Intimate relationships can go through ups and downs, but a toxic relationship is one that is consistently draining and distressing. Partners in a toxic relationship do not support each other, often display competitiveness and disrespect, and try to undermine each other. If you’re in a toxic relationship, it might be time to make a plan to leave.
What Is a Toxic Relationship?
On the surface, it might seem like a toxic relationship is easy to spot. But things can get complicated when toxicity is tied to a romantic relationship. If this is the case, and you think you might be in a toxic relationship, it may be time to make some healthy changes.
Toxic Relationships vs Abuse & Domestic Violence
Toxic relationships and abusive relationships can have some overlap, but there is a difference. In an abusive relationship, one partner is always in control. A partner who is aware of their actions and chooses abusive behaviors to show dominance and instigate violence is an abusive partner who wants to maintain control over the other partner. It might start out as emotional abuse and become physical over time.
Abusive relationships can be hard to recognize but it’s important to be aware of the cycles of abuse and different types of abuse outside of physical and emotional abuse, such as financial abuse or academic abuse. Toxic relationships that turn abusive can also use physical intimacy to perpetuate abuse using sexual coercion. In any relationship, there needs to be respect.
Signs of a Toxic Relationship
Here are five signs you may be in a toxic relationship:
- Constant unhappiness: If you feel sad, angry, anxious, or resigned to the relationship. Negative shifts in your mental health, personality, or self-esteem can be red flags as well. These shifts could range from feeling on edge around your partner to clinically diagnosable conditions such as depression or anxiety.
- Your partner has no friends other than you: Relationships are stronger when both partners have friends and interests outside of each other. If your partner is possessive and discourages you from going out with friends, that is a red flag.
- Your partner calls you names or criticizes you personally: Personal attacks and/or devaluing someone’s personality, values, or physical appearance are a hallmark sign you are in a toxic relationship.
- Your partner constantly texts you to check-in: Staying in touch by sending silly memes or cute messages is positive, but a toxic partner will use texting to control you. This could include tracking your location, asking you to text back frequently or take pictures to prove where you are.
- Your friends or family hate your partner: How those close to you feel about your partner is probably the most underrated yet most important sign of a toxic relationship. Pay close attention to what your loved ones tell you and also if you feel like there are things you can’t tell them.
Why Leaving a Toxic Relationship Is So Hard
Leaving a toxic relationship can be very hard because of all the emotional labor and time spent trying to make the relationship work. It can feel like an internal failure, or that by leaving you are giving up on something you’ve invested in. While there are ways to turn a toxic relationship around (which involves a lot of emotionally challenging work from both partners), it’s important to acknowledge that not all toxic relationships can be saved.
Our bodies and minds tend to like familiarity, and that can keep us in situations that are bad for our health. When there is no progress taking place, it might even become harder to leave as there are fewer ways to justify staying. Leaving can be difficult, but it’s important to recognize all the advantages of ending a toxic relationship and focusing on the new opportunity to find a relationship that will fulfill you.
When to End a Toxic Relationship
People get stuck in relationship patterns that can be difficult to break out of, but if your relationship is toxic you will become more damaged by staying in it. While a relationship does not have to involve abuse for it to be considered toxic, all abusive relationships are toxic. Not all toxic relationships can or should be saved. However, any form of domestic abuse, whether it’s physical, sexual, or emotional should be an automatic relationship-ender.
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11 Tips for Leaving a Toxic Relationship
It can be difficult to know where to start, even when you’re motivated to leave a toxic relationship. It’s important to have a support system and find ways to boost your own self esteem—if you feel stuck, it might be time to talk to a therapist for more support.
Here are 11 tips for how to leave a toxic relationship:
1. Build a Support System
The feelings you experience after a toxic breakup are similar to going through a breakup in a healthy relationship. You will feel sad, conflicted, lovesick, relieved, depressed, and more. Leaving a toxic relationship is even more challenging if you have been financially dependent on your ex—but don’t despair. Rather than focusing on why this will be hard, focus on building the support system you will need when you decide to leave. Research shows that family and friend support during difficult times decreases psychological distress.1 Having a support system to lean on will make the transition easier for you.
2. Stay Firm With Your Decision to Leave
It’s called a breakup because it’s broken. If you’re at the point of ending the relationship, you have probably made attempts to get your partner to change their ways without success. If this is the case, you will need to remind yourself often that it is not your fault. Even if an abusive or toxic ex changes their ways, it is likely due to the shock of the breakup. If you get back together, their chances of returning to their toxic behaviors is very high. Following through on leaving a toxic relationship will require being firm in your decision.
3. Cut Off Contact
It will be crucial for you to cut off contact with your ex once the relationship has ended. Keeping in contact with your ex opens the door to getting back together. Toxic people can be emotionally manipulative and may use emotional blackmail to lure you back in. When you decide to leave your partner, end any form of communication with them unless you share children and need to co-parent. If this is the case, only communicate about the children.
4. Unfollow Them on Social Media
Seeing your ex across social media will keep the memory of the relationship fresh, so it’s crucial that you block them on your phone and find ways to avoid running into them in person. These actions will set a clear boundary that the toxic relationship is over, and help you stop thinking about them altogether.
5. Know That You Deserve Better
Months or years of being verbally abused or told you will never find anyone better can wear a person down, and you might start to believe it. But this is not true. Tearing down self-esteem and self-worth is the technique toxic partners use to keep their partner trapped in the relationship. Let “I deserve better!” become your daily mantra, by replacing negative beliefs about your self-worth with positive, affirming ones. You need to move forward for your own mental and emotional well-being.
6. Seek Professional Help From a Therapist
Depending on the level of seriousness, leaving a toxic relationship can require help in creating a game plan. Confiding in friends and family or finding a therapist to speak with can be helpful as well. A good therapist can help you cope, rebuild your sense of self-worth, and address any safety issues. A therapist can be an unbiased resource to guide you and hold you accountable for creating goals and sticking to them.
7. Keep a Journal of Your Emotions
Writing about your feelings and emotions might be the last thing you feel like doing. You might feel too tense to focus and worried that writing it down might make you feel worse. Expressive writing might make you feel more anxious, scared, or upset, but fast-forward a few weeks and research shows you will probably notice both mental and physical benefits, including:1
- Fewer visits to the doctor
- Improved immune system
- Improved mood
- Better sense of well-being
- Lower blood pressure
8. Make a Detailed Plan
If you’ve decided to leave a toxic relationship, make a plan for how you will deal with the transition. If you don’t currently have a career, you might consider going to school, getting new training, or beginning a job. Financial independence is crucial to your freedom. Also, make clear plans regarding where you will move, which possession you will take with you, etc.
9. Surround Yourself With Positivity
Practice self-care by surrounding yourself with positivity; spend time with people who make you feel good, treat yourself to your favorite meal, engage with your faith community, exercise, and do things that make you smile. People in toxic relationships need healing, a process that takes time. Being in a toxic relationship can cause incalculable, toxic stress, so it is essential to try to replace negative emotions with positive ones.
10. Express Your Feelings
It is important to express your feelings to your partner when you have decided to leave. If your partner is emotionally mature, an in-person conversation is best; however if they are short-tempered or emotional, writing out your feelings may be best.
It is important to express how your partner makes you feel without directing blame. Avoid phrases like, “You make me feel…” and instead express your feelings by saying something like, “I feel very sad or angry when I hear you say…” You can’t control how the other person responds, but you can control how you express your feelings (in a neutral way). Regardless of their response, expressing your feelings is an essential step to leaving the relationship.
11. Stick With Your Decision
After leaving a toxic relationship, it is normal to miss the person, remembering only the good times and forgetting the toxic parts. It can be tempting to want the person back in your life, but keep in mind that you came to the decision to leave after a long, thoughtful process and for concrete reasons.
Reach out to your support system, because they will keep you accountable to your decision. Also, review the reasons that led you to leave the toxic relationship. Stay strong and stick to your decision.
How to Get Over a Toxic Relationship
The after effects of being in a toxic relationship can take a toll on your health, lead to depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem. It’s important to take some time for yourself to reflect and recharge.
To heal yourself from the negative effects of a toxic relationship, follow these steps as you move forward:
1. Focus on Self-Love
It takes time to heal wounds, so give yourself the chance to prove that you are worthy of love and being in a healthy relationship. Remember to love yourself even on the darkest, most challenging days, because only you can save yourself. Get back into hobbies that you used to enjoy. Go on coffee dates with yourself, because you don’t need a partner to make you feel special.
2. Feel Every Emotion
As overwhelming as it might be, it is essential to go through all of the emotions that come up after leaving a toxic relationship. You are allowed to cry and feel sad because these are normal human emotions. This might be a good opportunity to seek assistance from a therapist who can guide you and help you cope and restore your sense of self-worth.
3. Don’t Jump Into a New Relationship Prematurely
Give yourself time to heal before getting into a new relationship, in order to avoid having a rebound. This is a crucial time to focus on introspection and to analyze where you stand. It is also a good time to learn from your mistakes and to become clear about the type of relationship you will choose to invest your time in.
4. Remember It’s All Right to Not Get Closure
Moving on without getting closure can be difficult, but keep in mind that it is all temporary. Don’t wait for an apology from a toxic partner. Instead, be the bigger person and let go of any bitterness you might be holding on to. A helpful tip is to fill the empty void and days with something more productive, such as a new hobby or new skills. This will keep your mind busy and distracted.
Final Thoughts
If you are dealing with issues in a toxic relationship, talking to a therapist can make a big difference in how you feel. If you’re having difficulty coping or need help creating boundaries, do not hesitate to reach out to a therapist. You deserve to be happy in your life, but you have to make the leap!
For Further Reading
How to Leave a Toxic Relationship Infographics
