Boring Sex: Causes & How to Fix It

What Is Boring Sex?

Boring sex means different things to different people. Sometimes, it means you are bored with your partner or sexual activities. Sometimes, it is indicative of deeper problems within your relationship or general issues with sexual compatibility. Research shows us there has been a long-standing belief in popular psychology that sexlessness is symptomatic of long-term relationship problems.¹ The definition of “boring sex” can differ for everyone, but for many people, boring sex means you find your sex life unsatisfying, uninteresting, and unexciting. For some, sex can be boring when they don’t get enough physical stimulation or regular orgasms.

Once you identify what boring sex means, the next question is what to do about it. At the beginning of a relationship or with a new partner, the sex is usually incredible. You can’t get enough of each other. However, it can start to feel like having sex is more of a chore than a source of sensual pleasure or intimate connection. This is the realization that you might have a boring sex life.

Causes of Sexual Boredom

Passion and sexual satisfaction typically diminish in longer-term relationships, but this decline is not inevitable.² There are many valid reasons why the spark may be gone from the bedroom or you begin to feel as though you are sexually incompatible. The most common reasons for this decline include a lack of time, medical conditions, or family obligations.

Common reasons why sex gets boring include:

Lack of Novelty

Sexual boredom could happen to anyone, especially if you are in a monogamous or long-term relationship. The sexual routine that worked so well at another time isn’t doing the job these days. Maybe you long to recapture that new relationship energy or the hot passion of days gone by. Those feelings might tell you to spice up your sex life! Do something different–anything different. Novelty can be a powerful turn-on. It can reconnect you and your partner.

Start by having a respectful conversation between you and your partner. If the changes in your sex life hurt you, it’s essential to let your partner know. Openly expressing your feelings can allow your partner to make positive changes. There are many things you can do to spice up your sex life. Adding a “naughty” element to sex can increase arousal. Try role-playing, incorporating sexual toys, new positions, bringing in new partners, or having sex in ways or places that might be new to you. Talk to your partner if these sound intriguing to you!

Stress & Life Changes

We all recognize that stress and life transitions can affect physical and mental health. You probably won’t be surprised to learn that these stresses could negatively impact your sex life. It can lower your libido or make it more challenging to reach orgasm. Stress is often unavoidable–how can we reduce the influence on our arousal, preferred sexual behaviors, and even communication around sex?

Research shows how life changes and stresses affect marital satisfaction.⁶ It might mean spending less time together, less effective communication, increased risk of mental health and physical problems, and an overall withdrawal from the relationship. These, in turn, might lead individuals to fall back on familiar or routine sexual practices that feel boring to one or both partners.

Lack of Time

We live in a busy time where “hustle culture” is the norm. We might spend much time at our jobs, pursuing hobbies, or trying to make ends meet. While those habits might help create the life we want, it doesn’t always give us much time to focus on our partner and sexual lives.

You can start a conversation with your partner to help address this concern. It allows you to use a nonjudgmental approach and language that conveys respect and an attempt to solve the problem. Try committing some time to spend together and see if that helps!

Mental Health Concerns

Mental health concerns like ADHD, depression, or anxiety can change how an individual experiences sexual activity. Cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) can support couples experiencing sexual difficulties due to depression or anxiety.³ “It is well known that depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety disorders, or even psychosis include symptoms affecting sexual life, such as impaired desire, arousal, or sexual satisfaction that inevitably need to be properly identified and addressed.”⁷ The combined field of mental health and sexuality is one we need to delve into more deeply. Still, we do know that mental health concerns can negatively impact sexual needs and sexual behavior.

Medical Concerns

Many physical and/or medical conditions can also cause problems with sexual function, including diabetes, cardiovascular disease, neurological disorders, hormonal imbalances, chronic diseases such as kidney or liver failure, alcohol use disorder, and substance use disorder.

In addition, the side effects of some medications, including some antidepressant drugs, can affect sexual function.⁴ Be sure to check with your doctor about possible physical or medical reasons for sexual changes or concerns.

Underlying Relationship Issues

Sometimes, boring sex indicates that other things might be off in your relationship. Some couples don’t feel that deep emotional connection of sexual activities due to many potential relationship or sexual issues. Over time, these reasons could worsen if not discussed. This leaves one or both individuals unsatisfied with what they think is boring sex. Sexual dissatisfaction can mask unresolved conflict between partners. These conflicts can include power struggles, lingering resentments, low libido (for many reasons), or feeling insecure within the relationship.

Family Obligations

You may have children who demand your time and attention or other family members who need help, support, or money. These obligations can kill romance like nothing else can! Prioritizing your intimate time within a relationship and for your satisfaction is essential. This includes making sure you (or you and your partner) can engage in whatever gets you in the mood for a sexy time. Don’t forget about fantasizing or trying something new.

What to Do if Sex With Your Partner Is Getting Boring

Sex between partners provides both physical and emotional intimacy. It’s not just in your mind. Sex triggers the release of oxytocin, a hormone that fosters bonding and trust. Research suggests that higher oxytocin levels bring you closer to your partner and solidify the emotional bond between partners.

Sometimes, we fall into the trap of prioritizing our sexual needs, often at the cost of our partner’s needs or mutual sexual relationship. It would stand to reason when both people in a relationship always place their sexual needs first and tend to be less satisfied with their sexual relationships, as do their partners. The most sexually happy couples find ways to support their wants while supporting their partner. If you’re dissatisfied with your sex life, you can do plenty of things to be a better lover and bring excitement back into the bedroom.

Here are six ways to fix boring sex:

1. Communicate With Your Partner

If your sex life has become boring, the first and most crucial step is an open, honest discussion with your partner. Communication is an essential part of having safe and fun sex. It’s important to approach the conversation from a nonjudgmental point of view. If the changes in your sex life hurt you, it’s essential to let your partner know. Expressing your feelings can give your partner a chance to make positive changes. Many factors contribute to sexual satisfaction, and discussing your likes, dislikes, and passions can help your partner better satisfy you.

If the changes in your sex life are due to a medical issue, showing your support can make a world of difference to your partner.

2. Try Something New

Trying something new doesn’t mean you must become a swinger or have an open relationship! Our erotic brains like novelty and spice of all kinds. Any unique experience you share with your partner will release dopamine in your brain, creating the pleasure of experiencing something new. Taking a trip is one of the best ways to make novelty. Another easy way is to do something new together.

It can be very sexy to step out of your comfort zone. You can also apply the rule of novelty to your lovemaking. If you find yourself in a rut, focus on shaking things up by trying new activities, tapping into various erotic energies, and never doing it the same way twice in a row. Even small changes can make a big difference in how you feel about the sex you are having.

3. Use Sensate Focus

Sensate focus therapy was developed by Dr. William H. Masters and Virginia E. Johnson in the 1960s and designed to foster intimacy. Sensate focus is used to improve intimacy and communication between partners around sex, reduce sexual performance anxiety, and shift away from ingrained, goal-oriented sexual patterns that may not be serving a couple.⁸

The exercise prioritizes the sensory aspects of touch, like temperature, texture, and pressure.

Sensate focus allows the couple to relax and be mindful of the sensual touching experience without being weighed down by preconceived ideas of what “should” happen. A sex therapist may recommend sensate focus to couples who want to address sexual problems, including boredom.

4. Pay Attention During Sex

Several studies have demonstrated the importance of engagement in facilitating physical and subjective sexual arousal. Couples can practice being present during sex by limiting distractions and focusing on the physical sensations of the experience.⁸ By the way, it never hurts to be present during other times when you are connecting with your partner.

You can focus your energy and time on your partner and your relationship. In that case, you will feel the connection benefits in all elements of your intimacy! Sometimes, we are so busy that connecting with the people we care about is hard. Not surprisingly, this can lead to actual or imagined distance in your relationships.

5. Embrace Sex Positivity

You may have heard references to being sex-positive or the sex-positivity movement in popular culture. While the definition of sex-positivity may vary from individual to individual, sex-positivity generally refers to having a positive attitude about sex, respecting others’ sexual preferences and consensual sexual practices, and treating sex as a normal, healthy part of life rather than a taboo topic or something to be ashamed of.⁸ This attitude can open you up to new sexual experiences and could be significant in resolving your sexual boredom.

6. Incorporate Novelty into Your Sex Life

In line with embracing sex positivity is introducing novel elements into sexual interactions. Novelty is, by definition, the ultimate remedy for boredom. Experimenting with role-playing, sex toys, new positions, new sexual activities, or even a new location can bring a refreshing, fresh quality to sex that once felt monotonous or overly rehearsed.

When to Seek Professional Help for Boring Sex

How can a sex therapist help with boring sex issues? If you’re on the fence about sex therapy, consider how your sex life is now versus how you want it to be. Suppose specific problems are getting in the way of the sex life you would like to have. In that case, sex therapy can likely help you address them and make appropriate changes to move forward.

Conventional sex education teaches us what to avoid rather than focusing on what to include. Enter sex therapy! As the name implies, sex therapy is like talk therapy but explicitly (not necessarily exclusively) focuses on sex and can consist of a component of “education.” Sex therapy can be helpful for anyone looking to overcome sexual shame or reconnect with their partner(s). You can likely find a sex therapist in your community, using an online therapist directory, or by looking for online counseling platforms for virtual therapy.

In My Experience

In my experience, individuals and relationships go through periods of growth and regression. A relationship that starts sexually satisfying may evolve into something chore or obligation-oriented; a relationship that feels casual can become more intimate over time. Listen to your instincts; converse with your partner if you believe something is wrong.

A passionless rut, while unpleasant, is a common experience in long-term relationships. Does it have to be? Interestingly, sexual satisfaction and maintenance of passion were higher among people who had sex most frequently, received more oral sex, had more consistent orgasms, and incorporated more variety of sexual acts, mood setting, and sexual communication.² Bottom line: Your sexual life is yours to enjoy, enhance, or change.