Betrayal trauma is a type of trauma that refers to the pain and emotional distress that occurs when a trusted institution, loved one, or intimate partner violates someone’s trust. Betrayal trauma may occur alongside things like gaslighting and lead to anxiety and depression. However, therapy and mindfulness can help you to heal from this trauma and move forward to make healthier relationships.
What Is Betrayal Trauma?
Betrayal trauma occurs when a person or an organization that you depend on goes outside your expectation of them in a way that is hurtful to you. The amount of trauma caused has to do with the impact on you. If your car gets rear-ended in traffic, your level of trauma may not be as profound as if you were to find out that your spouse of 20 years has been carrying on an affair with your best friend.
There are many different types of betrayal trauma, including:
- Institutional: When an institution impacts you in a way that is in direct opposition to what they portray themselves to be or their stated mottos and goals. This can also occur when the institution protects the perpetrator instead of supporting the victim or “whistleblower.”
- Parental: When a parent or caretaker, someone you depend on for your needs to be met, abuses you or fails to protect you from harm.
- Interpersonal: When a trusted friend, peer, or individual betrays your trust.
- Intimate Partner: When the person doing the betraying is your intimate partner. This can take place when your partner is having an emotional affair, as well as a physical affair. If one of the partners is in active sexual addiction, there is often betrayal present.
Actions That Often Accompany Betrayal Trauma
If you go to the person who has caused betrayal trauma and tell them that something is wrong or feels “off,” this may be met with gaslighting and/or DARVO, which are both in themselves betrayals.
- Gaslighting: Gaslighting is when someone makes you doubt your senses. It also can take place when a child is punished for being a child.
- DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim Offender): This occurs when you confront someone about how they have hurt you. They deny the behavior, attack you and make themselves out to be the victim of your behavior.
Understanding Betrayal Trauma Theory
Jennifer Freyd, generally acknowledged to be the developer of betrayal trauma theory, describes betrayal trauma as the trauma that results from betrayal by a trusted person or institution.1 Betrayal trauma theory seeks to understand how an individual will interpret that betrayal and store it in his or her memory.
This theory predicts that the more necessary a person or institution is deemed to be in a person’s life, the more likely there will be an “unawareness” or “blindness” to that betrayal. 2 Third party observers are often left wondering, how can they not see what is happening?
In order to cope, the mind of the survivor blocks out the painful information so that it can focus on the more basic needs of survival and attachment. It’s how we can not know what is right in front of our faces. This can explain why a child can have what appears to be a good, healthy relationship with a trusted caregiver who is secretly abusing them. Or why someone stays in an abusive relationship, and makes excuses for their partner.
Signs & Symptoms of Betrayal Trauma
A person can be suffering from betrayal trauma and not yet be aware of the betrayal. That nagging sense that something is off in the relationship, that something isn’t quite right, can be a clue of betrayal trauma.
This is not an all-inclusive list, but some of the signs and symptoms that you may be suffering from betrayal trauma may include:
- Alexithymia: This means that you are unable or find it very difficult to recognize your own emotions and/or describe them.
- Physical symptoms: In his book The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk expounds upon the ideas that the body stores everything and how trauma can have significant physiological impacts on the brain and body. While the mind can blind us to the pain of betrayal, the body remembers. This can manifest in headaches, stomach aches, chronic fatigue, obesity, gastrointestinal issues, sleep issues, laryngitis, a weakened immune system, and so on.3,4
What Are the Long Term Effects of Betrayal Trauma?
Betrayal trauma, like all trauma, can have long term damaging effects on both your psychological and physical health. The mind often has created a dissociation to deal with painful betrayal. This is meant to be a temporary strategy to help you cope through the event until you have the strength and resources to face your pain and heal it. Without proper treatment, the damaging effects may deepen and escalate.
The lasting effects of betrayal trauma may include:3
- Anxiety: This can either manifest as a generalized anxiety or specific fears.
- Depression: When you are unable to recognize and/or express your emotions, depression becomes more likely.
- Increased dissociation: This can lead to living your life, “as in a fog,” vaguely aware of your emotions and feelings, but not really being able to clearly grasp them.
- Repeated betrayals: If you remain blind to your past betrayal(s), you may not see the red flags that are necessary in order to prevent further betrayals.
- Mysterious illnesses: Physical symptoms can escalate into full blown illness and disease. It is not uncommon for a person suffering from betrayal trauma to have illnesses and symptoms that perplex their doctors.
10 Ways to Recover From Betrayal Trauma
When you are suffering from betrayal trauma, trying to imagine your life as bright and happy can seem impossible. It is normal to think that you will never be able to love another person completely again or trust another person so deeply. This does not have to be the case. You can heal, develop better skills to identify safe people, and begin to feel comfortable trusting appropriately again.
While these suggestions can help, If you struggle with more than a couple of these ways to recover, please get the professional help that you need.
Here are 10 ways to help yourself heal after experiencing betrayal trauma:
1. Practice Mindfulness
Mindfulness is about helping us to be more aware of the moment, as experienced in our bodies. Acknowledging whatever we notice, with compassion towards yourself, and no judgment about anything you notice. It’s not about clearing your mind. It’s about noticing what’s happening in your mind, without trying to change it.
Mindfulness teaches us to focus on our experience inside our bodies while increasing our awareness to our surroundings. This is very important, especially when people have also experienced gaslighting and DARVO.
Other elements of mindfulness include grounding exercises. One of my favorites is naming one thing that you are sensing for each of your senses. For example, I see a picture on my wall, I taste the coffee that I am drinking, I hear the music playing in the next room, and so on.. You don’t have to wait until you need it to practice this exercise.
2. Take Care of Your Body
Taking care of your body means giving it the nutrition and care it needs. The body and mind are connected. While taking care of physical health may seem unrelated, it is an essential part of laying the foundation for a healthy mind as well. It has the added benefit of sending yourself a message that you are someone for whom it’s worth making that effort.
Drink plenty of water, eat clean meals with plenty of vegetables, find a form of exercise that you enjoy (which increases endorphins and gets more oxygen to your brain), and practice good sleep habits—make sure you go to bed and wake at the same time everyday, keep your room dark and cool, and abstain from screen time and blue lights at least an hour before bed.
3. Get a Physical
This is an important one. If you’ve experienced sexual betrayal, this becomes even more of a necessity. When infidelity or sex addiction is disclosed or discovered, it is very rare that all the details and facts are disclosed. The offending partner is often too scared to be completely honest. It’s more common for disclosure to come in bits and pieces, each time with the promise that everything is out on the table.
It may be uncomfortable to think about the possibility of having a STD or STI when you have been monogamous with your partner. Despite what assurances are made by your partner, see your doctor or gynecologist to find out for sure.
4. Pamper Yourself
If you happen to be doing all the basics of taking care of your physical body, then take it to the next level. Pamper yourself. Get a massage or manicure. Try some of the various forms of body work, such as reflexology, rolfing, chiropractic, postural integration, and so much more. Not only will you feel better in the moment, but you are also building on your foundation of long-term physical and mental health.
5. Try A Variety of Calming Activities
Mindful exercise and activities, such as martial arts, tai chi, yoga and pilates, can be helpful to calm our nervous system and deepen our connection with our bodies.
Progressive muscle relaxation is beneficial in so many ways. Experimenting with different types of body work can also be helpful.
6. Build Healthy Relationships
No relationship is perfect. People we love will let us down. So what makes a safe relationship and not a dysfunctional one? Basically, in a safe relationship, you feel free to be yourself and not feel judged. If mistakes are made or feelings are hurt, you and the other person can talk about it. When you walk away from the conversation, you feel heard and understood and overall good about yourself.
Make sure that at least the five closest relationships in your life are healthy, safe and supportive. If you have no such relationships in your life, and don’t know how to create healthy relationships with someone, you may need to add this to your goals as you work with a therapist.
7. Set Firm Boundaries
Setting good boundaries is not the same thing as setting limits. It can be very confusing when you are first learning about boundaries. Boundaries are what I am going to do to protect myself when a disrespectful event is taking place. This is part of the reason why boundaries are so hard. I have to change my behavior.
If you are not used to setting boundaries, starting with soft boundaries may be easier. A soft boundary doesn’t involve your voluntary behavior. It informs the other person of what is already taking place. For example, when you come home late without calling, it makes me feel like I’m not important to you. This makes me lose a little more hope in the relationship. I feel like it’s killing my love for you a little at a time.
8. Tell Your Story
When we tell our story to others, we are often telling it to ourselves.5 This can happen in a safe, nurturing environment, such as with a trusted friend or with a therapist, with whom you’ve established a trusting relationship. If we tell our story to an unsafe person, we risk further harm. The ability to become vulnerable is important. If you learn to do it with safe, supportive people, the potential for healing is magnified.
Journaling is a great opportunity to share your story with negative feedback from others. Putting your story (and your thoughts and feelings about it) on paper is a great way to get it out of your head. This process often gives us clarity and perspective. It allows us to tell ourselves the wisdom that we already know, once we can get past the clutter in our mind.
9. Find Your Passion (Or Rediscover an Old One)
What do you enjoy doing simply because you enjoy doing it? Make a list. Think of the things you used to enjoy doing as a child. What are creative or artistic activities that the tiniest part of you might like to try? This is an important addition to your list, especially if you’re one of those people who’s reaction is, Oh, I’m not artistic. As you make your list, try to avoid screen time activities, such as tv shows, social media, video games, etc., and instead focus on creative activities like writing, drawing, or playing an instrument. Look at your list. If you’re like most people, you probably don’t remember the last time you did some of these activities. Set aside 2-3 hours a week to try some of the activities on your list. If you enjoy something, schedule a time to do it again.
10. Commit to Your Own Personal Growth
Once you’ve begun to heal, you will also begin experiencing new growth in your life as you begin practicing new skills. This growth can continue indefinitely, as long as you would like. Post traumatic growth is a term that describes the growth that occurs in response to one’s trauma. It doesn’t happen automatically. It takes a commitment. Make this investment in yourself.
How Therapy Can Help You Recover From Betrayal Trauma
When you’ve been betrayed by someone you trust, it can be difficult to know whom to trust. You may feel that there is no one who would understand or “get it.” Or if someone did, it would just be ammunition to use against you. These kinds of experiences have damaged our ability to clearly see who is trustworthy and who is untrustworthy. A good therapist will help you find balance and learn how to help yourself first so that you can continue to support the people you care for in your life.
Recovering from betrayal trauma is a really difficult process and can take some time to fully heal. Like any other new journey, without proper guidance, it can be frustrating when you get stuck or lost. A trauma-informed therapist will be able to help guide you out of the fog into the clear air.
How to Find a Therapist
Sometimes you will find a therapist that you click with right away. Other times, it takes meeting a few before you find the one that works for you. It’s important that you feel comfortable and safe with your therapist, as you will be working together on some personal things.
This is even more true with trauma. A good trauma therapist doesn’t mind you asking questions or taking your time to trust them. They will know that trust might be a struggle for you and will support you where you’re at, in that process. An online directory will allow you to search for therapists in your area.
Final Thoughts on Betrayal Trauma
It is easy to discount the need to invest in your own healing. If you have experienced significant betrayal, such as sexual betrayal or intimate partner betrayal, you will need the help of a professional to walk with you through your healing journey. Remember that you are gaining guidance and support in your healing process. You don’t need to be fixed, only to heal. It’s worth the investment in your healing, not just for yourself, but for the people in your life that you impact.
