Self-Sabotaging: Why We Do It & 8 Ways to Stop

Self-sabotage refers to beliefs and behaviors that prevent us from achieving our goals, hopes, and dreams. Self-sabotage is a normal part of the human experience and something we all do—often without fully realizing it. Fortunately, knowing the types of self-sabotage, where it comes from, and some helpful tips to neutralize it can help you overcome a fierce inner critic.

Examples of Self-Sabotaging Behavior

Self-sabotaging behavior disrupts your progress toward achieving your goals and can prevent you from living a life you truly value. Some people get in the way of their happiness and success, while others impede themselves in several areas. Life realms that fall prey to self-sabotage include romantic relationships, careers, education, and relationships with family and friends.

Here are ways self-sabotaging can impact your life:

Self-Sabotaging Your Romantic Relationships

Sometimes, people do things that undermine long-term romantic relationships, engaging in behaviors that ultimately lead to a breakup. These behaviors are often born out of fear of loss. Romantic self-sabotage can involve blaming, picking fights, or giving silent treatments. Some individuals may try to control or monitor their partners’ behaviors, constantly seeking reassurance and setting impossibly high standards. Unfortunately, these actions can end relationships before they have a chance to develop.^4,6,7

Self-Sabotaging Your Career

Self-sabotaging your career involves actions that prevent you from achieving your career goals. Fear of failure or anxiety about uncertainty can trap you in your comfort zone, depleting opportunities for advancement despite your desire to succeed.⁸ This self-sabotaging behavior leads to unhappiness at work, ultimately impacting mental health and well-being.

Self-Sabotaging Your Education

Educational self-sabotage can be intentional or unintentional. For example, a student may make excuses for failing or performing poorly because of anxiety or low self-confidence.⁹ Failure blamed on actions, like procrastination or purposefully not trying, reflects poor choices rather than an inherent lack of ability.

Self-Sabotaging Your Relationships With Friends & Family

This type of self-sabotage is often driven by a sense of competition from a need to prove your worth, equality, or superiority.⁴ Actions also stem from trying to control others or win their approval.¹⁰ Negative behavior that interferes with positive relationships with loved ones might involve passive-aggressive behavior, clinginess, false compliments, approval-seeking, boasting, or frequent check-ins to see if others are angry or otherwise upset with you.

Types of Self-Sabotage

Different types of self-sabotage vary depending on the person and situation. Ultimately, whatever form your self-sabotage takes, overcoming the behaviors preventing you from achieving your goals is possible.

Here are types of self-sabotage:

Procrastination

Procrastination involves stalling rather than immediately diving into a project.^3,8 Delaying action and engaging in distractions helps people avoid stress, anxiety, or otherwise emotionally uncomfortable situations, even though they might ultimately lead to growth.¹ Learning to overcome procrastination can help stop this form of self-sabotage.

Perfectionism

Perfectionism is the need for everything to be completely perfect. This self-sabotaging behavior can be self-defeating because it prevents people from advancing in their careers or enjoying satisfying, long-term relationships.¹¹ Perfectionism sets an impossibly high standard, leaving many afraid to take necessary risks or even complete projects.^3,8 Thankfully, there are ways to overcome perfectionism.

Self-Criticism

Negative self-talk and harsh self-criticism can affect our actions and prevent us from meeting our goals.⁵ Such thoughts are frequently automatic, running through our minds unchecked as an instant reaction to ourselves, others, and the situations we encounter. Listening to harsh self-criticism is a form of self-sabotage because doing so discourages us from believing we can achieve our goals.⁸

Resisting Change

Uncertainty intolerance is an underlying form of anxiety, and resisting change can keep people trapped in their comfort zones.¹² Clinging to old habits, making excuses (such as being too busy), making goals without taking the proper steps to meet them, or avoiding goal-setting altogether can impede development and success.¹¹ Resistance to change prevents people from healthy risk-taking or trying new things that could lead to growth.

Poor Self-Care

Not taking proper care of yourself is a form of self-sabotage that can prevent you from thriving. This includes poor eating habits, lack of sleep, not exercising, or avoiding visits with a doctor or therapist for physical and mental health challenges. Neglecting self-care can also involve engaging in risky behaviors, like self-medicating with alcohol or drugs, emotional eating, gambling or risky sex.^1,3,11

Why Do People Self-Sabotage?

Determining what causes self-sabotaging behavior differs based on the person. However, self-sabotage is usually driven by fear that gives rise to toxic perfectionism or habitual procrastination.⁸ These behaviors drive anxiety, leading people to ruminate about “what-ifs” and worst-case scenarios.⁶ Distorted beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world can compel people to avoid emotional pain like rejection and failure.¹

A harsh inner critic can also cause people to engage in unproductive actions or avoid taking positive action.² Distorted beliefs develop in part from our inherent negativity bias.¹⁷ Our brain vigilantly looks for potential problems to protect us from harm. Therefore, we watch for trouble, hold on to old problems, and imagine new difficulties to stave off physical or emotional damage without fully realizing it.

This sense of danger sometimes stems from childhood trauma, unstable family relationships, or unhealthy attachment patterns. Such experiences can cause fear of abandonment and a diminished sense of safety and security, further contributing to self-sabotaging behaviors.⁷

How to Stop Self-Sabotaging: 8 Tips

Self-sabotage is not an inherent part of your character, nor does it define who you are or erase your strengths and talents. Therefore, replacing self-sabotage with self-advancement is possible. Start simple and gradually add on more methods of self-advancement until your inner critic is no longer preventing you from success and happiness.

Here are eight tips to stop self-sabotaging:

1. Boost Your Self-Awareness

Spend time in self-reflection to increase your self-awareness of your own self-sabotaging.^1,2,3,4,5,7 For example, journal regularly and document your behaviors and thought patterns to see if you can identify where they come from. Pause several times throughout the day to check in with yourself. As you develop insight about yourself, you can become more intentional about where you need to make changes.

2. Look Before You Leap

This old proverb holds wisdom for modern-day self-sabotagers. As you notice negative behaviors, thoughts, and feelings, ask yourself whether these habits are helping you or hurting you. Often, we feel pressured to do something (or avoid doing something) out of fear, so taking a moment to decide if something will hold you back or move you forward can prevent self-sabotage.¹⁰

3. Set Meaningful Goals & Pair Them With an Action Plan

Meaningful goals help you live with intention. Even more powerful, pair meaningful goals with specific actions.^1,3,8,13 Consider your deepest values when setting your goals. What do you want more of in your life? What creates a sense of meaning and purpose? What makes you feel energized and alive? Then, decide what small steps to take toward a goal.

4. Make Small Changes

Positive action beats self-defeating action, but remember that habits are most effectively changed in small steps.^3,4,14 Think in terms of making incremental change. Replace one thought or behavior daily and give yourself time to change a habit.

5. Befriend Yourself

The inner critic is a primary factor underlying self-sabotage. Therefore, replacing automatic, self-critical thoughts with more nurturing ones is crucial in stopping self-sabotage.^3,7,15 Develop a gentle, accepting attitude toward yourself by acknowledging your emotions and past mistakes as part of the human experience.

6. Know & Embrace Your Strengths

Everyone has character strengths that can help them thrive once identified, acknowledged, and embraced. Reflect on your strengths, identifying things you do well, attitudes you hold dear, and positive emotions you experience. When do you feel your best? Knowing your strengths and finding ways to use these strengths—at least once every day can help you develop self-love.¹⁶

7. Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness is a way of life that involves being fully present and grounded in each moment. It helps you separate the past from the present and thoughts from reality.⁷ This, in turn, helps you choose how to respond to a problematic situation or person.

8. Work With a Mental Health Therapist

A therapist can gently guide you toward a deeper self-understanding. They also provide tips and strategies for facing down self-sabotaging thoughts and finding ways to boost your emotional self-care. Find a therapist you feel comfortable with, and begin the process of transforming your life.

Types of therapy for self-sabotage are:

• Behavior and motivational therapy¹
• Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)
• Mindfulness-based therapies
• Strengths-based therapies
• Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT)
• Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT)

When to Seek Professional Help for Self-Sabotage

Working with a mental health professional can help if you are caught in a cycle of self-sabotaging beliefs and behaviors. With the guidance of a therapist, you can uncover the core beliefs leading to self-sabotage and learn tools and strategies to work past them. Consider using an online directory to find the right therapist for you.

Final Thoughts

Self-sabotage is not a character flaw. Rather, it is nothing more than a set of behaviors, usually arising out of fear-based negative beliefs preventing you from achieving your goals in one or more areas. Be patient and reach out for professional help if you feel stuck. The life you envision is within your reach.

For Further Reading

• Best Self-Help Books for Men
• Best Self-Help Books for Women
• How to Love Yourself
• How to Stop Beating Yourself Up: 10 Tips From a Therapist
• Compassion-Focused Therapy: How it Works & What to Expect

Self-Sabotaging Infographics