Dating someone who may be an alcoholic can be difficult. You may feel frustrated, resentful, and angry when dealing with them. Some ways to cope can include setting boundaries, stepping back, engaging in self-care, reaching out to a loved one, joining a support group, and talking to a therapist.1,2
11 Signs You’re Dating an Alcoholic
You may suspect that your significant other is an alcoholic, but it can be difficult to determine for sure because alcohol use ranges from high-functioning alcoholism to alcohol abuse. Signs that you’re dating an alcoholic include personality changes when they drink, not appearing intoxicated after drinking copious amounts of alcohol, and having a history of alcohol abuse in their family.
Here are eleven signs that you may be dating an alcoholic:
- They are drinking alone1
- They are drinking to the point that most of their social life or hobbies include alcohol3,4
- Their drinking takes up a significant part of their day1,5
- They are drinking to the point that their behavior and personality changes (e.g., your loved one is generally calm and nice but becomes cruel and easily aggravated the more they consume)3,4
- They are drinking regularly at heavy levels1,5
- They don’t appear to show intoxication matching the amount they are drinking3,4,5
- They are drinking so much that it impacts other important parts of their day like work, a routine, or self-care1,4,5
- They are drinking to the point that they have gotten into trouble in different areas of their life or on a legal level1,5
- They are finding ways to access alcohol even when they don’t have enough money to pay the bills much less buy alcohol3,4,5
- They are having difficulty cutting back on their alcohol use and become increasingly agitated when not drinking3,4,5
- They have a history of alcohol use and abuse in their family
- This can be seen at family get-togethers, in interactions you have with their family members, or even stories they tell about their family3
How Dating an Alcoholic Can Affect You
While you may see how alcohol affects your loved one, it is important to remember that their alcohol use is affecting you and your relationship, too. It is not uncommon for significant others of alcoholics to experience difficulties themselves, especially when the significant other is also in recovery from substance use.
Dating an alcoholic can cause the following effects on you:
- Feelings of anxiety, frustration, or like you are “crazy”6,7
- Sleep difficulties or disturbances7
- Social isolation or limited social engagement with your support system, especially on a long-term basis7
- Sacrificing or ignoring your physical or mental health needs1,4,6,7
- Reduced engagement in your joined hobbies as your significant other no longer wants to do them in lieu of engaging in alcohol use6
- Emotional, physical, or sexual domestic violence or abuse4,6,7,8
- Increased relationship stress due to a significant increase in fights about your significant other’s alcohol use6,7,8
- Significantly increased or sole management of household responsibilities due to your significant other’s drinking or being hungover6,7
- Financial stress or a limited budget due to your significant other prioritizing alcohol over your bills6,7
- Increased stress about being the main source of income if your significant other has lost their job due to alcohol use6,7
- Potential alcohol use issues on your end7
- Misplaced frustration and anger on children or animals in your home, especially on a long-term basis where you may be living with your significant other7
- Threats to your safety or your significant other’s safety7
- Suicidal ideations, especially on a long-term basis7
10 Tips to Deal With Dating an Alcoholic
If you suspect your significant other is an alcoholic, remember that you are not alone. Several ways to deal with this type of situation include communicating your concerns, taking a step back, setting boundaries, practicing self-care, maintaining a routine, attending a support group of therapy, and leaving if you feel unsafe.
Here are ten tips to deal with dating an alcoholic:
1. Communicate Your Concerns
As someone’s significant other, you are an observer of their life. It can be helpful to communicate your observations and subsequent concerns about their drinking to them while they are sober. It’s important to stay calm, express your concerns clearly, and allow them time to process the conversation. Keep in mind that they may not be receptive to your concerns.1,2
2. Set Clear Boundaries
While you care about your significant other, it’s important to set boundaries that clarify your expectations, keep you from enabling their alcohol use, and keep you both safe. Setting boundaries can sound like, “It is your choice if you drink, but I will not hide it for you and I will not make excuses for you at events.” It can be hard to set and maintain these boundaries, especially for a loved one, but doing so can help you both.1,3
3. Allow Yourself Space to Step Back & Not Blame Yourself
People often blame themselves for their significant other’s alcohol use or get enmeshed in managing the problem. Remind yourself that they’re the only one who can make choices concerning their alcohol use. Also, remember that it might be connected to mental health concerns that are out of your control. By stepping back, you maintain boundaries and keep both of you safe without enabling their behavior.1,3
4. Take Care of Yourself by Meeting Your Needs & Keeping a Routine
In the process of dating an alcoholic, it can be easy to lose track of your wants and needs. By allowing yourself to maintain your personal routine and work on your own goals, you are taking care of yourself, maintaining a sense of normalcy, and giving yourself the space to “be you,” so to say. It is important to not lose yourself in your significant other’s recovery process, even if you are in a relationship with them.1,2
5. Learn Coping Skills to Help Manage Stress & Negative Emotions
Maintaining boundaries and stepping back can create or increase negative emotions like anger, resentment, frustration, and anxiety. Stress can fuel these emotions significantly and you may not know how to cope. Learning coping skills to identify the trigger, become aware of your feelings, and calm yourself can help increase your emotional regulation and peace of mind. Coping skills include breathing exercises, journaling, listening to music, and affirmations.4,7,10
6. Reach Out to a Trusted Friend or Family Member
Studies indicate that individuals who date alcoholics can experience disconnection from friends and family, especially in long-term partnerships or marriages.7 Talking to someone about your situation and how you feel can help you feel supported by a loved one or trusted person. This can also be helpful if you’re making a plan to leave the relationship or need to make a plan if their alcohol use worsens.
7. Consider Attending Support Groups or Group Therapy
Support groups and group therapy, albeit different types of support, can be helpful. They can help validate you, make you feel less alone, and increase your support system. They can also teach you ways to cope and acknowledge difficult, negative emotions. In addition, support groups like Al-Anon and group therapy provide an opportunity to learn more about yourself, your communication styles, and how to approach alcohol use.1,2,7,9,10
8. Consider Meeting With a Therapist or Doctor
A therapist can help provide individual counseling to process the difficulties of your situation and further assess for other mental health concerns. Generally, a primary care doctor or a psychiatrist who has an M.D. can make an assessment if you’re interested in medication to help decrease symptoms, especially if you have begun to have more severe symptoms like suicidal thoughts, severe anxiety, severe depression, etc.1,2,7,10
9. Explore Couples Therapy
Couples therapy can help you both communicate your needs, experiences, and concerns. It also explores the way you fight, how you express your emotions with each other, and more. Considering couples therapy could help you both process your feelings about alcohol use, work towards harmony, and adopt healthier behaviors on your own and with each other.10
10. Don’t Stay if You Don’t Feel Safe
Research indicates that individuals who use/abuse alcohol are more likely to engage in domestic violence, especially when intoxicated. Additionally, some substance programs indicate that alcoholics have an increased likelihood of threatening their own lives or the safety of significant others when intoxicated. If you don’t feel safe, whether that’s because of a history of domestic violence, active abuse, or threat of abuse, leave the situation and relationship.2,6,7
When to Get Help for Your Significant Other’s Drinking Problem
It can be difficult to know when your significant other has crossed the line from occasional alcohol use to alcohol abuse. If they’re high-functioning, it could benefit them to seek treatment; however, a diagnosis of an alcohol use disorder (AUD) is a definite sign.5
If you begin to see your significant other display warning signs of alcoholism, reach out to a mental health professional trained in substance use. Understand that if your significant other is being emotionally, physically, sexually, or otherwise abusive, it’s highly suggested that you leave the situation and relationship.
Where to Get Help
Finding support for your significant other can be confusing if you aren’t familiar with the resources. If they’re using daily and all day long, they may experience physical symptoms of withdrawal. This stage needs to be medically monitored as they could experience seizures, hallucinations, etc. Search for an alcohol rehabilitation center to help with detoxification. The center can then transition them into inpatient or outpatient treatment.
If the individual is not this severe but is using regularly, there are several options available. For those who have limited or no insight into how the alcohol may be impacting their lives and health, an intervention with family and friends can sit with them and calmly process these concerns as a group.
If, after the intervention, your significant other is interested in or agreeable to treatment, then a good start is to find a therapist in the area with substance use training or licensure. You could also seek out a rehab center that offers outpatient therapy. At some centers, medicated support may be an option.
If your significant other is not quite comfortable with seeing a therapist yet, attending Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) can be helpful. AA generally provides a meeting finder site online that offers online and in-person meetings at most times.11
Final Thoughts on Dating an Alcoholic
Dating and trying to help someone who has alcohol use issues can be overwhelming. Remember, you’re not alone. There are resources available for you and your significant other. These resources include support groups, therapy (group therapy, family therapy, individual therapy), and more. If you feel unsafe or are being abused in any way, leave the relationship and the situation.
For Further Reading
- 15 Helpful Books About Alcoholism
- Al-Anon (for family members and significant others)
- Alcoholics Anonymous (AA)
- Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services of America
- Mental Health America
- National Alliance on Mental Health
- MentalHealth.gov
