Signs You’re Dating an Alcoholic & How to Cope

11 Signs You’re Dating an Alcoholic

You may suspect your significant other is an alcoholic. Still, determining this for sure can be challenging because alcohol use can manifest overtly or covertly as high-functioning alcoholism.Some more obvious signs you are dating an alcoholic include personality changes due to alcohol, frequently drinking alone, and an inability to reduce alcohol consumption.

Here are eleven signs that you may be dating an alcoholic:^1,3,4,5

1. They drink alone often
2. Most of their social life or hobbies include drinking alcohol
3. Drinking takes up a significant part of their day
4. They experience alcoholic personality changes (i.e., your partner is nice when sober but becomes cruel after drinking)
5. They regularly drink heavily
6. Their intoxication does not match the amount they drink
7. Their drinking habits impact work, routines, or self-care
8. Their problematic drinking causes various issues, even on a legal level
9. They find ways to access alcohol even when they lack the money to pay bills (much less buy more alcohol)
10. They have difficulty reducing their alcohol use and become increasingly agitated when not drinking
11. They have a history of alcohol use and abuse in their family (i.e., family members exhibit similar drinking habits at get-togethers)

Impacts of Dating an Alcoholic

Being in a relationship with an alcoholic poses many challenges, and the issues associated with their problematic drinking can affect their partners, too. These problems can be especially difficult for those who are in recovery because being exposed to alcoholism can jeopardize their treatment.

Below are possible impacts of dating an alcoholic:^1,4,6,7,8

• Symptoms of anxiety or frustration
• Sleep difficulties or disturbances
• Social isolation or limited social engagement with your support system, especially on a long-term basis
• Sacrificing or ignoring your physical or mental health needs
• Reduced engagement in your joint hobbies due to their alcoholism
• Emotional, physical, or sexual domestic violence or abuse
• Increased relationship conflict and stress due to fights about alcohol use
• Significantly increased or sole management of household responsibilities due to your significant other’s drinking
• Financial stress due to your significant other prioritizing alcohol over bills
• Increased stress about being the primary source of income if your significant other has lost their job due to alcohol use
• Potential personal alcohol use issues
• Displaced anger on children or animals in your home
  Threats to your or your significant other’s safety
• Suicidal ideations, especially if the alcohol misuse continues for a long time

How to Deal With Dating an Alcoholic

Dating someone who drinks too much can feel exhausting, but you are not alone. While alcoholism and relationship problems often coexist, healthy communication, setting boundaries, and seeking professional support can help.

Below are tips for coping with dating an alcoholic:

1. Communicate Your Concerns

Dating someone with drinking problems means you are an observer of their life. Communicate your observations and subsequent concerns about their drinking when they are sober or during a scheduled and structured conversation. Stay calm, express your concerns clearly, and allow them time to process the conversation. However, remember they may not be receptive to your concerns.^1,2

2. Set Clear Boundaries

While you care about your significant other, setting healthy boundaries in your relationship is important. Clarifying your expectations prevents you from enabling their alcohol use and ensures you both stay safe. For example, you can say, “It is your choice to drink, but I will not make excuses for you.” Setting and maintaining these boundaries can be hard, especially as their partner, but doing so can help you both.^1,3

3. Allow Yourself Space to Step Back & Not Blame Yourself

Some people in relationships with alcoholics blame themselves for their significant other’s behavior or entangle themselves in ensuing problems. Remind yourself your partner is the only one who can make choices concerning their alcohol use. Their behavior may actually connect to mental health concerns out of your control. By stepping back, you maintain boundaries and avoid taking the brunt of their issues.^1,3

4. Take Care of Yourself by Meeting Your Needs & Keeping a Routine

In a relationship with an alcoholic, losing track of your wants and needs can be easy. By allowing yourself to maintain your personal routine and work on your own goals, you are taking care of yourself, maintaining a sense of normalcy, and giving yourself space to be your true self. Do not lose yourself in your significant other’s recovery process. While you can offer support, you should prioritize your mental well-being, too.^1,2

5. Learn Coping Skills to Help Manage Stress & Negative Emotions

Boundaries can create or increase negative emotions like anger, resentment, frustration, and anxiety in your relationship. Stress can fuel these emotions significantly, and you may not know how to cope. Learning healthy coping skills to identify triggers, become aware of your feelings, and calm yourself can help increase your emotional regulation and peace of mind. Coping skills include breathing exercises, journaling, listening to music, and affirmations.^4,7,10

6. Reach Out to a Trusted Friend or Family Member

As mentioned, alcoholic behaviors in relationships affect both the drinker and their partner. Studies indicate people dating alcoholics can experience disconnection from friends and family, especially in long-term partnerships.⁷ Talking to someone about your situation can help you feel supported. This support can also be valuable if you plan to leave the toxic relationship should their alcohol use worsen.

7. Consider Attending Support Groups or Group Therapy

Support groups and group therapy can help validate your experience, make you feel less alone, and increase your support system. Fellow members can also teach you ways to cope and acknowledge difficult, negative emotions. In addition, support groups like Al-Anon and group therapy offer opportunities to learn more about yourself, your communication styles, and how to approach alcohol use.^1,2,7,9,10

8. Consider Meeting With a Therapist or Doctor

A therapist can provide individual counseling to process the difficulties of your situation and further assess for other mental health concerns. Generally, a primary care doctor or a psychiatrist can assess to see if medication can help, especially if you experience more severe symptoms like suicidal thoughts, anxiety, or depression.^1,2,7,10

9. Explore Couples Therapy

You may wonder if you can have a healthy relationship with an alcoholic. Couples therapy can help you and your partner communicate your needs, experiences, and concerns. It also explores how you fight, express your emotions with each other, and more. While overcoming relationship problems is challenging, couples counseling can be effective for processing your feelings about alcohol use, working toward harmony, and adopting healthier behaviors on your own and with each other.¹⁰

10. Don’t Stay if You Don’t Feel Safe

Research indicates those who abuse alcohol are more likely to engage in domestic violence, especially when intoxicated. Leave the situation and relationship if you do not feel safe, whether because of domestic violence, active abuse, or threat of abuse.^2,6,7

Should you decide to move on from this relationship, you might be interested in sober dating, where you and your partner participate in activities that do not involve alcohol.

Finding Help for an Alcoholic Partner

Knowing when your significant other has crossed the line from occasional alcohol use to alcohol abuse can be hard. However, you should seek professional help if they experience diagnosed alcohol use disorder (AUD). Even high-functioning partners can still benefit from treatment.⁵

Consider speaking with a mental health professional trained in substance use to learn how to help an alcoholic. Understand that leaving the relationship is in your best interest if your significant other is emotionally, physically, sexually, or otherwise abusive.

Below are treatment options for those struggling with alcohol abuse:

• Rehab: Your partner may experience physical symptoms of alcohol withdrawal if they drink heavily and frequently. Rehab or inpatient treatment offers medical care should your partner experience severe reactions, such as seizures or hallucinations. The center can then transition them into inpatient or outpatient treatment.
• Outpatient therapy: If your significant other is interested in or agreed to treatment, focus on finding a therapist specializing in addiction. Traditional or intensive outpatient therapy can be beneficial in maintaining long-term success and recovery.
• Support groups: Attending Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) may be helpful if your partner is not comfortable seeing a therapist yet. AA generally provides a meeting finder site online that offers a wide range of online and in-person meeting times.(FN11)

Final Thoughts

Dating an alcoholic can be overwhelming. Remember, you’re not alone. There are resources available for you and your significant other. These resources include support groups, group therapy, family therapy, individual therapy, and more. If you feel unsafe, leave the relationship and the situation as soon as possible.