How to Save Your Marriage: 20 Tips For Healthy Reconciliation

Can My Marriage Be Saved?

Every couple faces unique challenges, whether it’s a lack of communication, infidelity, or differing life goals. However, there is hope for reconciliation, even during difficult times. Key indicators that your marriage can be saved include both partners’ willingness to seek professional help, a strong foundation of friendship beneath the surface conflicts, and the ability to identify motivators for healing.

Seeking marriage counseling is a positive step, as it allows each partner to gain new insights and take actionable steps toward change. A foundation of deep friendship, mentioned by The Gottman Method, paves the way toward marriage repair. When times are shaky, identifying motivators for reconciliation, such as healing family of origin patterns or providing a stable environment for children, can strengthen the resolve to change. Start with our free Relationship Inventory worksheet to see if your marriage can be saved.

Relationship Inventory Worksheet

Identifying what you want from a relationship is important for determining whether or not you are compatible with your partner.

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What Can Cause a Marriage to Fall Apart?

According to Dr. John Gottman, it’s a good idea to stay away from the “four horsemen of the apocalypse,” or in other words, indicators that he says may predict the end of a relationship.¹ In relationships, the four horsemen are: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.

Other issues that may cause a marriage to fall apart include:

• No communication
• Infidelity
• Lack of intimacy
• Stress related to finances
• Religious differences
• Incompatibility
• Constant fights
• Being in a relationship with a controlling husband

20 Tips to Save Your Marriage

To start putting in the work to save your marriage, try the following tips: use kindness when discussing a conflict, be gentle, practice self-awareness, know when it’s time to take a break, look for positives, listen with empathy, give each other space, practice self-care, stay away from the four horsemen, and seek help from a couples therapist.

Here are 20 tips to save your marriage:

1. Don’t Wait

It’s important to start right away if you feel that there are issues in your marriage. You don’t want to wait until there is so much bothering you about the relationship that managing everything becomes too much. Procrastinating instead of addressing things as they come up leads to a lot of pent up emotions, which can be overwhelming for everyone involved.

2. Identify Issues & Goals

When you identify an issue, it’s important to be able to talk about it and come up with goals for how to mitigate the concern. Sometimes an issue for one person isn’t an issue for the other, but it’s important to consider your partner’s issues as concerns for the relationship as a whole. Come together as partners, lay out the potholes, and identify goals to create a roadmap of how to get around these potholes.

3. Commit to Changing

To save a relationship, you have to really be committed to the cause and the reason why the changes are necessary. Those reasons must become values you hold to or the changes will be short lived. Relationships require commitment each day, and as couples grow, the needs of the relationship can also change. If you’re working on a specific problem in your relationship, making a daily promise to improve in the ways you’ve laid out with your partner can make a big difference over time.

4. Take the Initiative

If you are feeling like you want to address something, don’t wait for your partner to bring it up. You are just as accountable for the success of the relationship as your partner, so ensuring you are speaking up and taking the step yourself is important, because this also can help your partner feel safe to bring things up that they would like to address as well.

5. Use Kindness When Discussing a Conflict of Interest

When you love someone and are committed to making your relationship work, use kindness when approaching or discussing conflict, and learn to fight fair when you have differences in opinion. The majority of the time, the issue has more to do with how it was brought up, the context, and the meaning behind it.

For example, here are two ways to approach the subject of dirty dishes:

• “Why can’t you empty the damn sink?! Is it because you think you have a maid here? You are so lazy. I am tired of you.”
• “Can you please wash the dishes? I appreciate all the hard work you do around the house. Thank you for being so helpful.”

The way we say things can easily trigger old wounds in our partners — wounds that we may not even be aware of. In a simple statement like the example above, the other person can easily feel attacked, criticized, belittled, and unloved.

6. Be Gentle With Your Spouse

It is interesting to see how gentle we can be with other people verses our partner. If a friend or a person that you admire walks into your new car and spills a Gatorade all over your seat, although it makes you upset, you will likely be gentle and say something like, “It’s OK, don’t worry about it; I’ll clean it up.”

Why is it so much easier to be gentle with other people and not with our spouses? Ask yourself that question and analyze what feelings come up.

7. Work On Communicating Better

Communication is a foundation for the success of any relationship. Words hold a lot of power, and saying something mean or unkind can do damage that may take months to recover from. Communication in a relationship is best when you are both calm to receive information rather than react. Understanding what your goal is with your communication can make all the difference to make sure what you have to say lands safely.

8. Be Aware of Your Own Feelings

It can feel like your spouse is an expert at pointing out everything you do wrong, but only you can be the expert on how you are feeling. Self-awareness takes work but it allows you to make more mindful choices.

The only way to fully access your control over your feelings is to take time and analyze your thoughts, feelings, and actions. Observe your emotions, try to label them, and embrace them. There are no wrong feelings, only wrong choices.

9. Know When to Take a Break

Once you become aware of your feelings, learn how to take a break during an argument. Kindly ask your spouse for 10 minutes to calm down before you continue the conversation. Just make sure you actually come back after 10 minutes.

Don’t use that time to think of ways to “win” the argument; instead, take deep breaths, practice a relaxation technique, and clear your mind. Remember that relationships are more important than being right.

10. Stop Making Assumptions

Clarity is key to moving forward, especially when you are trying to repair a damaged relationship. Assuming is nothing more than glorified worrying. When we assume, we take away our partner’s power and words, which can lead to a lack of trust. The assumptions we have often come from insecurities or because we are fearful of having a tough conversation. It’s important to understand that assumptions can leave people feeling misunderstood. Rather than assuming, take the time to ask the questions even if you think they are silly to ask.

11. Look For the Positives

Look for your partner’s positive actions and characteristics on a daily basis. According to Dr. Gottman, actively searching for a positive sentiment makes a huge difference in how you respond to negativity. Our brain finds what it’s looking for, so if you are constantly looking for faults, you will find them. If you consciously choose to look for positive attributes and actions, you will find them as well.

12. Listen With Empathy

If you can listen to what your spouse is truly saying, you will be able to empathize with them. Once they feel that you understand their perspective, the argument usually turns into a dialogue. Validating your spouse’s feelings doesn’t mean that you agree with them, it means that you are able to step into their shoes.

13. Stay Away From Criticism

Criticizing your spouse will never have a positive result. The truth is, no one likes to feel attacked, and good intentions easily lead to bad outcomes. After being in therapy for a while, many couples say how wonderful it is to feel heard and validated by their spouse. Use your words wisely; always use “I” statements when addressing an issue, and state your needs and feelings.

14. Give Each Other Space

I cannot stress enough the importance of giving your spouse space to cool down during an argument. This is slightly different from knowing when to take a break; instead, it focuses on respecting your partner’s wishes for space and time apart. Allow them to pick the time and day to come back and finish your conversation or dialogue, and honor that choice.

15. Spend Time Together

Quality time together is critical. That is where our bond can grow deep and rich. Time together doesn’t have to be the same routine things or the same type of date nights. Planning quality time can include surprises for one another or doing something your partner thought you would never do. It’s important to be open and grow in adventure together.

16. Show Physical Affection

Physical affection is just as important as emotional intimacy in a marriage. To thrive, we need both. Showing affection like a hand hold or a warm embrace can go a long way in helping your partner feel connected.

17. Practice Self-care

Self-care is vital to the harmony of your relationship. You get married to share your life with someone — your happiness, love, aspirations, and dreams, but how can you share those things if you don’t have them? Your happiness is your responsibility; it’s not something that someone else can give you.

Analyze what brings you peace and do more of that. Put together a go-to list of things you can do to recharge. For example, your list of self-care activities might include things like getting your hair done, taking long showers, gardening, reading a book, etc. If we take care of ourselves, we will be more emotionally available for our spouse.

18. Revisit Your Vows

If you are married, revisiting your vows when things are tough is a great way to remember that you anticipated there would be times where it would be hard, but you made promises and commitments to one another. It can help to solidify a sense of unity when it feels like you and your partner are on different teams.

19. Show Your Appreciation

Appreciation goes a long way. A simple thank you, a little gift, or a gesture can show your partner that you appreciate them. Understanding each other’s love language is also important because you may think you know how your partner likes to be appreciated, but you could be wrong. Talking about what they need to feel appreciated is important so you have a better idea of what you can do to help them meet that need.

20. Seek Couples Therapy

It can be difficult to disclose your most intimate needs to a stranger, but don’t be afraid to look for help, because it could be the key to saving your marriage. A couples therapist can help you discover what works for your unique union, providing the proper guidance toward a satisfying and successful partnership.

How to Find a Couples Therapist to Save a Relationship

We live in an era where help is available in-person or online. Nowadays, many online couples therapists are available through secure video sessions or other virtual venues like Talkspace or Regain. You can also get online relationship coaching through services like Our Relationship.

Questions to Ask a Couples Therapist

It’s important to ask a couples therapist questions about what they do and their experience so you can make sure you’ll be a good fit for each other. Understanding the lens they use and how you best work to resolve conflict can also be really helpful information to help them help you. Couples therapy is a collaboration that involves you, your partner, and a therapist to address issues and work to find ways to cope better and improve the overall quality of the relationship.

Here are some potential questions to ask a couples therapist or marriage counselor:

• Do you also have counselor training and education? If so, what kind? (Marriage and Family Therapy, Social Work, Counseling)
• What is your approach to couples therapy?
• How long does couples therapy typically last?
• What are the topics that we are going to cover?
• Do you use assessments or evidence- based tools in your therapy?
• Do you have experience with (list concerns you have about your relationship)?
• Will you ever see us separately?
• How do we know if we are doing better?