Signs of Sexual Incompatibility & What To Do About It

What Is Sexual Incompatibility?

Sexual incompatibility is the term used to describe when two partners have different sexual needs. Each partner may enjoy different types of foreplay, fantasies, intensity, or frequency of sex. A sexually incompatible couple has a lack of sexual understanding between them, which leads to dissatisfaction. Sex is important for most relationships. Studies show a decrease in relationship satisfaction if one or more partners feel sexually incompatible.¹

If you struggle to feel connected or on the same page with your partner sexually, you could be dealing with sexual incompatibility. Even though sexual incompatibility can cause significant issues within a relationship, it doesn’t mean the couple must part ways or don’t love each other.

Is Sexual Incompatibility a Relationship Deal Breaker?

Though sexual incompatibility poses its challenges, it by no means has to be a deal breaker. Often, underlying issues lead to the couple’s inability to connect on a sexual level. If a couple is willing to address the issues, communicate about them, and potentially seek outside support, there is room to learn how to bridge the gap and meet each other’s sexual desires.

Deciding to end a relationship based on sexual incompatibility is personal and based on each individual. It requires careful consideration and can take time. However, if you’re stuck in the same cycle, and there isn’t a willingness to work together to increase the sexual connection, affecting your ability to enjoy other areas of the relationship, then it might be time to consider moving on.

What Makes a Husband & Wife Sexually Incompatible?

Sexual incompatibility can affect all types of relationships, even a husband and wife. If one partner has a higher libido than the other, it can create friction and a sense of rejection. Partners can experience sexual arousal at different times throughout the day, not allowing for the timing of each other’s needs to be met. Sexual libido often changes, impacting sexual compatibility later in the relationship. If partners haven’t explored their sexual desires or needs early on in the relationship, these can become issues discovered later in marriage.

Other factors that can impact sexual compatibility within marriage are having different kinks, a lack of trust that inhibits sexual vulnerability or emotional connection, and whether there are any physical health conditions such as sexual dysfunction or chronic illness.

When to Seek Sexual Fulfillment Outside of Marriage

If your marriage is feeling sexually unsatisfying and causing conflict and sexual frustration, you may wonder whether it is time to call it quits and look into other options. Due to these struggles, polyamory and open relationships are considered more frequently among couples. The research doesn’t clearly show if one offers more relationship satisfaction than the other. However, based on what research there is, open relationships can support individuals in meeting important sexual needs outside of the core relationship.²

A couple might consider consensual non-monogamy instead of separation or divorce if they meet each other’s emotional and mental needs outside of sexual intimacy. If they enjoy each other’s company, have similar interests, and believe they can maintain a healthy relationship while allowing each other to explore different sexual options, an open relationship may be the answer to sexual incompatibility issues.

8 Ways To Overcome Sexual Incompatibility

Once you have addressed the issue and explored what is blocking you and your partner from increasing sexual compatibility, you can begin to take action and create change. If you are both willing and have created a safe space to be vulnerable to your needs and embrace them with curiosity, you can discover what works for both of you as a couple.

Here are eight ways to overcome sexual incompatibility:

1. Reconcile Incompatible Sex Drives

It can be common to hear couples talk about their partner wanting sex too much or too little. It is very common for individuals to experience different sexual accelerators and brakes. Some people also experience an increase in sex drive when stressed, while others want nothing to do with it. Both experiences are normal.

If you find yourself in one of those situations, you might feel rejected and insecure or frustrated and shut down. Whatever your experience, it doesn’t have to stay that way.

Here are some things to help cope with sexual frustration:

• Find a compromise for sex frequency: Discuss each other’s preferences and find a compromise. It’s important to understand what drives a person’s desire or what slams on the brakes so you can be flexible in understanding if there are times when the agreed-upon frequency might need to be adjusted.
• Put sex on the schedule: Prioritize sexual connection by adding it to the calendar. This also lets you plan accordingly by pruning yourself or getting extra rest. By planning it, you can also pick days when you both know you’ll have less work or stress.
• Spend more non-sexual time together: Connect outside of sex. Find mutual hobbies, have fun together, build trust, and get to know each other. Improving the emotional aspects of the relationship increases sexual satisfaction.
• Communicate: If something is bothering you, share it with your partner and allow them to support you and work together as a team.

2. Try New Things

If you feel something is missing or you’re experiencing sexual frustration, check in with your partner. The more open you are about the struggles, the easier it is to work through the underlying issues and find effective solutions that both can be satisfied with.

Try stepping out of your comfort zone and exploring new things. Discover different ways to incorporate sexual intimacy and physical intimacy into the relationship. Read different books, research, and look up different positions that you and your partner may be interested in. Work to explore each other’s bodies and communicate whether something feels good. The more you and your partner can explore your sexuality, the more comfortable and familiar you will become. This, in turn, can increase the sexual compatibility within the relationship.

3. Stay Open-Minded

Go into different discussions and experiences with an open, curious mind. Give your partner’s ideas and desires a chance before counting them out. You may surprise yourself and enjoy having sex in the outside shower or that position they have been begging to try.

It’s also important to be open to compromise and flexibility. If your partner has a high sex drive, consider agreeing on a schedule that you know works for both of you and give them the freedom to honor their needs and masturbate, maybe even lend a hand. If your partner is the opposite and struggles to have the desire to engage in sex as much as you’d like, consider the above options for yourself. And above all, communicate your desires and emotions with your partner!

4. Consider Couples Counseling

If you are struggling within your relationship and don’t feel like you and your partner can see eye to eye or freely communicate about the issues, consider couples counseling. Having an unbiased person to turn to with questions and concerns can be helpful. They can guide you in addressing any barriers coming up that are impacting your ability to connect sexually.

5. Rule Out Medical Complications

If you find yourself avoiding sex or not enjoying it because you are experiencing pain, issues with becoming erect, low libido, or any other concerns that seem confusing, schedule an appointment with a doctor. There might be an underlying medical issue. If this is the case, the more you know about it, the more you can accommodate yourself and identify ways to enhance sex within the relationship.

Even though these experiences aren’t uncommon, there can be a lot of shame around this, especially if it has impacted your relationships. It’s important to be open with your partner; if your partner has medical issues, it is important to be supportive and validate their experience.

6. Throw Pressure Out the Door

If you or your partner experience a low sex drive or mismatched desire, the pressure to meet expectations or to suppress the need can deteriorate a relationship. To avoid this, it is important to communicate the needs and boundaries and how those expectations can be honored.

Sex isn’t solely vaginal-penile intercourse, there are plenty of other ways to reach orgasm, including non-penetrative sex and outercourse. Consider alternatives that you and your partner can agree on. A few examples are co-masturbation, foreplay, and masturbation. These options allow all needs and boundaries to be met without either partner feeling shamed or blamed.

7. Commitment

Each partner needs to be committed to working towards sexual compatibility, including having a willingness to try and communicate their insecurities, their desires, and what sex means to them. Each partner must be willing to put different techniques into practice to see what works and are willing to try again and make adjustments along the way.

To increase sexual satisfaction within the relationship, everyone needs to be on the same page. If not, the partner that finds themselves putting in all of the effort with little outcome or response from their partner will eventually give up, feel resentful, or both. Ultimately leading to an unhappy relationship.

8. Look Inward

If you believe you have tried everything to no avail, it might be time for both of you to begin doing your work to see if something is coming individually that might be blocking you from successfully moving forward.

Consider individual therapy if you’re struggling with emotional blockers or being reminded of past traumas or negative experiences, primarily if related to sex or partner abuse. Even messages taught about sex and our bodies from schools, caretakers, churches, and so forth can impact our ability to feel comfortable and safe to interact sexually with our partners. These are all things that can be addressed with a therapist. It can be a very freeing and healing process.

When to Seek Professional Help for Sexual Incompatibility

If you’re in a rut, feeling frustrated sexually, and you love your partner and want to work through the issues at hand, it may be time to consider sex therapy to learn to communicate and safely explore sexuality with your partner. You’ll have a trained clinician by your side to provide guidance and to turn to if things feel overwhelming and challenging.

If you’re having any concerns with performance, orgasm, or anxiety, seek support. These are common issues, and a clinician specializing in sex therapy can help. Online marriage or couples counseling is always an option and can add comfort and accessibility.

In My Experience

In my experience, sexual incompatibility issues aren’t uncommon, and many couples go through very similar situations. If you’re finding that your sex life isn’t satisfying or you’re feeling any form of distress around sex, explore this with your partner. Communicate with them and consider seeking professional support.