Contempt in a relationship will often show itself as sarcasm, eye-rolling, sneering, mocking, cynicism, name-calling, and/or mean humor – which conveys disgust with your partner.1 It is toxic to the foundations of a relationship. Contempt makes relationship repair and reconciliation challenging and leads to further conflict and disconnection.
What Is Contempt in a Relationship?
Contempt in a relationship refers to a feeling of disdain or disgust for your partner as a person. It’s toxic and causes a heavy emotional, psychological, and physical toll on the receiving partner. Contempt is very different from a complaint about your partner’s actions. Contempt takes it a step further, and you explain the criticism by attributing it to the partner’s inherent unworthiness.
Here are some examples of the difference between the two:
Your partner said they would pay bills this month but didn’t get to it, and now you are facing high-interest charges:
- Contempt: “You never follow through. I can never count on you to do what you say you will do.”
- Complaint: “When you said you were going to pay the bills and then I found out they hadn’t been paid and we are being charged interest, it causes me a lot of stress.”
You are having company coming for supper. Your home needs to be cleaned and food needs to be prepared. Your partner goes to the gym for 2 hours before your company arrives, and you have to do all the work on your own.
- Contempt: “I can’t believe how selfish you are! What is wrong with you? Why would you take off when we have so much to do, and leave me to do everything?!”
- Complaint: “I understand that going to the gym is important to you. It’s the timing that I am upset about. We have company coming, and I expected that we would work together to get things done.”
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
Gottman identified four factors he called “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” that have been found to predict divorce.1 When the “horsemen” show up in a relationship, there is an increased likelihood of divorce.
The four factors include:
1. Criticism
While there will always be some complaints about the person you live with, there’s a big difference between criticism and complaints. A complaint focuses on a specific action but a criticism is more global and adds negative comments about your partner’s personality or character. It is an attack on who they are. Over time, an attitude of criticism can lead to a negative view of your partner and fuel contempt for them.
2. Contempt
Contempt is the worst of the four horsemen and involves sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, sneering, eye-rolling, and mockery. It’s a result of having negative thoughts about your partner for a long period. If contempt in the relationship is present, it takes a lot of work to resolve relationship issues and reconcile because your partner can tell you’re disgusted with him or her. Contempt leads to more conflict. Criticism and contempt work together to poison the foundations of a relationship.
3. Defensiveness
When contempt is present in a relationship, it’s only natural that the partner experiencing the name-calling and mockery becomes defensive. Unfortunately, the attacking spouse rarely backs down or apologizes and now both partners in the relationship are blaming each other. Becoming defensive escalates the conflict.
4. Stonewalling
In relationships with criticism, contempt, and defensiveness – eventually, stonewalling occurs when one partner tunes out and avoids the marriage and the partner and becomes a “stone waller”. Instead of responding in a conversation with nods or eye-contact or acknowledging what’s being said, a stone waller looks away and sits like an impassive stone wall without providing a reaction.
Why Is Contempt in Relationships so Dangerous?
Contempt is dangerous in a relationship because it destroys the foundations of respect, fondness, and admiration that are essential in healthy and enduring relationships.1 Contempt pits you and your partner against each other. It creates an adversarial relationship that elevates conflict and weakens your bond.
Over the longer term, contempt in a relationship is typically followed by defensiveness and stonewalling. The partner who feels personally attacked by contempt will often become defensive, creating distance and conflict escalation. Stonewalling or shutting down can be deliberate or subconscious ways of protecting against overwhelming negative emotional and physical experiences that occur as a result of experiencing contempt from your partner.
On another note, couples whose relationships are characterized by contempt are significantly more likely to experience more infectious illnesses such as influenza, colds, etc.1 Thus, there are longer-term health impacts of exposure to contempt in relationships.
Signs Contempt Is Ruining Your Relationship
Some signs that indicate contempt is ruining your relationship are that you no longer feel fondness, admiration, and respect toward your partner. You no longer enjoy their company or value their opinion. Your relationship is adversarial. Your partner no longer feels like a friend and ally.
Examples of contempt in a relationship include:
You Don’t Respect Each Other
You and your partner are no longer treating each other respectfully (verbally and/or non-verbally). You do not give each other the benefit of the doubt and lean toward negative interpretations of your partner’s intentions and behaviors. There is a loss of trust and admiration, and appreciation for each other as individuals.
You Compete With Your Partner
Instead of seeing your partner as an ally, you view them as a competitor. You and your partner vie for power and try to outdo each other in one or more areas of your lives (e.g., work, family, finances, etc.) Instead of celebrating each other’s success as a win for your relationship, you are more likely to resent, minimize, and/or ignore them.
Criticism & Correction Over Discussion
In place of respectful discussion, criticism and correction take over. This sets up a dynamic whereby one partner speaks down to the other – conveying complaints attributed to a perceived deficiency in their partner’s character or personality. A corrective attitude implies that one partner knows what is best and feels their partner needs to be directed – which is condescending.
Disrespectful Body Language
Eye-rolling and physically turning away when your partner is trying to talk to you can convey contempt and a lack of interest in connecting with your partner. Walking away from a discussion, or turning your focus to your phone or computer when your partner is trying to have an important conversation with you, can also be perceived as disrespectful.
How to Banish Contempt From Your Relationships
There is evidence that if partners learn about and enact new ways of interacting, a relationship can be repaired, and reconciliation can occur. An attitude of contempt can be learned from observing parental relationships, and it can be unlearned, too.
Evidence supports the following as ways to combat contempt in your relationship:
Start With Small Changes
Start with noticing how your current ways of addressing concerns impact your partner and relationship. Then start with small changes, or “experiments” as you try out some of the suggested strategies here to improve your communication with your partner. Approaching these experiments with curiosity and a problem-solving lens can help release blame and improve your bond with your partner.
Soften Start-Up Conversation
If you have a complaint that you want to bring to your partner, it can be helpful to soften the start-up to this discussion by:1
- Using language and body language that mention a concern without blaming your partner or judging them as a person.
- Be polite and respectful. Express your concerns, but also convey to your partner what you appreciate about them.
- Don’t store your complaints and bring them up all at once. This can lead to your partner feeling overwhelmed and shutting down.
Communicate Your Feelings & Needs
It can help to use “I” statements instead of “you” statements when talking to your partner about a concern. Statements that start with “You” often convey blame. Instead, focus on how you feel and what it is that you need, while being careful to to overuse “I” and not express care for what your partner needs or feels. Be specific about what you are asking for from your partner. Don’t expect them to guess correctly.
Practice Speaking and Listening in a Non-Defensive Way
Listen to your partner, and try to see things from their perspective. Choose curiosity over defensiveness. When you are speaking, take the approach that it is an opportunity for you and your partner to work together as allies to solve a challenge. Let go of blaming, criticism, and defensiveness. Express what you appreciate about your partner – even while facing a challenge.
Learn How to Calm Yourself
It’s more difficult to think clearly and deliver a respectful message when you are very angry or upset. When you find yourself in this situation related to your partner, it can be wise to pause and get yourself grounded before speaking. For some, that might involve taking a walk, or for others, it might involve some grounding techniques, like mindful breathing or journaling.
Cultivate Fondness and Admiration
Fondness and admiration are the foundation for a healthy and long-lasting relationship.1,3 If your relationship with your partner is in trouble, it can help to remember the fondness and admiration you had for them in the beginning and to consciously seek to find glimmers of these in your current relationship.
Accept Your Role in the Situation
If you realize you made a mistake, say you are sorry. Don’t give excuses or try to turn it around on your partner. Take on that responsibility if there is a way to make it right. People who love each other hold each other accountable to be their “best selves” lovingly and respectfully.
How a Couples Therapist Can Help
Seeing a couples therapist or seeking marriage counseling can be helpful in several ways. The therapist can provide a safe space for you and your partner to explore your relationship, identify challenges and strengths, and practice new behaviors.
At your first session, the therapist will likely start by asking you to identify your goals for therapy. They will help you to identify the areas of the relationship you want to work on and might provide education on strategies that are more likely to lead to the repair and strengthening of a relationship. You will be given opportunities to practice new behaviors in the session. It’s important to find a marriage counselor who is a good fit for both you and your partner.
Final Thoughts
If contempt has found its way into your relationship, don’t despair, as your relationship can likely still be repaired. If both partners are motivated and willing to try some new approaches and behaviors, your relationship will likely not only be saved but can also be strengthened. If it feels like you need help with it, don’t hesitate to see a couples therapist.
Check out this video about contempt in relationships that Dr. David Tzall put together:
Contempt in Relationships Infographics
