How to Stop Being an Approval Addict

What Is an Approval Addiction?

An approval addiction involves relying on the approval of others for self-esteem and self-worth. Much like a people pleaser, approval addicts fear rejection, judgment, or disapproval from others to the point that they try to avoid rocking the boat at all costs. If you are addicted to approval, what others think of you is often more important than your own needs.

An approval addict is not just an agreeable person. While many people are kind, easy-going and agreeable, people with healthy self-esteem still know themselves and are in touch with their own values, wants and needs. They just may not have a strong opinion one way or another. Approval addicts, on the other hand, are primarily concerned with other’s opinions of them and will stifle their own needs and opinions in order to gain or keep the approval of others.

Signs of Approval Seeking Behavior

If you think you may be an approval addict, here are some signs to look out for. Ultimately, if you are addicted to approval you will base your self-worth on others opinions and not on your own core sense of self. You will worry excessively about what others think of you and whether you have done anything to upset them. This can often leave you feeling confused, insecure, lonely or anxious.

Here are 10 signs you’re an approval addict:

1. You Struggle to Form Your Own Opinions

You often freeze up or feel anxious when someone asks your opinion, because you don’t want to risk upsetting or offending people. You may not even know what you think, because you are so focused on pleasing others. Instead of looking inward and asking yourself what you really think or want, you try to figure out what others want you to say in order to be liked.

2. You Have Trouble Saying No

When you are an approval addict, saying no can feel terrifying. You find it to be easier to say yes to things you don’t want to do, rather than face the fear of someone being mad at you.

3. You Go Along to Get Along

Approval addiction can cause you to go along with whatever others want, even if it doesn’t work for you. You would rather go along with almost anything than rock the boat! This can put you in unpleasant, risky, or even dangerous situations.

4. You Apologize Too Much

When you are an approval addict, you are always apologizing, even when you have done nothing wrong. You are so preoccupied with the idea of offending someone that you might even apologize when you bump into the doorframe or a piece of furniture. Sound familiar?

5. You Have Low Self-Esteem

Approval addicts depend on their esteem from others, and often do not have their own inner sense of self-worth, resulting in low self-esteem. When others are mad at you or disapprove, this can feel devastating if you are an approval addict because it feels like your value is at risk.

6. You Constantly Put Others’ Needs Above Your Own

The most important thing to you is that others are happy and don’t think negatively of you, so you will ignore or minimize your own needs so that theirs can be met.

7. You Feel Anxious About What Other People Think of You

You might find yourself worrying or even obsessing about what others think of you, whether they are mad at you or whether you fit in. If this is severe enough that it impacts your mental health, your ability to function in your life or in your relationships, this could be a sign of an anxiety disorder or OCD.¹

8. You Attempt to Control Others

This may be surprising, as you may not think of yourself as controlling. However, approval addicts will often try to control others’ thoughts and emotions in order to gain approval. This is one of the four core elements of being codependent, which is closely linked with approval addiction.²

9. You Try to Present Yourself in the Best Possible Light

When you are an approval addict, you tend to only disclose things about yourself that you feel will be viewed positively. You try to hide or minimize things about you that you fear others may judge negatively or not like.³

10. You Are Terrified of Rejection

People who are addicted to approval tend to rely on others’ opinions for their self-worth, so being rejected is one of the scariest things that can happen. Learning how to deal with rejection is difficult, but necessary if you want to stop being an approval addict.

How to Stop Seeking Approval

If you are an approval addict, there is a good chance this is causing problems in your relationships and harming your mental and emotional health. When you depend on the approval of others for your self-worth, this is a losing proposition. There are always going to be times that people disagree, even in the best relationships. This is a normal, healthy part of life. The good news is, there are things you can do to change this pattern!

Healing from being addicted to approval will improve your relationships, your mood and your peace of mind. The best part is, you’ll be able to rely on yourself for your self-worth and learn to love yourself even when others don’t approve of you.

Here are six tips to help you get started on the path toward letting go of needing approval and developing a healthy self-esteem:

1. Try Assertiveness Training

Assertive skills training can help you express your wants and needs in a way that is clear, direct, and yet respectful of others feelings. Assertive communication is not the same as aggressive communication, which can be hurtful. Assertive communication is all about expressing your needs in a way that is still considerate and kind.

2. Learn to Set Healthy Boundaries

A boundary simply states what you are OK with and what you are not OK with. It’s good to stand up for yourself, set healthy boundaries and learn to say no. Saying no and standing up for yourself is liberating!

3. Seek Approval From Yourself First

Seek alignment with your own values, beliefs, and principles rather than the opinions of others. This will require you to spend some time thinking, journaling, and reflecting on what matters most to you.⁴

4. Limit Social Media Exposure

Studies show a link between seeking approval from others, low self-esteem, and social media addiction. Social media use can trigger a cycle of continuously seeking out approval online and self-doubt that can impact impact self-esteem. If you struggle with approval addiction, it might be a good idea to limit your internet use or take a break from social media for a while.⁵

5. Think About What YOU Want

Approval addiction can put you in the unhealthy pattern of trying to make relationships work, even if they aren’t what’s best for you. The need for approval and the fear of rejection is so great that you would rather stay in a toxic situation than risk being alone. Take a step back from the situation and think about what you need, not just what you think the other person needs.

6. Learn to Love Yourself

Ultimately, learning to know, love, and prioritize yourself is what is going to help you break free of approval addiction. Cognitive behavioral therapy, journaling, affirmations, and treatment for past traumas are all ways to nurture self-love.

How a Therapist Can Help With Approval Addiction

Therapy can help a person who wants to stop obsessively needing approval by allowing them recognize and break old patterns of interacting with others. Therapy can address painful family of origin relationships, help you heal from childhood trauma and abandonment, and change negative thought patterns about self-worth. For help finding a therapist, an online therapist directory is a great place to start.

Final Thoughts

Approval addiction is hard to overcome, but there are ways to move forward. You deserve to give yourself the approval that you so desperately seek from others. With help, you can break those old thought patterns and learn to love yourself, which will improve not only your relationships but your life.