complex, overwhelming emotions they are experiencing.

Final Thoughts

If you are dealing with issues in a toxic relationship, talking to a therapist can make a big difference in how you feel. If you’re having difficulty coping or need help creating boundaries, do not hesitate to reach out to a therapist. You deserve to be happy in your life, but you have to make the leap!

Additional Resources

Education is just the first step on our path to improved mental health and emotional wellness. To help our readers take the next step in their journey, Choosing Therapy has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. Choosing Therapy may be compensated for referrals by the companies mentioned below.

BetterHelp (Online Therapy) – Dating is complicated and emotionally challenging. BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you. Get Started

Online-Therapy.com (Online Therapy) – Are you dating someone with mental illness or addiction? Don’t face these challenges alone! The Online-Therapy.com standard plan includes a weekly 45 minute video session, unlimited text messaging between sessions, and self-guided activities like journaling. Recently, they added instructional Yoga videos. Get Started

Headspace (Meditation App) – Mindfulness and meditation can change your life. In a few minutes a day with Headspace, you can start developing mindfulness and meditation skills. Free Trial

Choosing Therapy’s Directory – Find an experienced therapist who has your best interests in mind. You can search for a therapist by specialty, availability, insurance, and affordability. Therapist profiles and introductory videos provide insight into the therapist’s personality so you find the right fit. Find a therapist today.

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for referrals by BetterHelp, Online-Therapy.com, and Headspace

For Further Reading

  • Mental Health America
  • National Alliance on Mental Health
  • MentalHealth.gov
1 sources

Choosing Therapy strives to provide our readers with mental health content that is accurate and actionable. We have high standards for what can be cited within our articles. Acceptable sources include government agencies, universities and colleges, scholarly journals, industry and professional associations, and other high-integrity sources of mental health journalism. Learn more by reviewing our full editorial policy.

  • University of Rochester Medical Center. (n.d.). Journaling for mental health. Retrieved from https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content.aspx?ContentID=4552&ContentTypeID=1

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Headshot of Insha Rahman, LCSW
Written by:

Insha Rahman

LCSW
Headshot of Benjamin Troy, MD
Reviewed by:

Benjamin Troy

MD
  • Signs of a Toxic RelationshipSigns
  • When To Leave A Toxic RelationshipWhen to Leave
  • Tips for Leaving a Toxic RelationshipHow to Leave
  • How to Move on From a Toxic RelationshipMoving On
  • How to Get Help for Someone Who Wants to Leave a Toxic RelationshipGetting Help
  • Final ThoughtsConclusion
  • Additional ResourcesResources
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