Toxic positivity is the belief that everyone should be positive all the time, regardless of difficulties, tragedy, or hardship. Those who practice toxic positivity are often obsessed with positivity and “good vibes” and can come across as being dismissive of the expression of any other authentic emotions besides happiness.
What Is Toxic Positivity?
Toxic positivity is an attempt to remain happy or express positivity at all times, and in some cases, push others to do the same. This counterintuitive approach to authentic expression makes it difficult to share any real emotion. The pressure to stay positive at times ultimately hastens negative feelings, which can cause you to internalize yourself as a failure, which is a toxic pattern.1
Dr. Natalie Christine Dattilo, clinical psychologist and mental-health speaker and educator says, “While cultivating a positive mindset is a powerful coping mechanism, ‘toxic positivity’ stems from the idea that the best–or only–way to cope with a bad situation is to put a positive spin on it and not dwell on the negative. It results from our tendency to undervalue negative emotional experiences and overvalue positive ones. The root of toxic positivity is emotional avoidance, a coping strategy used to push away or minimize any internal distress. It stems from having what psychologists call a ‘low distress tolerance’ which is an inability to sit with discomfort.”
Positivity vs. Toxic Positivity: Why Is Toxic Positivity Unhealthy?
Being positive and having an optimistic outlook on life can be healthy. This kind of behavior looks like mindfulness, paying attention to your actions and reactions, and acknowledging all other emotions along a spectrum from negative to positive. It becomes unhealthy or toxic when the pressure to remain happy extends to experiences of loss, grief, or any kind of severe health or family issues.2
Dr. Alison Clabaugh of Arcadia University lists multiple reasons why toxic positivity is harmful: “First, the idea that negative emotions are bad or dangerous is patently false. Negative emotions (fear, anxiety, anger, sadness) are adaptive and have been so throughout our evolutionary history. They help us avoid situations that are unpleasant or even dangerous. Second, negative emotions are normal and inevitable parts of the human experience. While some people may have a naturally positive outlook (much of which to due to genetics), it is normal for people to feel negative emotions – particularly in response to negative events. If a person experiences the death of a loved one, it is natural to feel sadness, loss, and grief. Third, since negative emotions are impossible to avoid, striving for positivity all of the time ends up being counter-productive. Judging yourself for feeling negative emotions will only lead to feelings of disappointment, shame, and guilt. Further, putting a positive spin on a bad situation (e.g., the pandemic, racial injustice, food insecurity, homelessness) undermines motivation for change and stalls problem solving.”
In some cases of grief and loss, phrases like “move on” or attempts to diminish negative feelings can actually deepen feelings of grief. In other cases, people in violent or abusive situations may be more inclined to stay in a dangerous situation if they hear comments like “It could be worse!” It can even lead people to resent their negative emotions or deter them from seeking support.3
In relationships of any kind, toxic positivity creates barriers. If one is trying to express themselves and seek support, toxic positivity will only add to the problem. Generally, toxic positivity tells us that negative emotions are not allowed despite the fact that we all experience them. It teaches us to ignore those emotions and can lead to pent-up anger, depression, anxiety, and a slew of other mental health issues as well as physical issues as a result of the stress and pressure.4
Dr. Dattilo warns, “It can affect our ability to cope effectively because when our authentic emotions are denied, minimized, or invalidated, emotional suppression and significant self-doubt can result. It can create pressure to appear ‘ok’ and grateful ‘no matter what,’ which can be insensitive, invalidating, and in some cases, inappropriate. This can compromise our ability to confront a problem and deal with it effectively.”
Examples of Toxic Positivity
Toxic positivity can take on many forms, including incessant cheerfulness, guilting, comparison, and dismissiveness.
Phrases that depict examples of toxic positivity are:5
- “Failure is not an option”
- “Positive vibes only”
- “Everything happens for a reason”
- “It could be worse”
- “Don’t be so negative”
- “Other people have it worse”
- “Happy thoughts”
- “Stay positive”
- “You’ll get over it”
- “Look on the bright side”
- “Just be positive”
How to Deal With (& Avoid!) Toxic Positivity
Some ways to deal with or avoid toxic positivity are independent activities; other ways strategies might involve other people.
Here are seven ways to deal with toxic positivity:
1. Journal
Journaling allows individuals to write how and what they feel about the stressors in their life without any judgment. They can pour their emotions onto a blank page and unload their fear, anxiety, or depression, all of which are valid feelings. Journaling allows individuals to keep a record of their emotions (both positive and negative), reflect, and find opportunities for emotional growth.
Dattilo states, “Journal to self-reflect and better understand what you’re feeling and why. Journaling is one of the best tools available to gain some psychological ‘distance’ from the problem, which allows you to ‘see’ it better and find a solution.”
2. Take the Pressure Off
Dattilo encourages, “Remove the expectation and goal of feeling positive all the time. It’s unrealistic and can backfire on you by only making you feel worse.”
Clabaugh says, “Stay skeptical of messages promoting toxic positivity. American culture values a positive outlook, so toxic positivity messages are nearly impossible to avoid. But that doesn’t mean we need to accept them. Take the “good vibes only” message with a grain of salt and remember, it’s okay to be NOT okay.”
3. Practice Yoga
Yoga allows individuals to express emotions through their body. There are a lot of benefits to moving your body and exercising and yoga takes that one step further. When you’re able to find balance and an emotional equilibrium at the center of your mind, it becomes that much easier to process stressful emotions to get to a balanced state. There are many guided yoga meditations and yoga assist classes that can help restore missing balance and help you acknowledge the full range of your emotions.
4. Mindfulness & Meditation
Mindfulness skills and formal meditation have powerful stress-relieving capabilities. These skills help people learn to pull their attention away from unhelpful thoughts and be more present in a way that allows them to honor the negative emotions and channel energy towards more positive emotions.
Dr. Clabaugh encourages, “Learn to sit with all of your emotions – even the negative ones. Research shows that accepting negative emotions (rather than avoiding, denying, or dismissing them) may actually be beneficial to mental health. Mindfulness meditation practices are great for this. These practices typically involve embracing the full spectrum emotions without judgment or the desire to change.”
5. Practice Basic Self-Care
Dattilo notes, “Exercise, sleep, connect with friends and loved ones, develop a creative hobby, or practice being in the moment – all of which have been shown to help build better distress tolerance skills.”
6. Join a Support Group
Being part of a group or community is powerful. Support groups offer support (of course!), strength, and validation in a way that helps you remember you are not alone. In regard to toxic positivity, support groups can reshape your internalized messages about positivity to help restore emotional balance.
7. Talk With a Therapist
Therapists are equipped to help you understand and normalize a wide range of emotions and learn strategies to cope with these emotions. One way to find a therapist is by searching an online directory or reviewing the list of in-network providers with your insurance. Many therapists offer a free phone consultation, which gives you the opportunity to evaluate whether they’re the right fit.
Dr. Clabaugh warns, “While experiencing negative emotion is a normal and adaptive part of the human experience, it is important to acknowledge that there are some cases where people can be overwhelmed by negative emotions – including anxiety, sadness, or anger. If negative emotions impair a person’s ability to accomplish tasks (e.g., going to work) or if a person finds the negative feelings to be distressing or overwhelming over a period of time, the best thing to do is contact a mental health professional. Chronic feelings of anxiety or depression are much more common than most people think and typically respond very well to treatment.”
Final Thoughts On Toxic Positivity
Toxic positivity pushes people to only focus on positive emotions, even in the face of great hardship. This can intensify underlying negative feelings and make it harder to cope. Positivity-thinking is healthy, but non-stop positivity is unattainable. If you’re struggling with toxic positivity, remember that we all have ups and downs. Honor your emotions and process them to achieve better well-being.
Additional Resources
- Mental Health America
- National Alliance on Mental Health
- MentalHealth.gov
- Online Therapist Directory: Sort therapists by specialty, cost, availability and more. Watch intro videos and see articles written by the therapists you’re considering working with. When you’ve found a good match, book an online therapy appointment with them directly.
Are you ready to connect with a therapist but feel a little overwhelmed by all your options? Speak with one of Choosing Therapy’s Client Navigators. Client Navigators are mental health professionals who will listen to what you’re looking for in a therapist and help pair you with the best possible fit. Getting started is free, easy, and confidential.
