Toxic Positivity: Definition, Examples, & How to Cope

What Is Toxic Positivity?

Toxic positivity is an attempt to remain happy or express positivity at all times, and in some cases, push others to do the same. This counterintuitive approach to authentic expression makes it difficult to share any real emotion. The pressure to stay positive at times ultimately hastens negative feelings, which can cause you to internalize yourself as a failure, creating a toxic pattern.¹

“While cultivating a positive mindset is a powerful coping mechanism, ‘toxic positivity’ stems from the idea that the best–or only–way to cope with a bad situation is to put a positive spin on it and not dwell on the negative. It results from our tendency to undervalue negative emotional experiences and overvalue positive ones. The root of toxic positivity is emotional avoidance, a coping strategy used to push away or minimize any internal distress. It stems from having what psychologists call a ‘low distress tolerance’ which is an inability to sit with discomfort.” – Dr. Natalie Christine Dattilo, clinical psychologist and mental-health speaker and educator

Toxic Positivity Examples

Toxic positivity can take on many forms, including incessant cheerfulness, guilting, comparison, and dismissiveness.

Here are some phrases that depict examples of toxic positivity:²

• “Failure is not an option”
• “Positive vibes only”
• “Everything happens for a reason”
• “It could be worse”
• “Don’t be so negative”
• “Other people have it worse”
• “Happy thoughts”
• “Stay positive”
• “You’ll get over it”
• “Look on the bright side”

Toxic Positivity Vs. Optimism

Being positive and having an optimistic outlook on life can be healthy. This kind of behavior involves mindfulness, paying attention to your actions and reactions, and acknowledging all other emotions along a spectrum from negative to positive. It becomes unhealthy or toxic when the pressure to remain happy extends to experiences of loss, grief, or any kind of severe health or family issues.³

Why Toxic Positivity Is Harmful

“First, the idea that negative emotions are bad or dangerous is patently false. Negative emotions (fear, anxiety, anger, sadness) are adaptive and have been so throughout our evolutionary history. They help us avoid situations that are unpleasant or even dangerous. Second, negative emotions are normal and inevitable parts of the human experience. While some people may have a naturally positive outlook (much of which is due to genetics), it is normal for people to feel negative emotions – particularly in response to negative events. If a person experiences the death of a loved one, it is natural to feel sadness, loss, and grief. Third, since negative emotions are impossible to avoid, striving for positivity all of the time ends up being counter-productive. Judging yourself for feeling negative emotions will only lead to feelings of disappointment, shame, and guilt. Further, putting a positive spin on a bad situation (e.g., the pandemic, racial injustice, food insecurity, homelessness) undermines motivation for change and stalls problem solving.” – Dr. Alison Clabaugh of Arcadia University 

It Demeans Someone’s Loss

In some cases of grief and loss, phrases like “move on” or attempts to diminish negative feelings can actually deepen feelings of grief. In other cases, people in violent or abusive situations may be more inclined to stay in a dangerous situation if they hear comments like “It could be worse!” It can even lead people to resent their negative emotions or deter them from seeking support.⁴

It Creates Relational Barriers

In relationships of any kind, toxic positivity creates barriers. If one is trying to express themselves and seek support, toxic positivity will only add to the problem. Generally, toxic positivity tells us that negative emotions are not allowed despite the fact that we all experience them. It teaches us to ignore those emotions and can lead to pent-up anger, depression, anxiety, and a slew of other mental health issues as well as physical issues as a result of the stress and pressure.⁵

It Avoids Authentic Emotions & Stimulates Self-Doubt

Dr. Dattilo warns, “It can affect our ability to cope effectively because, when our authentic emotions are denied, minimized, or invalidated, emotional suppression and significant self-doubt can result. It can create pressure to appear ‘ok’ and grateful ‘no matter what,’ which can be insensitive, invalidating, and in some cases, inappropriate. This can compromise our ability to confront a problem and deal with it effectively.”

Signs You Might Be Toxically Positive

Toxic positivity is most easily identified by an attitude that is intolerant of sad, angry, or other “negative” emotions. Whether you dismiss or deny those feelings, feel guilty for having them, try to hide them, or shame others for having them, a general avoidance and hostility toward unhappy emotions is a red flag that you might be toxically positive.

Here are a few signs that you might be struggling with toxic positivity:

• Dismissing or denying problems (rather than facing them)
• Feeling guilty about feeling sad, angry, or disappointed
• Masking feelings behind positive quotes or idioms
• Shaming others when they are not being positive
• Suggesting that a positive attitude is all you need to overcome trauma and oppression
• Invalidating others’ emotions

How to Avoid Toxic Positivity

Some ways to deal with or avoid toxic positivity are independent activities, like clearing your social media of negative influences; other ways strategies might involve other people, like talking honestly about your negative feelings.

Here are ten ways to deal with toxic positivity:

1. Journal About Your Real Feelings

Journaling for mental health allows people to write how and what they feel about the stressors in their life without any judgment. They can pour their emotions onto a blank page and unload their fear, anxiety, or depression, all of which are valid feelings. Journaling allows you to keep a record of your emotions (both positive and negative), reflect, and find opportunities for emotional growth.

Dattilo states, “Journal to self-reflect and better understand what you’re feeling and why. Journaling is one of the best tools available to gain some psychological ‘distance’ from the problem, which allows you to ‘see’ it better and find a solution.”

2. Avoid Toxic Social Media Accounts

Clabaugh says, “Stay skeptical of messages promoting toxic positivity. American culture values a positive outlook, so toxic positivity messages are nearly impossible to avoid. But that doesn’t mean we need to accept them. Take the “good vibes only” message with a grain of salt and remember, it’s okay to be NOT okay.”

3. Manage, Don’t Deny, Your Negative Emotions

Accepting all feelings as they come and go throughout your daily life can ultimately give negative emotions less power, as they are more quickly dealt with and released. Instead of denying or repressing negative emotions, pause for a moment and acknowledge them. Think, “I am feeling [sad, angry, overwhelmed, jealous, etc.] right now.” Let yourself feel the emotion, and validate your experience of it. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, for example, you might think, “Hm, that makes sense that I’m feeling overwhelmed. I have a lot of deadlines looming and I’m not sure how I’m going to get it all done.” When we take the fear of negative emotions out of the equation and instead choose to acknowledge them head-on, we are better able to manage our feelings in healthy, productive ways, rather than becoming paralyzed by them.

Whether you decide to problem-solve around your work demands, write in a journal about your grief, or meditate and breathe through your worries, there are many coping strategies available for managing emotions in helpful ways. Remember that no one feels happy all the time, and that the ebb and flow of emotion is a part of life.

4. Listen & Validate Others’ Needs & Emotions

The more you fully experience and acknowledge your own emotions, the better equipped you will be to listen and validate others’ emotions and needs. Instead of shutting down a friend who is upset by looking for the silver lining in a situation, ask them open-ended questions to invite them to dive deeper into their emotional experience.

You could ask, “How has that been for you?” or “Wow, that sounds so hard. Tell me more.” If you want to help, you can ask what they need right now – “I can’t believe he broke up with you, and it makes sense that you’re heartbroken over this. Do you need me to make dinner for us both tonight, or would you rather me drop off a meal for you so you can have some space? I’m here for you, either way.”

5. Admit When You Make a Mistake

Instead of glossing over or denying when you’ve made a mistake, admitting you were wrong opens the door for personal growth and closer relationships. Admitting mistakes takes courage, but the authenticity and vulnerability that comes along with taking responsibility for our actions, especially when we’re wrong, builds trust. Adopting a growth mindset and expecting occasional mistakes, rather than denying them, allows you an opportunity to grow as a person, as you learn from mistakes and find new ways of moving forward.

6. Practice Mindfulness & Meditation

Mindfulness skills and formal meditation have powerful stress-relieving capabilities. These skills help people learn to pull their attention away from unhelpful thoughts and be more present in a way that allows them to honor the negative emotions and channel energy towards more positive emotions.

Dr. Clabaugh encourages, “Learn to sit with all of your emotions – even the negative ones. Research shows that accepting negative emotions (rather than avoiding, denying, or dismissing them) may actually be beneficial to mental health. Mindfulness meditation practices are great for this. These practices typically involve embracing the full spectrum of emotions without judgment or the desire to change.”

7. Start a Yoga Routine

Yoga allows people to express emotions through their body. There are a lot of benefits to moving your body and exercising, and yoga takes that one step further. When you’re able to find balance and an emotional equilibrium at the center of your mind, it becomes that much easier to process stressful emotions to get to a balanced state. There are many guided yoga meditations, yoga apps, and yoga assist classes that can help restore missing balance and help you acknowledge the full range of your emotions.

8. Practice Basic Self-Care

Dattilo notes, “Exercise, sleep, connect with friends and loved ones, develop a creative hobby, or practice being in the moment – all of which have been shown to help build better distress tolerance skills.”

9. Join a Support Group

Being part of a group or community is powerful. Support groups offer camaraderie, strength, and validation in a way that helps you remember you are not alone. In regard to toxic positivity, support groups can reshape your internalized messages about positivity to help restore emotional balance.

10. Talk With a Therapist

Therapists are equipped to help you understand and normalize a wide range of emotions and learn strategies to cope with these emotions. One way to find a therapist is by searching an online directory or reviewing the list of in-network providers with your insurance. Many therapists offer a free phone consultation, which gives you the opportunity to evaluate whether they’re the right fit.

Dr. Clabaugh warns, “While experiencing negative emotion is a normal and adaptive part of the human experience, it is important to acknowledge that there are some cases where people can be overwhelmed by negative emotions – including anxiety, sadness, or anger. If negative emotions impair a person’s ability to accomplish tasks (e.g., going to work) or if a person finds the negative feelings to be distressing or overwhelming over a period of time, the best thing to do is contact a mental health professional. Chronic feelings of anxiety or depression are much more common than most people think and typically respond very well to treatment.”

How to Deal With a Toxically Positive Person

Dealing with a toxically positive person can be a challenge. Don’t be afraid to be honest and authentic in sharing how their toxic positivity impacts you, and finding other outlets to express all of your feelings safely.

Here are a few tips for dealing with a toxically positive person: 

• Be realistic about how their toxicity impacts you: Acknowledging how a toxically positive person impacts you can not only help you manage your own reactions to the things they say, but can also help them to realize how hurtful their patterns of responding can be.
• Don’t be afraid to push back a bit: It is healthy to ask for the kind of support you need, and set boundaries with a person who tends to be toxically positive to allow for all of your emotions to be welcomed and processed.
• Remember that it’s OK to feel more than one way in a situation: Very few situations in life are black-and-white – remember that it is healthy and normal to feel more than one feeling in any given situation. Invite all the feelings, and know that it is okay not to be okay all the time regardless of what the person is telling you.
• Journal about how you’re actually feeling: Journaling can provide an outlet for exploring and expressing your emotions without judgment or pressure from others. Journaling has been shown to help reduce stress and may help in managing mental health challenges.⁶

How to Actually Validate Someone’s Negative Emotions

Instead of responding to difficult emotions with toxic positivity, try responding with non-judgmental active listening and validation. Listening with your whole body – making good eye contact, nodding, and reflecting on what you hear the other person saying are all important skills that help the other person to feel understood. Validate their feelings, and speak to the unspoken hurt that lies underneath –  for example, you might say, “I hear how frustrating this is for you.”

Offering empathy, rather than forcing a positive spin on the situation, helps others to feel supported and less alone. We all experience negative emotions in our lives, and the more we can validate and empathize with each other, the less stigma will be attached to these feelings.

Final Thoughts on Toxic Positivity

Toxic positivity pushes people to only focus on positive emotions, even in the face of great hardship. This can intensify underlying negative feelings and make it harder to cope. Positivity-thinking is healthy, but non-stop positivity is unattainable. If you’re struggling with toxic positivity, remember that we all have ups and downs. Honor your emotions and process them to achieve better well-being.