Being in a relationship with someone who has ADHD requires some patience and understanding, especially if you are not familiar with how this disorder affects people. However, it’s important to note that struggling with ADHD is not an excuse for negative behaviors, and there is a level of responsibility on the diagnosed one’s part to manage their symptoms.
Here are 13 tips for dating someone with ADHD:
1. Understand Adult ADHD
Adult ADHD has three predominant presentations: hyperactive, inattentive, and mixed. Hyperactive ADHD mainly exhibits as constantly distracted or restless behavior, often leading to socially inappropriate behavior. This can include impatience, or being unable to sit still or participate quietly. Inattentive ADHD relates largely to forgetfulness and avoidance behaviors, often resulting in seeming disinterest in things or others, or not fulfilling responsibilities. Mixed ADHD is a combination of hyperactive and inattentive behaviors. Each presentation has their own common symptoms, ways of coping, and treatment approaches.
2. Emphasize Their Strengths
An ADHD diagnosis comes with its struggles, often substantial ones. However, people with ADHD can have amazing strengths in other areas of life, and it is important to recognize and rely on these strengths to experience fulfillment, despite the apparent struggles.1
For the partner of someone with ADHD, concentrating on strengths can allow the person with ADHD to focus on the whole person, and not be overwhelmed by the things they struggle with.
3. Resist Criticism
Studies show that people with ADHD experience higher perceived criticism than those without ADHD. They are already self-critical, and are often acutely aware of their deficits. Criticism will only serve to highlight these, and keep their focus maintained on their problems, rather than any solutions.2
As a partner of someone with ADHD, it can be easy to criticize your partner for their struggles. However, it will be more helpful for both of you in the long-run to adopt coping strategies for these challenges. Setting up the relationship as a safe place for the both of you to be yourselves, despite difficulties, is healthier in the end. It can also set a foundation for working together to address personal struggles.
4. Remember You’re Their Partner, Not Their Parent
It is not your job to rescue your partner with ADHD, or do their work for them when they are otherwise capable. It can be easy to slip into a more parental role when dating someone with ADHD out of perfectly good intentions.
Recognize that you are their partner, and are there to support and be there with them, but not rescue them from themselves. Setting up this boundary early, and clarifying each person’s responsibilities and expectations within the relationship, will likely lead to better outcomes.
5. Be Aware of Relationship Dynamics That May Cause Long-Term Issues
Coming to the rescue of your partner with ADHD can set up a dynamic of dependence or, which will likely lead to issues down the road.3 This can lead to resentment once the both of you settle into the relationship and newness wears off.
Also, ADHD can be an excuse for maladaptive or hurtful behavior. This behavior needs to be addressed directly. If not, someone dating a person with ADHD may feel controlled by their partner and their illness.3
6. Figure Out What Works for Them
Because ADHD manifests differently depending on the type and person, it is important to figure out tools that work well for your partner in your relationship. For example, if your partner with ADHD has difficulty dealing with conflict, or is typically avoidant of confrontation and strong emotions, it may be wise to set up an expectation about how conflict is handled moving forward.3 Setting up boundaries can help here, too. You may choose not to engage in conversation about the disagreement until the both of you are calm, or until your partner has had time to process it.
Another example may be setting up to-do or chore lists for the home, so that your partner is less likely to forget about essential tasks or get distracted from their responsibilities.4
7. Learn Your Deal Breakers
Knowing and deciding on what you will and will not tolerate in a relationship can be helpful before entering one with someone who has ADHD, or whether you’re willing to continue in one. Something to consider may be how you expect strong emotions to be dealt with. Some people are fine with occasional fights and strong expressions of emotions, while others are not.5
Sometimes, those with ADHD may struggle with emotional dysregulation, leading to strong displays of emotion. Some have difficulty remembering things and following through on responsibilities, while others do not. Recognizing what you are and are not willing to deal with in a relationship can help identify what major deal breakers are present.
8. Create Boundaries
Healthy boundaries in relationships are very important, and often overlooked in newer partnerships. Setting clear boundaries around how you will communicate with each other; each partner’s personal responsibilities; what is and is not acceptable in the relationship; and more goes a long way in making sure the relationship has a healthy structure around which to grow.
9. Work On Your Communication Skills Together
Working and deciding on how you communicate with each other in your relationship can help prevent many common pitfalls. Learning how to effectively communicate your own ideas, feelings, and needs–while also hearing your partner out–is the goal. It will take the both of you to determine which needs to be worked on to achieve this.
10. Be Patient With Them
Understand that ADHD is not curable, and will likely take you time to not only adjust but also learn how to manage struggles that arise in the context of a relationship. Being patient with your partner who has ADHD is important, as it allows them to adjust to any personal changes they need to make.
11. Let Go of the Little Things
Letting go of inconsequential things can be a helpful way to minimize your own anxiety or stress in a relationship with someone who has ADHD. Accepting that there are some things that your partner may continue to struggle with goes a long way, as long as they don’t overrule your core needs in the relationship. If your partner is a bit messy, or forgets things occasionally, these can sometimes be easily overlooked when other more important areas of the relationship are strong and needs are met.
12. Establish Your Own Support Network
Having someone to vent to occasionally, or finding others who are in relationships with people who have ADHD, may be helpful. Everyone benefits from support systems, and establishing one that meets your needs can help minimize the occasional frustrations that may arise within the relationship.
13. Enjoy the Relationship!
While a person with ADHD will have their struggles, they will also have their strengths. For example, someone who has hyperactive ADHD may very well provide the sense of spontaneity or excitement that you need. Or, a partner who has inattentive ADHD may bring a sense of freedom from your daily pressures and responsibilities. Remember that just because there are some difficulties you may face, this does not mean that your partner is not a good fit. Everyone has their issues they deal with; theirs just happen to have a name.
Final Thoughts
Being in a relationship with a partner who has ADHD can be great–especially if you have the tools to support each other well. If there are clear boundaries set, you know the expectations of the relationship, and are aware of each other’s quirks, these relationships can be quite fulfilling and meaningful.
For Further Reading
- CHADD – Has a National Resource Center on ADHD
- Attention Deficit Disorder Association Support groups, workshops, and ambassador program
- How to Be a Good Boyfriend: 20 Tips for a Healthy Relationship
Dating Someone With ADHD Infographics
