What Does It Mean to Be Agender?

What Does Agender Mean?

Agender is commonly used to refer to someone who has a “lack of gender” or is gender-neutral. This means the person does not resonate with being male, female, or any other gender. Agender people can be born as any sex and have any sexual orientation. This is because sex versus gender, and sexual orientation are all interrelated, but different.

As mentioned above, agender falls under the non-binary umbrella. This umbrella is used for people who do not experience their gender as solely male or female. Instead, they may experience their gender as a blend of being male, female, both, or neither.

Many people confuse the terms agender and non-binary, genderqueer, and gender-fluid. While a person’s gender should never be assumed and everyone will have a different experience of their own gender, for many there is a difference between these terms. Many people who are non-binary, genderqueer, and gender-fluid resonate with some characteristics of being male or female to some degree, but agender people do not. While people who are agender can be non-binary, not all non-binary people will be agender.

Agender Vs. Gendervoid

Agender refers to “lack of gender”. Gendervoid is used to describe people who do not experience any gender, and instead, feel unable to experience gender or as if there is a void where gender would/should be. While the two sound similar the way each group experiences their gender is different and many agender people do not resonate with being gendervoid.

Agender Vs. Gender Non-conforming

While the two terms of agender and gender non-conforming can overlap they are not the same. Gender non-conforming refers to people who do not follow or feel their gender fits in the traditional categories of male or female. For many gender non-conforming people they are defying the gender norms required of them. Agender people may or may not have this experience.

Agender Vs. Asexual

Agender refers to gender, where asexual refers to someone’s sexual orientation. People who are asexual experience little or no sexual attraction to others or have limited to no desire for sexual contact. But, agender people can be asexual and asexual people can be agender; however, they are not the same and not all agender people will be asexual and vice versa. This is because someone’s experience of gender and sexual orientation are not the same.

What Pronouns Do Agender People Use?

Since pronouns heavily assume and rely on gender, most agender people will choose to use gender neutral pronouns such as they/them, ze/hir/hirs, ze/zir/zirs, etc. This is because these pronouns do not assume or label the person as any gender.

Do I Have to Label My Gender?

The short answer? No! You do not have to label your gender. Labeling gender is going to be a unique and personal experience, which will differ person to person. Some people find that labels help them feel part of a community or describe their experiences more clearly. A label can also help other people learn more about what you are experiencing, but there are plenty of people who feel gender does not need to be labeled and choose not to adopt one. They instead find other ways to describe themselves and share with others that they don’t wish to talk about their gender.

Can Gender Identity Change?

Most people have a gender assigned to them even before they are born and the majority of folks never have any discomfort stemming from this. But, for non-binary and transgender people this can create significant distress. For many people, as they learn more about gender and their own experiences they realize they may not identify as the gender that was provided to them at an early age. They then take steps to align their life with the gender they feel fits best.

For some, they then go on to realize this gender was not the best fit and chose another. For others, their gender is never solidified and instead is fluid; changing by the day, season, mood, etc. Your gender is always your own and even if it changes it is still valid.

How Does Someone Know if They Are Agender?

There isn’t a test you can take to call yourself agender and there aren’t any rules associated with it either. Instead, agender can mean different things to different people, but most agree it is the absence of resonating with gender. People who are agender likely don’t feel that being male, female, or any other gender really suits them.

Below are some tips for determining if you identify as agender:

• Learn about different genders: read articles about gender and watch videos to discover if you identify with a certain gender. Learn about gender vs. sex vs. sexual orientation.
• Connect with others: search for other agender or non-binary people to connect with. Or find resources created by agender people that share their narratives and experiences.
• Call yourself agender: referring to yourself as agender can help you determine if it feels “like it fits”.
• Test the waters: share with a few trusted people your thoughts about being agender and have them use gender neutral pronouns or other non-gendered language for you.
• Break free of the binary: try expressing yourself in a less gendered way or engage in activities despite the gender associated with them. If this feels comfortable for you, gender may not be as important to you as you think.

How to Support an Agender Person

If someone you know is agender or comes out to you, the most important step you can take is to support them. You may not understand their experience or what they are telling you. You may even feel a bit overwhelmed and nervous, but you can still support them.

Below are some ways that you can provide support for an agender person::

• Be an ally: Being an ally is a verb. It means standing up for the person and uniting yourself with them, even when others do not agree.
• Educate yourself: Don’t rely on the person to educate you 100% of the time. Take steps on your own to learn more.
• Use their pronouns: Using someone’s pronouns is a great way for the person to hear and see your support. It can also show your alliance to them firsthand.
• Don’t make assumptions: Be careful you don’t assume what their gender means to them or what pronouns they would like you to use. Always ask and communicate.
• Honor their identity: Honor their gender even if they aren’t around. For example: using their name and pronouns with others and correcting others (if given permission) when they make a mistake.
• Don’t out the person: Clarify who, what, when, and where the person feels comfortable with you using their pronouns or correcting others etc.
• Actively listen: Hear what the person is really saying and convey you are listening through body language and reflections. This means nodding, putting your phone down, and looking directly at the person.

Finding Gender-Affirming Care

Finding gender-affirming care can be costly, time consuming, and difficult. But, having it is life saving. Not only can it help agender people feel more like who they truly are, it can offer support and guidance. Mental healthcare is particularly hard to find, but there are ways to find an LGTBGQ+ therapist and there are LGTBQ+ online therapy options. Companies like Plume and Folx also offer affordable gender affirming hormone therapy and other medical care specifically for transgender people.

In My Experience

Overall, agender folks deserve the same respect, kindness, and understanding you extend to others. In my experience, agender folks become tired when they constantly have to answer personal and invasive questions. Instead, they just want to enjoy their life with friends, family, pets, etc. Having a supportive space, using someone’s correct pronouns, and name may seem simple, but makes a life changing difference.