Criticism in Relationships: Causes, Impacts, & How to Change

What Does Criticism in Relationships Look Like?

Criticism in relationships can take many forms. For example, it may include insults or derogatory name-calling. In this case, a person pinpoints the problems they see in their partner by using negative descriptive adjectives such as “stupid,” “useless,” “uncaring,” “thoughtless.”

Criticism can also be reflected in statements. A person may attempt to use these in a suggestive way, rather than judgmental, in order to appear “helpful.”  Statements may look like, “It just doesn’t seem like you care about me or the kids.” A partner may also ask the other questions to reflect disapproval, such as, “Do you even care about helping out with chores?”

Criticism is one of four main interpersonal behaviors that may predict divorce, as it is strongly associated with marital and relationship dissatisfaction.^{2, 3} Unfortunately, it is rarely the case for one to feel good about a relationship if they do not feel valued or appreciated by their partner. Furthermore, excessive criticism can precede instances of self-harm in the affected partner.⁴ When a person is berated to no avail, then their negative self-image may lead them to act in drastic and devastating ways.

Criticism & The Four Horsemen

John Gottman is a notable psychologist in the field of relationships for his theories regarding healthy partnership dynamics. His approach to couples therapy (the “Gottman Method”) is considered to be one of the most effective when working to improve marital satisfaction.⁵

Gottman’s “The Four Horsemen” theory details specific predictors of a failing relationship.⁶  Gottman argues that couples need to be aware of the intense negative impact of these four factors in order to establish a stable partnership.

Gottman’s Four Horsemen include:

• Criticism (finding fault in one’s partner)
• Contempt (treating your partner with disrespect)
• Defensiveness (using excuses to avoid issues rather than addressing them)
• Stonewalling (withdrawing as a response to criticism)

What’s the Difference Between Criticism & Valid Complaints?

There is a clear difference between criticism and valid complaints. Due to intense emotions present in romantic relationships, criticism can often appear because a person may be more likely to seek faults in their partner.⁷ Additionally, for couples who live with each other, there are ample opportunities for them to express these negative feelings.

Criticism often starts off as simple, justifiable complaints. A person may very well be bothered by legitimate issues that need to be addressed. A valid complaint is factual, such as calling out a behavior that is hurtful or upsetting. However, criticism stems from opinion.  When a complaint goes from “this is what is bothering me” to “this is what is bothering me AND what I think about you because of it,” then it becomes a problem.

Signs That You Are Too Critical in Your Relationship

Criticism in a relationship can develop quickly, passing from valid complaints to harmful statements in one quick swing. Because of this, it is important that both partners stay focused on recognizing when they are becoming overly critical of one another. Romantic relationships do not stay strong for long if partners are not attentive to this foundational aspect of communication.

Signs that you may be overly critical in your relationship include:

• Constantly berating your partner’s personal qualities when bothered by their actions.
• Frequent complaints from your partner about how you respond when bothered by things they say or do
• Seeing your partner cry or get angry frequently when listening to your “suggestions”
• Withdrawing or refusing to discuss your statements
• Yelling or screaming when expressing your thoughts
• Feeling a need to add obscenities whenever you are making statements about certain behaviors
• Seeing yourself as justified in making negative statements about your partner

How Criticism Damages Relationships

Criticism damages relationships in many different ways. Not only does it make a partner feel badly about themselves, it can drastically impact one’s psychological health.⁸ Because of this, it’s necessary to monitor for any signs of excessive criticism from either yourself or your partner.

Below are specific ways that criticism may impact a relationship:

It Hurts Your Partner’s Self-Esteem

Receiving criticism from someone a person cares about greatly influences how they feel about themselves. Criticism not only causes superficial damage, but can also hurt a person very deeply. Furthermore, evidence suggests that excessive criticism can lead to long-term and severe neurological damage.⁹

It Destroys Trust

It is hard to trust someone when they don’t respect you. When a person expresses issue with a partner’s character, they are displaying disrespect and intentional harm. In turn, this destroys trust. This is further exacerbated if a person feels they are  “just trying to help” their partner.

It Impacts Intimacy

Intimacy refers to closeness with another person, and can be reflected both physically and emotionally. However, it is hard to feel intimate with someone who doesn’t respect or value you.  If you cannot trust that your partner will not intentionally hurt you, then it is also difficult to feel close to them.¹⁰

It’s Not Effective for Changing Your Partner’s Behavior

In a healthy relationship, partners want to make each other happy. They are receptive to and considerate of one another’s needs and feelings. Remaining clear and respectful about what you feel needs attention is effective when approaching these issues.¹¹. But, when statements become personal and insulting, it’s rare that a partner will be open to compromise.  People do not typically respond well to conversations that come couched with insults and disrespect.

When Constant, It May Become Emotional Abuse

When criticism becomes a pattern, it is difficult to stop. When this happens, negativity and disdain builds over time. Criticism can have an “additive effect” on a relationship, meaning its  negative impacts are simply added to the intensity of the ones that came before.

How to Stop Criticizing Your Partner

Paying attention to your behavior is important when determining if you are too critical with your partner. We all mess up at times, so it is unlikely that anyone is never critical in their relationship. Still, frequent verbal insults can cause real and lasting damage. Focusing on offering judgment-free and supportive statements can help you address these communication shortcomings in healthy ways.

Focus on What You Need

Criticism may be triggered when a person feels like their partner doesn’t care about their personal needs. However, change is impossible if you don’t express how you feel about certain actions or behaviors in healthy ways. Instead of focusing on what you DO NOT want to see, be clear about what you DO hope to see moving forward. While this doesn’t guarantee change, it does make it more likely.

Use a “Soft Startup”

A “soft startup” allows a person to approach something that bothers them without insinuating any blame or judgment. Focus remains on what needs to change, not who is responsible for the action or behavior. An example of a soft startup may look like,  “I noticed that there are a lot of dishes in the sink. We need to develop a plan to get them done.” This is a stark contrast to a “hard startup” like, “You’re so lazy, you can’t even do the dishes.”  Be sure to use “We” and “I” statements instead of “You” targeted language.

Try “I Wish” Statements

Focusing on “I” can be the most effective way to avoid criticism. You really only know how youfeel about something, not how your partner feels. Because of this, focus on staying away from assuming what your partner is thinking. Making statements like “I wish we could work out a schedule for household chores” avoids placing judgment on your partner. Maybe your partner was also concerned about these issues, and engaging in this type of conversation ensures that the work gets done in a productive way.

How to Respond to a Critical Partner

If your partner is being overly critical of you, point out their behavior when it occurs. Explain how their statements came across to you while remaining calm and non-accusatory. However, be sure to express your feelings about what behaviors are and are not acceptable. Your partner may not even realize the impact of their actions. Once you let them know how you interpreted their behaviors, then they can make changes accordingly. Criticism will continue to persist if there is no clarity about when it occurs.

Here are some additional ways to handle criticism from your partner:

• Stay motivated when offering productive feedback
• Be patient as changes take place
• Be open to communication and compromise
• Stay strong when confronting shortcomings and negativity

Final Thoughts

Criticism can be a very difficult behavior to address. If you’re struggling to change your patterns, counseling can help as it offers both you and your partner a safe and neutral place to identify the necessary steps for moving forward.