A Step-By-Step Guide for How to Leave a Toxic Relationship

Why Leaving a Toxic Relationship Is So Hard

Leaving a toxic relationship can be very hard because of all the emotional labor and time spent trying to make the relationship work. It can feel like an internal failure, or like you are giving up on something you’ve invested in. While there are ways to turn a toxic relationship around, it’s important to acknowledge that not all toxic relationships can be saved.

Here are some reasons why leaving a toxic relationship is so hard:

• Fear of the unknown or retaliation: Fear of the unknown or of retaliation can make leaving a toxic relationship incredibly daunting. This fear can cause paralyzing anxiety, making you hesitate to take steps toward leaving, even when they know it’s necessary for your well-being.
• Having children with the person: If you are a parent, concerns about the impact on your children can be a significant barrier to leaving. You may worry about custody arrangements, the emotional well-being of your children, and the stability of your children’s lives post-separation. Children can have a more positive view of the toxic parent, as their relationship is often so different from the parent-parent relationship.
• Still loving the person: Despite the toxicity, genuine feelings of love or attachment to the partner can create emotional barriers to leaving. You may hold onto hope that things will improve or fear losing the positive aspects of the relationship, making it hard to let go.
• Financial dependence: Financial dependence or concerns about financial stability post-separation can make leaving a toxic relationship extremely challenging. Limited resources or lack of financial independence can trap you in a situation you want to escape.
• Shame about the relationship: Feelings of shame or embarrassment about the relationship can prevent you from seeking help or confiding in others. You may feel guilty or ashamed for not seeing the signs earlier or being stronger to leave sooner. This self-criticism can be reinforced by the manipulative tactics of the toxic partner, who may use shame to control and undermine your confidence and independence.
• Being codependent: In a codependent relationship, where one person excessively relies on the other for approval and a sense of identity, leaving can feel like losing a part of yourself. Recognizing signs of codependency, such as people-pleasing, difficulty setting boundaries, and low self-esteem, is crucial for understanding why these relationships can be so difficult to leave.
• Familiarity and comfort: Our bodies and minds tend to like familiarity, and that can keep us in situations that are bad for our health. Familiarity can create a sense of stability amidst the chaos, so despite the toxicity and pain, there is a predictability in the routine and dynamics of the relationship that can feel reassuring.

13 Steps to Leaving a Toxic Relationship

Leaving can be difficult, but it’s important to recognize all the advantages of ending a toxic relationship and focusing on the new opportunity to find a relationship that will fulfill you. Begin by building a support system of people who can remind you why you are leaving and help you to physically remove yourself. Toxic relationships can damage the way we see ourselves, so find ways to boost your own self-esteem. If you feel deeply stuck, it might be time to talk to a therapist for more support.

Here are thirteen steps to take when leaving a toxic relationship. At the end of the list are a few worksheets to help you implement the steps:

1. Build a Support System & Safety Net

When leaving a toxic relationship, you will likely have a lot of overwhelming emotions, such as sadness, internal conflict, relief, depression, and more. Leaving a toxic relationship is even more challenging if you have been financially dependent on your ex, have children together, or are struggling with codependency. Building a support system of people who can be there for you is crucial in ensuring you stick to your decision to leave.¹ This network can provide emotional support, practical help like a place to stay or financial assistance, and encouragement to stick to your decision. Knowing you have people you can rely on reduces the fear and uncertainty of leaving, making the transition smoother and safer.

2. Let a Loved One Know How Toxic the Relationship Is

Sharing how toxic your relationship is with a trusted loved one is vital. It helps validate your feelings and provides an external perspective on the situation. This step can also help break the isolation often felt in toxic relationships and strengthen your resolve to leave by gaining support and understanding from someone who cares about your well-being.

3. Make a Detailed Plan

If you’ve decided to leave a toxic relationship, make a plan for how you will deal with the transition. If you don’t currently have a career, you might consider going to school, getting new training, or beginning a job. Financial independence is crucial to your freedom. Also, make clear plans regarding where you will move, which possessions you will take with you, etc.

When developing a plan, it is important to lean on the support system you have built. Although it can be extremely difficult to ask others for help in achieving independence, it is important to push through the shame to ensure that you can leave safely.

4. Express Your Feelings

It is important to express your feelings to your partner when you have decided to leave. If your partner is emotionally mature, an in-person conversation is best; however, if they are short-tempered, emotional, or emotionally abusive, writing out your feelings or having a third party reach out may be best.

5. Become Okay With Not Getting Closure

Moving on without getting closure can be difficult, but toxic relationships often involve manipulation, making closure unlikely. By becoming ok with not getting closure, you free yourself from seeking answers that will likely never come. Instead, focus on your own healing and well-being rather than staying stuck in the past.

6. Cut Off Contact

It will be crucial for you to cut off contact with your ex once the relationship has ended. Keeping in contact with your ex opens the door to getting back together. Toxic people can be emotionally manipulative and may use emotional blackmail to lure you back in. When you decide to leave your partner, practice the no contact rule, where you end any form of communication with them unless you share children and need to co-parent with your toxic ex. If this is the case, only communicate about the children.

7. Unfollow Them on Social Media

Seeing your ex across social media will keep the memory of the relationship fresh, so it’s crucial that you block them on your phone and find ways to avoid running into them in person. These actions will set a clear boundary that the toxic relationship is over and help you stop thinking about them altogether.

8. Remind Yourself That You Deserve Better

Months or years of being verbally abused or told you will never find anyone better can wear a person down, and you might start to believe it. But this is not true. Tearing down self-esteem and self-worth is the technique toxic partners use to keep their partner trapped in the relationship. Let “I deserve better!” become your daily mantra by replacing negative beliefs about your self-worth with positive, affirming ones. You need to move forward for your own mental and emotional well-being.

9. Seek Professional Help From a Therapist

A toxic relationship can leave you stripped of your self-esteem. If you were living together or were financially dependent on your ex, you will have many logistical struggles. If children are involved, there will be many complications in terms of co-parenting. Although you can rely on your support system, a mental health professional is another source of support in this tough time. A good therapist can help you cope, rebuild your sense of self-worth, and address any logistic issues you may have.

10. Keep a Journal of Your Emotions

Writing about your feelings and emotions might be the last thing you feel like doing. You might feel too tense to focus and worried that writing it down might make you feel worse. However, research shows that journaling is a wonderful way to process difficult times and experience a cathartic release.¹ Journaling about your emotions can also act as a reminder of why the relationship was unhealthy in moments when you are finding it difficult to stick with your decision to leave.

11. Set A Goal To Be Independent

Independence will empower you to regain control over your life and future. By establishing specific goals, such as securing financial stability, finding a new living arrangement, or pursuing personal growth, you can build confidence and a sense of purpose outside the toxic dynamics. This goal-setting process provides motivation and a clear direction to take the necessary steps toward freedom and healing.

12. Stick With Your Decision

After leaving a toxic relationship, it is normal to miss the person, remembering only the good times and forgetting the toxic parts. It can be tempting to want the person back in your life but keep in mind that you came to the decision to leave after a long, thoughtful process and for concrete reasons.

It’s called a breakup because it’s broken. Even if an abusive or toxic ex changes their ways, it is likely due to the shock of the breakup. If you get back together, their chances of returning to their toxic behaviors are very high. Following through on leaving a toxic relationship will require being firm in your decision.

If you are struggling with your decision to leave, reach out to your support system. They will hold you accountable for your decision. Also, review the reasons that led you to leave the toxic relationship. Stay strong and stick to your decision.

13. Focus on Self-Care & Self-Love

It takes time to heal wounds, so give yourself the chance to prove that you are worthy of love and being in a healthy relationship. Remember to love yourself even on the darkest, most challenging days because only you can save yourself.

Practice self-care by surrounding yourself with positivity. Spend time with people who make you feel good and engage with your community. Toxic relationships can make a person lose themselves, so get back into hobbies that you used to enjoy, treat yourself to your favorite meal and do things that make you smile.

8 Free Worksheets for Trauma Healing

This collection of worksheets provides practical tools and strategies for managing trauma symptoms.

 

 

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When to Seek Professional Support

The after-effects of being in a toxic relationship can take a toll on your health as well as lead to depression after the breakup, anxiety after the breakup, and low self-esteem. Therapy after a breakup with a toxic ex is the surest way to speed up your healing process.

Grow Therapy features an online directory with detailed filters to help you find a therapist who takes your insurance and specializes in the type of therapy you want to explore. Alternatively, online therapy services are a good option for individuals who want to see a therapist and/or psychiatrist from the comfort of their own homes. Many online services, such as Talkiatry, offer both therapy and medication management for a more collaborative approach to care.