Sober Dating: What it is & Tips for How to Get it Right

What Is Sober Dating?

There are many reasons that people may prefer sober dating, or dates that do not involve any alcohol, over dates that involve alcohol. For instance, some may be sober curious and interested in showing up more authentically in relationships. Others may be in recovery from an alcohol use disorder and recognize the importance of dating others who are sober. Some may have prior experience in relationships that were negatively affected by alcohol use.

Statistics show that just over 10% of people aged 12 and over had a diagnosable alcohol use disorder during the prior year.¹ In addition, this study showed that almost half of people 12 and over had an alcoholic drink within the prior month. This suggests that a significant number of people who are engaged in dating may be affected by alcohol use.

Not surprising, individuals typically prefer partners who drink about the same amount that they do.² This means that individuals who want to engage in sober dating are more likely to seek out people who are into sober dating, too. Luckily, research shows that as people mature from mid-adolescence Challenges, they are less likely to be interested in heavy drinking.³

Challenges of Sober Dating

When it comes to alcohol use or use of other substances, peer pressure can play a significant role.⁴ The more your friends encourage you to drink, the more likely it is that you will do so, but the more your friends encourage abstinence, the more likely you are to abstain.⁴ This increases the likelihood that you’ll succeed in sober dating if friends, or the person you’re dating, is also on board.

People tend to drink when they are trying to fit in⁵ and when they feel uncomfortable in social settings, especially when their self-esteem is low. Dating can be anxiety provoking due to fears of rejection and being in an unfamiliar situation with a new person. Many people self-soothe with alcohol to blunt their nerves, but sober dating requires more controlled stress management techniques.

Dating Anxiety

It is normal to be nervous in new settings and to experience dating anxiety. However, when you’ve committed to sober dating, the anxiety may be even greater if alcohol has been your go-to remedy for dating anxiety. Finding new stress reduction techniques may be needed. These might include deep breathing, developing a calming pre-date ritual, and positive self-talk. Remind yourself that you “show up best” when you’re sober, not intoxicated.

Loneliness During Sober Dating

Depending on the reasons you are committed to sober dating, you might find yourself experiencing feelings of loneliness or “FOMO,” the fear of missing out. If sober dating is due to the need to stay sober, you might find yourself skipping parties or events that have alcohol. If your primary social group includes only drinkers, you may feel lonely as you search for romantic interests who are interested in sober dating.

How to Navigate Social Settings

There are many ways to navigate social settings when alcohol is present. By volunteering to be designated driver, you have an excellent reason to avoid alcohol. Keeping a glass of club soda or juice with you at all times will keep people from trying to encourage you to have a drink. However, if you’re feeling pressured to drink, it’s always okay to leave the party.

Benefits Of Sober Dating

There are many benefits to sober dating that many feel far outweigh alcohol-infused events. By avoiding alcohol, you are choosing a much healthier practice that puts you in a position to see yourself and potential partners more clearly and objectively. Not only that, but sober dating can boost your self-esteem and will make you more attractive to the types of people you’d rather date.

Benefits of sober dating include:

You May Feel More Confident

While it may seem that alcohol gives you “liquid courage” on a date or in any anxiety-producing situation, alcohol lowers inhibitions while upping the production of dopamine, the feel-good neurotransmitter. Unfortunately, once the intoxication wears off, your confidence returns to normal or even a little lower. After the effects of alcohol wear off, many people experience feelings of depression and anxiety.

The liquid courage that drinking provides isn’t a lasting state. However, when you choose to show up in a social setting without a drink as a crutch, you can feel much more in control of yourself, more astute about what’s happening around you, and more sure of yourself in social interactions. You’ll know that you’re not hiding behind an alcohol-induced haze and be able to be your authentic self.

You Can Clearly See If You Have Chemistry

People may laugh about the expression, “beer goggles,” but when someone is wearing these, anyone and everyone may appear to have good chemistry with them. When you’re intoxicated, your senses are dulled. Alcohol also inhibits your ability to pick up on social cues, body language, or other messages that should be noticed. When sober, you’re sensitive to signals that indicate authentic chemistry that can lead to a healthy relationship.

You Can Plan More Creative Dates

Sobriety allows people to think more clearly and more creatively. Whereas planning dates that involve alcohol are easy to arrange – “Let’s meet for a drink after work” or “Let’s spend the evening listening to music at the club” or “I’ll bring over a bottle of wine.” However, when you’re ready to date sober, you can be inspired to think of activities that are more engaging and more interactive than simply drinking together.

You Can Prioritize Your Own Needs In A Partner

When drinking is the main activity you engage in on dates, the bar is pretty low for those who can fit your socializing needs. However, when you begin to date sober, you are about to actually get to know the person you’re dating. Sobriety also affords you the ability to know what you need in a partner and assess which dates better fit your needs.

You May Feel Safer

When you are drinking, your ability to assess your environment and the company you are with can be derailed. Alcohol affects inhibition, so you may be more likely to agree to activities or invitations that you would decline if sober. Sobriety allows you to keep an eye on what’s going on around you, to ensure your reflexes aren’t slowed down, and allows you to trust your gut about the safety of a situation.

Dating Becomes Exciting Again

When meet-ups in bars become the “go-to” dating activity, every date can begin to feel like the one before – even when you’re meeting new and different people. By focusing on “dry dates,” you are adding novelty to your meetups and this will allow you and your date to bring other aspects of your personalities to the date. You’ll learn much more about a first date than whether he prefers beer or wine.

Saving Money Is a Possibility

Dates that involve alcohol can be pretty expensive, depending on where you’re drinking and what you’re drinking. Choosing new activities that involve costs, though, may just result in a break-even bottom line. However, you might enjoy being sober at a pricey concert, spending a day on the slopes, or dinner at an amazing restaurant a great deal more than overpriced drinks.

11 Tips To Navigate Dating Sober

When you consider how sober dating might look, it’s important that you recognize that being a dry date isn’t something that needs to be justified. There are a variety of reasons that someone might decide to date sober, from personal choice to being in recovery. While you may want to share the reasons with people you care about, you can choose to reveal this information as you feel appropriate.

Here are 11 tips to navigate dating sober include:

1. Communicate Before The Date That You Don’t Drink

It is important to let your date know where you stand on sobriety and dating. When you make this clear beforehand, your date can determine whether they are still interested in dating you or if sobriety isn’t something they’re willing to support in others or themselves. Bringing this up beforehand ensures there are no date-night surprises when you order a mocktail or club soda instead of alcohol.

2. Don’t Feel The Need To Explain Yourself

Although the culture heavily promotes alcoholic beverages through advertisements, product placement in media, and neon lights in establishments that serve them, no one should be pressured to explain why they choose not to drink. It really is no one’s business but your own whether you choose to stay sober or not. If someone is pressuring you to explain yourself, this is helpful in determining the relationship’s future.

3. Don’t Make The Date About Not Drinking

Just as you shouldn’t feel the need to explain yourself if you’re choosing to abstain, you shouldn’t feel the need to spend the date making a big deal about your choice, either. If too big a deal is made of your choice, a date may wonder if there’s too much baggage or something even worse in your background that has led you to this decision.

If you focus on abstinence, and come across as a martyr, this can make a date uncomfortable. When you commit to sober dating, focus on what is happening between you and your date, not what is “not” happening. If you’re truly ready to date sober, you won’t make a big deal about it and instead will make it a natural part of your behavior.

4. Have A Non-Alcoholic Drink Option Picked Out

While some people enjoy making their decisions at the last minute, sober dating is easier when you know what you’re going to drink before the date begins. Muscle memory and familiar locations, such as frequented nightspots and restaurants, can be subliminal factors that can result in an alcoholic drink ending up in your hand.

There can be a moment of indecision when a person is asked for their drink order and the option of an alcoholic drink is presented. It can be easy to slip back into ordering what you used to order when alcohol was part of your dating behavior. Avoid the indecision or the need to think about your drink order by deciding before the date exactly what you want to order.

5. Being Sober Doesn’t Mean That You Can Only Date Sober People

Some people believe that sober dating means both people need to abstain from alcohol on a date. This isn’t true. If dry dating is a choice you are making for yourself, you can also make the choice to date people who still drink alcohol. If you are comfortable refraining from alcohol while a date chooses to drink, that’s your choice.

If you’re dealing with an alcohol use disorder, it may be easier to avoid relapse by dating sober people or those in recovery. For some, sobriety is easier if your date supports and chooses sober dating. Just as you should let the date know beforehand that you’ll not be drinking, you can also let them know then that you are, or are not, okay if they want to drink.

6. Don’t Go To A Bar For A First Date

First dates are always ripe for awkwardness, from choosing what to wear to what to talk about. Don’t add to the awkwardness by choosing to meet at a bar where the typical activity is basically drinking and you’re choosing not to drink. Make the first date at a place where drinking is not the focus or is maybe not even happening, like a park, a coffee shop, or some other venue.

7. Answer Questions With Honesty

Being upfront and honest on a first date should actually be easier when you’re sober than when you’re not. Openness about your choices helps others get to know you better and they will feel more comfortable around you than if you withheld information or seemed to be evading questions. Dating is about getting to know someone better, so be open and authentic.

8. Have Deeper Conversations

When someone has had too much to drink, they have trouble following conversations, get confused, and lack coherence. Sober dating, however, allows you to stay on track, focus on what your date is saying, and actively engage in taking the conversation deeper. You aren’t focused on ordering the next round or trying to relate while in a buzzed haze. You’re able to relate at a deeper level.

9. Set Clear Boundaries

When it comes to relationships, setting boundaries is good for all relationships. Boundaries allow you to protect your own sense-of-self through healthy limit setting while also showing that you honor your partner’s limits and that you respect their sense-of-self. Boundaries provide comfort, promote safety, and infuse a sense of empowerment that allows you to determine what is or is not okay for you in the relationship.

10. Update Your Dating Profile

If you are committed to a sober lifestyle and want to avoid pressure on first dates to “have just one,” include this in your dating profile. This can ensure that people you began to communicate with through that platform already know this fact about you. You might note that you’ve been sober since whatever year/month you entered recovery or just made up your mind to exclusively date sober.

11. Build up Your Sober Support Network

Dating is always a challenging activity. When you’re sober dating, dating will feel better in some ways, but can be more anxiety-producing in others. Friends who understand you are essential. Be sure to have a strong support network of friends you can connect with when sober dating. You’ll want to ask them for tips, share your successes, and seek comfort when you’ve had dating failures.

Avoid Codependency

If you’re entering recovery and sobriety is new, it is important to give yourself some time before beginning to date. Addictive behaviors that are halted in one area can pop up in another area of your life. The addiction to alcohol may become an addiction to coffee, vaping, or exercise in place of the alcohol you used to consume. Or in the case of love addiction, a new relationship.

It’s recommended to wait a full year after entering recovery before dating. This helps ensure time to work on oneself, figure out how to better manage one’s life, how to deal with stress, and re-build one’s identity. By trying to build a new romantic relationship too soon, recovery might stall out, and the dependency on alcohol might be replaced with codependency on the partner.

Codependency has also been called relationship addiction and it reflects a toxic situation where one partner sacrifices their own self-esteem, their identity, and their will in an attempt to meet all of the needs of the other. Working through love addiction, just like working through substance addictions, can take time and both goals are best achieved individually.

Alcohol Relapse

Addictions can be incredibly challenging to overcome and planning for relapses is important. In fact, around 40% – 60% of people experience a relapse after entering recovery.⁶ By planning for relapse, the person in recovery can be prepared to return to recovery even though they have relapsed. There are both common relapse triggers and common warning signs that a relapse is about to occur.

Some of the triggers for a relapse include major life transitions, falling ill, significant social isolation, hanging around the places or the people where drinking happened, uncontrollable anxiety, poor stress management skills, or having easy access to alcohol. Triggers also include upsetting interactions with others, depression, celebrating big events, and even boredom.

People who are on the verge of a relapse may suddenly change their behaviors such as becoming aggressive; they may show overconfidence and stop attending meetings or avoiding triggers; they may isolate themselves and begin neglecting hygiene; and they may begin to lie about their activities or their whereabouts. Another sign is stealing money or hiding purchases.

How To Prevent Relapse

Research describes relapse as a gradual process that occurs at the emotional, mental, and physical levels.⁷ It is in the earliest stages that it is easiest to prevent. Two methods for preventing relapse include mind-body relaxation skills and effective cognitive therapy; these two practices support healthy coping skills which can prepare a person to avoid the temptation to drink. Taking control over the desire to relapse supports recovery.

How To Recover From Relapse

Relapses are common, and being prepared for them helps motivate return to recovery. After a relapse, it’s important to understand that this doesn’t mean that sobriety isn’t possible, just that it will take more effort and more time. A person who relapses deserves empathy, support, and recognition that something might have shifted dramatically in their lives to trigger a relapse.

For some people who are interested in cutting back on their alcohol intake, and track their consumption to be more mindful about their alcohol intake, there are many mindful drinking apps available for this purpose. For instance, an app like Reframe provides for tracking, progress charts, and educational content. However, this app is not recommended for individuals who are diagnosed with alcohol use disorder according to its website.

When to Seek Professional Help

If alcohol is causing problems that are disrupting your wellbeing, or you want more support on your sober dating journey, it may be time to seek professional help. Using an online therapist directory or online therapy platform is a good choice for finding a therapist who specializes in alcohol use.