Betrayal Trauma: Signs, Recovery & Getting Help

What Is Betrayal Trauma Theory?

Betrayal trauma theory suggests that children who have experienced betrayal trauma have a tendency to “forget” their traumas to promote their survival.² A child has no choice but to rely on the caregiver for all basic human needs, and according to the theory, forgetting or ignoring the abuse is one way to maintain whatever support is still available from the support person.

Betrayal trauma theory primarily relates to childhood trauma perpetrated by a primary caregiver or support system. However, it can also be applied to traumas across the lifespan, including teenage and adult supportive and intimate relationships. When the level of dependency on the abuser is high, an individual can develop a sense of betrayal trauma and the resulting memory loss regardless of age.

What Causes Betrayal Trauma?

Betrayal trauma can happen in any relationship where there is an expectation of safety and caring in a relationship, and instead, the caregiver causes harm. This can include lying, having an affair, going against one’s stated values, or any other betrayal of trust.

Betrayal trauma can be caused by:

Betrayal by a Parent

Parental betrayal trauma is when a parent or caretaker—someone you depend on for your needs to be met—abuses you or fails to protect you from harm. Individuals with a history of parental betrayal trauma are more likely to have an insecure attachment style due to the inconsistent and unpredictable nature of the relationship with the parent. Adults with a history of attachment trauma tend to be mistrustful, anxious, and submissive in current and future relationships.

Parental betrayal trauma could look like:

• Physical or sexual abuse
• Childhood emotional neglect, such as inconsistent or lack of comforting behaviors
• Broken or unfulfilled promises
• Parental gaslighting
• Manipulative and passive-aggressive communication
• Not believing a child’s claims about abuse or neglect by others

Betrayal by an Intimate Partner

In an intimate relationship, betrayal trauma can happen whenever trust is broken within the partnership. This is often seen in situations where cheating and infidelity occur, but it can also develop from physical or emotional abuse and neglect. Experiencing betrayal from an intimate partner can have devastating effects on the current relationship, and the betrayed partner is likely to develop relationship PTSD.

Intimate partner betrayal trauma could look like:

• Infidelity
• Unwanted controlling behaviors
• Lying about whereabouts, social situations, intentions
• Physical, sexual, or verbal abuse
• Emotional abuse and neglect (e.g., manipulation, gaslighting)
• Choosing sides with others outside of the relationship (e.g., in-laws, friends, employers) 

Betrayal by an Institution

Institutional betrayal trauma occurs when an institution impacts you in a way that is in direct opposition to how it portrays itself or is stated in its mottos and goals. It can also occur when the institution protects a perpetrator rather than a victim or “whistleblower.” Institutions that may be affected include religious or educational institutions, the military, and healthcare systems.

Institutional betrayal trauma could look like:

• Abuse of any kind by an authority figure from the institution
• Disbelief or ignoring claims of abuse within the organization
• Being denied admission or acceptance due to identity
• Inconsistent messaging in marketing or advertising and actions
• Termination of employment due to victimhood
• Protection of perpetrators or morally questionable individuals and behaviors

Betrayal Trauma Symptoms & Impact

Betrayal trauma can cause a range of symptoms that affect emotional, mental, and physical health. These can include intense emotional reactions, confusion, a decrease in self-esteem, and even symptoms of mental health disorders, including depression, anxiety, or PTSD. Betrayal trauma can also affect sleep, cause stress-related physical health symptoms, including headaches or digestive problems, and create issues in future relationships.

Common betrayal trauma symptoms include:

• Emotional numbness: Emotional numbness is a common defense mechanism in which people become numb or detached from their feelings. Individuals who experience betrayal trauma often struggle with alexithymia, which is being unable or finding it very difficult to recognize your own emotions and/or describe them.
• Physical pain: Betrayal trauma symptoms can manifest as headaches, stomach aches, chronic fatigue, obesity, gastrointestinal issues, sleep issues, laryngitis, a weakened immune system, etc.^{3, 4}
• Increased dissociation: Betrayal trauma can often result in a person dissociating, where they feel like they feel like they are in a fog or disconnected from the body. They may be able to be vaguely aware of their emotions and feelings but not able to grasp them clearly.
• Anxiety: Betrayal trauma can result in a person developing a generalized anxiety disorder or specific fears related to the betrayal, like relationship anxiety.
• Depression: Individuals who experience betrayal trauma are at a high risk of developing depression. This can result in symptoms such as losing energy or appetite or difficulty sleeping.
• Low self-esteem: People who have been betrayed often feel that it was somehow their fault or they deserved it, which erodes self-esteem and confidence.
• Post-traumatic stress disorder: Many individuals with a history of betrayal trauma can develop symptoms of PTSD. If the betrayal was severe and frequent, it can cause the person to develop complex PTSD (CPTSD).
• Emotional dysregulation: Due to the unpredictability that is typically present in betrayal trauma situations, a person can lose some of their ability to regulate their emotional state. Emotional dysregulation often looks like mood swings, crying spells, irritability, or depressive symptoms.
• Fawning: Individuals who have experienced betrayal trauma may struggle with fawning because they have learned to appease others as a way to prevent further harm and maintain a sense of safety. Fawning can become deeply ingrained, making it difficult for them to assert their own needs and boundaries in relationships.
• Substance abuse: Using substances is an immediate way to avoid, ignore, or cope with unsettling feelings. Substance abuse behaviors are a common way to manage the intense discomfort experienced in a betrayal trauma situation.

In addition to the symptoms above, a person who experiences intimate partner betrayal trauma will likely develop long-lasting interpersonal issues that can impact future relationships in a negative way. Issues can include relationship anxiety or trust issues. They also may start to dislike being intimate or develop a sexual disorder. Additionally, they may begin to isolate from their loved ones because they fear another betrayal.

How Does Betrayal Trauma Change a Person?

Betrayal trauma, like all trauma, can have long-term damaging effects on your psychological and physical health. The mind often dissociates to deal with painful betrayal. This is meant to be a temporary strategy to help you cope until you have the strength and resources to face your pain and heal. Without proper treatment, the damaging effects may deepen and escalate, leading to other problems like hyper-independence because of the trauma and trust issues.

9 Tips for Betrayal Trauma Recovery

If you’re suffering from betrayal trauma, it’s normal to think that you will never be able to love or trust another person again; however, this does not have to be the case. You can heal from trauma, develop better skills to identify safe people, and begin to feel comfortable trusting again.

Here are nine tips and some worksheets for healing from betrayal trauma:

1. Acknowledge the Trauma

The first step to healing from betrayal trauma is to stop avoiding what occurred and face it head-on. Acknowledging the trauma does not mean that you are okay with what happened, but it does mean that you are willing to accept the reality of the situation and the way that the betrayal has impacted your life. This allows you to begin to process the trauma. Acceptance is challenging, but it’s a necessary part of moving forward in a healthy way.

2. Take Care of Your Body

The body and mind are connected, and betrayal trauma can often be stored in the body. Taking care of your physical health can help release trauma from the body and, therefore, lays the foundation for a healthy mind. You also send yourself the message you are worth the effort and important.

Here are some basic ways to take care of your body:

• Drink plenty of water
• Eat nourishing meals
• Stay physically active
• Practice good sleep hygiene and habits

If you’re doing all the basics of taking care of your physical body, then take the types of self-care you practice to the next level. Pamper yourself. Get a massage or manicure. Try whatever activity that brings you peace, joy, or stability. You will feel better while building the foundation for long-term physical and mental health.

Free Self-Care for Trauma Worksheet

This worksheet is designed to help you practice a variety of self-care activities that can decrease the impact of your trauma.

Download

3. Focus on Your Healthy Relationships

It’s important to surround yourself with trustworthy, supportive people. These relationships can provide you with a foundation for beginning to trust again and can give you an outlet for fun and socializing. If you are struggling to determine whether a relationship is healthy, ask yourself the following: Do I feel free to be myself when I am with this person? If one of us makes a mistake and feels hurt, can I talk about it with this person? Do I walk away from conversations feeling heard and understood?

4. Learn to Set Boundaries

Setting healthy boundaries allows you to maintain your own well-being and prioritize your needs. Boundaries are important in all types of relationships, including at work and with family. A boundary is simply communicating what you are and are not okay with. These limits are different for each person, so it’s up to you to identify and communicate them.

If you are not used to setting boundaries, start with soft boundaries. Unlike hard boundaries, which are non-negotiable, soft boundaries are more like guidelines or preferences. For example, something like, “If you are going to come home late, I prefer for you to call me. When you don’t call, it makes me feel like I’m not important to you. This makes me lose a little more hope in the relationship.”

How to Set Boundaries - Free Worksheet

Setting boundaries allows you to communicate more effectively, protect your well-being, and build stronger relationships.

Download

5. Try Activities That Calm Your Nervous System

Betrayal trauma causes your body to go into a state of hypervigilance, where your internal fire alarm for danger is constantly going off. It is important to spend time doing things that can calm your nervous system and get out of survival mode.

Calming and relaxing activities like trauma-informed yoga, painting, or listening to soothing music can regulate your nervous system. Mindfulness is another great way to calm your nervous system. Mindfulness is about becoming more aware of your body in the present moment rather than ruminating about the past or worrying about the future.

6. Tell Your Story

Being vulnerable is difficult, but if you vulnerably share your story with the right people, there is a lot of potential for healing. Consider sharing your experience in a safe, nurturing environment, such as with a good friend or therapist. Journaling about your trauma is another option for expressing yourself without any feedback. Putting your thoughts and feelings on paper gets you out of your head, providing clarity and perspective.

7. Find Your Passion (Or Rediscover an Old One)

When you experience betrayal trauma, you can feel like your whole world is turned upside down, and you no longer know who you are. It is important to invest in your interests to remind yourself that you are so much more to you than the betrayal that occurred.

Make a list of things you enjoy. What did you enjoy doing as a child? What creative or artistic activities does even the smallest part of you want to try? For example, writing, drawing, or playing an instrument can be wholesome, healing outlets. Set aside  2-3 hours a week to explore your list and revisit activities you find rejuvenating.

8. Talk to a Trauma-Informed Therapist

Recovering from betrayal trauma is a really difficult process and can take some time to fully heal. Like any other new journey, without proper guidance, it can be frustrating when you get stuck or lost. A trauma-informed therapist will be able to help guide you out of the fog into the clear air.

A good therapist can help you to develop coping skills for all of the betrayal trauma symptoms you are struggling with, such as feelings of helplessness and anxiety. They will also help you to develop boundaries and create healthy relationships.

It’s important to feel comfortable and safe with your therapist. This is even more true with trauma. A good trauma therapist will know that trust might be a struggle for you and will support you wherever you are in that process.

9. Commit to Your Own Personal Growth

Practicing all of these new skills opens you up to the opportunity of experiencing post-traumatic growth. Post-traumatic growth doesn’t happen automatically, though. It takes commitment and investment in yourself.

Commitment to personal growth includes actively seeking out opportunities to take care of yourself, try new things, develop new skills, and grow mentally and emotionally. This can include setting goals for the future and tracking your progress along the way. Regular self-reflection activities, such as meditation and journaling, can help you gain more insight into yourself and your relationships.

SMART Goals Worksheet for PTSD

SMART Goals is a structured goal-setting method that helps individuals create clear, actionable objectives. This method is particularly helpful for people with PTSD as it helps provide structure and clarity, which can reduce feelings of overwhelm.

Download Free Worksheet

How to Find Professional Support

An online therapist directory such as Grow Therapy is a great way to find a trauma therapist. It offers many detailed filters, so you can get very specific about the type of therapy you want, where the therapist is located, and what insurance they take. If you prefer to see a therapist remotely, BetterHelp or Talkspace can provide you with a therapist who specializes in trauma. Remember, sometimes you will find the right therapist that you click with right away. Other times, it takes meeting a few before you find the one that works for you.