Abandonment can occur when an individual feels that they have been abandoned either emotionally or physically. Although this can occur intentionally or unintentionally, there are long-lasting effects that can be difficult to overcome.
Trauma Is Difficult to Overcome.
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What Is Abandonment Trauma?
Abandonment trauma is a form of emotional distress that can result in an individual feeling rejected, left, or unwanted.1 People can experience abandonment trauma from various lived experiences, such as emotional or physical neglect in childhood or the loss of a relationship through death or divorce.
Although abandonment trauma can stem directly from childhood, anyone, no matter their age, can experience it. Although abandonment trauma is based on perception, it does not make it any less valid or distressing.
What Causes Abandonment Trauma?
Any experience(s) that leave the person feeling abandoned or left behind can cause abandonment trauma. Often, abandonment trauma can be created by caregivers since they play such a crucial role in early childhood development. However, abandonment trauma is not exclusively experienced in childhood, it can also be experienced through feeling abandoned by partners or friends.
Causes of abandonment trauma may include:
- Loss of a parent or caregiver: This can occur through death, physical separation, or emotional distance, which creates a significant loss for the child.
- Childhood neglect: Children rely on their caregivers and adults in their lives to meet their basic needs. When these needs are not met, the child might experience feelings of abandonment.
- Family instability and dysfunction: The inability to create a sense of safety and stability can have a significant impact on childhood development.
- Uninvolved caregivers: Having a caregiver who is not interested or too busy to be involved in their child’s life can create distress.
- Divorce or separation: Experiencing a parental separation can be traumatic. Abandonment trauma is likely to be experienced due to the child historically having to move between homes.
- Emotionally unavailable partners: This is a commonly experienced form of emotional abandonment trauma. Having an emotionally unavailable partner can look like an inability or unwillingness to connect emotionally (e.g. Feeling like you can’t show emotion around your partner).
- Being left in a dangerous situation by loved ones: Leaving the individual to feel physically abandoned and not cared for due to their safety not being prioritized.
- Experiencing emotional abuse: Any type of abuse can create feelings of emotional abandonment. Although they are physically present, the individual you once loved is not the person in front of you.
Symptoms of Abandonment Trauma
Abandonment trauma can often mimic symptoms of PTSD due to their similar and sometimes identical presentation. However, abandonment trauma does not always warrant a PTSD diagnosis. A licensed mental health professional would have to evaluate your symptoms and how long you have been experiencing them in order to make a proper diagnosis.
Symptoms of abandonment trauma may include:
- Anxiety
- Flashbacks
- Low self-esteem
- Inability to cope
- Feelings of insecurity or mistrust
- Codependency1
Signs of Abandonment Trauma
Abandonment trauma can manifest in individuals, affecting functioning and behavior and harming quality of life. Some individuals are more likely to internalize symptoms, which can increase their risk of struggling with mental illnesses such as anxiety, depression, PTSD, or personality disorders.
Signs of abandonment trauma may include:
Codependency
Those who have experienced abandonment trauma may gravitate toward codependent relationships out of fear of losing the other person. In an attempt to keep the other person from leaving or abandoning them, many assume a caretaker role. This is done to make themselves feel needed and valuable in the relationship.
Self-Sabotaging Behavior
Some engage in self-sabotaging behaviors as a way of protecting themselves from future hurt. Self-sabotaging behaviors can prevent future abandonment and provide a sense of false security.
Separation Anxiety
Some might see separation anxiety arise, which could be an indicator of abandonment trauma. Often, this is caused by an ability to form secure attachments in childhood. If a child experiences abandonment trauma in early development, they are likely to have an insecure attachment.
Fear of Being Alone
Individuals with abandonment issues may struggle with being alone due to the desire to avoid future abandonment. Often, this stems from the fear of being abandoned again, despite being in a healthy, stable relationship.
Struggling to Form Stable Relationships
Some major signs that someone has abandonment trauma include feeling insecure, having low self-esteem, and mistrust of others. All of these can hinder an individual’s ability to build and maintain healthy relationships.
Trust Issues
Mistrust is often seen in individuals who have experienced abandonment. Many become overly independent and self-sufficient to a fault, due to their inability to trust others. Lack of trust can destroy relationships and prevent the individual with trauma from developing new ones as well.
Perfectionism
Some may internalize the abandonment trauma and blame it on themselves. In an attempt to prevent abandonment from happening again, the person may feel the pressure to do everything right and struggle with perfectionism.
Treatment for Trauma & PTSD
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Effects of Abandonment Trauma
There are long-lasting impacts of abandonment trauma, and these can determine how someone moves through life. The impacts of abandonment trauma include the development of mental illness, behavioral issues, and interpersonal challenges.2
Effects of Abandonment in Childhood
Childhood trauma impacts the brain and hinders the child’s ability to emotionally regulate themselves. Children who have experienced abandonment trauma are more likely to develop poor attachment styles such as anxious, fearful avoidant, or avoidant.
Effects of abandonment trauma on children may include:
- Emotional dysregulation: Inability to return to cope with or manage difficult emotions such as anger or sadness.
- Executive dysfunction: Results in impaired planning, organization, and problem-solving abilities.3
- Social withdrawal: Children may sometimes seclude themselves, which can be a sign of experiencing abandonment.
- Poor impulse control: Due to impacts on early development, the child might struggle with issues related to impulse control.
Effects of Childhood Abandonment in Adulthood
Childhood abandonment has long-term consequences that can extend into adulthood if not addressed. Those who experience long-term effects from abandonment trauma are at an increased risk of developing mental health disorders. Additionally, they are less likely to develop positive social and coping skills due to poor attachments developed in childhood.
Effects of abandonment trauma on adults may include:
- Paranoia: After experiencing any form of trauma, there is a high chance of the individual struggling with paranoia. Whether the individual is aware of it or not, this is a form of protection.
- Thoughts of suicide: The chance of depression, suicidal thoughts, and self-harm tendencies increases when an individual experiences trauma.
- Extreme independence: The need to be self-sufficient and self-reliant is a common sign of having abandonment trauma.
- Codependency: The opposite of extreme independence is becoming codependent. People tend to become codependent in an extreme attempt to avoid future abandonment.
Abandonment Trauma & Co-Occurring Conditions
Abandonment trauma can leave the individual feeling a lack of control and can also contribute to multiple mental health disorders. Some behavioral health concerns such as self-harm, eating disorders, and other forms of trauma are frequently seen in individuals who have experienced abandonment trauma. Maladaptive behaviors such as self-harm and disordered eating often stem from the overwhelming need to have a sense of control.
Comorbid conditions with abandonment trauma may include:
- Eating disorders: Traumatic experiences and eating disorders are frequently seen together. Eating disorder behaviors can include binging, purging, restricting, and more.
- Self-harm: Many who have experienced trauma struggle with emotion regulation as well as impulse control, which can lead to self-harming behaviors.
- Depression: The impact on brain development and low self-esteem that is a result of abandonment trauma can lead to depressive symptoms and often a diagnosis of a depressive disorder.
- Anxiety: Mistrust and internalization of abandonment trauma can contribute to an individual experiencing anxiety.
- Personality disorders: Poor attachments made in childhood increase a person’s chance of developing a personality disorder later on in life.1
Recover from Trauma with the Help of a Therapist.
Therapy can help you live a better life. BetterHelp provides convenient and affordable online therapy, starting at $65 per week and is FSA/HSA eligible by most providers. Take a free online assessment and get matched with the right therapist for you!
How to Cope With Abandonment Trauma
Although we can’t control whether or not people leave us, we can learn how to cope with and overcome abandonment trauma. It is important to cope with abandonment trauma and process through it. In doing so, you allow yourself a better chance at developing healthy relationships, learning to trust others, and improving your quality of life. Another effective way of coping is to enlist the help of supportive loved ones throughout your healing journey.
Here are 8 tips for dealing with abandonment trauma:
1. Establish a Stable Support Network
Having supportive people surrounding you is essential when coping with trauma, as they can show care and support, and jump in should you need help. Having a strong support system can also help aid in post-traumatic growth by promoting and allowing for resiliency.
2. Maintain Regular Self-Care
Engaging in self-care activities can allow you space to practice caring for yourself after experiencing trauma. The benefits of self-care when healing from trauma include decreased feelings of stress and burnout prevention. There are many different forms of self-care, including emotional self-care. Emotional self-care is important to engage in when healing from trauma, as a main form of emotional self-care involves setting boundaries.
3. Establish Firm Boundaries
Establishing and following through with setting boundaries can help prevent or reduce the risk of future abandonment trauma. Setting boundaries can also aid in combating current symptoms by instilling a sense of autonomy and power. Some examples of boundaries that could be beneficial in healing from abandonment trauma include relationship boundaries (both platonic and romantic), time boundaries, and physical boundaries to name a few.
4. Join a Support Group
Allow yourself to seek help and support from those who understand and have been where you are. Support groups can provide a safe space for processing and giving as well as receiving valuable feedback. Healing with a group of other trauma survivors can increase connection and decrease feelings of loneliness.
5. Make Time for Enjoyable Activities
It can be difficult to make time for activities that you enjoy, especially when you have lived through trauma. Often, trauma survivors might lose interest and desire to engage in previously pleasurable activities. It is essential to reconnect with these activities and allow yourself to feel joy again.
6. Practice Relaxation Techniques
Trauma forces the body into fight, flight, or freeze responses. In order to remind your body that it is safe again, practicing relation techniques can help with this. Relaxation techniques will look different for everyone; However, breathing techniques, engaging the senses, and self-soothing can be helpful.
7. Go To Therapy
Mental health professionals can provide a calming and confidential space for you to process through traumatic experiences safely. Seeking professional help can seem daunting, but it is incredibly beneficial.
8. Consider EMDR
Although talk therapy is effective, you may find yourself needing specific trauma therapy. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a unique therapy that involves processing traumatic experiences safely.
When to Seek Professional Support
Therapy for abandonment trauma can be beneficial as it can help individuals heal from childhood trauma in a safe and supportive environment. If you are struggling with finding help, an online therapist directory or online therapy platform might be a good choice for finding the right therapist.
In My Experience
Additional Resources
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Experiencing trauma can result in distressing and debilitating symptoms, but remind yourself that there is hope for healing. If you or a loved one is suffering from the aftereffects of trauma, consider seeking therapy. Trauma therapy can help you reclaim your life and a positive sense of self.