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How to Save Your Marriage: 10 Tips For Healthy Reconciliation

Published: June 8, 2021 Updated: May 6, 2022
Published: 06/08/2021 Updated: 05/06/2022
Headshot of Ana De la Cruz, LMFT
Written by:

Ana De la Cruz

LMFT
Headshot of Trishanna Sookdeo, MD, MPH, FAAFP
Reviewed by:

Trishanna Sookdeo

MD, MPH, FAAFP
  • Can My Marriage Be Saved?Can It Be Saved?
  • Use Kindness When Discussing a Conflict of InterestKindness
  • Be Gentle With Your SpouseGentleness
  • Be Aware of Your Own FeelingsFeelings
  • Know When to Take a BreakTake Breaks
  • Scan for the PositivesPositives
  • Listen With EmpathyListen
  • Stay Away From CriticismAvoid Criticism
  • Give Each Other SpaceGive Space
  • Practice Self-CareSelf-Care
  • Seek Couples TherapyTherapy
  • Final Thoughts on How to Save Your MarriageConclusion
  • Additional ResourcesResources
  • Infographics for How to Save Your MessageInfographics
Headshot of Ana De la Cruz, LMFT
Written by:

Ana De la Cruz

LMFT
Headshot of Trishanna Sookdeo, MD, MPH, FAAFP
Reviewed by:

Trishanna Sookdeo

MD, MPH, FAAFP

A functional and fulfilling marriage requires a commitment from both spouses. There are a lot of common scenarios that could potentially lead to marital issues, separation, and in some cases, divorce; however, even if you and your partner have drifted apart, there are ways to work through conflict and differences. If the effort to reconcile comes from both sides of the relationship, a positive outcome is possible.

If you’re ready to work on your relationship, get the support and guidance of a couples counselor on ReGain. Complete a brief questionnaire and begin online couples counseling for as little as $60 per week. Learn More.

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for referrals by ReGain

Visit ReGain

Can My Marriage Be Saved?

Every couple’s circumstances are unique, ranging from a lack of communication to infidelity. That said, there is hope for reconciliation if you can employ the advice of experts, including empathy, self-care, and couples therapy. According to Dr. John Gottman, it’s a good idea to stay away from the “four horsemen of the apocalypse,” or in other words, indicators that he says may predict the end of a relationship.1

In relationships, the four horsemen are:

  1. Criticism
  2. Defensiveness
  3. Contempt
  4. Stonewalling

To start putting in the work to save your marriage, try the following tips: use kindness when discussing a conflict, be gentle, practice self-awareness, know when it’s time to take a break, look for positives, listen with empathy, give each other space, practice self-care, stay away from the four horsemen, and seek help from a couples therapist.

Here are ten tips to save your marriage:

1. Use Kindness When Discussing a Conflict of Interest

Many couples argue and become cruel over even the most mundane things. For example, they might fight over dirty dishes; however, dirty dishes usually have little to do with the actual argument. The majority of the time, it has more to do with how the issue was brought up, the context of the conversation, and the meaning behind it.

For example, here are two ways to approach the subject of dirty dishes:

  • “Why can’t you empty the damn sink?! Is it because you think you have a maid here? You are so lazy. I am tired of you.”
  • “Can you please wash the dishes? I appreciate all the hard work you do around the house. Thank you for being so helpful.”

The truth is that the way we say things can easily trigger old wounds in our partners — wounds that we may not even be aware of. In a simple statement like the example above, the other person can easily feel attacked, criticized, belittled, and unloved. When you love someone and are committed to making your relationship work, use kindness when approaching or discussing conflict, and learn to fight fair when you have differences in opinion.

2. Be Gentle With Your Spouse

It is interesting to see how gentle we can be with other people but not with our partner. If a friend or a person that you admire walks into your new car and spills a Gatorade all over your new seat, although it makes you upset, you will likely be gentle and say something like, “It’s okay, don’t worry about it; I’ll clean it up.” Why is it so much easier to be gentle with other people and not with our spouses? Ask yourself that question and analyze what feelings come up.

3. Be Aware of Your Own Feelings

It can feel like your spouse is an expert at pointing out everything you do wrong, but only you can be the expert on how you are feeling. Self-awareness takes work but it allows you to make more mindful choices. The only way to fully access your control over your feelings is to take time and analyze your thoughts, feelings, and actions. Observe your emotions, try to label them, and embrace them. There are no wrong feelings, only wrong choices.

4. Know When to Take a Break

Once you become aware of your feelings, learn how to take a break during an argument. Kindly ask your spouse that you need 10 minutes to calm down before you continue the conversation. Just make sure you actually come back after 10 minutes. Don’t use that time to think of ways to “win” the argument; instead, take deep breaths, practice a relaxation technique, and clear your mind. Remember that relationships are more important than being right.

5. Scan for the Positives

Look for your partner’s positive actions and characteristics on a daily basis. According to Dr. Gottman, actively searching for a positive sentiment will make a huge difference on how you respond to negativity. Our brain finds what it’s looking for, so if you are constantly looking for faults, you will always find them. On the other hand, if you consciously choose to look for positive attributes and actions, you will find them as well.

6. Listen With Empathy

If you can listen to what your spouse is truly saying, you will be able to empathize with them. Once they feel that you understand their perspective, the argument usually turns into a dialogue. Validating your spouse’s feelings doesn’t mean that you are agreeing with them, it means that you are able to step into their shoes.

7. Stay Away From Criticism

Remember, criticizing your spouse will never have a positive result. The truth is, no one likes to feel attacked, and good intentions easily lead to bad outcomes. After being in therapy for a while, many couples say how wonderful it is to feel heard and validated by their spouse. So, use your words wisely, always use “I” statements when addressing an issue, and state your needs and your feelings.

8. Give Each Other Space

I cannot stress enough the importance of giving your spouse space to cool down during an argument. This is slightly different from knowing when to take a break; instead, it focuses on respecting your partner’s wishes for space and time apart. Allow them to pick the time and day to come back and finish your conversation or dialogue, and honor that choice.

9. Practice Self-Care

Self-care is vital to the harmony of your relationship. You get married to share your life with someone — your happiness, love, aspirations, and dreams, but how can you share those things if you don’t have them? Your happiness is your responsibility; it’s not something that someone else can give you. Analyze what brings you peace and do more of that. Put together a go-to list of things you can do to recharge. For example, your list might include things like getting your hair done, taking long showers, gardening, reading a book, etc. If we take care of ourselves, we will be more emotionally available for our spouse.

10. Seek Couples Therapy

We live in an era where help is available in-person or online. Nowadays, many therapists are available through secure video sessions or other virtual venues. It can be difficult to disclose your most intimate needs to a stranger, but don’t be afraid to look for help, because it could be the key to saving your marriage. A couples therapist can help you discover what works for your unique union, providing the proper guidance toward a satisfying and successful partnership.

If you want to search for the right therapist based on speciality, price, experience and more, consider using a directory like Choosing Therapy. 

Final Thoughts on How to Save Your Marriage

There is hope for your marriage; there is always hope. The exit door might seem like the easiest path forward, but if you both decide to work towards reconciliation, it’s never too late to have a satisfying marriage. The exception is if there is physical or emotional abuse. In that case, it’s better to say goodbye than to continue to harm yourself by staying.

Additional Resources

Education is just the first step on our path to improved mental health and emotional wellness. To help our readers take the next step in their journey, Choosing Therapy has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. Choosing Therapy may be compensated for referrals by the companies mentioned below.

Talkspace for Couples – Are you ready to build a strong, healthier relationship? Get the support of an experienced, fully licensed therapist on Talkspace. Answer a few questions to get matched with the right therapist for your relationship. Learn More

Online Couples Counseling – Ready to work on your relationship? Get the support and guidance of a ReGain couples counselor. Complete a brief questionnaire and begin online couples counseling for as little as $60 per week. Learn More.

Choosing Therapy’s Directory – Find an experienced therapist who is committed to your wellbeing. You can search for a therapist by specialty, availability, insurance, and affordability. Therapist profiles and introductory videos provide insight into the therapist’s personality so you find the right fit. Find a therapist today.

Mindfulness & Meditation App – Headspace is an easy way to incorporate mindfulness and meditation into your routine. See for yourself how a few minutes each day can impact your stress levels, mood, and sleep. A monthly subscription for Headspace is only $12.99 per month and comes with a 7-day free trial. Try Headspace

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for referrals by ReGain, Talkspace, and Headspace

For Further Reading

  • Best Books About Marriage
  • Does Marriage Counseling Work After Infidelity?
  • Mental Health America
  • National Alliance on Mental Health

Infographics for How to Save Your Message

How to Save Your Marriage What a Functional and Fulfilling Marriage Requires Can Your Marriage Be Saved

Tips to Save Your Marriage There are a Lot of Ways to Save Your Marriage

1 sources

Choosing Therapy strives to provide our readers with mental health content that is accurate and actionable. We have high standards for what can be cited within our articles. Acceptable sources include government agencies, universities and colleges, scholarly journals, industry and professional associations, and other high-integrity sources of mental health journalism. Learn more by reviewing our full editorial policy.

  • John Gottman (1999). The marriage Clinic: A scientifically based marital therapy. New York, NY. W.W Norton & Company.

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Headshot of Ana De la Cruz, LMFT
Written by:

Ana De la Cruz

LMFT
Headshot of Trishanna Sookdeo, MD, MPH, FAAFP
Reviewed by:

Trishanna Sookdeo

MD, MPH, FAAFP
  • Can My Marriage Be Saved?Can It Be Saved?
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  • Know When to Take a BreakTake Breaks
  • Scan for the PositivesPositives
  • Listen With EmpathyListen
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  • Give Each Other SpaceGive Space
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