A functional and fulfilling marriage requires a commitment from both spouses. There are a lot of common scenarios that could potentially lead to marital issues, separation, and in some cases, divorce; however, even if you and your partner have drifted apart, there are ways to work through conflict and differences. If the effort to reconcile comes from both sides of the relationship, a positive outcome is possible.
Can My Marriage Be Saved?
Every couple’s circumstances are unique, ranging from a lack of communication to infidelity. That said, there is hope for reconciliation if you can employ the advice of experts, including empathy, self-care, and couples therapy. According to Dr. John Gottman, it’s a good idea to stay away from the “four horsemen of the apocalypse,” or in other words, indicators that he says may predict the end of a relationship.1
In relationships, the four horsemen are:
- Criticism
- Defensiveness
- Contempt
- Stonewalling
To start putting in the work to save your marriage, try the following tips: use kindness when discussing a conflict, be gentle, practice self-awareness, know when it’s time to take a break, look for positives, listen with empathy, give each other space, practice self-care, stay away from the four horsemen, and seek help from a couples therapist.
Here are ten tips to save your marriage:
1. Use Kindness When Discussing a Conflict of Interest
Many couples argue and become cruel over even the most mundane things. For example, they might fight over dirty dishes; however, dirty dishes usually have little to do with the actual argument. The majority of the time, it has more to do with how the issue was brought up, the context of the conversation, and the meaning behind it.
For example, here are two ways to approach the subject of dirty dishes:
- “Why can’t you empty the damn sink?! Is it because you think you have a maid here? You are so lazy. I am tired of you.”
- “Can you please wash the dishes? I appreciate all the hard work you do around the house. Thank you for being so helpful.”
The truth is that the way we say things can easily trigger old wounds in our partners — wounds that we may not even be aware of. In a simple statement like the example above, the other person can easily feel attacked, criticized, belittled, and unloved. When you love someone and are committed to making your relationship work, use kindness when approaching or discussing conflict, and learn to fight fair when you have differences in opinion.
2. Be Gentle With Your Spouse
It is interesting to see how gentle we can be with other people but not with our partner. If a friend or a person that you admire walks into your new car and spills a Gatorade all over your new seat, although it makes you upset, you will likely be gentle and say something like, “It’s okay, don’t worry about it; I’ll clean it up.” Why is it so much easier to be gentle with other people and not with our spouses? Ask yourself that question and analyze what feelings come up.
3. Be Aware of Your Own Feelings
It can feel like your spouse is an expert at pointing out everything you do wrong, but only you can be the expert on how you are feeling. Self-awareness takes work but it allows you to make more mindful choices. The only way to fully access your control over your feelings is to take time and analyze your thoughts, feelings, and actions. Observe your emotions, try to label them, and embrace them. There are no wrong feelings, only wrong choices.
4. Know When to Take a Break
Once you become aware of your feelings, learn how to take a break during an argument. Kindly ask your spouse that you need 10 minutes to calm down before you continue the conversation. Just make sure you actually come back after 10 minutes. Don’t use that time to think of ways to “win” the argument; instead, take deep breaths, practice a relaxation technique, and clear your mind. Remember that relationships are more important than being right.
5. Scan for the Positives
Look for your partner’s positive actions and characteristics on a daily basis. According to Dr. Gottman, actively searching for a positive sentiment will make a huge difference on how you respond to negativity. Our brain finds what it’s looking for, so if you are constantly looking for faults, you will always find them. On the other hand, if you consciously choose to look for positive attributes and actions, you will find them as well.
6. Listen With Empathy
If you can listen to what your spouse is truly saying, you will be able to empathize with them. Once they feel that you understand their perspective, the argument usually turns into a dialogue. Validating your spouse’s feelings doesn’t mean that you are agreeing with them, it means that you are able to step into their shoes.
7. Stay Away From Criticism
Remember, criticizing your spouse will never have a positive result. The truth is, no one likes to feel attacked, and good intentions easily lead to bad outcomes. After being in therapy for a while, many couples say how wonderful it is to feel heard and validated by their spouse. So, use your words wisely, always use “I” statements when addressing an issue, and state your needs and your feelings.
8. Give Each Other Space
I cannot stress enough the importance of giving your spouse space to cool down during an argument. This is slightly different from knowing when to take a break; instead, it focuses on respecting your partner’s wishes for space and time apart. Allow them to pick the time and day to come back and finish your conversation or dialogue, and honor that choice.
9. Practice Self-Care
Self-care is vital to the harmony of your relationship. You get married to share your life with someone — your happiness, love, aspirations, and dreams, but how can you share those things if you don’t have them? Your happiness is your responsibility; it’s not something that someone else can give you. Analyze what brings you peace and do more of that. Put together a go-to list of things you can do to recharge. For example, your list might include things like getting your hair done, taking long showers, gardening, reading a book, etc. If we take care of ourselves, we will be more emotionally available for our spouse.
10. Seek Couples Therapy
We live in an era where help is available in-person or online. Nowadays, many therapists are available through Zoom and other virtual venues. It can be difficult to disclose your most intimate needs to a stranger, but don’t be afraid to look for help, because it could be the key to saving your marriage. A couples therapist can help you discover what works for your unique union, providing the proper guidance toward a satisfying and successful partnership.
If you want to search for the right therapist based on speciality, price, experience and more, consider using a directory like Choosing Therapy.
Final Thoughts on How to Save Your Marriage
There is hope for your marriage; there is always hope. The exit door might seem like the easiest path forward, but if you both decide to work towards reconciliation, it’s never too late to have a satisfying marriage. The exception is if there is physical or emotional abuse. In that case, it’s better to say goodbye than to continue to harm yourself by staying.
Additional Resources
- Best Books on Emotional Intelligence
- Mental Health America
- National Alliance on Mental Health
- MentalHealth.gov
- Online Therapist Directory: Sort therapists by specialty, cost, availability and more. Watch intro videos and see articles written by the therapists you’re considering working with. When you’ve found a good match, book an online therapy appointment with them directly.
Are you ready to connect with a therapist but feel a little overwhelmed by all your options? Speak with one of Choosing Therapy’s Client Navigators. Client Navigators are mental health professionals who will listen to what you’re looking for in a therapist and help pair you with the best possible fit. Getting started is free, easy, and confidential.
