The worst thing to do or say to someone with PTSD involves statements or actions that take away their voice or choice in decisions. Someone with PTSD is having a normal response to an abnormal situation. Their trauma changed their lives, and loved ones play an essential role in their PTSD healing journey.
Recover from Trauma with the Help of a Therapist.
Therapy can help you live a better life. BetterHelp provides convenient and affordable online therapy, starting at $65 per week and is FSA/HSA eligible by most providers. Take a free online assessment and get matched with the right therapist for you!
What Is PTSD?
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a psychiatric disorder that results from experiencing or witnessing one or a series of traumatic events.1 PTSD symptoms include intrusive thoughts or flashbacks, avoidance of triggers, distortions in cognition and mood, and negative alterations in arousal.1 Diagnostically, symptoms must last longer than one month and cause clinically significant distress.1
PTSD affects an estimated 3.6% of US adults.2 Not everyone exposed to a traumatic event will develop PTSD, as some may not experience lasting symptoms or any symptoms at all. Other precipitating factors, such as genetics, current stressors, lack of support, or previous life history, can increase the risk of development.3
How You Interact With Someone Who Has PTSD Matters
How you interact with trauma survivors matters. Loved ones can play a vital role in improving or worsening their symptoms. Additionally, a support system influences whether the individual with PTSD stays in therapy and thereby heals their trauma.
Unfortunately, loved ones may not always know how to help. Some either avoid the person or unintentionally cause harm through interactions, such as re-traumatizing them. Individuals with PTSD often feel disconnected from others and ostracized for their symptoms. A lack of support can make them isolate themselves more and increase shame.
Interacting With Someone Who Has PTSD Vs. CPTSD
Individuals diagnosed with complex PTSD (CPTSD) have experienced multiple and chronic traumas, generally beginning in childhood. CPTSD has similar symptoms to PTSD, in addition to struggles with identity, emotion regulation, and maintaining relationships. You may need to exhibit extra patience around their interpersonal dysregulations.
Because people with CPTSD have increased difficulty trusting others, be patient and trustworthy through your actions. Additionally, be aware of their negative self-image and remind them they deserve love and respect.
What Not to Do to Someone With PTSD
Individuals experiencing PTSD are sensitive to their environment, and how you interact with them can easily exacerbate their symptoms. Therefore, knowing what not to do is crucial. Avoid making assumptions or giving unsolicited advice, as this can be overwhelming. Similarly, do not pressure them to talk about their trauma, and avoid sudden loud noises that can trigger flashbacks or panic attacks.
*Each person with PTSD is an individual with their own unique needs for recovery. This list of what not to do or say to someone with PTSD is a generalized starting point for having conversations about your loved one’s needs. This is not an all-inclusive list, nor should it serve as a one-size-fits-all approach for everyone.
Here are six things you should not do to a person with PTSD:
1. Force Them to Report The Incident
Forcing someone with PTSD to report the incident is one of the worst things to do. When people experience trauma, they feel as though they’ve lost their voice and choice. If you urge them to report the incident, you make them feel out of control. You may even re-traumatize the individual and exacerbate symptoms.
2. Push Them to Attend Social Events
Someone with PTSD may experience negative thoughts about themselves and others. They may also feel embarrassment or shame about their symptoms. These negative feelings and thoughts can leave them alienated or afraid to attend events with others. They may purposefully choose to isolate.
One of the worst things to do to someone with PTSD is push them to attend social events if they are not ready or willing. Watching a loved one isolate can be difficult. However, never force any decisions on the person with PTSD and let them lead in their interactions with others.
3. Expect Them to Handle All the Normal To-Dos
Someone with PTSD may not be able to handle their normal routine. Family, friends, and coworkers may struggle to understand these changes. Avoid placing expectations on them. Healing from PTSD does not have a timeline, and survivors should focus on going through the stages of trauma recovery at their own pace. Their support systems should be patient and understanding as they heal.
4. Ask Them Detailed Questions About the Event
One of the worst things to do to someone with PTSD is to ask them detailed questions about their trauma. Loved ones are naturally curious about the event. However, prying can become overwhelming for the person with PTSD. Explaining these details can worsen existing symptoms or further traumatize the individual.
5. Shame Them for Their Anger or Irritability
Someone with PTSD may get easily irritated or have angry outbursts. These strong emotions often occur as people are hypersensitive to their environment. Their mood changes can be confusing and scary for loved ones, especially when they were calm individuals before their traumatic experiences. Recognize that someone with PTSD does not choose to react in these ways. Shaming them can cause further disconnection and isolation.
6. Take Their Reactions Personally
Understand trauma survivors cannot control their PTSD symptoms. One of the worst things to do to someone with PTSD is blame or shame them for their reactions to triggers in their environment. Responding similarly will only worsen the situation.
Treatment for Trauma & PTSD
Therapy for PTSD – Get help recovering from trauma from a licensed therapist. BetterHelp offers online therapy starting at $65 per week and is FSA/HSA eligible by most providers. Free Assessment
Online PTSD Treatment – Talkiatry offers personalized care from psychiatrists who listen and take insurance. Get matched with a specialist in just 15 minutes. Take their assessment.
What Not to Say to Someone With PTSD
When speaking to someone with PTSD, be sensitive and avoid saying things that might trigger or upset them. Avoid making comments that judge their past or current behavior, make them feel bad about their emotions, or diminish their sense of hope.
One of the most pivotal factors in PTSD recovery is having people who care about and support the individual.4 Some research even shows social support can contribute to developing post-traumatic growth.5
Here are things you should not say to a person with PTSD:
“This Must Be a Lot to Handle, You Were Always So Sensitive”
What not to say to someone with PTSD includes comments about their sensitivity. Someone with PTSD sometimes experiences symptoms of hypervigilance, which may make them more sensitive to their environment. They do not have the same control over their responses as before the trauma occurred.
“What Doesn’t Kill You, Makes You Stronger”
This common phrase has good intentions but can be a form of toxic positivity. Statements like this can trigger your loved one to feel they have to always be happy after the traumatic incident.6 Being told to feel a certain way can lead them to suppress negative emotions, believing that they must appear “strong” in the wake of their trauma.
“You Aren’t Acting Like Yourself”
Someone with PTSD likely feels a disconnect between who they were before the trauma and who they are post-trauma.7 They could find understanding how trauma impacts the brain difficult. Survivors commonly think about who they could have been. Reminding the person they aren’t acting like themselves can make them afraid their personality changes are permanent.
“I Just Don’t Know How To Help You”
Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness are common following traumatic experiences. Saying explicitly you feel unsure how to help the person can further their feelings of helplessness and trigger shame.
However, saying, “I’m not sure how to help you, but I will be with you through this experience,” differs from stating your confusion in a frustrated manner. Expressing your confusion but still promising to work with the person can make you feel closer while still being authentic.
“Why Are You So Angry All The Time?”
Someone with PTSD may experience angry or irritable outbursts. They may carry resentment about the trauma having happened. These heavy emotions can be difficult for loved ones to witness, especially if the person was previously very peaceful.
Statements and questions that shame their anger are examples of what not to say to someone with PTSD. Recovery has no timeline. Processing and feeling their anger may be an important part of their healing process and requires patience from their support system.
“If You Had Not Done X, Maybe This Wouldn’t Have Happened”
Someone with PTSD may ruminate about their sense of personal responsibility for the traumatic events. Research found individuals with PTSD are likely to ask themselves “what if” and “why” questions surrounding their trauma.8 Speculating the “what ifs” may be one of the worst things to say to someone with PTSD because doing so may cause or exacerbate ruminative episodes.
How You Should Interact With Someone Who Has PTSD
Remember, someone diagnosed with PTSD likely feels out of control in how their body is responding to their trauma. When interacting with them, ask yourself how you can give them back empowerment in daily life. For example, you can ask what they would like for dinner. More complex decisions could be where to seek treatment.
Here are some tips for how to interact with someone who has PTSD:
Seek Permission to Ask Questions
Being curious about their trauma and emotional experiences is natural. Getting their permission to ask about the event allows them to control the conversation. For example, you can say, “I’ve noticed you have been isolating more. Is it okay if I ask why you’ve been spending more time alone?”
Continue To Invite Them (Even If They Turn You Down)
People with PTSD often feel alienated and sometimes even isolate themselves purposefully. Inviting them to events or outings sends a message you care enough to include them. Of course, if they ask you to stop inviting them, listen to their request.
Help Them Minimize Their To-Dos
Someone with PTSD focuses on surviving moment by moment. Sparing the time to help them with simple to-dos allows them to focus more energy on recovery. You can say, “I know it’s been hard to get things checked off your to-do list lately, and I’m wondering if there’s something I could do for you.”
Offer to do Breathing Exercises With Them
Traumatized individuals often have difficulty relaxing their bodies. Breathing techniques such as diaphragmatic breathing can help return the body to a relaxed state. Practicing these methods with your loved one (perhaps during heightened emotion) models healthy coping patterns. Doing this has the added benefit of calming yourself down, too.
Respond to Their Reactivity With Non-Reactivity
People with PTSD may be easily startled and overreact to things. Learning to stay calm and neutrally respond to them can help reduce the severity and frequency of their symptoms. Create a safe and understanding environment to support their healing journey.
Learn to Meet Them Where They Are
Every day can be different for someone who has PTSD. Some days, they may function relatively normally, and others may be extremely difficult. You can express patience through simple statements like, “I’m sorry today is hard for you” and “I’m here with you.”
Trauma Is Difficult to Overcome.
Therapy can help you live a better life. BetterHelp has over 30,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $65 per week and is FSA/HSA eligible by most providers. Take a free online assessment and get matched with the right therapist for you.
Finding Professional Help for Someone With PTSD
Seeking professional support is beneficial if PTSD symptoms disrupt your or your loved one’s life. PTSD is a disorder that often requires trauma-informed care to help someone return to baseline functioning. Learning to cope with PTSD and heal is possible with intervention from professionals and social support.
PTSD treatment is essential. You can use an online therapist directory or online therapy platform to search for a provider. Sometimes, talk therapy alone is not enough to combat symptoms, in which case finding a psychiatrist through online psychiatrist options may help manage symptoms.
Treatment options to explore for someone with PTSD include:
- Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR): EMDR for PTSD uses bilateral stimulation to help the brain re-process traumatic memories.
- Trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy (TF-CBT): TF-CBT incorporates facets of CBT to target maladaptive thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that developed as a result of the traumatic event.
- Cognitive processing therapy (CPT): CPT targets the cognitive distortions that develop from the traumatic event. Through CPT, clients learn to identify, challenge, and reframe negative thinking patterns associated with their trauma.
- Narrative exposure therapy (NET): NET incorporates narrative therapy principles to help the person develop and integrate a stable narrative about the trauma. Through NET, clients can learn to experience new meaning from their trauma narrative.
- Prolonged exposure therapy (PET): Through PET, clients learn to expose themselves to triggers of the traumatic event and use coping skills (such as breathing techniques) to tolerate the distress.
When to Seek Professional Support for Yourself
Seeking personal support is beneficial as you navigate supporting a loved one with PTSD. Signs you might need therapy include feeling constantly overwhelmed or anxious due to your loved one’s condition or struggling to communicate with them. Finding the right therapist can help you cope with their explosive responses and learn to support them without developing empathy burnout.
In My Experience
Additional Resources
To help our readers take the next step in their mental health journey, Choosing Therapy has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. Choosing Therapy is compensated for marketing by the companies included below.
Online Therapy
BetterHelp – Get support and guidance from a licensed therapist. BetterHelp has over 30,000 therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $65 per week and is FSA/HSA eligible by most providers. Take a free online assessment and get matched with the right therapist for you. Free Assessment
PTSD Treatment & Medication Management Covered by Insurance
Talkiatry – offers personalized care from psychiatrists who listen. They offer medication management and they’re in-network with every major insurer. Take a free assessment.
Ketamine Therapy for PTSD
Better U – offers personalized ketamine therapy with 1-on-1 coaching, all from the comfort of your own home. Address the root cause of PTSD and live a more fulfilling life. Start Your Free Assessment
Trauma & Abuse Newsletter
A free newsletter for those impacted by trauma or abuse. Get encouragement, helpful tips, and the latest information. Sign Up
Choosing Therapy Directory
You can search for therapists by specialty, experience, insurance, or price, and location. Find a therapist today.
Best Online Therapy Services
There are a number of factors to consider when trying to determine which online therapy platform is going to be the best fit for you. It’s important to be mindful of what each platform costs, the services they provide you with, their providers’ training and level of expertise, and several other important criteria.
9 Types of Therapy for Trauma
Experiencing trauma can result in distressing and debilitating symptoms, but remind yourself that there is hope for healing. If you or a loved one is suffering from the aftereffects of trauma, consider seeking therapy. Trauma therapy can help you reclaim your life and a positive sense of self.