Living With an Alcoholic: Strategies & When to Seek Help

Is My Loved One an Alcoholic?

Living with an alcoholic is a challenging experience, and realizing that your loved one has alcoholism can be a long process. You may feel they are recovering and can stop drinking independently. However, some signs can indicate that their relationship with alcohol has become unhealthy.

Signs of alcoholism may include:²

• Consuming alcohol in dangerous situations: This can include driving, taking care of children, operating heavy machinery, or providing assistance as an essential worker.
• Having a high tolerance for alcohol: Your loved one may have an alcohol use disorder if they constantly have to drink more to get the desired buzz or effects.
• Being unable to cut down: Your alcoholic family member may promise to decrease their alcohol use or ask you to hold them accountable. However, this can lead to covert consumption or extraordinary measures to conceal consumption.
• Continuing alcohol use after it interferes with daily living: Even after experiencing consequences or disciplinary action, your family member may continue to consume alcohol without seeking treatment.

Impacts of Living With an Alcoholic

Alcoholism can have a devastating impact on the individual with the addiction and their family or community members. Centers for alcoholism do not always include loved ones in treatment, leading to beliefs that they lack necessary support as they struggle to live with the alcoholic.³

Jonathan Sprecher, RN, Principal of RS Healthcare and Director of Nursing at the Desert Hope Treatment Center says, “It can become exhausting worrying about another person and finding yourself in a place where you continually feel that you must pay attention to their behavior in order to be sure your loved one will be alright.”¹¹

Alcoholism can be progressive, and while a family member may still be able to function, their behaviors and actions may become erratic or increasingly impulsive.⁴ As a result, loved ones may take a more active role in their life or provide more hands-on support.

Possible impacts of living with an alcoholic include:

• Caregiver burnout: Living with an alcoholic can increase the likelihood of caregiver burnout as spouses or loved ones may feel caring for another adult and being inconvenienced by their alcoholism is unfair.
• Self-blame: Nobody is perfect. While you may have made mistakes that possibly contributed to a loved one’s alcoholism, wallowing in self-blame is not productive. Instead of looking back, focus on changes you can make moving forward that can help your loved one heal and recover.
• Increased anxiety: Living with an alcoholic can feel unstable as intoxication can be unpredictable and lead to disruptive–and sometimes frightening–behaviors. Such uncertainty gives rise to heightened anxiety that persists even during sobriety.
• Enabling behaviors: It is not uncommon for someone living with an alcoholic to want to keep the person calm and content, even if that means buying them alcohol, supporting them financially, or not confronting them about getting help.
• Social or professional repercussions: Caring for an alcoholic is often accompanied by a host of disruptions (e.g., poor sleep, interruptions at work by the intoxicated individual, embarrassment in social situations, and secondary health problems). Such problems can lead to social barriers and occupational repercussions that exacerbate the stress and anxiety already brewing in a family dealing with alcoholism.

11 Ways to Cope While Living With an Alcoholic

Dealing with an alcoholic spouse or family member is complicated, and their behavior can create challenges in your household. You may struggle to approach them about their drinking habits, but recommending professional help or support could make a difference. When living with an alcoholic, maintaining a routine, offering realistic solutions, and being patient with your loved one is essential.

Sprecher notes, “I suggest you explore information regarding codependent behavior and how to live with a person who is relying on you for support of their behavior.”¹¹

Below are 11 helpful tips for living with an alcoholic:

1. Recognize That There Is an Issue

Simple awareness of the issue is a pivotal first step in helping an alcoholic spouse, child, or parent. Acknowledging the presence of an alcohol use disorder opens the door to constructive conversation and intervention. Without this recognition, as in the case of a husband and wife both in denial about joint alcoholism, the path to recovery will remain invisible.

2. Pay Attention to Your Mental Health

Self-care has many benefits. Paying attention to yourself does not mean you love your family member less. Sometimes detachment is beneficial so you can avoid taking responsibility for alcohol-related problems. Strengthening your mental clarity helps you to engage with your family member thoughtfully and lovingly.⁸

3. Offer Solutions Without Strings

Understand that there isn’t a “one size fits all” approach to helping an alcoholic. However, familiarizing yourself with local treatment options can be beneficial. Issuing ultimatums may not be helpful, but sharing your concern and willingness to help your family member find support can help them feel validated and loved.⁹

4. Reach Out for Support

Treatment and residential recovery centers offer services or programs for loved ones and family members. Going to a support group or finding a therapist can be beneficial in equipping you with healthy ways to cope with stress. These settings also provide a space where you can process your emotions.

Sprecher mentions, “It is important to develop a support system of like-minded people to avoid being pulled into a system of facilitating the destructive behavior. One good source is AL-anon, a complementary organization to Alcoholics Anonymous. Members meet in a group setting and help one another with the struggle of living with an addictive personality. Finding others in the same situation can be supportive and give you positive direction.”¹¹

5. Maintain a Sense of Routine & Normalcy

If you are living with an alcoholic spouse, having a structured daily routine can provide a stabilizing anchor amidst the unpredictable nature of alcoholism. Schedules can offer a sense of control and continuity, helping both the individual with alcoholism and their spouse to navigate challenges within the confines of responsibility.

Maintaining some degree of normalcy can also help the alcoholic not feel isolated and estranged from others. As alcoholism becomes more severe, there is a tendency for friends and acquaintances to avoid the person, especially if alcohol renders the individual disruptive or unpleasant to be around. Engaging in activities with other sober individuals can be a positive example of sobriety and ward off isolation.

6. Research Alcohol Use Disorder

If you want to help an alcoholic spouse, you may have to do the leg work researching treatment options and establishing support services. Reading this very article shows that you are already doing just this. Useful sources may be treatment centers (online or in-person), support groups, or finding the right therapist specializing in addiction.

7. Prioritize Your & Loved Ones’ Safety

Alcohol can lead one to become disinhibited, impulsive, and sometimes aggressive. If you are feeling the effects of living with an alcoholic spouse, prioritize your safety and the safety of other loved ones residing with you (e.g., children, elders).

While you may feel drawn to care for an alcoholic partner, remaining in a dangerous or precarious situation is not helping anyone. Call 911 or leave the space until you find an alternative living accommodation if you are in danger.

8. Learn When to Step Away From the Situation

Arguing with or trying to convince an alcoholic partner to stop drinking is futile while under the influence, and interactions can escalate quickly. Know when to step away and let the person cool down.

Much like scratching a mosquito bite offers temporary satisfaction, followed by increased agitation and discomfort, retaliating in a fight with an alcoholic partner will likely leave you feeling worse. In both cases, abstaining from scratching the itch–literally and figuratively–is often the only option to break the cycle.

9. Explore Local Addiction Treatment Options

Unless one is arrested or hospitalized, the decision to get help for a drinking problem has to come from the person’s own volition. What you can do to help is explore local treatment options for a time when your loved one is eventually ready to enter treatment.

Proactively doing the legwork, establishing a few viable options with contact information, and creating a plan for a person’s pets (as fears about petcare is a major but lesser-known reason why many people avoid inpatient treatments) remove some of the biggest obstacles to an individual getting over the hump to pursue inpatient treatment.

Your healthcare provider or local AA group may be a good place to start. If you cannot find local options, consider online options that may be logistically easier for the individual to attend.

10. Start a Conversation About Their Alcoholism

Learning how to talk to an alcoholic spouse is an art, like learning to surf or ride a wave. Individuals with alcoholism have built an intricate structure of defense mechanisms. As such, addressing your issues will usually meet resistance or hostility. In either case, an exacerbation of drinking is likely, as the alcoholic spouse tries to deal with the anxiety and shame caused by the interaction.

Though you should avoid being directly confrontational with an alcoholic spouse, you shouldn’t turn a blind eye to their behavior. Ultimately, you’ll need to discover your own strategy for letting your alcoholic spouse know how their behavior affects you and the family in a persistent but gentle way. It’s also important to listen more than you speak.

11. Let Them Know How Their Alcoholism Impacts the Family

If you’re married to an alcoholic husband or wife, ask the individual (preferably during a sober interval) to consider how their drinking affects you and others in the family. As such a conversation may be challenging to initiate and can get heated, it’s best to involve a couples or family therapist to moderate. Asking your loved one to join you for a therapy session may illicit a multi-part conversation.

What Not to Do When Living With an Alcoholic

Living with an alcoholic can be challenging, but your actions can impact the person’s journey. While you may want to do something to help or change their behavior, knowing what not to do is crucial. By making mindful choices and controlling your own behaviors, you can contribute to their potential recovery while safeguarding your well-being.

Below are things not to do when living with an alcoholic:

• Give up on them: Recovery (as well as the process leading to the decision to seek help) is long and arduous, often dotted with periods of relapse. Your unwavering support and encouragement can ultimately be what helps the person through times of doubt and hardship.
• Set unrealistic expectations: Alcoholism is a life-long disease riddled with ups and downs and periods of hope and disappointment. Understanding that setbacks are a normal part of the recovery process can help you manage your expectations and maintain compassion and encouragement through challenging times.
• Judge them for their addiction: Addiction is a complex disease that can arise from many factors (e.g., social, biological, environmental), many of which the person cannot control. Recognizing this can help you focus on understanding your loved one’s struggle and supporting them as they move toward seeking help. Feeling judged often leads to defensiveness, further feeding the addiction.
• Jeopardize your safety: You can only support your loved one effectively if you and other family members are safe and well. Set clear boundaries and a plan for potentially risky situations, such as an alternative place to stay and helpline numbers preprogrammed in your phone.
• Try to control their behavior: Attempting to control an alcoholic’s behavior can be counterproductive and unintentionally lead to resistance. One of the best pieces of advice is, “Don’t just do something, sit there.” Essentially, offering a compassionate, non-judgmental ear can help your loved one make the decision to seek help.
• Enable their drinking: While you cannot control your loved one’s behavior, you can change your own in ways to discourage drinking. Avoid bringing alcohol into the household, abstain from drinking yourself, engage in alcohol-free activities, and avoid places and situations that may trigger craving.

When to Seek Professional Help for an Alcoholic

The process of finding professional treatment for your loved one can be challenging. Treatment can vary and depends on the severity of the addiction. In addition to supportive family and friends, they may require medical intervention, psychotherapy, and other resources to obtain sobriety and build a relapse prevention strategy.

Consider recommending your loved one to a primary care doctor for evaluation and treatment recommendations. A doctor can also educate them on the likelihood of alcohol withdrawal symptoms.¹⁰ However, your alcoholic partner or family member must decide to seek help.

Sheer willpower may not be enough for an individual to stop drinking alcohol. If they are interested in learning more about treatment options, finding the right therapist may make a difference in how they perceive the recovery process.

Sprecher adds, “Facilitating someone to get help for alcoholism is the hardest task. A person cannot truly be helped until they decide they need the help. However, some people come into treatment at the insistence of others. Some early tasks in treatment aim to help them come to that conclusion before their life collapses around them.”¹¹

Final Thoughts

Living with an alcoholic may seem daunting, but spouses or family members willing to get treatment and face their triggers can change. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, talking to a therapist or joining a support group can improve your mood and how you manage stress.